Built a life heading towards lonliness

[lostcommunication]

How to cope? The ways and methods have been eluding me so far. My story goes back a few months now. We had been together for 5 1/2 years, being engaged for 14 months at that point. It had been a long distance relationship for the previous 3 1/2 years, school for her, work for me. The wedding was mostly complete for planning, supposed to be at the end of this year.

 

I went to see her one weekend and everything seemed normal. The day after I arrived she broke down and told me she's been doubting alot of things lately, and she had been unhappy for the last 6 months. I told her things would get better and we could work through these feelings, I just wished she hadn't kept them a secret for so long.

 

Later that week, she called and told me she couldn't do this anymore. I was devastated. A few hours after it happened I called her back and told her we needed to talk when she was ready. The next morning we spoke on the phone again and the split was downgraded to a "break". I went back to see my parents that weekend for advice and strength. I tried to give her space, it felt impossible and I broke no contact pretty soon. The sunday night we had a long talk on the phone about what eachother wanted, she wanted time, and I wanted contact.

 

I told her I would try and give her space. We talked a few days later, and made a plan to see each other the following weekend. She invited me to stay over saturday night, and everything returned to normal. She said she didn't want the wedding we had planned anymore, something smaller and much further away. Things felt like they had before, or maybe I was naive. We planned a smaller wedding and things were happy.

 

A month and a half later we planned to go home and that's where things turned for the worse. She wanted me to come up in the morning the day after we planned, when we were in the car home she slept the entire way. We got home and she napped again. I felt something was up. When she got up shortly before dinner I asked her. She said her feelings had not changed, she didn't want to get married any longer. She said she loved me, but she wasn't happy, and wasn't sure where to go from there.

 

The weekend progressed and we were able to bring up to her father what was talked about. We had a few more days at home and again I felt as if the more we talked about it the more things felt normal. I dropped her back off at school and I headed home. The next fours weeks were extremely limited conversation and avoidance on her part. I seen her for a day and a half on one weekend, things didn't appear to be that off, aside from the minimal contact. Again after I left contact dropped, and I felt like I was having to chase her to have communication.

 

After a couple more weeks of incredibly limited talking, she asked me if I wanted to go home again for a few days together and I quickly said yes. She made excuses why I couldn't come up during the weekend to take her home and I would have to wait until monday morning to get her. I forced the idea of getting her sunday night, and she accepted.

 

Something came up sunday mid day and I rushed to see her. When I got there we talked for 45 minutes, she gave me back her engagement ring and asked me to leave so she could catch a bus home to be with family. She told me she is still unhappy, she felt like she wanted to be alone to figure things out. She said she's known for a few months this is what she's wanted, but couldn't bring herself to do it. She didn't want to "hurt" me. She told me she loves me still, and always will as I was her first. At this point we were together for 5 years 9 months, engaged for 1 1/2 years. As I was leaving, she hugged me and gave me a kiss on the cheek. This broke my heart in two and I left.

 

It has been 6 days. I've gone NC with her, removed her from facebook a couple days after the split. I got a text from her 3 days into NC I wasn't ready for. She asked how I was and said it was hard for her too. She hoped I would be able to get to a place where I don't hate her and hoped for a reply and that we could talk again one day. How can I hate her? I wish I could, I figure this heartbreak would be easier. I just don't know where to go from here. I ignored the text, as much as I wanted to reply. I love her, and aside from being blindsided I have no regrets from the relationship. There wasn't any abuse, we didn't fight alot.

 

More recently towards the period where she told me she felt unhappy I had been pushing the idea of when she was done school to come live with me, which only made sense (atleast to me). I've built my life around the idea of this relationship, from appliances to a dog. How do I move on from here? I find myself breaking down everyday, mostly in the mornings. I dream of us together..

 

I can't even get away from this in my sleep. I feel that if she called me tomorrow and said she made a mistake I would jump at the chance to be with her again, most likely only to get my heart broken. I'm not sure whether I need advice, or maybe just to voice my story. I've read alot of things this week that seem to make what I'm going through easier or atleast to something which I relate. I want her back, but I'm not sure if that's the right thing at this point.

 

Her graduation is coming up within a month, and last weekend while we were talking she mentioned it and said she would love to have me there as long as I didn't find it too awkward. I highly doubt I will be in any sort of strong enough state to see her by then.

