luvflower Posted May 12, 2012 Posted May 12, 2012 (edited) Hello loveshack. Im in a situation where the guy I was going out with for a little while had a birthday recently.I was overwhelmed with getting my life together and his interesting disposition that I honestly did not contact him on his birthday because it slipped my mind and now now i dont know what to say or do if anything. We both a fee concerns about things. Maybe this is just the ending of it all...and I just have to accept that... Several days have now gone by. The last contact was made by him and I didnt see the need to respond so I didn't. I feel like I've been bad. However he hasn't been perfect either. Yes this probably sounds really silly and chicken of me, but it's true I am chicken ... he thinks im so confident but im just as shy as he is but he always refers to me as being just the opposite. So where ever you are "YOU"(in the DMV) respond please... I do care but need to know that you do as well... Hint: you love ice cream w/ gummy bears...uggghhh! Thats just wrong but that's what you like...grown @SS man! If you miraculously come to loveshack, reach out and respond. I miss you. I have no choice but to accept his no contact and move on if there is no contact made soon. I do have to keep my sanity and need love in my life... Sincerely, "me" Edited May 12, 2012 by luvflower
d'Arthez Posted May 12, 2012 Posted May 12, 2012 Why don't you contact him? You have his number / email. Talk. He is not a mind reader. Playing games won't ensure success. It will ensure you waste a lot of emotional energy on ifs and buts that will never come to fruition. 1
Fondue Posted May 12, 2012 Posted May 12, 2012 I tried reading that, twice. I still have no idea what this post was about or what you're asking. 2
sid3 Posted May 12, 2012 Posted May 12, 2012 I tried reading that, twice. I still have no idea what this post was about or what you're asking. Yeah, me too. It must be written in some kind of code.
Author luvflower Posted May 12, 2012 Author Posted May 12, 2012 (edited) Yeah, me too. It must be written in some kind of code. Well kind of but not really code... im too afraid to call ,email or text because i feel that hes too upset to even show me any emotion or acknowledge his faults. Why? Because he hasn't made contact with me. If he visits loveshack ever and sees the topic and/or thread then he would know exactly what im talking about and that I'm referring to him. Perhaps I'm looking for devine intervention. And I know he's not a mind reader. The thing is neither am I. I just decided to use this forum to vent about this and the way our relationship faded out. Things weren't perfect but I we were just starting to figure each other's communication styles. He would not express his concerns but instead he would mope quietly until I reached out to him or act out with certain words. No that's not the best way to act but I saw other qualities in him that I admired so I overlooked his lack of expressiveness so to speak. Its like he'd open up when he saw me opening up. An incident happened that made me question him but I never told him about it. Why? Because he'd probably not accept that flaw (incident) that was so obvious. Edited May 12, 2012 by luvflower
d'Arthez Posted May 12, 2012 Posted May 12, 2012 Well kind of but not really code... im too afraid to call ,email or text because im feel that hes too upset to even show me any emotion or acknowledge his faults. Why? Because he hasn't made contact with me. If he visits loveshack ever and sees the topic and/or thread then he would know exactly what im talking about and that I'm referring to him.. He could join and post tomorrow and never find this thread. You are setting yourself up for failure, and to wonder forever what might have been if you had only reached out and talked to him. Just call. Even if you don't know what to say. The longer you wait, the more impossible it will become. Yet the regrets won't disappear for a long time.
Author luvflower Posted May 12, 2012 Author Posted May 12, 2012 Yeah, me too. It must be written in some kind of code. He could join and post tomorrow and never find this thread. You are setting yourself up for failure, and to wonder forever what might have been if you had only reached out and talked to him. Just call. Even if you don't know what to say. The longer you wait, the more impossible it will become. Yet the regrets won't disappear for a long time. Im scared ...like seriously. Im usually the one to reach out to smoky things over and what not. At this point im just trying to either allow define intervention (I know it sounds funnyto some) to show me a sign that I need to reach out or just move on with my life. I think some men/shy men dont realize that we so called "confident" women need assurance from u men just as min as you do. And most importantly we want to feel like women ...soft and at ease about the man you are. I don't mind a somewhat shy guy but in the grand scheme of things I need less shyness on his behalf. Shy is how he described himself when we were first getting to know one anothr and I notice how he tries to become more confident the more time we spend together I guess because he notices how outgoing I am and sometimes makes me feel like I need to ease up and slow down and follow closely next to or beside him like literally... im pretty energetic w/ a short attention span at times.
sid3 Posted May 12, 2012 Posted May 12, 2012 You sound just as guarded as you're labelling him. You should stop waiting for devine intervention. Looking for signs can often be counter productive. Make a move or move on.
