Ninja'sHusband Posted May 12, 2012 Posted May 12, 2012 I'm in such a state of confusion. Summary is she had a 4 month affair and wouldn't stop going to the dojo where she met the guy... I finally had enough and we are either going to separate or divorce. She's has to be out of the house by July 1st, when my mother will move in. In the meantime I am so angry and confused being around her. Other than her unfaithfulness and refusal to give me piece of mine (which are HUGE THINGS enough to break a 14 year marriage!) she is still the woman I married...she's barely aged a day and we have so much in common. I'm still am incredibly physically attracted to her, I don't think she is so much in return though. It's easy to joke with her and enjoy movies, games, etc. It's just I'm so angry at what she is doing to my family it makes it hard for me to be around...but then I see her. There's this song by Sevendust that keeps running in my head: I wish you weren't so beautiful in my eyes (crawling down your spine to make you stay) I wish you weren't so beautiful in my eyes I wish I could just be rid of her now and save myself this horrible confusion and grief. I want her to fix our family so badly by going NC and quitting the dojo...but I know she'll never do it. Being with her is driving me crazy with the extremes of emotion, love hate love hate love hate.... One minute we're laughing, joking, watching a show, the next I want to make love to her and the next I want to scream and yell and tell her the worst things I can think of. If she'd just quit the dojo I might take it all back and try to save the M again, but it's never going to happen..we've already signed separate leases on different places anyway. My mom just retired and is moving from out of state to be with me. It's really a done deal. I ended up berating my W for a couple hours last night telling her how selfish she was being..how she was hurting two families (the AP was a MM) I need to control my anger...I need to stop the hurting and longing for her when I see her dressed up nicely for class....I wish we were separated now...logistics logistics ugh. Any advice? Just focus on the positive? That's what she tells me.
96nole Posted May 13, 2012 Posted May 13, 2012 I'm in such a state of confusion. Summary is she had a 4 month affair and wouldn't stop going to the dojo where she met the guy... I finally had enough and we are either going to separate or divorce. She's has to be out of the house by July 1st, when my mother will move in. In the meantime I am so angry and confused being around her. Other than her unfaithfulness and refusal to give me piece of mine (which are HUGE THINGS enough to break a 14 year marriage!) she is still the woman I married...she's barely aged a day and we have so much in common. I'm still am incredibly physically attracted to her, I don't think she is so much in return though. It's easy to joke with her and enjoy movies, games, etc. It's just I'm so angry at what she is doing to my family it makes it hard for me to be around...but then I see her. There's this song by Sevendust that keeps running in my head: I wish I could just be rid of her now and save myself this horrible confusion and grief. I want her to fix our family so badly by going NC and quitting the dojo...but I know she'll never do it. Being with her is driving me crazy with the extremes of emotion, love hate love hate love hate.... One minute we're laughing, joking, watching a show, the next I want to make love to her and the next I want to scream and yell and tell her the worst things I can think of. If she'd just quit the dojo I might take it all back and try to save the M again, but it's never going to happen..we've already signed separate leases on different places anyway. My mom just retired and is moving from out of state to be with me. It's really a done deal. I ended up berating my W for a couple hours last night telling her how selfish she was being..how she was hurting two families (the AP was a MM) I need to control my anger...I need to stop the hurting and longing for her when I see her dressed up nicely for class....I wish we were separated now...logistics logistics ugh. Any advice? Just focus on the positive? That's what she tells me. Oh dear God, I cannot even begin to imagine what you are going through. At least I was lucky enough to be able to throw my ex out. I've only seen her 3 time in the past 3 months (talked on the phone another 4 or 5) and those times were hard enough. But to have to still see her everyday? My stupid ex is pissed that I threw her out twice in the past year. But what does she expect? There was no way I could be in the same house as her. Is there anyway you can leave the house while she is there, or at least for a few hours? Can you go to a different part of the house? Can you put a tent in the back yard? Is there anywhere else she can go other than the dojo? Do you have any friends or family local that you can go and spend the night once in a while. Focus on the positive, is she serious!? WTF is the positive!!?? I think for your own sanity, you can't be sitting watching TV with her. You need to do whatever you can to not be in the same room as her. Luckily I don't have to see my ex. I saw her last week and she's gained a lot of weight the past 3 months. What is helping me right now if focusing on the anger and hate. I'm stopping focusing on how pretty I thought she is. Or all the good times. I'm focusing on her lies, betrayal, the awful things she did and said. It's easier to demonize her with her not here.