 

How do I get over an ex I'm still in love with? I guess only time will tell.

Edited May 12, 2012 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[Exit]

Sorry for what you're going through. I don't have a whole lot of advice. For the life of me I cannot understand why these types of situations seem to be so prevalent these days. People seem to have these relationships that last 4, 5, 6 years and then someone just gives up. And maybe it's just that guys are more likely to come to forums like these but from what I've witnessed it seems more often than not it is the girls who suddenly have a change of heart or don't know what they want. I'm not trying to upset the female members here because I know guys are capable of doing this type of stuff too, and I don't make blanket statements like other people who try to say it's always girls doing this or always guys doing that, but I can't ignore the trend I see that it seems more often to be the ladies who have a change of heart.

 

You're going to get the same advice as everyone else around here, do your best to let it go and stop making contact. If she doesn't want to be together anymore then there's no reason to do things like show up for graduation or anything like that. It might seem cold, but really apart from the most mutual of breakups, where both people decide that they want to be apart, trying to be friends just doesn't work out.

 

We all heal at our own pace. You had a pretty long relationship and if I were in your shoes, 5+ years would take me a looong time to get over. It's taking me over six months to get over a relationship that lasted less than 2 years. But just judging by what you wrote, you seem to have it more "together" than most people here do. Obviously you are hurting but I get the sense that you'll be able to handle this.

 

Try not to fall into the mental trap of thinking there is something you can do, some way to win her back. People are not things to be "won" and love isn't really something that one person should have to convince the other to believe in. All you can do is respect her decision while defending your own boundaries, don't give in to being friends or acting like you are okay with this if it doesn't feel right to you. Maybe some day she will realize she got cold feet and threw away a long term relationship for really no reason, or maybe she has crossed that line that many women do not come back from, where for some reason they just feel that the feeling is gone. Maybe she wants to be single, or maybe she's being immature and traded in a long term relationship because she wants to find something new and feel that excitement of a fresh relationship. And there's always that unfortunate possibility that she already had her eye on something else.

[DreamerDeceiver]

I feel you man. She started acting different out of nowhere and slowly drifted away. Thinking there is a way to get her back is a trap, you need to pry it out of your mind. The more you torture yourself over it the more you will do stuff like break NC, and be at all the places she is at the same time. When she tells you what is going on with her life, she is testing you to see if you will pay attention. I myself was tempted to break NC with my ex before the people on this board slapped me back into reality.

When you stay NC, you give her time to think over her sudden "change of heart" while you just stay strong and continue on with your life. One day she will realize she did a bad move. The first two weeks of being apart are the hardest, I find exercise is a major helper. Your and her chemicals are all mixed up in your body, sweat it out!

 

I've built my life around the idea of this relationship, from appliances to a dog.

 

I made the same mistake once. Never build your own life around a relationship. Because when the other 50% is gone you are actually left with nothing. It also doesn't help when you say "yes" to everything she wants/does.

Look on the bright side. You totally have the freedom to do whatever you want now. Remember how you felt when you were single and free. Don't let her put you in some emotional straightjacket.

I find it bad how she just slowly dropped communicating over time with you. Guess she couldn't tell you straight out what the problem was. It shows how much she cared for the relationship, and when you open your eyes to this you will have the strength to carry on. If she really cared she would have been more straight-up and not passive about it. Normally when I get into a situation like this I dump the girl for being so incommunicative, otherwise if you sit back, there's no reason why she won't dump you first. She is already being very shady and indecisive with you. If you cut off all communication with her you will end up bugging her crazy and turn the tables on the situation... show her you don't need her to have a happy life.

[EricaH329]

I know this is a very hard, and confusing time for you. You've come to the right place to talk about it!

 

As much as you love her, do you really want to be with a person who is unsure about being with you? Her hesitation was only normal. It's hard to break yourself away from something you are so comfortable with. It's scary for her to come to the realization that she doesn't want that life anymore, and it's only natural for her to doubt her decision. However, she's made her choice. And at this point, all there is left to do is move on.

 

I know it's hard for you right now. You feel as though you don't know who you are anymore. You don't know what your future holds, since you've only known a future with her for as long as you could remember. You don't know who you are as an individual at this point either. She was your other half, and now that she's gone, she has taken a part of you with her. Does any of this sound familiar? I went through it also.

