"If it's meant to be it will happen" doesn't mean give up and not try!

[unreal]

Why is it that you hear this same speech over and over again during a breakup, separation, time apart, etc.? What is wrong with people nowadays? No one wants to work on things. They just think that they don't have to try for anything or work through problems and somehow some higher power will force their soulmate into their lap down the road. I think people nowadays misunderstand what that statement actually means. A person has more than one destiny. There is the best life, a few middle of the road lives and a really bad one. YOU have the choice to make your life to be which one you decide upon. But you have to want it and work at it for it to happen. Sure, the opportunity is there, but will you choose it or choose the other path? Sometimes your destiny can get messed up or changed because of the other person making the wrong choice. That is one thing to remember, although your heart hurts right now, you may not be to blame for it. It could be your mistake or your ex partner's mistake that changes things. And it could be the worst destiny that you avoided or it could be your best destiny that was ruined. You will never know unless you TRY and go with your heart. If you believe it, you should work for it!

[sweetie7]

OMG this has been bothering me a wicked lot lately as well!!! If this statemtn were true, I would just sit here and if it were meant to me, my life would be perfect. Yeah right! You don't get anywhere in life without working on things. How can things just happen? I say, if you try your best, communicate to the best of your ability, and work your hardest and it still doesn't work then maybe it wasn't meant to be. But if you sit around repeating this thing to yourself without putting in any effort for what you want, you'll never know if it was meant to be. Thank you for saying exactly how I feel!! haha

[Apollo432]

I believe a lot of people on this board have tried (including myself) to go after what we want there by choosing our oun destiny.

 

However if that person is not receptive and you push them further away it may be time to back off.

 

I believe that in some cases on this board (including my own) it was the other person who did not want to work things out or didnt communicate when they should have.

 

I know the things that I did wrong. not once did she bring up the fact that she felt that I was smothering her. It would have been that easy. She was just the type of individual that could not communicate and eventually it ruined what we had.

 

I think what you are talking about is true for awhile but if the other person goes on w/o being receptive it can damage the relationship even more.

 

Any thoughts?

[unreal]

Originally posted by bmang11

I believe a lot of people on this board have tried (including myself) to go after what we want there by choosing our oun destiny.

 

However if that person is not receptive and you push them further away it may be time to back off.

 

I believe that in some cases on this board (including my own) it was the other person who did not want to work things out or didnt communicate when they should have.

 

I know the things that I did wrong. not once did she bring up the fact that she felt that I was smothering her. It would have been that easy. She was just the type of individual that could not communicate and eventually it ruined what we had.

 

I think what you are talking about is true for awhile but if the other person goes on w/o being receptive it can damage the relationship even more.

 

Any thoughts?

 

No, my point is that most people just do not want to work on things. When times are good, times are good. But when times get bad, most people decide to run away and brainwash themselves into believing that it just wasn't meant to be. That is crap! How does a person know if they don't try? Everyone wants instant gratification nowadays. Hell, how do most people who have been married 30, 40, 50 years make it? They work on it through the good times and the bad times. No one is perfect and people make mistakes. People also can get misunderstood. This wasn't directed at you or anyone particularly on this board. This is just an observation of mine in today's society along with my own personal experiences as well.

[woodstok]

I think you said it perfectly, i just had a recent break up and it kills me and makes me ill when everyone around is saying "oh just let her be, if its meant to be she will come back" bulls**t, i believe like you, sure if its meant to be we will be back together but i also cant just let it happen on its own i have to try to make it happen. Otherwise i would be sitting in my house waiting for that knock that will never come unless i act on my behalf. I believe in God sure and things do happen for a reason, but God cant do everything for us, we also have to put forth our effort and like the saying goes "nothing ventured, nothing gained", i continue to talk to my ex not all the time but maybe once twice a week, and we are friends and i hate the no contact rule either thats all crap, if i completely avoid her she will forget me or vice versa, you have to have limited contact a first sure, but that contact is what could bring us back together. She dumped me, she is with another guy now, and everyone expects me to completly avoid her, but i believe love conquers all, and at the same time i am not putting my life on hold for her either, i am going out, meeting people, but always keeping hope. Plus one never knows i may meet somone and totally move on, but at least i can say i never gave up. I love like no other, my love is so strong for her and i think love forigves everything, when you love someone so strongly you can look past the crap they have done and forgive, if you can't do that then you dont love at all. Anyways just my opinion and words, i will try and take it easy but non the less i will try and not sit on my ass waiting for a miracle that wont come on its own. So for all you out there, do your thing, ultimatly it is your decision what you do, sure listen to advice from others but do what you feel is in your heart, do what is right for you, regardless of others, because when it comes down to it, its you and only you in your world.....

