Gemster Posted May 12, 2012 Posted May 12, 2012 I was out with some of my girlfriends last night (trying to keep my mind off the fact I knew my ex was going out on a date...bleh...long story that I won't bore you with). So anyway, we started talking about the fact that it's time for me to move on (easier said than done!) and start dating again. And of course they started giving me "tips" LOL Their first criticism of my last relationship was that I was "too available" for him. And then they brought up The Rules. In a nutshell, it sounds like playing games to me...don't call him back right away, don't always be availble for a date, don't see him more than once or twice a week, etc. To me, this sounds more like playing games....which I have never been into. Yes, maybe I WAS too available for him, but I loved him so much I wanted to please him and do everything I could to make him happy....is this wrong??? What are your thoughts on The Rules?
d'Arthez Posted May 12, 2012 Posted May 12, 2012 Do what you feel is right. Don't drop your life for a love interest. And don't try to become your love interest's life. "The Rules" are complete nonsense. Enjoy them if you want to date in kindergarten. In real life, they are completely counterproductive. Unless that is what you aspire to ...
NeverDated Posted May 12, 2012 Posted May 12, 2012 What are your thoughts on The Rules? Seems to me, a lot of people are taking what should be a given for a healthy individual and turning it into a set of rules and regulations for dating. You shouldn't "play" at being unavailable - you just should be unavailable. You should have work, or other friends, or family commitments, or an appointment to get your hair or nails done, or something you have to do around the house. One of the most destructive things I see in my friends is they allow a guy (or girl, in some cases) to control their schedule. They put off friends, schoolwork, employment work, even something as simple as housework to go out with someone. It's appropriate every now and then, but the trouble comes in when your life begins to revolve around the pursuit of that person. My point is, don't look at them as "rules" for a "game". Look at them as "rules" for how to live a healthy life. You do have other things you could be doing, and your direct obligations are a priority in your life. Maybe that doesn't apply to you, but since your girlfriends are giving you that advice, I'm going to guess you shifted focus from your life to your ex during the relationship. 1
Radu Posted May 12, 2012 Posted May 12, 2012 They are written by a bunch of aging feminists. I read them, to know what to look for. Most of the stuff there i consider game playing and mind games, which i don't bother with.
KathyM Posted May 12, 2012 Posted May 12, 2012 I don't think playing games is a good idea. It's phony, and I don't think it encourages interest in a man. On the other hand, being too needy and centering your life solely around this guy is not healthy either, and neediness is also a turn off. You need to have balance in your life and other friends and interests that take some of your time, which would mean that you aren't spending every minute of your day centered around the relationship with him. Guys like it when a woman is independent and has a life of her own, and is not overly invested in the relationship. Therefore, the answer is, don't play games, but do have a life that is not centered solely around the guy. Do have other interests that you are involved in, which makes you a more interesting partner.
Desensitized Posted May 12, 2012 Posted May 12, 2012 "The Rules" are for people who feel they have to play games. These people will never find a quality person because they themselves are not a quality person.
Andy_K Posted May 12, 2012 Posted May 12, 2012 The Rules is more or less the female equivalent of David D's 'Double your Dating', in the sense that there are some sound principles behind the instructions, but really the aim of the game is to develop a personality and lifestyle that incorporates these underlying principles. Be a fun, outgoing person who is not needy, shy, insecure, emotionally retarded, and so forth. The rules are just examples, training wheels, ways to give concrete examples of how to not be needy, insecure, shy, etc to guys and girls whose psychy is so far removed from a socially savvy one, that they simply wouldn't have a clue how or why to act in accordance with the underlying principles without them. Some of the rules are better than others, but if you read DYD or 'The Rules', and the message you take away from it is 'the book says I should always do this', then you're missing the point. 1
OpenBook Posted May 12, 2012 Posted May 12, 2012 Yes, maybe I WAS too available for him, but I loved him so much I wanted to please him and do everything I could to make him happy....is this wrong??? No, it's not wrong - just ineffective when dating. MEN ENJOY THE HUNT - it's hardwired into them. Never underestimate the importance of this principle. That, and first impressions - your behavior in the beginning of a relationship with a man, sets the tone (i.e., dictates how he will treat you) for the rest of the relationship. IMO There are a lot of truths in The Rules, and they describe a very effective way for a woman to interact with men in the romantic arena. Like everything else, though, it's probably best to take them with a grain of salt / separate the wheat from the chaff. For example, "Seldom return their calls" - that sounds a little rude to me - but you don't have to call them back right away. The point of this - to actually have a full life built for yourself, with or without him - is more important than the method endorsed.
