DKW92 Posted May 12, 2012 Posted May 12, 2012 (edited) Okay I am so angry with myself now for losing my girlfriend of 1.5 years, I miss her so much and we had so much potential. I realize that I have learned a lot through this experience, but I can't help but feeling that the price is too high. This is a long post and most of it is background information. Please don't let it discourage you to read it, I truly feel that there are people out there who can benefit of it too so they don't make the same mistake by acting like I did. And any, any kind of advice is greatly appreciated. Thanks. Background info We live in different cities and we met 1.5 years ago. We felt comfortable with each other right away, I took her virginity and made her feel very special for the first time in her life, and even though we had alot of trouble throughout the relationship, we were a very special couple and totally loved each other. We both were each others first real love. She's 18 now, and I am 20. During our relationship I was so busy and I ended up being there less for her than she for me and I started taking her for granted and all that. It made her feel unappreciated and she started getting insecure about it, and that wasn't helping as it made me lose attraction for her, so it was only making it worse. We 'broke up' a couple of times but always made up within 12 hours, telling each other how we couldn't lose 'us', how much we loved each other and how we were going to make it work. It never truly got better and we went on like this for atleast half a year. She kept getting unhappier up to the point were she'd even become depressed, felt so unrealistically ugly and told me how she didn't want to live anymore, on a weekly basis. She was becoming more and more unhappy, insecure, jealous and clingy. I ended up making her believe that she had signs of Borderline and Body Dysmorphic Disorder etc etc, and that I would help her, while she was just becoming so depressed because Of my lack of attention for her. And because she got more and more unhappy, clingy and insecure, I ended up feeling less and less attracted to her and gave her even less attention. At some earlier moment in our relationship we once had a talk about the 'male instinct' and how guys think of having sex with all attractive women that they see. This was one hell of a bad move of me and this really haunted her through the rest of the relationship, why did I ever tell her that. She used to be a very naive girl but I blew alot of fairytales for her this way. It made her really clingy and paranoid when other girls/her friends were around and it turned me off alot. Throughout all of it, I was there for her but didn't manage to fix it because I couldn't see the real cause of the problem: my lack of attention for her. I made her feel like there was something wrong with her and that she needed me to fix it, while I was the one that needed to realize that I had to change my behavior. Why did it take me so long to see it? The last months I kept screwing up worse and worse. I didn't find her attractive anymore at this point as she had turned into a clingy, needy and insecure girl, making me feel uncomfortable around her etc. But we kept going on with our relationship as we still were crazy about each other, about the good stuff, and because we wanted/believed it to become better and we knew we couldn't live without each other so breaking up wasn't an option: we had to make this work. Since we live in different cities, most of our contact was over phone/texts/whatsapp/instant messaging. For a long time we talked daily and we would meet up Wednesday and sleep over at each other's in the weekends. But as the situation progressed we were having more and more fights and me liking her less and less because she'd gotten so insecure, depressing and clingy. Being around her or talking only made me feel bad and we started to ask each other why we were still in this relationship. She also felt the need to talk to me more and more but it kept pushing me away even further, it always was the same dramatic and depressing latenight calls and fighting. They always made things worse so I started to not pickup my phone and told her that we couldn't talk. She also scared me off by threatening to kill herself. This drove her mad and feeling soo unappreciated and she cried herself to sleep so much times, she was so unhappy but still loved me, and I loved her too and wanted to help her but the insecurity and clingyness pushed me away even more. Over time, contact during the week diminished to like 10% of what it was before, and the weekends became boring etc because it was always sadness and fighting, and I didn't feel like doing activities with her because of that. Her sexdrive also started to hit rock bottom because she felt so unhappy with herself, she still had the occassional urges but over the months it ended up like this: 99% of the times we were having sex, she wasn't enjoying it and only seemed to do it to please me. This turned me off and made me feel guilty so we had less and less good sex. An example of how I tried to help her: "You feel unhappy? Why is that? You think you are ugly? Why do you think you are ugly? Because you think your bum is not big enough? Well I think your bum is great but if you want a bigger one, I'll get you into gym and help you to learn squatting etc so you will get a bigger bum!" She hated going to te gym but it worked and she started getting a bigger bum, and she liked it and I was really proud of her, but it obviously didn't fix the problem. It drove me crazy and made me lose hope. What I should have done is just sit with her, hold her, be there for her and make her feel loved. I didn't and I got blinder and blinder for what I had. April 2012 Fastforward to April 2012. She: depressed and unhappy. Me: everything in life going great, but not really interested in my girlfriend anymore because of what she had turned in, but desperate to help her. My attempts to help her didn't really help her. I wanted her to get better so much as it was so unfair and heartbreaking, but I failed to realize that my lack of attention for her was the root of all problems. It made