I can't be with a guy that is younger than 30!

[NeverDated]

No one has glossed over anything in the thread other than OP's actual post(s). OP asks whether she is an older dude magnet, and why guys her own age don't approach her. This has nothing to do with predation, abuse, or most of the reactive posts in this thread. Without looking back and rereading the thread, I'm one of if not the only poster here who actually tried to ANSWER her OP and suggest an idea where she could meet men her own age instead of preach stranger danger BS at her.

 

If she feels damaged or abused in some way, she is certainly capable of expressing it. She didn't, hasn't, her posts don't reflect it, and that makes lots of agenda in this thread transparent.

I have read the whole thread and also answered the question, as did Elswyth and kaylan.

 

She attracts older men because that is her model. She herself has yet to identify the behavior that causes this. She has expectations of how a man treats a woman and how a woman presents herself to a man. These expectations can only be fulfilled by men of a certain demographic. That's why she has difficulty with men her own age - they are incapable of providing the expected male behavior.

 

This really isn't any different than the effects of the father/mother dynamic on girls not engaged in a relationship. During teen years, you act out your model, so, by and large, an adult women will present herself to men much the same way her mother presented herself to the father. Girls with fathers who were abusive toward their mother tend to replay that in their own relationships. Likewise, girls with fathers who spoiled their mother will seek the same. In this case, the OP had her own relationship to model future behavior, rather than replaying her mother's role.

[DuchessKaye]

I have read the whole thread and also answered the question, as did Elswyth and kaylan.

 

She attracts older men because that is her model. She herself has yet to identify the behavior that causes this. She has expectations of how a man treats a woman and how a woman presents herself to a man. These expectations can only be fulfilled by men of a certain demographic. That's why she has difficulty with men her own age - they are incapable of providing the expected male behavior.

 

This really isn't any different than the effects of the father/mother dynamic on girls not engaged in a relationship. During teen years, you act out your model, so, by and large, an adult women will present herself to men much the same way her mother presented herself to the father. Girls with fathers who were abusive toward their mother tend to replay that in their own relationships. Likewise, girls with fathers who spoiled their mother will seek the same. In this case, the OP had her own relationship to model future behavior, rather than replaying her mother's role.

 

I can take this... I got your point and I definitely agree...

[mtber75]

OP, how was ur relationship with ur dad? This could be some repressed issues with you relationship with ur dad thus u wanting to date much older men. Like I need the warmth or protection of a fathery figure?

 

Maybe ur circle of friends are older. U may look and act much more mature for ur age. Most guys won't give it a second though in dating a much younger women.

[DuchessKaye]

OP, how was ur relationship with ur dad? This could be some repressed issues with you relationship with ur dad thus u wanting to date much older men. Like I need the warmth or protection of a fathery figure?

 

Maybe ur circle of friends are older. U may look and act much more mature for ur age. Most guys won't give it a second though in dating a much younger women.

 

We rarely talk. Not as close as we were when I was a little girl.

Dad loved me sooo much, I'm his only daughter, all my sibs are boys, 4 boys.

He would really kill for me. But, that day that I chose my ex over him/over my family. Everything has changed.

 

My friends are my Aunts and Uncles. I have no cousins on my age. All are grown ups when I was born since my Mom was the youngest amongst her siblings that are 10 years and up older than her and so as Dad. They were both unexpected babies coz they were born when both of my grandparents were already on their late 40's.

 

I don't really get along with my former schoolmates since most of them are all easies and don't seem to grasp the sense and the concept of responsibility and not making their lives better than being dependent to their supporting parents.

 

I work online and don't really go out except on weekend dates.

So, not really much friends to go out with, just a handful of girl friends who are having and living their own lives also...

[gaius]

So its ok for adults of much greater age to have sexual feelings for young teenagers and to act on those feelings? It looks like you are saying this. Thats just creepy. How can someone take an interest in her when shes 14. Just imagine how young looking she was. The VAST majority of 14 year old girls dont even look close to being women yet.

 

And excuse me, the psychology of a horny "wants to fvk anything" teenage boy is far different from a teenage girls psychology. Do not compare the two.

I don't know how in one thread you can complain about people buying into gender roles and then in another say men and women always have their own concrete psychology. Like every girl thinks alike and every boy thinks alike.

 

It's not ok, but I've seen and heard enough to know that it's not always the big bad older person manipulating and preying on the younger one.

Uhm, okay, straight up, I personally think the reason you have only had Rs with men over 30 is a bit of a vicious cycle.

 

Your first R set the stage for all of that. I wouldn't go so far as to say you were abused, but I think you were with someone who took advantage of you. At 26, now, even IF I were to genuinely fall in love with a 14-year-old boy (I think the chances of this are pretty much null, but lets go with it for hypothetical purposes), I would not pursue the R especially if I knew his parents would kick him out because of it. And even if (this is the 3rd extremely improbable 'if' in a row) I did make the mistake of pursuing it and they kicked him out at 14, I would take care of him until he reached legal age instead of leaving him to fend for himself. That is just what decent and mature adults do. This man you were with was not such an adult.

