How do you know? 3 years in....

[GreyhoundtoNowhere]

Okay.... I'm 26. My H is 35. We were roomates for a summer and started dating a month after we moved in together..... dated 7 months (4 of those I lived in another city). Got engaged. And then married about 9 months after that. He is a great man and we have so much in common. We get along great and like the same things. Being together is easy.

I am ashamed, but need to add that i've been unfaithful twice. The first time was about a year and 2 months into our marriage. And then again this past October. After the first time I moved in with my friend for about two months to get some space and figure things out. Moved back to work things out. We bought a house a year ago. Things were good again for a few months, then I made a bad decision again and basically fell hard for this other man that entered my life. But, I confessed to my H this past December. However, I was heartbroken over losing the OM. And I was heartbroken at how much hurt I'd caused my H. I went to a therapist after the first time I screwed up. Then again, we both went to one after this last time. I've been seeing her by myself as well for the last 4 months.

 

I decided to separate and got my own apartment about 2 months ago.

He want to make it work if I do. He loves me. I know that life can be good with him if I can chose him and be with him. I just, I feel like I'm happy for some time, then I so easily stray. There are things missing that I can't make myself feel from him. But I made a commitment. I just don't know what the best thing to do from here is. I'm so lost. I just feel like its a red flag that I so early cheated on this man that was my best friend. Any help or advice is welcome. Thank you.

[Furious]

You sound so sad. It's good you're getting therapy, but it takes time to get to the true underlying issues you may have. The advice I can give you, is to truly give yourself space from your husband and the other man.

 

It's a cliche but it's true, that sometimes you can't see the forest because the trees are in the way.

 

Take care

[96nole]

Wow, i really feel sorry for your husband. I do not see a good future for him while you are this way. Go get therapy, but i think it boils down to you married too young. I don't think you are ready to settle down with one person. He was ready but you aren't. You were even heartbroken for losing the OM.

 

I won't be surprised if your husband ends up over on this board as well. If he does, the advise he will be given from all of us will be to divorce you. "Once a cheater, not always a cheater. Twice a cheater, always a cheater" is what he will read. If he wants to stay, he either doesn't have much of a self esteem, or is a glutton for punishment.

 

Please understand that everytime you cheat on him, he feels like a piece of him is dying. You may feel bad for the hurting him, but you don't understand the hell he is going through. If you have no intention of stopping, then how can you consider him your best friend. Best friends don't do that to each other. Especially ones that are supposed to be in love. If you won't stop, then do him a favor and let him go. You can't keep doing that to him. It's cruel.

[PeineDeCoeur]

Okay.... I'm 26. My H is 35. We were roomates for a summer and started dating a month after we moved in together..... dated 7 months (4 of those I lived in another city). Got engaged. And then married about 9 months after that. He is a great man and we have so much in common. We get along great and like the same things. Being together is easy.

I am ashamed, but need to add that i've been unfaithful twice. The first time was about a year and 2 months into our marriage. And then again this past October. After the first time I moved in with my friend for about two months to get some space and figure things out. Moved back to work things out. We bought a house a year ago. Things were good again for a few months, then I made a bad decision again and basically fell hard for this other man that entered my life. But, I confessed to my H this past December. However, I was heartbroken over losing the OM. And I was heartbroken at how much hurt I'd caused my H. I went to a therapist after the first time I screwed up. Then again, we both went to one after this last time. I've been seeing her by myself as well for the last 4 months.

 

I decided to separate and got my own apartment about 2 months ago.

He want to make it work if I do. He loves me. I know that life can be good with him if I can chose him and be with him. I just, I feel like I'm happy for some time, then I so easily stray. There are things missing that I can't make myself feel from him. But I made a commitment. I just don't know what the best thing to do from here is. I'm so lost. I just feel like its a red flag that I so early cheated on this man that was my best friend. Any help or advice is welcome. Thank you.

 

With respect, if you do go back to your h, what is to keep you from repeating the pattern you have established here?

 

You admit there is something missing. What is it?

[GreyhoundtoNowhere]

With respect, if you do go back to your h, what is to keep you from repeating the pattern you have established here?

 

You admit there is something missing. What is it?

 

I know.

And to respond to another, I dont want to be cruel to him. From the very begginning he was the guy that everyone else who knew him wanted him to be happy cause he was the good guy who hadnt had a girlfriend in forever. so from the start, i was scared to death of breaking this guys heart.