[unreal]

Ok, let me give you an example of why it is bull****. My girlfriend left me when we were both 19 years old after dating for 2 1/2 years together. She got engaged to be married to another guy only two months later and married him. We didn't speak for 6 years and she came back to me and left her husband because she felt she messed up and she truly loved me and always wanted me. She told me that I was her soulmate. Well needless to say, she left me again and this time out of the blue. No reason or anything. Nothing! All this after we were talking about marriage and living together 3 weeks before. So, was it meant to be? She came back right? But she didn't want to work on things and gave me no reason other than something wasn't right. Whatever that meant for sure, I don't know?

[dreamguy]

bmang11

I know the things that I did wrong. not once did she bring up the fact that she felt that I was smothering her. It would have been that easy. She was just the type of individual that could not communicate and eventually it ruined what we had.

I think what you are talking about is true for awhile but if the other person goes on w/o being receptive it can damage the relationship even more.

Agreed. When you try and the other person is not receptive then you have to understand that there's a limit even to "trying". This is when you have to stop. There's an optimal point and, once you reach it, trying becomes bad.

Yes you should work for it but you should not cast aside your pride for it. Because one thing is for sure, once you give up all your pride then you are never fully getting it back from that ex and they will never be able to respect you again (as they did when they first met you). Without respect there can be no real love.

 

I can add to this, from my personal experience, that I did try to work things out when my ex broke up with me.

I even visited her to talk things over and all she could say was "I don't know, I'm not sure, I need some time on my own...". I wanted her to be the one to call me but she never did. One day, about 20 (or so) days ago I stopped all contact. My wish was granted !! She called this past Monday.

[Apollo432]

So what happened? You said she called? Did things go well?

 

As for my post earlier I did not mean to sound like I was defending anyone or telling anyone they were wrong. I totally understand what is being said. I wish I knew why she did nt want to try and work through things. I feel like she just gave up and is using this other guy to fill the void of me not being around.

 

I cant hurt my pride anymore. She has contacted me but seems real distant and its almost like I dont know her anymore. I am starting to think that it is her loss and that this is just the way she is (afraid of commitment) I dont need anyone like that in my life. I gave so much in the relationshipand she threw it all away so she could go and find herself.

 

I think we do need to go after what we want. I also think that if our feelings are not reciprocated we must move on. If it is meant to be it will work out. there are other people out ther that will be willing to work through things.

[dreamguy]

So what happened? You said she called? Did things go well?

Things went pretty well (according to my expectations).

This is taken from a post of mine:

Exactly 3 weeks and 1 day after I initiated the no contact process (and God knows how many times I almost failed and I was dying to contact her) she contacted me today ! To be honest, I had almost lost all hope that she would ever call again. I was getting ready to move on with my own life.

So I answered and I just acted cool (not too cool by sounding enthusiastic and eager otherwise it would be obvious I'm playing a game). YOU DON'T WANT YOUR EX TO KNOW YOU'RE PLAYING IT COOL WHEN THEY CALL YOU. YOUR WORDS, YOUR TONE OF VOICE, YOUR CONTROLLED DETACHMENT AND ALOOFNESS MUST ALL MAKE HER/HIM FEEL THAT YOU'RE REALLY SINCERELY PLAIN NEUTRAL.