Andy_K Posted May 12, 2012 Posted May 12, 2012 Actually, thinking about it there is one difference between 'The Rules' and 'Double Your Dating'. David DeAngelo actively encourages guys to understand the principles behind his teaching and embark on whatever path is necessary to become a better man. Fein and Schneider on the other hand, don't credit their audience with that much intelligence, (or lack it themselves) and simple say that you absolutely must follow every rule, without exception, until you have a ring on your finger. 1
Radu Posted May 12, 2012 Posted May 12, 2012 Actually, thinking about it there is one difference between 'The Rules' and 'Double Your Dating'. David DeAngelo actively encourages guys to understand the principles behind his teaching and embark on whatever path is necessary to become a better man. Fein and Schneider on the other hand, don't credit their audience with that much intelligence, (or lack it themselves) and simple say that you absolutely must follow every rule, without exception, until you have a ring on your finger. I watched David's DVD's, they are very good. The guy has charisma and presence, you do notice him. Kinda expensive though, i wouldn't recommend to anyone to pay for them ... but in his stage presentation he actually referenced a ton of very good books and most of them have nothing to do with dating women.
Fondue Posted May 12, 2012 Posted May 12, 2012 I spot game playing pretty well. If someone was to enforce "The Rules" on me, I'd notice right away-- and naturally, dump that person without even thinking about it. I wouldn't even tell them why I'm getting rid of them either, let them try and figure it out themselves. If you have to resort to playing games, then you're not someone I want to associate with. Hopefully other men don't fall for this kind of thing either. Speaking of the authors, I thought I read somewhere that the writers actually are not married or have been divorced before, or something similar? I dunno where I read that, but I could have sworn I did. Must be nice to know the authors of a guide failed at what they intended to teach you about...
Emilia Posted May 12, 2012 Posted May 12, 2012 Their first criticism of my last relationship was that I was "too available" for him. And then they brought up The Rules. In a nutshell, it sounds like playing games to me...don't call him back right away, don't always be availble for a date, don't see him more than once or twice a week, etc. To me, this sounds more like playing games....which I have never been into. Some valuable observation from your friends there. You are much better off as a person if you have your own life and interests. It makes you more stimulating to have around long term for a guy that appreciates that kind of thing. Game playing is stupid though however, your friends were wrong giving you that advice. You need to find the kind of guy that appreciates you and that's much harder than playing games - plus sometimes you have to face uncomfortable truths about yourself when you are being yourself. This is why insecure people resort to playing games. Yes, maybe I WAS too available for him, but I loved him so much I wanted to please him and do everything I could to make him happy....is this wrong??? What are your thoughts on The Rules? I think in general it's probably best to be independent and not smother the other person. The Rules is not the right way to go for reasons others here have pointed out.
NeverDated Posted May 12, 2012 Posted May 12, 2012 I spot game playing pretty well. If someone was to enforce "The Rules" on me, I'd notice right away-- and naturally, dump that person without even thinking about it. I wouldn't even tell them why I'm getting rid of them either, let them try and figure it out themselves. If you have to resort to playing games, then you're not someone I want to associate with. ^^ This Games are silly and contrived, and most sane people can spot them a mile away. You need to get to a point where you can say, "Sorry, can't tonight, I'm really behind on [whatever]." That's not playing a game, but sending a clear signal that you are your priority and you're not the type of desperate, lonely girl who will drop everything for his affection/attention. That also weeds out the guys who just want a quick fix. I had one guy (OLD) kind of mock me for rejecting a last-minute date because I had laundry to do. I have four kids - laundry waits for no man. The fact that he thought it was "lame" showed me we were at different places in our lives and it wasn't even worth the time.
veggirl Posted May 12, 2012 Posted May 12, 2012 How long were you together? How often did you hang out? Did you break other plans to see him? Did you keep your own life or drop it for him? I agree a bit with your friends, I do not think it's a good idea to jump in straight off the bat and start hanging out 5x a day, etc. I think you need to consciously keep a balance, esp at the beginning or you super risk a burn out situation that burns bright and hot and heavy at first and then fizzles shortly after. 2 or 3x per week sounds like a good amount of time to spend together to me. I don't agree with purposely avoiding calls, but your life should naturally have other components in it that keep you from being available 24/7. If it doesn't, you are going to become immediately too attached, too clingy, etc.