 

I thought I was never going to become normal again. I didn't know what direction I wanted my life to go in, or who I wanted to become. Everything seemed so dreary and helpless. But let me tell you something. Looking back on it now, I think it was the best thing that's ever happened to me. I was able to turn my life into something I wanted. It's almost like moving to a new area. You can be whoever you want to be, and no one will know any better.

 

You have the ability now to better yourself. To fill in the missing pieces. You can change. And while that may seem scary right now, it's SO worth it if you take advantage of it.

 

I can honestly say i'm the best person now that I have ever been before. I took a good, hard look at myself and asked myself who did I want to become. I figured it out, and made it happen. I also took that time to realize I wanted to travel and make a stable career for myself. Both of those things has also happened.

 

It IS possible to be happy without her. I promise. It may not seem like it right now, but after you've done a sufficient amount of grieving, and that time has come to move on... you'll have a better idea of who you want to be and where you want to go. And you can do it all by yourself. Which, in turn, leads to self respect and a love for yourself that you never knew to be possible.

 

That's not even the best part. The best part is that you get to rely on the one person who will never let you down. Yourself.

 

Sorry, i've started to ramble I just remember exactly how I felt when I was in your position. Try to remain optimistic, and whenever you feel REALLY down, push yourself to become stronger. Make yourself into the person you want to be from this point on. This will be a blessing, if you allow it to be.

 

I'm sorry for your pain

[HeavenOrHell]

I couldn't read your post as it has no paragraphs, sorry

I wish you well though.

 

Moderator note: Though I saw and fixed this proactively, we invite members to alert on posts with such lack of paragraphs so a moderator can edit and advise the poster appropriately. It is appreciated.

Edited May 12, 2012 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[lostcommunication]

Thank you all for your kind words and advice. I'm trying hard to not think of the what ifs or the whys, but sitting alone on a Saturday morning left me with nothing else to do. All she really left me with was she doesn't know where she will be in a month, or a year and she loves me. I have read a few other posts where I should ask for clarity from her, but then that would break the NC.

 

Also, I apologize about the lack of paragraphs.. I wrote it out in notepad and copy/pasted it over after re-reading it a few times.

[EricaH329]

Thank you all for your kind words and advice. I'm trying hard to not think of the what ifs or the whys, but sitting alone on a Saturday morning left me with nothing else to do. All she really left me with was she doesn't know where she will be in a month, or a year and she loves me.

 

Who really knows where they will be in a month or a year? That's the chance we take when getting into relationship, or even just living our lives. It's what choices are made for. Personally, I think that's a horrible excuse. I know that when I love someone and want to be with them, I accept the uncertainty of our future because it's worth it.

 

I wouldn't suggest asking for clarity. I think she's made it clear enough. I can tell you are a strong person. You'll be surprised what you are capable of.

[lostcommunication]

Went out tonight with friends. Kept my mind off my pitiful life. Until I went out to the second bar. Felt myself thinking she could be acting like anyone of these "women". The idea planted in my head. I now know I'm no where ready to go out to socialize or whatever with other women. Picking up was the absolute last thing on my mind anyway. Thank god for friends or I would most likely be in jail for assault on some of the guys tonight.

[lostcommunication]

I probably shouldn't read into this but I am, and cannot help myself. After she broke NC a few days after the breakup I seen that she snooped my facebook. I didn't mind that she did, I know how she is possibly feeling (obviously wants to know what I'm up to). Then again last night I seen she snooped, this is after a week of being broken up.

 

For clarity, I haven't changed my passwords for my accounts.. I didn't really see the need for it. So she's physically been on the account, rather than just looking at the page. I hate bringing facebook up.. it seems so trivial.

 

We haven't had much more than a week ever in the relationship where there wasn't any communication. I could guess why she is doing it, but I would just be messing with my own head. I've had to speak to her father to figure out some administrative issues after the breakup, stuff being returned, joint account being closed and an issue with a phone. Her dad was one of the first to help me when we started to have problems.

 

I feel like she's second guessing herself now that I haven't talked to her in what seems to be an eternity for me.

[esteem-jam]

How do you know she used your FB account?

 

Unless you have other acc and friended yourself and seen that original you appeared online in chat... but that is unlikely this way, so how?

[lostcommunication]

you can view it in account settings>security>active sessions