debt is my fault but hubby cant forgive...it's big!

[hurtwife13]

OK, this is hard to start because I know it is all my fault. I have allowed our family to go into major debt three times during our 25 year marriage. I am not sure how much detail I have time to go into - so here goes... I cannot manage money but have been trying for our whole marriage. The first time I came clean and hubby became a huge control freak and "punished" me verbally for over a year. I finally stood up to him and it got better for awhile. The second time I had to admit we were in debt because all the credit cards were maxed out and he was traveling for business. I knew I could not go through the pain again and told him I was leaving and that I wuld find a way to pay him back. He said his family (me and two kids) were worth more than any debt. We refinanced our house and started over again. Within a few months he was back to his verbal abusiveness.

 

At this point I know many are thinking he was justified and I completely agree - he has a right to be angry, to be mad and to want to control the spending. However - He still spends and expects me to pay off everything he spends and when i cant - it is my fault again. I am not trying to say I dont do anything wrong - I admit I have a huge problem and I finally admitted it to him again a year ago. I cant even begin to have anyone understand as I dont want anyone to feel sorry. I have turned over all money responsibility to a third party because I know I cant control it and we are slowly getting back out of debt for the 3rd time. Now - the big problem is that he treats the family as if we are out to get him, that we are trying to make him miserable and in turn me and the 2 kids walk on eggshells as to not up set him. When he gets upset he cant control his anger - he slings insults, bad names at us in escalating tones. He has cried afterward with the kids and apologizes but never to me. It all goes back to what I did causing him to act the way he does. I know he no longer trusts me and I have been trying so hard to earn that trust back. I have never lied about anything but money and only because I am selfish and dont like to be treated like an idiot.

 

I feel like my love for him is dying a little each day. I want him to be happy but I think I am done. I dont know how my kids will react -my son is old enough to question why I stay with him and yes he knows about the financial debt.

 

I accept my part in all of this and feel so much better that I have finally admitted my problem. It is a huge relief not to be in charge of our finances any longer. I feel like I have been sacrificing forever to make up for what was spent - and I promise it was not ALL on me but mostly on the kids and their hobbies - expensive sports being the biggest culprit.

 

He started verbally assaulting my son a few months ago and I finally told him we were done...but again he apologized and agreed to see a therapist - which he did one time with me. After hearing the whole story the therapist said she wanted to help him find a way to forgive me but he said he didnt want to go back. Said it wasnt a good fit because she didnt agree that I need to be punished.

 

I am opening this up to you guys - strangers - for what I dont know - I just need some feedback on the story. Maybe I am crazy. Over the last 15 years we have gone into over 150,000 in debt and managed to pay off 140,000. We have 2 healthy kids, live in a nice house, have two decent cars and have a wonderful retirement account as well as good jobs. All I want is to be happy.

[hurtwife13]

I could handle that I think. But he never said enough is enough..I did. I quit spending. he wants to know why it took so long? I dont know just glad I finally feel like I have a handle on it. What I did was give him an excuse to treat me like s!@#. I have no money - no cash - have bought nothing in over a year except gas and groceries. I am good with that.

[hurtwife13]

OK thanks. Maybe I was looking for a little sympathy and it is hard to hear an objective response but I appreciate it. I DO feel horrible about what happened. I cant point to much either except to say I never said no to anything...that anyone wanted. And debt gets out of control fast...not an excuse just fact. I hate lying. I couldnt sleep. I no longer have a desire to spend. As I said I am OK with not having access to the money I just dont know how long I can be "punished". We are not destitute.

 

I am owning up to what I did and getting help. I WANT to be a better person. Did your ex ever try to change?

[Steen719]

This may not matter, but I just wondered why he didn't take over the bill paying, spending, etc.? I haven't experienced this and so I don't know how it would affect me. Did you go to therapy to see why you have this compulsion? Did you go to marital counseling to deal with his anger with you and his continuing verbal assaults? Obviously, this won't go away on its own and you are already feeling like you are losing feelings, your children are affected and your H is miserable. I think you better grab the bull by the horns and do something quick if you want to save your marriage, and maybe your kids need some help, too.

 

The first thing I would do is find an IC who could help you figure out what is going on with you, both your compulsion and your feelings about staying married.

 

Good luck.

[stillafool]

I guess your husband couldn't take over paying the bills if he travels alot. Debt is one of the biggest reasons people divorce. I would be highly frustrated if I were your husband also. Kids do not have to have everything they want. Maybe you should get IC to find out what you are trying to fill by shopping so much. I think that would help you more than marriage counseling at this point.

[viktorious11]

I'll give you a wee bit of sympathy. I'm the H and I believe my gambling debts had a lot to do with my divorce. At one point in my delusional online poker "career" we had $30,000 cash underneath our bed. $25 dollar tournaments slowly became $225 buy ins, and the money was gone within a month.

 

Now, her need for $700 strollers, $1,200 hand bags, and $800 shoes did not help the situation - but all in all we went from $30,000k up to $15,000 debt in two months and she left for another man.

 

Wish I could take back time but it is what it is and its time for me to live my own life. And raise my child. Alone. And see the love of my life with another man, every 3 or 4 days. This should be fun.

[pie2]

I have never lied about anything but money and only because I am selfish and dont like to be treated like an idiot.

 

First of all, 25 years is a very long relationship, and I admire that you've been together that long. Your husband seems to have stuck around through many trials. Nonetheless, I agree that he has no right to be abusive.