Author Ninja'sHusband Posted May 13, 2012 Author Posted May 13, 2012 (edited) Thanks. I really am in a complete state of confusion about how to handle this in the short term. Right now I'm avoiding her. That might be the thing to do. I dunno about focusing on the bad stuff though, I've done so much of that. I have to coparent with her =\ I can't always hate her. If we didn't have kids, I probably would just kill her in my mind and never see her again. I did that with a GF I had in highschool and it seemed to be the best thing. Here...it's much harder because of our daughter =\ STBXW's outside with two neighbor wives who she's become really good friends with. The kids are riding bikes around and playing games outside. I'm inside doing laundry, thinking about D and grieving. I should probably go to work...I'm behind and have things to do. I have no idea what we're going to do for Mother's Day. I hate holidays right now...Valentines Day and our 14th Anniversary were completely spoiled this year... Edited May 13, 2012 by Ninja'sHusband
Steen719 Posted May 13, 2012 Posted May 13, 2012 I can feel your pain through the words, NH. It is very hard to be in the same house. I did it for over 3 months after the divorce. He dated in front of me; not that the women were there, but phone, texts, all hours of the night and he would leave for his girlfriend's. It is awful and it is the hardest thing to do. I had to leave when I did or I would have been cuckoo (more than I already am). Stay out of the house as much as you can. You know, it is going to hurt, no matter what you do. It just sucks. Nothing but her moving out and you moving on will make things better. I am sorry. Stay busy if you can. Go ahead and go to work, go to the gym, see some friends and do anything you can to get out. I stayed in my room when he was around. I just could not stand to hear him on the phone and texting. It is hard to grieve for someone who seems to care so little for us. I know what you mean about the holidays. I have had Thanksgiving, Christmas, Valentines day and now Mother's day, which will be fine since my son is home from college for the summer. I still will miss us all being together, but it is a new life and I have to go forward. I think you are lucky to have your mom coming to stay. Being alone is hard after the divorce. I can tell you this. I really did not start to feel any better until we were not living under the same roof. You will endure it and slowly, it will start being tolerable and you will have some good days to look forward to. Keep your chin up; you really will feel better. {{{HUGS}}} 1
viktorious11 Posted May 14, 2012 Posted May 14, 2012 Well, I certainly have some sympathy for you. I've been trying to make it work with my STBXW, all the while she's already in love with another man. It was so painful- and I had similar feelings of pain/confusion. The only thing that ended (or softened, rather) the pain was letting go. Your W seems too involved already. Have you confronted her about it and told her to stop and she just keep doing it anyway? That's so wrong. You need out. You are being gracious by allowing her the next 1 1/2 months. I don't know how the technicalities work, but I'd just kick her to the curb and move on. It seems pretty over to me, as hard as that can be to swallow. Start working on yourself in any way. Get out to the gym- in my case I play soccer or work out or go for a long bike ride. Whatever it takes to get your situation off of your mind and onto bigger and better things. The attraction will always be there- but it takes more than that to make a marriage last forever. it wasn't meant to be- so accept and just keep on truckin'
Author Ninja'sHusband Posted May 14, 2012 Author Posted May 14, 2012 Well, I certainly have some sympathy for you. I've been trying to make it work with my STBXW, all the while she's already in love with another man. It was so painful- and I had similar feelings of pain/confusion. The only thing that ended (or softened, rather) the pain was letting go. Your W seems too involved already. Have you confronted her about it and told her to stop and she just keep doing it anyway? That's so wrong. You need out. You are being gracious by allowing her the next 1 1/2 months. I don't know how the technicalities work, but I'd just kick her to the curb and move on. It seems pretty over to me, as hard as that can be to swallow. Start working on yourself in any way. Get out to the gym- in my case I play soccer or work out or go for a long bike ride. Whatever it takes to get your situation off of your mind and onto bigger and better things. The attraction will always be there- but it takes more