El Brujo Posted May 12, 2012 Posted May 12, 2012 The Rules were made up by a small number of people who believed their way was the ONLY way.
Nistan Posted May 12, 2012 Posted May 12, 2012 I haven't read the rules. But it's better for most people to have some sort of dating strategy. Most people aren't that socialy competent as they seem to believe that they are.
Author Gemster Posted May 12, 2012 Author Posted May 12, 2012 Thank you all for your input....I learned a lot. First of all, yes, I realize that I need to get more balance in my life...I do tend to center everything around my mate, and in hindsight I can see why guys always take me for granted. And I did some research and I agree, The Rules do have some valid points...not necessarily something I would stick to everything they say, but they do say not to be too needy. This is a new journey for me...I want my next relationship to be a healthy, balanced one, so I do need to make some changes.
SJC2008 Posted May 13, 2012 Posted May 13, 2012 Acting busy and taking forever to return a calls, being a "bitch"/"jerk" is bs games and is used to market books and literatue to men and women who struggle in dating/r's. I'll make it easy. Don't be a people pleaser/doormat. This goes for all aspects of life. If you have something to do, do it. Don't cancel it for him or her. Now communicate to him or her and tell them what about this day or so and so ya know? Now I'm not saying turn down a spontaneous last minute road trip to the casino! But you get the point. Don't be afraid to say no to something, have a backbone (not saying you don't). Basically don't be at his/her beck and call, that's all. When you are a doormat/ at someones beck and call it devalues you to the other person. It may not even be on a conscious level, I personally think it's on a subconscious level. Also, every man/woman is obviously different but I like a woman who likes to plan things too (after the courting process), don't be afraid to suggest things to do! 1
sid3 Posted May 13, 2012 Posted May 13, 2012 Acting busy and taking forever to return a calls, being a "bitch"/"jerk" is bs games and is used to market books and literatue to men and women who struggle in dating/r's. I'll make it easy. Don't be a people pleaser/doormat. This goes for all aspects of life. If you have something to do, do it. Don't cancel it for him or her. Now communicate to him or her and tell them what about this day or so and so ya know? Now I'm not saying turn down a spontaneous last minute road trip to the casino! But you get the point. Don't be afraid to say no to something, have a backbone (not saying you don't). Basically don't be at his/her beck and call, that's all. When you are a doormat/ at someones beck and call it devalues you to the other person. It may not even be on a conscious level, I personally think it's on a subconscious level. Also, every man/woman is obviously different but I like a woman who likes to plan things too (after the courting process), don't be afraid to suggest things to do! Did you reschedule SJC? Maybe she was following the rules.
SJC2008 Posted May 13, 2012 Posted May 13, 2012 Did you reschedule SJC? Maybe she was following the rules. LOl I wished you live in my area we could grab a few brews. Well I teased her a little about switching it from what I suggested to a happy hour meeting and she lauhed and said she's down for whatever so I told her I'd be in touch. I didn't want to be like ok what aobut xyz days ya know? So I'll call her on monday. By her banter and response times I'd say she's legit as of right now.
sid3 Posted May 13, 2012 Posted May 13, 2012 Yeah a few brews, maybe a few shots too! Cool that she's up for happy hour. I must say, OLD seems like an awful lot of work. +1 for making the effort.
SJC2008 Posted May 13, 2012 Posted May 13, 2012 Yeah a few brews, maybe a few shots too! Cool that she's up for happy hour. I must say, OLD seems like an awful lot of work. +1 for making the effort. Yeah what's funny is, is that every time I'm ready to throw in the towel with OLD a woman responds lol. It's like a black hole, just keeps sucking you back in. Another lady responded to a message too so I won't worry about the other one too much now if she does indeed flake. There are serious women out there who aren't about shopping for the BBD, you just gotta find one!!!
unevenXchange Posted May 13, 2012 Posted May 13, 2012 Rules-type books IMO aren't bad in and of themselves. However, people who feel the need to follow these books to the letter, don't have confidence in their own natural swagger... IMO these individuals are a bit socially awkawrd and possibly anti-social to the point of not knowing what's appropriate, cool for THEM, and possibly overly concerned with what other people think about them. My 2¢
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