That's exactly what I did when she asked how I was, I said I'm fine... we talked for a few seconds about the summer and the beach... blablabla. Then she said "I'm free during week days" as to hint that I should ask her out. I didn't !! Remember she must ask to see you and even when she does (depending on how much you can hold yourself) you can decline by saying "I'm sorry but I already have plans on that particular day" and then calmly propose another day during the week. If she accepts, so be it... if she doesn't then he or she will probably call you later on to make other plans.

So I told her: "That's great but I gotta get going. I'm a bit in a hurry as I promised my friends to meet them at this birthday party my friend is having." Then I said "it was nice talking to you ... see ya" and I hung up. The reason I said "it was nice talking to you" was to confuse the hell out of her !! To send her mixed signals just like she used to do to me. I want her to start thinking "If he was happy to talk to me then why did he hang up so fast !!". Tables are starting to turn. Even if I never get that girl back, I got my pride back and it feels so self-satisfying !!

I can assure you that she didn't like my attitude but that's what I wanted. To stir up her weak emotions. Do you know why she disliked my answer and behavior ? Because IT MADE HER LOSE CONTROL for the first time in weeks !! She felt the power was starting to shift to my side again and she sure didn't like it !!

I can only tell you it's a GREAT feeling when you feel the power filling you up after weeks and months of despair and hopelessness !! IT FEELS F******* AWESOME !! It pays off !!

Next she called 3 days later. I didn't answer as I was taking a shower. I didn't call her back. 3 hours later she called again ! We talked, only this time I was a bit more playful (not chasing her but telling a few jokes here and there) and although she was laughing I could almost feel the tension building up as she was waiting for me to ask her out. I simply didn't.

Like I said: she broke up with me and, if she wants to see me, she will have to ask for it.

What if she doesn't, you say ? Well if she doesn't do that very soon then I'm gonna be going out with a few other girls I really like. Yes I love my ex but I love my life and my pride and my happiness more !! Call me selfish if you want but at least I wasn't the one who turned my back on the relationship ! And you can be sure I didn't do anything to cause her decision to take some time alone.

I know it's harder for some persons out there to pretend they never met their ex and start going out with others. But believe me, it's all in your personality and in your mind.

Let me give you an example: say you meet this nice (cute but not gorgeous) girl and you're unsure whether or not you should ask her out. Then the next day, your friend tells you that she was Miss Illinois (for example) and she was crowned prom queen... etc... wouldn't that increase your desires to ask her out ? you'd think "Wow ! That's a sure catch !" although, in your eyes, she is still physically the exact same person, in your mind she has become more valuable all of a sudden !

So here's what I do (might sound pathetic but it will get you off the hook): I think to myself that my ex was the worst date I ever had. I start highlighting all the bad aspects in the way she looks and in her personality. And since no one is perfect, you'll certainly find something to criticize about her (once you've been apart for a few weeks or months).

 

I think we do need to go after what we want.

True, so ask yourself if she is the one you REALLY want or you are just chasing her because she bruised your feelings and crushed your pride. Be honest in your answer !

[Apollo432]

Sure my pride is hurt. It has been hurt before and I thought I learned this lesson the first time. I do still love her but, I dont know if she has been completly honest with me.

 

When we started to have problems I did try to hard. I think I pused her away a bit and I do regret that but, that was my point. I did everything I could have done and said everything I could say. In the beginning she said she felt positive about taking some space that she loved me ect. That went on for about 2 weeks and then I hear she is "talking" to someone else.

 

That ruined me. After that she has emailed me a couple of times (we work together. Which makes it even harder). But, it was just small talk.

 

I know she is talking to this guy at all the times that we used to talk. It makes me feel I dont even know who she is or that she never cared about me. I mean how can you start talking to someone a week after you end a 1 yr relationship.

 

I feel the same way you do. I want to regain some control and go from there. I dont know if this woman has ever really had her heart broken? That disturbs me. I honestly still love her with all my heart even after the way I have been treated.

 

I wish she would call so I could get the opportunity you had I think I would feel a lot better about the situation.

 

I just cant believe she moved on so fast. She says that they are just "talking" but, I think that is BS. Just like when she told me she loved me and thought that we would be together in the end but, she need her space.

