confuseddaddy Posted May 12, 2012 Posted May 12, 2012 Im a 38 year old male, married for 12 years with 3 beautiful children, 9,7,6 girl girl boy. My wife is an amazing mother and has been an excellent wife. We were married in our early 20's and even though I was in love with her I was pressured into marriage because my mother was dying from Cancer and in my culture/religion getting married seemed to be the right thing to do. 1 and 1/2 years ago, my wife finally kicked me out o the house because I was coming home late from partying and gambling, she finally had enough and told me to figure my stuff out. That night I left i went to sleep with my friend (a guy) who had an extra bed and we went out that night. He asked a few friends to come out and one of them was a friend who I met threw him years before. I was always attracted to this woman. She naturally consoled me and I told her my marriage was done and that my wife had kicked me out. We exchanged numbers and became ery close and eventually fell in love with each other. I moved out and began dating this woman but at the same time went through marraige counsilling. My wife found out about the other woman because she went through my phone. Once i was busted i told her the truth that i was dating this woman and she was very upset. Months after dating her, I becaem confused and after much counslling I asked my wife to take me back and she did. I broke up with the other woman and I broke her heart, eventhough I didnt want to. I went back to my wife for the sake of our children. 3 weks after moving back home, my wife and I had many fights, she asked me if i still thought about the other woman, and becasue I didnt want to lie to her anymore, i told her "yes i still think about her and still love her". My wife kicked me out one again. We are separated and legally still married on paper but i live in an apartment not far away. I see my kids 2 days per week. My girlfriend and I got back together, she knows i love her very much and she is very understanding of my situation. She recently moved in with me. I love my wife but im not in love with her. She wants to move on with her life but I feel uneasy about her moving on even though I already have. My wife is aware that my gf lives with me and that we are intimate. I find myself constantly trying to decide whether I should try to reconsiliate with my wife beacsue of our children. I care about her and pay for all my wifes bills mortgage and childrens expenses. I have ups and downs, crying, depression confusion. My wife thinks i have borderline personality disorder. I have a history of being abused as a child. Can anyone help me or guide me what to do?
2sunny Posted May 12, 2012 Posted May 12, 2012 I would suggest counseling for your childhood issues and to find out how to no longer cheat. Seems like your in love with this other woman - so mainly - get your divorce finalized if you don't love your wife and intend to keep moving forward.
Spark1111 Posted May 13, 2012 Posted May 13, 2012 You so sound confused and in pain. But you cannot have it both ways. That is unfair to your wife and your OW. You cannot claim to be deeply in love with your OW, but then deny your wife the same: doesn't she deserve a man who deeply, passionately loves her as a woman, not just as the amazing mother of your children? Of course she does. She is entitled to have exactly the feelings you are having with your OW, doesn't she? And if it cannot be with you, after be giving two chances, she should be set free to find what you have found: romantic love with another man. 1
Spark1111 Posted May 13, 2012 Posted May 13, 2012 I would suggest counseling for your childhood issues and to find out how to no longer cheat. Seems like your in love with this other woman - so mainly - get your divorce finalized if you don't love your wife and intend to keep moving forward. This is very good advice! You do need counseling to deal with your childhood abuse issues. I suspect they are at the root of all your issues today in adulthood. Work on those. Plus, I am happy your OW is very supportive, but I think you need to be alone now so you can make up your mind as to what you really want: A life with your OW, or a life with your wife. Your children will always love you. They deserve a strong, confident father who knows his mind and treats their mother with respect! whether you choose to reconcile or divorce. Do not make them the sole reason to stay with your wife because that is unfair to her. She too deserves a man passionately in love with her. And I think stating your culture forced you to marry your wife because your mother was dying is a cop out today. You went on to have not one, not two, but THREE children with this woman! If you truly believed you had married the wrong woman, there were a million opportunities to have left her before having three children with her. THAT is unfair. You are rewriting your marital history to feel better about having an affair with your OW. Own whatever choices you have made and choose which woman you want. That is what grown ups do....they own both their choices and their actions! And if you are unsure, live alone please, and get to counseling to figure out WHAT you want. Otherwise, you will never stop the bleeding.
96nole Posted May 13, 2012 Posted May 13, 2012 Would your wife even want you back? Hopefully she isn't sitting there waiting for you to come back. Enough already. Give your wife the gift of a divorce. You two haven't been "married" for years. You already tried going back and it didn't work out. If you go back, you and your wife will fight again. How do you think the kids will feel about that? Right now they are in a house without their parents fighting.
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