Really? A random text now? After everything?

[writergal]

When you receive a random text from someone you haven't spoken to in years - because things ended rather badly - how do you react? Do you ignore the text or are you tempted to respond?

 

I just received a text from a friend I haven't spoken to in a few years. The friendship ended badly and I was a doormat throughout the friendship, and want nothing to do with this person anymore. But when I read the text, it jolted me back to the past. Of course I didn't respond and just deleted it (I don't have her info stored on my phone anymore either). I have no idea why she would contact me now. I'm irritated.

 

Why not pick up the phone and call or at least send an email if you want to reconnect. A text seems really passive aggressive to me.

 

Can anyone relate?

[d'Arthez]

It is one thing if the two of you drifted apart, due to your life developing in a completely different direction (eg. moving to live on the other side of the world).

 

Sounds like an act of "morality lite" on the part of your former friend. To get rid of feelings of guilt or to attempt and get something from you, because he / she wants to get access to your skills?

 

Just ignore it. Unless he / she is willing to make a real effort, you are better off ignoring them. After all, how hard can it be to grab the phone?

[TaraMaiden]

Why worry about it....

 

It doesn't matter.

They tried, you refused it.

Fine, don't worry about it.

 

chewing over things like this, after the event is utterly unproductive.

If you're going to respond to it, do so.

if not - delete, move on.

I mean, what's the point of a moratorium if you're ignoring it?

[writergal]

It is one thing if the two of you drifted apart, due to your life developing in a completely different direction (eg. moving to live on the other side of the world).

 

Sounds like an act of "morality lite" on the part of your former friend. To get rid of feelings of guilt or to attempt and get something from you, because he / she wants to get access to your skills?

 

Just ignore it. Unless he / she is willing to make a real effort, you are better off ignoring them. After all, how hard can it be to grab the phone?

 

That was my first reaction, "she's contacting me because she wants something from me as usual." Over the 7 years we were friends, anytime I asserted myself with her she cut me off with the silent treatment. Sometimes she cut me off for weeks, sometimes for months, and sometimes as long as two years.

 

Who needs a friend like that?!

 

I agree. Had she made a real effort (i.e. call me on the phone since she still has my cell # obviously), I would have at least heard her out.

 

A text is definitely "morality lite."

[writergal]

Why worry about it....

 

It doesn't matter.

They tried, you refused it.

Fine, don't worry about it.

 

chewing over things like this, after the event is utterly unproductive.

If you're going to respond to it, do so.

if not - delete, move on.

I mean, what's the point of a moratorium if you're ignoring it?

 

I wish it didn't bother me, TM. It does because I'm mad at myself for how long I let this friend take advantage of me. Clearly I have unresolved anger still, if I'm letting her lame text emotionally affect me.

 

Well, I ignored it because I know if I let her friendship back into my life, the same pattern of friendship would persist that is one-sided and toxic. This is a person who can't take even the slightest critique about her behavior; someone who is a master manipulator and has a serious detachment problem the way she treats people like objects.

 

But you're right. I just need to let it go and move on. It's a nice day out and there's a small lake nearby where I can go walk around this afternoon.

[whichwayisup]

In this case, silence is the best way to handle this.

 

If there was a chance of fixing the friendship and if she was worth the effort, then I'd tell you to reply. But, she seems like a complete dorkhead who plays stupid games. Don't EVER let her know that she still gets to you.

[writergal]

In this case, silence is the best way to handle this.

 

If there was a chance of fixing the friendship and if she was worth the effort, then I'd tell you to reply. But, she seems like a complete dorkhead who plays stupid games. Don't EVER let her know that she still gets to you.

 

no reply/silence: I totally agree.

 

She's definitely is. It's like that old cliche "a leopard never changes its spots".

[Ursa]

Ah. I have replied to your other thread, but I hadn't seen this one until just now.

 

I do relate, to an astonishing degree.

 

I mentioned a woman in your other thread, who was offended (rather unreasonably), and a couple of years later reached out via text. I kind of glossed over half of the circumstances as it's a long story and not all of it was germane there. I have been considering starting my own thread in this section, about her, since I've actually mentioned her in a few other threads recently (StarGazer's thread in the Getting Married section).