 

I will never understand women, I am continuing the no contact thing b/c it makes me feel like I have some control. I couldnt even think about seeing someone else right now.

 

I applaud you confidence on the phone with her. If she made the break she needs to suck it up and tell her how you feel and risk getting rejected. I am sure you did the same thing.

[dreamguy]

"I applaud you confidence on the phone with her. If she made the break she needs to suck it up and tell her how you feel and risk getting rejected. I am sure you did the same thing."

I'm not sure it's about my confidence in this particular case. I think it's more about my desire to live ! To be happy ! And to survive.

Don't let my confidence (when I was talking to her on the phone) fool you into thinking I'm a heartless guy. I'm not. I MISS HER LIKE CRAZY EVERY DAY ! I miss her nice smell, her kisses, the look in her eyes, her touch, her laughter, her irritatingly smart character ! I miss everything about her !

The reason why I'm playing it cool (even when boiling underneath the surface) is because I want to know if she misses me in the same way, with the same strength ! I can't just ask her "do you miss me ?". I want her to say it, to say "God I missed you !"

The thing is, she knows how I feel. We even talked about getting engaged and eventually married. She was the first one to say "I love you" on the first night she requested a break. She called me that same night, 1 hour after I dropped her home and she said "I don't want to lose you, I think I love you..." then a couple of minutes later, as we were still talking she said "No, I do Love you and you know I want to be with you". I didn't respond to all those statements at all that night. I don't believe in telling in a person "I love you too" as soon as they say "I love you". I have to feel it to say it ! So I kept silent and she asked "don't you want to say anything" to which I replied "I need more time to think about all this, for God's sake it's only been 1 hour since you asked for a break ! What do you expect ?".

 

I wish she would call so I could get the opportunity you had I think I would feel a lot better about the situation.

The way I see it... she could call me everyday just to chat about everything and anything without showing her feelings, I would still feel as empty as ever. You see, It's not about the call. It's about what she says and how she talks when/if she calls. Sometimes I wish she hadn't called ! I would be much better today, I would be closer to accepting reality, I would be resigned to acknowledge she is gone.

[faux]

I think that, from my own personal experiences, that working on a relationship that is already over is a horrible idea. If someone ends a relationship with me, I can still express that I am interested, but it is time for me to back off. If they ended the relationship, they do not want to work on anything and I need to respect their boundaries.

 

If I were to keep trying to "fix" things, or get the person back, as a male I would undoubtedly run into a TRO, some Police visitations, and calls from detectives. It just isn't worth it in today's world. If someone says "Bye", then I'll let them know I still care, and walk away promptly. The decision is not left up to me.

 

Trying to fix things scares me. Of course, when you are dating someone it is usually fine to leave them little notes here and there. If they've broken up with you however, a cute little note would probably be interpreted as a psycho-stalker gesture. Feelings can and do change rather quickly, and communication always seems to be a huge issue in these situations.

[woodstok]

Thats is why so many people never truely know what love is. Give up? Walk away? Then i guess you never really loved the other person either and in a way your glad they dumped you. Just because someone breaks up with you does not mean they want nothing to do with you, in some cases they do it to make you realize some things. I also believe some even want to test you and see how much you will fight for the love you had although that is somewhat of a screwed up mind game, but hey. Look i may have been dumped, but i know there is still love there and i would be a fool to walk away from it and not try and fight, i mean i am not like all over my ex, hell no, and in no way am i stalking or even communicating with her daily, thats a no no, but when we do talk or even say hi through text messaging i let her know i love her, and i hope she is doing well without begging for her back, or telling her all kinds of sappy stuff, the point is she knows without me telling her how i feel and even though i know it may back fire, at least i tried, who wants to walk away and say f**k it, without trying......if you are not willing to risk it all then you never truely loved at all.......if you love someone deeply and they walk away, then i believe you must fight, at the same time my life is not on hold for her, i know the worst may come out of it and i am prepared for the worst but i also know the best could come out of it, but either way i am still looking forward without regret.....