d'Arthez Posted May 12, 2012 Posted May 12, 2012 I think some men/shy men dont realize that we so called "confident" women need assurance from u men just as min as you do. And most importantly we want to feel like women ...soft and at ease about the man you are. The same shy man is in all likelihood waiting for you to do something. You may well both waiting for the other to reach out, with as a net result that nothing ever happens. I don't mind a somewhat shy guy but in the grand scheme of things I need less shyness on his behalf. Shy is how he described himself when we were first getting to know one anothr and I notice how he tries to become more confident the more time we spend together I guess because he notices how outgoing I am and sometimes makes me feel like I need to ease up and slow down and follow closely next to or beside him like literally... im pretty energetic w/ a short attention span at times. Shyness is different to lacking confidence. You can be shy as a person and extremely confident in oneself, with the exception of social situations. Shy persons often admire people who are more outgoing than they themselves are. Where you might be able to inspire him in some ways, he may also have a positive influence on you in other ways. Friendships and relationships work like that. He may be completely at ease being himself, but waiting for you to take some initiative (as might have been the established pattern in this relationship). He may also be worried about how to bring x,y, or z up (if he suspects you are bothered by that, hence leading to the inaction). Just give the guy a call. What do you have to lose?
Author luvflower Posted May 12, 2012 Author Posted May 12, 2012 The same shy man is in all likelihood waiting for you to do something. You may well both waiting for the other to reach out, with as a net result that nothing ever happens. Shyness is different to lacking confidence. You can be shy as a person and extremely confident in oneself, with the exception of social situations. Shy persons often admire people who are more outgoing than they themselves are. Where you might be able to inspire him in some ways, he may also have a positive influence on you in other ways. Friendships and relationships work like that. He may be completely at ease being himself, but waiting for you to take some initiative (as might have been the established pattern in this relationship). He may also be worried about how to bring x,y, or z up (if he suspects you are bothered by that, hence leading to the inaction). Just give the guy a call. What do you have to lose? You're right I guess. And I've thought the vet same thing but as a woman I expect him to not always wait for me to STEP UP so to speak... shucks! I care but I too have feelings and dignity.
d'Arthez Posted May 12, 2012 Posted May 12, 2012 You're right I guess. And I've thought the vet same thing but as a woman I expect him to not always wait for me to STEP UP so to speak... shucks! From the sounds of it you want him to be someone he is not. When relationships / friendships hit that stage, they are simply doomed.
veggirl Posted May 12, 2012 Posted May 12, 2012 Did I stumble into the missed connections on CL? OP here's the deal. You didn't contact him on his bday. He sent you a text and you didn't respond. The ball is in YOUR court. Just text him "hey you, how have you been lately?" or something.
Author luvflower Posted May 12, 2012 Author Posted May 12, 2012 Did I stumble into the missed connections on CL? OP here's the deal. You didn't contact him on his bday. He sent you a text and you didn't respond. The ball is in YOUR court. Just text him "hey you, how have you been lately?" or something. He didn't text after his bday. He texted a few days prior.I did respond but just didn't respond after the second comment he made.
carhill Posted May 12, 2012 Posted May 12, 2012 I tried reading that, twice. I still have no idea what this post was about or what you're asking. It sounds like an invitation for further proactive contact from the man who was forgotten on his birthday, should he come across this post on LS. If it is a request for advice, I would, based on the OP only, say this: "Maybe this is just the ending of it all...and I just have to accept that..." but the OP already did.
Author luvflower Posted May 12, 2012 Author Posted May 12, 2012 It sounds like an invitation for further proactive contact from the man who was forgotten on his birthday, should he come across this post on LS. If it is a request for advice, I would, based on the OP only, say this: "Maybe this is just the ending of it all...and I just have to accept that..." but the OP already did. Yep. You're exactly right...
mortensorchid Posted May 12, 2012 Posted May 12, 2012 Well first of all, I don't understand what "getting my life together" means. And second, if you were seeing each other up until a certain point, why were you not invited to do something on his birthday either with just him or with a group of friends? This sounds odd to me. It's one thing if people say they don't want to make a big deal out of something, but it's another if they are having some kind of communication probelm. What happened since then?
FitChick Posted May 12, 2012 Posted May 12, 2012 If a man forgot my birthday and I never heard from him to apologize or make it up to me, I'd assume he had dumped me.
