Please feel pity on me and read this and give me some advice please!!!!

[TommyGirl]

Hey Everyone! I really need advice!

 

Ok here's my story, I will try to make it short as possible. Me and my ex-fiancee dated for about 2 years, he proposed to me Christmas last year. We both had graduated together and he was leaving to go to a job he got in Chicago in January. Our relationship was good, but he was always jealous and insecure in the relationship which caused many arguments. We both fell in love with each other and made great plans for our future. Once he got settled where he was, we were going to get married at the end of the year, and I was going to move up there. It all would have worked out for me.

We are both 24.

 

About four months ago, he broke it off, saying he was confused about his feelings for me and didn't know whether or not I was the "one", after he proposed now. He first said we could take a break but didn't know for how long, I was not dumb, and I knew he maybe had somebody in mind that he wanted to date. I would have never thought in a million years that he would think like this, but he did. He was the type of person who would make sure of anything before he did it. I did not beg and plead, I gave him my blessing so he could go on his merry way. I told him he didn't have to feel guilty about anything, or call and check up on me. I told him we could talk every blue moon, he insisted we talk at least 3 or 4 times a week. I was mad, angry, hurt, upset, and was wondering how someone could propose to me, without me asking them to, and then turn around and tell me something like this. He was the best boyfriend I had ever had so far, because he was very spiritual religiously and wanted nothing but to spend time with me and gave nothing but the best to me, and I also did the same things for him. My friends and family told me to continue to talk to him, because it just might be that he needs to sort out his feelings. They know him as the type that only dates to marry and not the cheating kind. I was his first serious relationship, but he talked to other girls before me in college, so I figured I was what he wanted as that is what he had told me. He said this was best we do this now then later.

 

Anyway fast forward, we talked and emailed each other at work for the first two months, because we both work for the same company just different states. He always contaced me, I NEVER contaced him. he always wanted to know what was going on in my life, mainly if I was dating anyone, he always said he did not want me to date nobody, even if he had somebody else. I had little hope, mainly because we were so far apart. I maybe asked once or twice did he think that it was hope for us and he said I should not want to be with somebody that was unsure right now. He always used right now after everything he said. That woman's intuition kicked in and I knew he was kicking it with somebody, so I asked him and he said he had went out on a date and kissed her and blah, blah. I did ask him all of that. I wished him the best with her and told him not to call me anymore. He said she was cool with us talking on the phone. He begged, begged and begged that I stay friends with him and I told him no. If he had her, then what was I good for, I am definitlely not no sideline chick, I was too focused in my life and I knew what I wanted and this was not it. I told him all of this. I finally agreed he could call me once a month.

 

That was 2 months ago. He would always break the rules and would make up some lame excuse to call me. I became really angry with him, because I felt like I was being disrespected after I told him not to call me. We have seen each other about 3 or 4 times since then too. His company sent him to the company where I work at. I also asked about two months ago, if they were an item, and he first said no, then sort of, then yes. It hurt, but I just let it burn and went on with my life. I told him that I had a male friend, but nothing serious, but someone I would consider being with; he did not like that, and compared himself to my friend and asked all types of questions that I avoided the answer too.

 

The last time he came where I was, he called and ask me to go out to dinner with him, I agreed and it was very boring. I maybe thought that he wanted closure for himself, but we ended up talking about nothing, he was all sad and stuff and I was cool and calm. The only thing he asked me was who I was with, and what we were doing, I told him that I did not have a boyfriend, but I had male friends I was chilling with. He is not the type of person to ask somebody out to dinner for nothing, and I thought that if he had a girlfriend, he would not ask me out either. I did not ask him were they still dating or anything about his personal life. Just general questions about work, family and stuff like that. He didn't want to talk about that stuff. He also told me that he didn't want to take me out if I had a boyfriend??? He asked did I still love him, and did I still think about him. I told him yes, I only asked if he still thought about me and he said yes. I didn't take it as he was trying to get back together, because you have to tell me straight up that you want to get back together, no hinting around for me. He also told me on the visit before that one, that I shouldn't be dating anyone, and when I ask him why, he says just cause. Afterwards, I wished him the best in life and in his career, and he said he did not like those words because they sound so cold. After I dropped him off at his hotel, he got out of the car and said he wasn't going to contact me as much, and it seemed I was a busy lady now since my phone kept ringing during the dinner. I told him have a safe trip back and take care. He still ended up calling me the next day, telling me he was on his way out. We had already said our goodbyes. He also told me he hopes whoever I date treats me nice with respect and I was like yeah, whatever, ok. And he also wanted to know the last two times was I still wearing the ring or not. I have not given him any indication that I was sobbing over him, or that I was still holding on to hope or anything. We don't have any mutual friends and I don't tell his mother everything, nor do I talk to her that much.

 

Everybody thinks that it is not working with this girl and that he wants me back, I just want some different opinions because you guys seem really intelligent on this board and some of you have been through similar situations!! I also am really close with his mother, and she recently told me that after the dinner, he was sad about his brother getting married, and she asked him was he still in love with me, and he said that "he would always love me, but he was not in love with me, he guessed not." The same answer I had given her previously in the conversation when she asked me the same question. I know that I love him, but I really don't know if I am in love with him anymore, after all that has happened between us.

[miz_barby]

Totally pathetic and probably makes most not want to read this!

 

Second I think you've done a hella good job in maintaining the boundries! You gave him the space he asked for and you seemed to move on! Congrads on that because it seems to have worked!

 

I say he doesn't deserve your love again because he wasn't "sure" about you before! I also understand about being unsure about the LDR thing but you were together so long! I think he wanted an excuse to see what else was out there while keeping you on a string! I would stay friends with him but until he shows enough maturity to be open and up front about his feelings I wouldn't even consider trying to be with him!

[Apollo432]

TommyGirl,

I am sorry that his has happened. You sound like a very strong woman and you handeled the situation perfectly.

 

When you said that you didnt want him beating around the bush with how he felt about you that is entirely correct. You should not put up with that at all. Love has no pride and if he does want to get back with you but cannot say it then he still has a lot of work ahead of him.

 

It seems like he wants to go out and be with other women but wants you to wait for him as a back up. (My ex gf just pulled this crap on me). Its not worth it. You seem strong independant and very caring. Is this the kind of guy you want to spend your life with?

 

If you did wind up getting back together do you think that he would do this to you again?

 

I know in my situation that I would always wonder if she was in a bad mood or not treating me "normally" that I would be scared that she would pull this again just knowing that I went back to her b4.

 

Just a few things that I have been thinking about.