 

And well, through therapy we've come up with something I went through when I was 12 (pretty much had my 28yr old married coach start a relationship with me... i thought i was in "love" blah... blah... it came out,he got fired, i was a mess..) but moved on and was fine. had friends, boyfriends, went to college, got my masters, a career.... thought it hadnt effected me. but i have a strong attraction for older men in authoritative type positions, and situations that are 'unavailable' to repeat this cycle. or something. and i say this to say this doesn't by any means excuse my behavior in any way.... its just an explanation.

 

But, I married my H because he was opposite all the wrong things I normally liked. He was the GOOD guy that put me first, that wasnt about the chase or the fun. So, he had all these qualities I knew were good (but, I didnt have that "in love feeling" though I did love him... ) I just figured all the other good things he did have outweighed those other things. Like sexual attraction and chemistry. The other things I thought would matter more.

Then I strayed. And again. And I know it makes me a horrible person. And he deserves better, but he still wants me? So i need to stop being selfish and just let him go? Even if I'm still stuck on the part of me that did marry him and knew we did have something in at the start? I just dont know. And I want to do the right thing.

[Bryanp]

The best thing you can do for your husband is to divorce him and let him find someone else in the future who can truly love him, respect him, respect the meaning of a marriage commitment and not put him at risk for STD's from a cheating spouse. You fail on all four counts.

 

It is good that you are seeking therapy. When he remarries in the future and has a family you will then realize what a fool and how immature you really are. Please do one good thing for him and divorce him. It will hurt him but eventually he will get over it and find someone else who is worthy of him. The bottom line is that you are absolutely toxic to him.

[2sunny]

Since you never learned to CHANGE after the first round of counseling - its best to stay away from ANY man until YOU do enough counseling so that YOU KNOW you'll never hurt other men again.

 

Since you know you cause harm when your with another man - don't see anyone until you understand what caused the cheating and you work past the pain... And understand that YOU HAVE CHANGED your core being!

 

Best wishes!

[Artie Lang]

he was the good guy who hadnt had a girlfriend in forever.

 

this is the ONLY reason your husband wants you-- he doesn't want to start over.

 

it sounds like he has self-esteem issues, or else he would've let go already.

 

your marriage is not about love at all; it's about co-dependency.

[wifehurtheart]

One of your comments was that you know life can be good "if I can chose him and be with him". It almost sounds like a chore or a duty to "chose" him. You've made a couple of mistakes. At this point yes, you need to stop being selfish and let him go if you are not willing or able to commit to your marriage and doing whatever it takes to mend it and truly live in it. If not, what good is the marriage? That is no life for him (especially) or for you. He doens't deserve to have to wait on "hold" while you figure out what you want to do with your life and your relationships. "Selfish" is a very appropriate word here. It sounds like you think you made a mistake but you're not really sure in your mind that you made a mistake.

 

I agree with 2sunny that you need to figure your life out first before you (re)commit to any relationship.

Edited May 13, 2012 by wifehurtheart

[GreyhoundtoNowhere]

As for the comment about STDSs. I'm not randomly sleeping around and I would never not be safe or put my H at risk. I wasn't sleeping with another guy and then going home to sleep with my H.

 

As for the other comments.... I know I obviously have a lot of issues. But, I also know that deep down I am a good person. I just struggle with the fact that my H STILL thinks I can be better, that I can go back to how we were before I started that behavior. And with the right mental coaching, I think I could to. It's just, I know I shouldnt have to force myself to be happily married. But here's the thing, does he deserve for me to just let him go, or does he deserve for me to do absolutely everything I can to make it work?

[Bryanp]

"I wasn't sleeping with another guy and then going home to sleep with my husband".

 

If you had engaged in any type of sexual intercourse or oral sex then you did indeed put your husband at risk for STD's. If you had sex with someone and then 3 weeks later had sex with your husband then you put him at risk. You both need to be tested for STD's unless you are saying that there was NEVER any oral sex or intercourse that you engaged in.

[GreyhoundtoNowhere]

This isnt what this topic is about. That being said, I'm actually a Health Educator, so I am aware of the risks. Thank you. What I was saying was that I was not having sex with my H during that time at all. Therefore, it being impossible to put him at risk. Thanks.

[The Blue Knight]

I know.