 

She was my best friend for more than half our lives. She's a high-strung type, where I am much more laid-back; she's always been needy and high-maintenance, but I had known her for so long I always understood where she was coming from and cut her slack. I felt like we actually complemented each other in many ways, as I was one of the people who could calm her down, and sometimes she could give me a good jolt of motivation or a kick in the pants when I needed it. But, she could be difficult, and she'd driven people away before.

 

She had kind of a meltdown when I was getting married, took it personally that we wanted a small, immediate-family-only wedding, refused to join me for a "bachelorette" spa day that I invited her to, threw a hissy and made my wedding all about her, in the days leading up to it when I hardly needed extra stress. And as I mentioned, there was some weirdness around my son, she was angry that I couldn't be there for her the way I used to be when I had a newborn to take care of. Other things happened, I mean it's a pretty long story. I felt very ill-used. I told her that I needed some time to think and process, that I couldn't talk to her for a little while--I was too angry, I needed time to cool off before I said things I couldn't take back later. My method of controlling my temper is to disengage and take a step back until I get clarity, she has always known this, and she had just almost ruined my wedding. Her response was to immediately defriend and block me on various technology and social media, so I figured that was a clear, albeit rather passive aggressive final message, and I just never contacted her again and thought that was the end.

 

Two years later, she sends a text .

 

I don't know, I don't really fault her for the text. Yes, it was lame methodology...however I know her well enough to know that it was really hard for her to reach out. She has admitted that she has been thinking of me a lot, missing our friendship. The texting was not ideal, but I understood the gesture she was trying to make. The problem is, there is still so much left unsaid.

 

She's waiting for me to make the next move. I have exchanged a few texts with her, but I haven't responded to her most recent attempt to move things along. I admit I have kind of left her hanging at this point. After two years, and all the hurt, I'm not sure I have the emotional energy for this right now. I do still miss the very close friendship we had--we considered ourselves more like sisters--but I also look at her, and our dynamics, in a very different light now.

[writergal]

Ah. I have replied to your other thread, but I hadn't seen this one until just now.

 

I do relate, to an astonishing degree.

 

I mentioned a woman in your other thread, who was offended (rather unreasonably), and a couple of years later reached out via text. I kind of glossed over half of the circumstances as it's a long story and not all of it was germane there. I have been considering starting my own thread in this section, about her, since I've actually mentioned her in a few other threads recently (StarGazer's thread in the Getting Married section).

 

She was my best friend for more than half our lives. She's a high-strung type, where I am much more laid-back; she's always been needy and high-maintenance, but I had known her for so long I always understood where she was coming from and cut her slack. I felt like we actually complemented each other in many ways, as I was one of the people who could calm her down, and sometimes she could give me a good jolt of motivation or a kick in the pants when I needed it. But, she could be difficult, and she'd driven people away before.

 

She had kind of a meltdown when I was getting married, took it personally that we wanted a small, immediate-family-only wedding, refused to join me for a "bachelorette" spa day that I invited her to, threw a hissy and made my wedding all about her, in the days leading up to it when I hardly needed extra stress. And as I mentioned, there was some weirdness around my son, she was angry that I couldn't be there for her the way I used to be when I had a newborn to take care of. Other things happened, I mean it's a pretty long story. I felt very ill-used. I told her that I needed some time to think and process, that I couldn't talk to her for a little while--I was too angry, I needed time to cool off before I said things I couldn't take back later. My method of controlling my temper is to disengage and take a step back until I get clarity, she has always known this, and she had just almost ruined my wedding. Her response was to immediately defriend and block me on various technology and social media, so I figured that was a clear, albeit rather passive aggressive final message, and I just never contacted her again and thought that was the end.

 

Two years later, she sends a text .

 

I don't know, I don't really fault her for the text. Yes, it was lame methodology...however I know her well enough to know that it was really hard for her to reach out. She has admitted that she has been thinking of me a lot, missing our friendship. The texting was not ideal, but I understood the gesture she was trying to make. The problem is, there is still so much left unsaid.

 

She's waiting for me to make the next move. I have exchanged a few texts with her, but I haven't responded to her most recent attempt to move things along. I admit I have kind of left her hanging at this point. After two years, and all the hurt, I'm not sure I have the emotional energy for this right now. I do still miss the very close friendship we had--we considered ourselves more like sisters--but I also look at her, and our dynamics, in a very different light now.

 

I just responded to your other thread where you describe texting as the equivalent to an electronic Post-It Note. That is brilliant because that's exactly what texting feels like to me and why I dislike it so much unless it's for quick, necessary communication.