her feel unloved and ugly, she acted that way and it only pushed me away further. By now I didn't really want to be in a relationship with her anymore, and she couldn't be. Last weekend together (April 20 - 22) The last weekend that she stayed here I explained how I was feeling and I think it only solidified her belief that it was going nowhere. Yet we cried and cuddled together and promised to each other to make it better, we even made 'cute pictures' of us and were looking at offers to go on vacation together in the summer. The next week I would go on a family vacation for a week and she kept telling me how much of a bad idea it was, as our relationship was so bad now and she was so paranoid about me meeting new girls there etc. I kept telling her that she shouldn't worry and to be strong, because it was already booked and I would be back in a week. Tuesday, April 24 We met up two days after our last weekend and now I really feel that she wanted to breakup with me by then, but water got into my laptop and it distracted us and we spent all night trying to save it. By the time that I left we were still a couple and we hugged and kissed when we said goodbye, and she put one of our cute pictures as her phone background. April 25 - April 27 I now felt that we could still fix our relationship, but I was too occupied with the laptop now. The laptop didn't survive and I was very sad for the remainder of the week, and we were sad with each other too. She tried talking and cheering me up all week but I rarely responded to her messages, it was one depressing week: situation with girlfriend worse than ever and now I didn't even have a laptop anymore while I had to finish alot of school stuff. We barely talked during the week and it made her upset, but I couldn't do it. She spent most of the time with friends that week. Friday morning she texted me about plans for our weekend (when to workout etc) and it seemed like it was going to be a normal weekend. However because I was so sad with everything, I turned her down and went to buy swimshorts. We started fighting over whatsapp and she told me to come over, and I said I didn't want to. I didn't pickup my phone too because I was so tired of it all. Back home she texted me that she was going to come over to me, and halfway she made some kind of ultimatum for me to meet her halfway but I told her to come over here as I didn't want to give in to this. She went back home again and I let her call with my mother and she told my mother how she was through with it and didn't want to stay in the relationship because she was fed up with the problems. At this time I was all thinking that this was a good idea, I was sick of it too so I was happily playing a computer game to distract myself. I felt like I didn't care about losing her at all and told her this etc, so we didn't see each other. April 28 - April 30 Saturday was the same, yes I could have gone over there but I didn't and she did neither, we both were done with it. That Saturday night she went out for the first time with friends for months and I think it really made her feel 'new'. Our contact during this weekend was mainly about how we both thought that this was best for us etc, and I was convinced of that at the time. It was not before Sunday night that I started to realize and regret it and wanted to make it better, as I would leave for vacation on Monday and it dawned on me what was happening. She went asleep and I panic'd and told her to call me when she woke up at night. We spent all night (calling till morning light) and she told me it really was over and she didn't want to try it anymore, she said she had no hope anymore. I acted so desperate on the phone and broke down and begged her to take me back, that I would change now that this wakeup call had made me realize the problems and know what I should have done, how much I loved her etc etc. At some point she started crying too but told me that she didn't want to rollback, she was so tired of it all and said she needed time to repair herself how she wasn't able to be in a relationship with anyone now. I was so sad and couldn't believe what I did. It was hopeless and I really acted like a wimp over the phone. She also told me that on Saturday night a guy (who was 6 years older) had been dancing with her and they exchanged #'s even though she didn't really like him. She said she felt pressured by him but also said she really liked how understanding he was when she told him she just broke up etc. I told her 'well good for you' and told her I didn't care. Half an hour later I became angry with her and we fighted for a while before going to sleep. Monday, April 30 A few hours later I left for summer vacation and she wished me fun and told me to not hold myself back with other girls because of what happened. During the flight I typed an email telling her how much I loved and her and how this had been a wakeup call for me to realize what was wrong, that I would change and that I knew how we could make it work now and how we could be happier than ever. I again asked her for a second chance and all that. She read the email and said she really appreciated it and told me she would think about it. A day later I sent her another email, telling her what I loved about her so much, telling her I was so sorry and I showed her that I actually understood what was the problem now and that I was convinced that we could make it better, all we had to do was give it a chance. I figured that it would be best to give her time and space now, so I sent her an email explaining that I had accepted the situation, told her that I was convinced that we could make it work now, but that I understood that I couldn't force her to, and that I was going to have my vacation now. I wished her a lot of fun and told her to think about it. We then had no contact for two days, before I messaged her and asked if there was anything she was angry about. She said no. I then asked whether there was anything she was disappointed in. She said yes and told me that it felt like a unworthy breakup and that she wanted to see me again to close it in a proper way. I told her I wanted this too and that I wouldn't try to