And to respond to another, I dont want to be cruel to him. From the very begginning he was the guy that everyone else who knew him wanted him to be happy cause he was the good guy who hadnt had a girlfriend in forever. so from the start, i was scared to death of breaking this guys heart.

 

And well, through therapy we've come up with something I went through when I was 12 (pretty much had my 28yr old married coach start a relationship with me... i thought i was in "love" blah... blah... it came out,he got fired, i was a mess..) but moved on and was fine. had friends, boyfriends, went to college, got my masters, a career.... thought it hadnt effected me. but i have a strong attraction for older men in authoritative type positions, and situations that are 'unavailable' to repeat this cycle. or something. and i say this to say this doesn't by any means excuse my behavior in any way.... its just an explanation.

 

But, I married my H because he was opposite all the wrong things I normally liked. He was the GOOD guy that put me first, that wasnt about the chase or the fun. So, he had all these qualities I knew were good (but, I didnt have that "in love feeling" though I did love him... ) I just figured all the other good things he did have outweighed those other things. Like sexual attraction and chemistry. The other things I thought would matter more.

 

Then I strayed. And again. And I know it makes me a horrible person. And he deserves better, but he still wants me? So i need to stop being selfish and just let him go? Even if I'm still stuck on the part of me that did marry him and knew we did have something in at the start? I just dont know. And I want to do the right thing.

The right thing appears to be to let him go Greyhound.

 

You spelled it out in bold above. You may enjoy his company, have things in common, think he's a nice guy, consider him a wonderful person, and respect the way that he treats you . . . but in the end those things aren't going to be enough for an individual like you.

 

If you don't have chemistry or sexual attraction to your husband it was probably not smart to ever marry him. You've cheated on him twice, but in actuality you cheated on him three times, because I'm certain that he felt like you were in love with him when you agreed to marry him, when in fact you weren't.

 

Now, you've cheated on him with two different men, so you obviously realize that something in the marriage is missing, and you have a lot of baggage as well which needs to be dealt with before even you should jump into another relationship.

 

Let the guy get on with his life and find someone who really loves him. That may make you feel sad, and I'm not saying it for that reason, but your husband deserves to live with someone who truly is "in love" with him, not someone who feels sorrow for him.

 

I don't see any way to rectify this unless you can suddenly fall in love with your husband, and this late in the game, that's not very likely to happen.

Edited May 13, 2012 by The Blue Knight

[Bryanp]

O.K.. As long as you have never had sex with your husband since you has the affairs then you did not put him at risk. If you have ever had sex with your husband since the affairs then you have indeed put him at risk.

 

By the way, your husband deserves to know (if you have not told him) that his so-called best friend is not friend to him at all but a back-stabbing slime ball. By not telling him who it was then you are still playing your husband as a fool. Finally you really need to apologize to the OM's wife. How would you feel if you were in her shoes?

[westrock]

And well, through therapy we've come up with something I went through when I was 12 (pretty much had my 28yr old married coach start a relationship with me... i thought i was in "love" blah... blah...

 

I am surprised they did not send the coach to jail.

 

Your feeling of being "in love" at the time likely gave you an unhealthy definition what it means to be "in love" that is affecting you to this day.

 

it came out,he got fired, i was a mess..) but moved on and was fine. had friends, boyfriends, went to college, got my masters, a career.... thought it hadnt effected me. but i have a strong attraction for older men in authoritative type positions, and situations that are 'unavailable' to repeat this cycle.

 

You are attracted to those type of men because that is what your coach was and you thought it meant being in love. It's not surprising you are attracted to those type of men. But, as you've discovered, as an adult, those type of men are unhealthy relationship partners.

 

These unavailable men also bring drama into your life and you are likely confusing the resulting adrenalin/anxiety feelings as meaning you are "in love".

 

In contrast, emotionally available men who respect you will not bring drama to your life. Since there is no drama, you're interpreting the calm feelings as not feeling "in love".

 

Until you are able resolve your feelings from the incident when you were 12 and redefine what in means to be "in love", you will continue to seek out these older authoritative unavailable type of men in an attempt to repeat what happened in the past.

 

Until you resolve those feelings, you will not be "attracted" to men who are emotionally "available" and who will respect you.

 

But, I married my H because he was opposite all the wrong things I normally liked. He was the GOOD guy that put me first, that wasnt about the chase or the fun. So, he had all these qualities I knew were good (but, I didnt have that "in love feeling" though I did love him... ) I just figured all the other good things he did have outweighed those other things. Like sexual attraction and chemistry. The other things I thought would matter more.