 

Moving on from there, I think this affected all of your future relationships. Somehow, while you were at a very impressionable and naive age, you were brought to believe that this sort of relationship dynamic with this sort of man is 'okay'. That encourages the predators to come in droves. Hon, you know, and I know, what the average Caucasian expatriate who only goes after Asian girls half his age, is usually after. Even if one or two of them were genuinely in love with you for you, I do not think that would be the primary motivation for the majority of them.

 

TL;DR: I think it is the signals you send that attract such men. And young Filipino men your age, observing this, would not go after you because of it. Some of them perhaps feel, wrongly so, inferior and insecure. Others perceive you negatively because of your choices in men.

I remember we had a thread like this a while back, except there was no Duchess Kaye. All the women just gave personal experiences about how they had been creeped out by one older guy or another and his attention. I honestly don't know exactly what makes people our type, I know experiences from childhood influence that. But if one person/experience could influence our sexuality that heavily wouldn't all these other women have suffered the same fate? Stuck being attracted to older men since it's the first attention they got?

 

Perhaps there was something else that set the dynamic you were looking for Duchess, and this older guy just happened to fulfill it. So you went for him, instead of running for the hills like many of your female counterparts.

[Els]

I remember we had a thread like this a while back, except there was no Duchess Kaye. All the women just gave personal experiences about how they had been creeped out by one older guy or another and his attention. I honestly don't know exactly what makes people our type, I know experiences from childhood influence that. But if one person/experience could influence our sexuality that heavily wouldn't all these other women have suffered the same fate? Stuck being attracted to older men since it's the first attention they got?

 

No, it isn't necessarily about the attention. It's about one's reaction to it and acceptance of it. Also it's possible that the guy was not just out for easy sex, seeing as he did wait 4 years. That isn't the case for most extremely older man-younger woman pairings. It doesn't change the fact that it was likely an unhealthy dynamic borne of poor decisions on both of their parts though, and it lasted four years.

[kaylan]

@gauis

 

Just because I dont think people should follow gender roles if they dont want to, does not mean I believe male and female psychology is the same. Its not and hormones have a lot to do with that. Hormones is why most teenage boys look at sex different than most teenage girls. Gender roles have nothing to do with this convo. But nice try.

[Els]

FWIW, I also do think it would have been equally unhealthy for a 14-y-o boy to spend 4 years of his teenagehood in a R with a 36-y-o woman. I think that just isn't as stigmatized as the reverse is because it rarely happens (most 14-y-o boys are not interested in 36-y-o women, or even in being in long term relationships in the first place, and vice versa).

[6ft180natl]

You could be right... But apparently, I can take care of myself...

 

Yup sounds like you do a great job of taking care of yourself now. That probably also has something to do with why younger men don't ask you out.

I am making a lot of assumptions but you said you make a high income now as well as work at your families car dealership. I'm assuming you probably drive a fairly nice car. Most men in your age range make far far less than you so they would be more likely to look and keep moving. If they are within your social circle then there would be even less chance they would try to approach you since they are more likely to know about your ex's and income to a certain degree and can see your wealth.

 

Men work backwards from women a lot of the times. The more money a woman has the fewer men overall that will approach/try to court her. Since they know most women want men who make more than they do.

[ascendotum]

Yup sounds like you do a great job of taking care of yourself now. That probably also has something to do with why younger men don't ask you out.......

... Since they know most women want men who make more than they do.

^This posts makes a lot of sense to me.

OP, these older guys, who I assume approach you, rather than you flirting with them, (but I assume you are giving off vibes back to let them know you dont mind them chatting you up) are you automatically agreeing to go out with the first one that does this?

I wonder if you are single for long to give younger guys an opportunity to get to know you, and these older men, maybe you are meeting though your business. Plenty of young caucasion guys would love to go out with you I'm sure. I also think you are a bit rough on dismissing younger guys because you found one immature, and you are benchmarking them against your exes who were much older.

[gaius]

FWIW, I also do think it would have been equally unhealthy for a 14-y-o boy to spend 4 years of his teenagehood in a R with a 36-y-o woman. I think that just isn't as stigmatized as the reverse is because it rarely happens (most 14-y-o boys are not interested in 36-y-o women, or even in being in long term relationships in the first place, and vice versa).

Shrug, Mary Kay Laternou and her student are still married almost 20 years after they started up together. Is their relationship unhealthy? Maybe, I don't know them personally so I can't say. They sure are making it last though. Eighteen years longer than any of my “healthy” relationships have! Some of the advice here just struck me as weird, suggesting Duchess should go to therapy because she doesn't realize how abusive and manipulative her relationship was. Like that's the only possibility in the world and there is something wrong with her for not realizing it.

[Els]

There are many relationships with potentially unhealthy dynamics that have lasted a long time. Women marrying men for their money, men marrying the prostitute they met on an overseas trip, etc. That does not mean that I would advise it to most people. In the end, people choose what they want for themselves, and love isn't the only reason for persisting in a marriage.