 

Sorry to hear you've had such a difficult time with this friend. She sounds very high maintenance and lacking of self-awareness. Cannot believe she made YOUR wedding day about her. How selfish! And how immature for her to immediately block you on different technology and social media rather than cool off and apologize to you for her bad behavior. You deserve far better treatment from a friend on a special day like your own wedding, esp. considering how close you two were.

 

Maybe just keep a safe distance from her for now?

[volvos90xc]

This friend doesn't seem worth it. The friend may just want to use you for something or else why don't she keep in touch with you consistently. If the relationship end badly and you want to do nothing more with her and the friendship never really recovered, then you should just avoid the text. If she did do something to attempt to build back the relationship in order to be better friends and not using you then you should contact her back.

[Frank13]

When friendships end badly, a lot of times the person reaching out later is not sure if they will be welcomed back.

 

They will often send a text, even as little as "hi" to test the waters or to extend the olive branch. No one wants to make a big deal out of it and then be told to go 'F' themselves.

 

I can imagine if she called and started talking like nothing was wrong, you would be here saying what nerve she has for thinking she could just walk back into your life like nothing happened.

[writergal]

Oh, I deleted her text the moment I read it.

 

This friend doesn't seem worth it. The friend may just want to use you for something or else why don't she keep in touch with you consistently. If the relationship end badly and you want to do nothing more with her and the friendship never really recovered, then you should just avoid the text. If she did do something to attempt to build back the relationship in order to be better friends and not using you then you should contact her back.

[writergal]

Heh! True. I probably would post in the rant section a thread called "when bad ex-friends text you..." to vent about it.

 

I get it that most people defer to the text message to test the waters or to extend the olive branch when reaching out to a person they've wronged/or been wronged by. BUT I'm not made that way. I would rather gouge my eyes out than engage in a text discussion with someone about anything when that takes more time up than an actual phone call. Not to mention the lack of interpersonal cues with text messages that are important.

 

When friendships end badly, a lot of times the person reaching out later is not sure if they will be welcomed back.

 

They will often send a text, even as little as "hi" to test the waters or to extend the olive branch. No one wants to make a big deal out of it and then be told to go 'F' themselves.

 

I can imagine if she called and started talking like nothing was wrong, you would be here saying what nerve she has for thinking she could just walk back into your life like nothing happened.

[Frank13]

I get it that most people defer to the text message to test the waters or to extend the olive branch when reaching out to a person they've wronged/or been wronged by. BUT I'm not made that way. I would rather gouge my eyes out than engage in a text discussion with someone about anything when that takes more time up than an actual phone call. Not to mention the lack of interpersonal cues with text messages that are important.

 

I never said "engage in a text discussion". I said they will send a text to test the waters and to extend the olive branch. From there it should transition to a phone call or meet up.

 

So because you are not "made that way", you wouldn't even reply to a text message to show it is okay for the other person to call or meet up? Sounds like everyone else would rather gouge their eyes out than try to extend the olive branch.

[westrock]

You didn't say what the text said as that would help put it into context.

 

Clearly I have unresolved anger still, if I'm letting her lame text emotionally affect me.

 

At least her texting has helped you recognize you have unresolved anger. Maybe you can use this experience as an opportunity to start working on resolving those feelings.

 

Well, I ignored it because I know if I let her friendship back into my life, the same pattern of friendship would persist that is one-sided and toxic. This is a person who can't take even the slightest critique about her behavior; someone who is a master manipulator and has a serious detachment problem the way she treats people like objects.

 

You are under no obligation to resume the friendship. If this is how you feel, then you can ignore her text.

 

I would rather gouge my eyes out than engage in a text discussion with someone about anything when that takes more time up than an actual phone call. Not to mention the lack of interpersonal cues with text messages that are important.

 

Fair enough, but then you could have replied to the text with a simple "call me" and see if the person follows up. But, in the end, if you don't want anything to do with this person, then you did the right thing and you should just carry on with your life (and work on resolving those feelings).

[writergal]

Oh you misunderstood me (or I'm really a terrible writer gal).

 

I meant that my ex-friend refused to talk on the phone and used text messages as her sole means of communication, often forcing me to engage in text discussions with her which drove me crazy.