Then I strayed. And again.

 

You husband partially matches the type of men are are attracted to... older, likely in an authoritative position. But, instead of being unavailable like the others, he is available, however this also means no drama, no anxiety, no adrenalin, resulting in no feeling of being in love.

 

On an intellectual level you know your husband is a good guy who will treat you right. But, on an emotional level, he's doesn't fit into your current unhealthy definition of what "in love" means to you.

 

By straying you are re-creating the drama you think you need to create the feeling of being in love. Subconsciously, you likely seek to recreate the drama because it gives you the adrenalin/anxiety feelings from the past.

 

You will likely keep straying until you are able to resolve your feelings from the past and redefine your definition of what it means to be in love.

 

My only suggestion is that you continue with your therapy and working on yourself.

[2sunny]

Does your husband know WHO the OM is? Have you told the OM's wife?

[alexandria35]

You are still having the affair, so why are you even thinking about reconcilling with your husband?

 

In your thread on the OW/OM forum you stated you slept with the MM last Friday night. You have been having the affair with this guy since last Oct with some small breaks here and there. So are you saying that you haven't slept with your husband at all since the affair started last fall and that's why you know your husband isn't at any risk?

 

You also said in your other thread that last week you asked MM if you really have to wait for him for another 11 years while he's raising his kids. He said yes and told you that you should go back to your husband because he isn't leaving his marriage. So now here you are asking if you should reconcille with your husband. No. You should not. You don't really care about him and you just want to him to be there for you because you can't have the MM full time. If MM gave you any hope that he would leave now then you your husband wouldn't even be a passing thought to you. Let your husband go so he can find a woman who really loves him and wants him to be her one and only.

[GreyhoundtoNowhere]

westrock, i feel like you pretty much hit the nail on the head. and i dont want to feel that way. i want love that is honest and respectful. but i feel 'nothing' towards my H in the way of those feelings and it leaves me with these 'voids' that i dont know how to fill.

 

Yes, back when I confessed, I told my H who the other man was. And the OM's BS also found out we were having an emotional affair.

 

 

You are still having the affair, so why are you even thinking about reconcilling with your husband?

 

In your thread on the OW/OM forum you stated you slept with the MM last Friday night. You have been having the affair with this guy since last Oct with some small breaks here and there. So are you saying that you haven't slept with your husband at all since the affair started last fall and that's why you know your husband isn't at any risk?

 

You also said in your other thread that last week you asked MM if you really have to wait for him for another 11 years while he's raising his kids. He said yes and told you that you should go back to your husband because he isn't leaving his marriage. So now here you are asking if you should reconcille with your husband. No. You should not. You don't really care about him and you just want to him to be there for you because you can't have the MM full time. If MM gave you any hope that he would leave now then you your husband wouldn't even be a passing thought to you. Let your husband go so he can find a woman who really loves him and wants him to be her one and only.

 

Yes, I am saying that I have not slept with my husband since then. Sex was never really a big part of our relationship in the first place, but rather something I took part in to please him.

 

And, I know that I posted on the other board about that. And I told MM at school this past thursday that I couldnt do it anymore. Knowing he wasn't leaving and knowing what I want out of life-- it wasn't what he could give me. He said he would respect my wishes. So, I've not talked to him.

 

And when I say I am considering reconciling, I dont mean anytime soon-- I just mean the thought of that being a possibility. My lease on my apartment is through September anyway.

 

To be honest this board has made me really see through other's eyes what I have done to my H and how I've treated him. I went over there earlier to bring the dog and I broke down and apologized over and over,because i was never truly remorseful to a point that he thought I was sorry for what I'd done. Until today. He was still confused though on where this is going and how he should feel. He says he is in limbo, but that what he wants is me. But he knows I still have to figure things out.

 

And I know that with any OM in the picture, especially a MM that I fell for-- I can't even remotely figure out my M or my own issues. I just feel like I'll never be able to know what I truly want. And I told my H he deserves better and I dont want to drag him through this anymore,but he gets mad and says that he wants to make it work. I do care about him. Seeing him cry and hurt kills me and that's why it seems impossible to walk away knowing how much it hurts him.

 

As for calling me a slime ball, I thought the point of this board was for help and guidance, not name-calling.