Author luvflower Posted May 13, 2012 Author Posted May 13, 2012 If a man forgot my birthday and I never heard from him to apologize or make it up to me, I'd assume he had dumped me. Woman up and text/ring him. Sheeeesh woman. That'd be easy to do if he hadn't done this thing that I don't approve of.actually no woman would approve of it... yet I let it ride until I couldn't ignore it anymore. That's the only thing that's probably making everyone confused here. Since its not my intent to drag him in the mud in this thread im choosing not to be anymore specific than that. Sorry guys... The more I think about this, the more confused I get. I really like(d) him so why was I not motivated to contact him on his birthday? To address one of the poster's questions. We started to fade before his birthday. First of all an incident happened a little while ago that would make any female feel disrespected and unsafe.I wont be more specific than that. Here's how things unfolded: just a few weeks prior to his bday we were out at the mall killing time before going to a movie. So he jokes about getting me this silly gift for my bday, which is not far from his. So I joked saying he didn't even know my when my bday was(we haven't been going out long). But to my satisfaction he recalled my exact bdate. I was pleasantly surprised.then he immediately asked me to recall his bday. So I did.at first I got the date wrong then got it right.he asks me was I sure. Anyway that's when I knew it was important to him that I remember his bday... ok cool.no problem...so we have a nice evening and everything is good. But.. a few days later i felt him getting distant so when he came over to my place we had a conversation about how we would deal with our schedules and direction in which we wanted the relationship to go. During that dialogue he wanted me to know that his work schedule would improve and not always be as it is now,i. e. crazy at times. Mind you I have a standard 9-5. (But when I say gettn my life together I just meant getting my focus on myself rather than the fairly new relationship with him.when we first met I was living with a guy/friend.current guy never spoke about how he felt but as I tried to assure him back then that the roommate was just a friend he cut me off and said "so there's no reason for me to be jealous?"). Sooo he said in this RECENT conversation that he was not dating anyone else but me and didn't intend to see or date anyone else. Listening I didn't respond or say whether I was or not. I was just listening and in deep thought about so many things. Huuu...So, there was tension in the air and I decided that we could just end the conversation once he seemed to be getting frustrated. I did't want the conversation to go in a negative direction. We stopped the conversation. There was a little tension but it cleared after a little while. I have allergies and started sneezing so he rubbed my back and asked me if I was ok and it was all good from there... we were back to normal. Next morning he left as I was on my way to work. He walks me to my car as usual, hugs and kisses me and said he'd be thinking about me.also before we left out he said he'd see me that weekend but he never said anything else about it.so I let it ride. And because I let it ride I lost motivation to contact him altogether. So I didn't.he texts me after the weekend passes saying he was thinking about me. I thought to myself If that's the case y didn't he keep his promise about seeing me that weekend? I didnt respond until the next day saying "thanks thats sweet.thinking of you too" . He responded saying "awww..." .i didnt respond w/anything after that cuz to me it didnt warrant a response. And even if he WAS thinking about me, what does that really mean. That unacceptable thing he did popped into my mind making things even worse. So I was like wow... this is an even better reason to just go ahead and leave him alone. I felt like he was a little annoyed with our conversation a few nights prior so perhaps that was why he didn't keep his word bout seeig me that weekend. So I pondered contacting him for his bday which was coming that following week. I never did. Haven't contacted him since then/ the time he said he was thinking about me... Nor has he contacted me.yes im stubborn,but so is he.he's said it before... How can we go from enjoying each others company and being affectionate and enjoying food and ideas together to THIS.THIS SUCKS!!! I miss him but I feel like I would disrespect myself by contacting him because by still dealing with him its like he may think that the unacceptable thing he did is ACCEPTABLE.but its not...i told him i didnt like it and its not cool though he continued to talk about it as if its a joke.its really not.for any woman its a physical threat(hint). I just tried to overlook it I guess and was in shock something like that would even come from his mouth and actions.
Author luvflower Posted May 13, 2012 Author Posted May 13, 2012 Woman up and text/ring him. Sheeeesh woman. Even after the information I just provided... youbsuggest i contact him saying "hey how's everything going?" as if nothing is wrong?
unevenXchange Posted May 13, 2012 Posted May 13, 2012 Wow that was long but it definitely clears up some questions that I had about the initial post. I think control the issue at hand here. OP,I hope you realize that. If that "thing" that he does/did disrespected you so much then there's really no reason forbyour uncertainty other than for the fact that you're not ready to deal with feelings of detachment from him. If you cared as much as you say, wouldn't it be easy to just go ahead ,contact him and discuss how he made you feel,i. e. disrespected? Then deal with him accordingly. Instead you've chosen to not bother AND you didn't bother contacting him on his birthday...wow. That says a lot.
Phennyphen Posted May 13, 2012 Posted May 13, 2012 Even after the information I just provided... youbsuggest i contact him saying "hey how's everything going?" as if nothing is wrong? No, not now you've clarified things, if he does/did something you dont like, move on, it sounds too complicated. And like you say, there must be a reason you didnt contact him on his bday
Author luvflower Posted May 13, 2012 Author Posted May 13, 2012 The ball is still in your court. I guess you're right but I don't even care about the ball being in my court I just want him back minus the issues. However I think we have irreconcilable differences. I think he's reading the controlling men's rules book and I'm quite head strong and stubborn myself, especially after being disrespected. Thing is he doesnt even know that this "thing" is the basis of my decision to not respond to or contact him. It may very well be the end of the relationship to be honest...
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