 

Now, regarding the spending, your husband has been dealing with your pattern of lying to him and overspending for MANY years. And it feels like you want to try to put effort forth to change for a couple of months...and then get angry at him for not forgetting resentments that have built up over your relationship.

 

It would take a long time for me to rebuild trust with my SO, after going through those sort of debt problems.

 

I would ask you to remember your vows, remember the commitment you made to each other (in good times and bad), and I would consider a separation rather than a divorce. Take some time to clear your head before making any rash decisions.

 

I hope your marriage works out. Best of luck.

[CC12]

After hearing the whole story the therapist said she wanted to help him find a way to forgive me but he said he didnt want to go back. Said it wasnt a good fit because she didnt agree that I need to be punished.

 

This is really messed up.

 

If it were true that he's being abusive only because "you make him do it" then you'd think he'd be more than happy to work on forgiving you and no longer having the undue burden of punishing you all the time. But no, he doesn't want to forgive you because then he would then have to take responsibility for his own abusive behaviors. He wouldn't have anyone else to blame it on. That's my guess.

 

I'd also guess that he would have ended up being abusive to you and the kids whether or not you had this spending problem. He probably already had it in him to be that way, and you gave him a convenient excuse. I mean, most people have a breaking point when stressed out about a situation, and some might lash out, but at some point, a rational, reasonable, non-abusive person would think, "Jesus, I'm being horrible and I need to stop this." Your husband is content to keep treating you this way. And even worse, he's content to punish the kids for things they have nothing to do with.

 

He's never going to change his behavior unless he comes to the realization that it's not okay to abuse, and that you don't deserve punishment, and if he tries to learn how to forgive you. He's shown he's not willing to do that, so why should you stay with him?

[hurtwife13]

Thank you all for your comments - I guess you are right - I want quick forgiveness. I need to stop and try to see his point of view and I DO. I can handle anger but the verbal abuse is crazy. That part of our relationship has been ongoing for our whole marriage. Nothing is ever good enough. I do everything I can for my family to make their lives easier and yet he always wants more...it is ever good enough. And everything, literally everything, that goes wrong in our lives/marriage is my fault - whether its the kids getting sick, an appliance breaking, kids bad grades (very rare), it all comes back to something I am doing or not doing.

[soserious1]

Thank you all for your comments - I guess you are right - I want quick forgiveness. I need to stop and try to see his point of view and I DO. I can handle anger but the verbal abuse is crazy. That part of our relationship has been ongoing for our whole marriage. Nothing is ever good enough. I do everything I can for my family to make their lives easier and yet he always wants more...it is ever good enough. And everything, literally everything, that goes wrong in our lives/marriage is my fault - whether its the kids getting sick, an appliance breaking, kids bad grades (very rare), it all comes back to something I am doing or not doing.

 

I divorced my husband primarily for issues related to his infidelity but fiscal concerns were right up there in the top three list of our problems.

 

Let me give you this piece of advice, your husband has every right to be angry about this situation,since this is the 3rd time you have been in this mess he also is within his rights to lack trust in you when money is concerned. Having said all of that he is NOT within his rights to verbally abuse & degrade you over this or anything else.

 

His legit choices?

 

 

1.He can decide that he just can't go through this wringer again, he can decide to file for divorce. Now if he's smart, he could also decide that this won't be happening till this current debt is gone & he can hold your feet to the fire in terms of you working to contribute to pay this mountain of bills off before he files.

 

2. He can decide that your marriage is worth repairing, he can enlist the services of a qualified debt counselor/ fiscal planner & insist that you both will abide by the solutions presented. He can set clear, firm but non-demeaning boundaries around finances along with clearly stated, non-abusive consequences should you fail to honor your agreement.

 

The entire "punishment" thing, the fact that you've been in this sort of mess, not once, not twice but three times suggests very strongly to me that you two are acting out a lot of pain about other issues in your marriage. He "punishes" you rebel by whipping out a credit card to buy something for the kids. I suspect that some sessions with a good counselor might well help you both to uncover what is really going on here. The money stuff is, IMHO just a symptom of something else.

[stillafool]

I do everything I can for my family to make their lives easier and yet he always wants more...it is ever good enough.

 

Overspending and creating massive amounts of debt is not making the lives of your family easy in any way. As a matter of fact it is taking away from your family in every way.

[SarahRose]

i think i would have a hard time forgiving if this was done to me several different times.

 

i imagine you apologized and promised not to do it again and then eventually you did.

 

i think you just need to leave him be and show you can do the right thing and eventually he may forgive you.

 

do you have a job?

[hurtwife13]

Overspending and creating massive amounts of debt is not making the lives of your family easy in any way. As a matter of fact it is taking away from your family in every way.

 

I realize that my part in this has made it harder on my family. I want to clarify - my husband spends what he wants, when he wants and while i was in charge of family fiances and would ask him to slow down he would turn on me and tell me that he can do and spend whatever he wants that i do not have the right to tell him what he can do. Yet I was not able to pay off the debt.

 

I admit that eventually it became easier to just not say anything and when he would ask how we were doing I would tell him it was fine. Yes - self preservation is selfish and I am guilty of that.

 

I wait on my family hand and foot. I dont see my friends, I drop everything when my husband needs me to do something for him and I am expected to do this to show my gratitude that he stayed with me. God forbid I make a mistake...then it starts all over.

 

I WANT to make him happy, I want to stay married, I want my kids to have a happy childhood. I am living one day at a time.

[carhill]

Establish a stable job, call it done, request mediation and waive alimony.