 

So when I said I wasn't made that way - that's what I meant. I don't like texting unless it's for brief communication. Of course I would reply to a text someone sent to verify that we're meeting up or if I'm free for a phone call. Those texts I respond to. But it's the ones where the friend wants to text for an hour back and forth about an issue - I can't handle that. I'd rather use the telephone for those types of conversations. Sorry if I didn't make that clear in my post. My bad.

 

I never said "engage in a text discussion". I said they will send a text to test the waters and to extend the olive branch. From there it should transition to a phone call or meet up.

 

So because you are not "made that way", you wouldn't even reply to a text message to show it is okay for the other person to call or meet up? Sounds like everyone else would rather gouge their eyes out than try to extend the olive branch.

[writergal]

You didn't say what the text said as that would help put it into context.

 

No reason to repeat the text message here. It was brief and was a statement rather than an invitation to talk. [/b]

[/

At least her texting has helped you recognize you have unresolved anger. Maybe you can use this experience as an opportunity to start working on resolving those feelings.

 

Yes it did help me recognize my unresolved anger. I'm not always good at processing feelings when a relationship is finished. I thought I had with this friendship but clearly that's not the case. It's a good learning experience for me, you're right.

 

You are under no obligation to resume the friendship. If this is how you feel, then you can ignore her text.

 

I saw no reason to respond so I didn't. What could I have possibly said? It would have ignited yet another text discussion which I wasn't willing to participate in with her anymore.

 

Fair enough, but then you could have replied to the text with a simple "call me" and see if the person follows up. But, in the end, if you don't want anything to do with this person, then you did the right thing and you should just carry on with your life (and work on resolving those feelings).

 

She rarely called. She hid behind text messages and bombarded me daily with many that were often dramatic, hostile, emotional and plain odd. I know I did the right thing by not responding to her text. I broke the pattern by not responding. In the past, if I said or did anything assertive in the friendship, she would immediately cut me off with the silent treatment; no explanation, nothing. Then weeks, months and the longest period - 2 years - later she'd text me out of the blue - the olive branch - I'd respond, and we'd resume our toxic one-sided friendship again.

 

So when she texted me out of the blue 2 years after the friendship ended (online, how ironic) recently, I knew that the best response was no response on my part. I've closed that chapter of my life. I deserve better treatment from friends. If I wanted a text-only friend or phone-only friend I'd get pen pals and never leave my apartment. But I need to see and interact with my friends in person, talk to them on the phone, and participate in the friendship so that it's not one-sided like this one was (where I was the doormat, the inferior friend if you will). That is why I didn't respond to her text.

Edited May 25, 2012 by writergal

[Frank13]

Oh you misunderstood me (or I'm really a terrible writer gal).

 

I meant that my ex-friend refused to talk on the phone and used text messages as her sole means of communication, often forcing me to engage in text discussions with her which drove me crazy.

 

So when I said I wasn't made that way - that's what I meant. I don't like texting unless it's for brief communication. Of course I would reply to a text someone sent to verify that we're meeting up or if I'm free for a phone call. Those texts I respond to. But it's the ones where the friend wants to text for an hour back and forth about an issue - I can't handle that. I'd rather use the telephone for those types of conversations. Sorry if I didn't make that clear in my post. My bad.

 

Okay I understand now and apologize for what I wrote as it didn't apply. I am the same way. Had a friend once that wouldn't answer my emails for a long time or not at all. Later she said it took too much effort and she would rather just text.

 

So, after she told me it took to much effort to reply to a friends email, I did the same thing. She would email me and I wouldn't reply. Wasn't out of spite. I just took her view that if I wasn't important enough to reply to, than neither was she. Later she said it would hurt that I didn't reply. Really? She is the one who taught me not to reply.

[imani]

I totally understand where you are coming from. I have that same situation recently with an associate of mine (she got demoted from friend to associate based on her actions). She always text or calls to make plans to hang out and catch up and then flakes. So after a year of this I just ignored her as well. Recently she sends this text about making plans to hang out. I went along with it knowing she was full of crap as usual. Sure enough she calls with an excuse as to why she can't make it.

 

The difference in my reaction this time is that her "friendship" doesn't matter enough for me to care about it. I EXPECT her to always flake which is why I'm indifferent to her actions.

 

Now that your "friend" has shown you how much she values you as a friend, treat her the same. I'm not saying be intentionally cruel, but I mean just don't put any effort into her or keeping the friendship going. If she claims she's "so busy" well, YOU be busy too. And don't expect her to make any efforts that real friends do that way you won't be disappointed when they do no shows.