than that to make a marriage last forever. it wasn't meant to be- so accept and just keep on truckin' Thanks If you want more details, there's a massive thread over in infidelity: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/314134-boundary-setting-question Her A is over, has been for six months. We had a good Mother's Day. Last night I brought up how just two weeks ago she was telling me how she loved me. She started giving me her own version of "I love you but I'm not in love with you". I told her she was the same woman I married and I had all the same feelings I always did, just that I couldn't feel secure because I didn't feel the same love in return anymore. I said I would miss her terribly, and she said she would miss me too. Then she cried herself to sleep. It feels wrong for me to say it, but her tears gave me some sort of comfort. I'm pushing for separation in case she comes to her senses. We are telling our daughter on Saturday, we've got it pretty well planned out :'(
Owl Posted May 15, 2012 Posted May 15, 2012 For the next month and a half? Hell...move out into the yard. Setup a tent, come into the house for showers and to use the restroom. Beyond that...limit your contact with her as much as humanely possible. My wife and I did an "in home seperation" for about 3 weeks right after d-day in our case...it was tough, but the easiest way for me to deal with it was to take LONG, LONG walks (typically 10 + miles, daily) so that I was not in the house and around her. Do neither of you have anyplace to go for a few weeks?
jwi71 Posted May 16, 2012 Posted May 16, 2012 I feel for you NH. I do. BTDT. (I breuer tried to stay for the kids, couldn't handle it). Like Owl says, I would bail. I would crash at a friends. If not, try a long-stay hotel. Here, in Texas one month isn't 1000. Is that do-able? Suggest that your stbxw crash at friends. i would suggest the following: 1) stop pretending you are still M with these heart to heart talks. They aren't healthy. 2) ignore her. Only speak to her concerning your daughter. 3) be gone. Go to the gym. Take your daughter to the park and DON'T invite stbxw. Don't even tell her. Just go. 4) sleep on the couch. 5) no more sex with her. No nothing. Don't even see each other in a stage of dressing/undressing. 6) go get laid. Who cares if your heart isn't in it. Just find a new piece of azz and have some good old fashioned carnal fun. No doubt you can find some This is 50% serious advice. 7) treat her like a male roommate. 8) begin dis-engaging behaviors. Her thoughts and feelings are none of your business and the reverse is also true. Start letting go. I have done each and every item on the list. They DID hasten my ability to detach, let go and ultimately move on. NH, your life is in front of you. I would start letting her go so you can face the future. And let's face it, it's gonna suck at first. It WILL get better.
Steen719 Posted May 16, 2012 Posted May 16, 2012 I feel for you NH. I do. BTDT. (I breuer tried to stay for the kids, couldn't handle it). Like Owl says, I would bail. I would crash at a friends. If not, try a long-stay hotel. Here, in Texas one month isn't 1000. Is that do-able? Suggest that your stbxw crash at friends. i would suggest the following: 1) stop pretending you are still M with these heart to heart talks. They aren't healthy. 2) ignore her. Only speak to her concerning your daughter. 3) be gone. Go to the gym. Take your daughter to the park and DON'T invite stbxw. Don't even tell her. Just go. 4) sleep on the couch. 5) no more sex with her. No nothing. Don't even see each other in a stage of dressing/undressing. 6) go get laid. Who cares if your heart isn't in it. Just find a new piece of azz and have some good old fashioned carnal fun. No doubt you can find some This is 50% serious advice. 7) treat her like a male roommate. 8) begin dis-engaging behaviors. Her thoughts and feelings are none of your business and the reverse is also true. Start letting go. I have done each and every item on the list. They DID hasten my ability to detach, let go and ultimately move on. NH, your life is in front of you. I would start letting her go so you can face the future. And let's face it, it's gonna suck at first. It WILL get better. This is the hardest thing, but I think very good advice. You have to start seeing her in a different way or you will never start to heal. Over and over, I had these talks with no good ending. I kept hoping for an new ending and it never came. Each time, it hurt like the first time. I had to stop. I agree with most of the other ones, too, but I think this is key to begin.
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