[The Blue Knight]

As for calling me a slime ball, I thought the point of this board was for help and guidance, not name-calling.

It is a board to help others. You shouldn't have to endure being labeled with bad names.

[wifehurtheart]

So sorry that you got roughed up with the name calling.....that should not be a part of the dialogue here, but unfortunately it is at times. Many people here are genuinely concerned and trying to offer the best advice they can. Others are harshly critical.....either of the betraying spouse or the betrayed spouse, and are incapable of posting an objective and thoughtful response. You obviously care about your husband's feelings. Please just be as honest with yourself and as honest with him as you can. That is most important right now, and if you do that you (and he) will figure things out. It is certainly not going to be without pain, but it will lead to a better place for both of you. So sorry that he and you are going through this. Life really sucks sometimes.

Edited May 13, 2012 by wifehurtheart

[Bryanp]

Nobody has called you a slime ball. The reference was to the OM who was supposed to be your husband's best friend.

 

Here is the direct Quote:

 

By the way, your husband deserves to know (if you have not told him) that his so-called best friend is not a friend to him at all but a back-stabbing slime ball.

[GreyhoundtoNowhere]

Ok well then the person got confused because my H best friend isn't involved in this in any way. I had referred to myself as being his "best friend" in a prior post which was why I took it that way. Sorry.

[jh52]

westrock, i feel like you pretty much hit the nail on the head. and i dont want to feel that way. i want love that is honest and respectful. but i feel 'nothing' towards my H in the way of those feelings and it leaves me with these 'voids' that i dont know how to fill.

 

Yes, back when I confessed, I told my H who the other man was. And the OM's BS also found out we were having an emotional affair.

 

 

 

 

Yes, I am saying that I have not slept with my husband since then. Sex was never really a big part of our relationship in the first place, but rather something I took part in to please him.

 

And, I know that I posted on the other board about that. And I told MM at school this past thursday that I couldnt do it anymore. Knowing he wasn't leaving and knowing what I want out of life-- it wasn't what he could give me. He said he would respect my wishes. So, I've not talked to him.

 

And when I say I am considering reconciling, I dont mean anytime soon-- I just mean the thought of that being a possibility. My lease on my apartment is through September anyway.

 

To be honest this board has made me really see through other's eyes what I have done to my H and how I've treated him. I went over there earlier to bring the dog and I broke down and apologized over and over,because i was never truly remorseful to a point that he thought I was sorry for what I'd done. Until today. He was still confused though on where this is going and how he should feel. He says he is in limbo, but that what he wants is me. But he knows I still have to figure things out.

 

And I know that with any OM in the picture, especially a MM that I fell for-- I can't even remotely figure out my M or my own issues. I just feel like I'll never be able to know what I truly want. And I told my H he deserves better and I dont want to drag him through this anymore,but he gets mad and says that he wants to make it work. I do care about him. Seeing him cry and hurt kills me and that's why it seems impossible to walk away knowing how much it hurts him.

 

As for calling me a slime ball, I thought the point of this board was for help and guidance, not name-calling.

 

IMO you need to seek/continue professional IC. You also have to stop all contact with MM since he told you he doesn't want you and is not going to leave his wife. My guess is you are not his 1st affair -- and probably won't be his last -- but that is for him and his wife to figure out. As far as your husband - you said you really never felt that connection to him -- the sex is just to please him -- the sex with MM was more than you ever experienced. Divorce might be the answer -- but that is for you two decide. It takes two people to make a marriage -- and both people have to be whole. When one is broke (you) for whatever reason -- the marriage is broke. You are both young and both deserve to be happy. What you did was wrong -- and I am not condoning it -- just saying you need to fix you before you get involved in any new relationship -- either with your husband -- or if you divorce -- with someone else (someone that is single). Good luck !!

[2sunny]

I see contradictions in your words.

 

You slept with him - but his W only knows of an emotional affair. Tell her the TRUTH!

 

And you told him last week you "couldn't do it anymore" then had sex with him the very next day! So which is it?

 

Keep your word! Your actions and words don't match at all!

 

Call his wife and be honest about the extent of the affair - she deserves to know what you two have been doing.

 

Minimize NOTHING!

 

And stop breaking promises to yourself too!

[bestplayer]

I notice on these boards some posters (most of them are BS) are like hungry lions eagerly waiting for a weak WS seeking help to land here so that they can tear her apart . Seriously this has to end .