[unreal]

Originally posted by woodstok

Thats is why so many people never truely know what love is. Give up? Walk away? Then i guess you never really loved the other person either and in a way your glad they dumped you. Just because someone breaks up with you does not mean they want nothing to do with you, in some cases they do it to make you realize some things. I also believe some even want to test you and see how much you will fight for the love you had although that is somewhat of a screwed up mind game, but hey. Look i may have been dumped, but i know there is still love there and i would be a fool to walk away from it and not try and fight, i mean i am not like all over my ex, hell no, and in no way am i stalking or even communicating with her daily, thats a no no, but when we do talk or even say hi through text messaging i let her know i love her, and i hope she is doing well without begging for her back, or telling her all kinds of sappy stuff, the point is she knows without me telling her how i feel and even though i know it may back fire, at least i tried, who wants to walk away and say f**k it, without trying......if you are not willing to risk it all then you never truely loved at all.......if you love someone deeply and they walk away, then i believe you must fight, at the same time my life is not on hold for her, i know the worst may come out of it and i am prepared for the worst but i also know the best could come out of it, but either way i am still looking forward without regret.....

 

I agree with you! I think you need to try at least in the beginning. But after awhile, if you are not getting anywhere, it is time to give up and move on.

[Apollo432]

I dont want anyone to think that I dodnt fight for this. I have never been so humbled in my life. But, when she said she needed space I freaked and thats when I told her I wanted to get through this together.

 

She wouldnt have it and I began to think there were more reasons than she was telling me, sure enough there is someone else. I dont know how serious it is but it hurts like hell.

 

I know that she has some issues that she needs to work out by herself. But, when she gives me the lame I need space excuse and that I need to be by myself for awhile and hear that she is talking to someone else.....WELL THAT JUST AINT RIGHT. I cannot believe I still even think about her after that.

 

So I fought for what I thought was the right thing and it didnt work out. I know now that she isnt the person who I thought she was and can only hope that she does take her time to sort through her feelings before she winds up in a hole she cannot dig herself out of.

 

I understand what you said about being better off if she doesnt call. I feel the same way. If she called and just wanted to chit chat I dont think I could deal.

 

I have never been in a relationship that felt so right before, it just scares me thinking about letting it happen all over again. From now on I will keep my eyes open a lot more so I can see these signs before it comes to this.

 

I have 2 ex's that I still am in contact with. Its funny how long it took to be able to do that. This woman messed me up pretty bad. I know that I need to heal "alone" so I dont bring this baggage into my next relationship which is what I believe she is doing.

 

I have no idea how people can just move on that quick like nothing happened? Do they think about the relationship or are they over it that soon?

[meanttolive4ever]

my ex said he was gonna break up with me before he moved to see how strong i would be without him...well he did. and i showed him how strong i was...but he still hasnt contacted me in a month. i think im going to just try to not want to talk to him for like 3 months or more. See if he ends up calling me or something.

[anotherperson]

Originally posted by unreal

No, my point is that most people just do not want to work on things. When times are good, times are good. But when times get bad, most people decide to run away and brainwash themselves into believing that it just wasn't meant to be. That is crap! How does a person know if they don't try? Everyone wants instant gratification nowadays. Hell, how do most people who have been married 30, 40, 50 years make it? They work on it through the good times and the bad times. No one is perfect and people make mistakes. People also can get misunderstood. This wasn't directed at you or anyone particularly on this board. This is just an observation of mine in today's society along with my own personal experiences as well.

 

I completely agree with you.

[danny8630]

heh, i have a couple opinions about that famous line:

 

1)it could be kind of true and a break up/separation would tell the destiny if "it was meant to happen". But it leaves the dumpee in the ocean floating around waiting for the boat to return. And sadly, there is no time frame to tell.

 

2)or, i think it may just be an easy way out for the person who's doing the dumping. I was told "if it was meant to be" and I think its this reason that it is just the easy way out so the person doesnt feel bad.

 

In the first couple weeks of our break up...i thought "hey maybe she'll realize". but its been almost a month and that thought of hope is slipping away. we still contact and i love her to death. I'm just trying to live life one day at a time...

 

 

"If not now? When?"