take her back. By now I was believing that she was in some kind of mania/selfprotection-mode as her messages seemed to be way too happy and carefree for a girl who had just lost the person that meant the world to her in the last 1.5 years. I kept telling her how I didn't believe that she was alright and how I was worried about her because I loved her. I told her to make a picture or Skype so she could convince me that I shouldn't be worried about her. She said she was feeling better than ever, how she thought that her decision was the best idea and how she didn't want to defend herself, that I could see her Monday and then told me to leave her alone. I left her alone but I was convinced that she was in shock and that I had a very good chance of getting her back after the vacation, aslong as I just showed her how much he loved her and convince her that I learned my lesson and that we could make it work again. Monday, May 7 When I arrived home that Monday I went to her straight away. Earlier that morning she tried to call off the meeting because she felt that it would only make it worse for me. I insisted that I would see her that day and she said 'okay'. Once I was on my way to her, she started talking to me about how she really thought this was a bad idea, how she was having a bad day already and how much she regretted okay'ing with it. I told her that we both had to be strong. I then visited her and brought her favorite homemade smoothie as a 'cheer-you-up'. I met her at the bus stop and she looked different and her voice felt so cold. We hugged and walked to her house. I tried to put my hand around her waist but she turned me down and said that she didn't feel like it. I said 'okay' and didn't push it. Her parents were happy to see me and we talked for a few minutes and then we went to her room and sat on the bed. We started having a fun chat about our week, laughed alot and got more comfortable. I then switched the topic to the relationship and what happened and I told her how I felt, she told me that we understood each other so well now etc. She was really happy that I finally understood and we cried for a bit as we lay next to each other. Then more happy chatting and we started touching, rubbing, friendly kissing, smiling, and flirty and familiar things and she looked like she was falling in love with me again. I got really hopeful at that moment, it all seemed to workout out again, especially when I noticed that all my stuff and gifts and everything were still there. She said she hoped that I wouldn't find it creepy, but that she really likes all of it and how she looks at it every day to remember the good times. So yeah, we were on her bed falling in love again, but after a while she seemed to realize that and I think it jammed her thoughts. 'Don't get back to him'. She then started complaining about this 'headache' (...) and said that we couldn't continue talking and that I had to leave. We had been at her room for 2+ hours. I tried to continue hugging her and caressing her, it all felt sooo familiar and for some time it had been working. She told me she didn't want to and told me to back off. I did and got my stuff and we left her room. Here I tried to hug her again and asked her for a last kiss, she agreed and we had a short closed-mouth kiss. I tried mode hugging but she told me to back off again. She then rushed me downstairs, escaping her parents who wanted to chat with me again and they looked like they hoped that we would makeup. I'll never forget the look on their faces when my ex rushed me out of the house and to the busstop. While waiting for my bus, we stood there and I kept trying to hug&hold&friendlykiss her. She stepped back and told me to back off and stop being so pushy. Then the bus showed up and she said 'farewell and thanks for everything', I said 'you too' and walked away. Once I was on my way home I texted her telling her that I was sorry for being so pushy, it just felt too familiar. She said that I shouldn't feel bad about it and that she would always be there for me when I wanted to talk etc. I told her that we couldn't stay friends because I would never be able to see her as a friend. I told her how I was going to delete her number now, she seemed to be disappointed and slightly offended. She said 'okay...' and we texted farewells. Tuesday, May 8 One day later around 23:00, I noticed that she was still online on whatsapp and I couldn't help but talk to her. I said 'Hi' and she happily said Hi back. I asked her how she was doing and she said that she would be honest with me, and that she didn't feel good and was missing me alot. I told her I felt the same and we spent 3 hours talking over whatsapp about our relationship, how we understood that this happened and the stuff that we should have changed. It was a very good conversation and she told me she was supertired and having a headache again (...), but that she thought this was important and that we should keep talking. We didn't speak about getting back together at all, just fun/flirty things and about how much we understood what happened and what we could have done to prevent it, all very simple and practical things. I really hoped that it would convince her that we still could make it work. Wednesday, May 9 The next morning she messaged me by herself about how she just stumbled on a letter (March 2012) that she had written, but never gave to me. She sent pictures of the letter and I read it, it said exactly what I had figured out by now. That the problem was that I was making her unhappy and she felt that I did the wrong things to fix it, and how much she wanted us to get better. I told her it was a very good letter and we talked and joked about how much we had learned, and that we should be able to turnback time and apply it, and we agreed that there would have been a very good chance of fixing it up or real. After a while she said she had to continue with her school stuff and we stopped talking. Later that night we started talking on whatsapp again, same kind of stuff that we had learned and I kept saying how much of a waste it was that we didn't try it again. She seemed to feel the need to defend her again and she kept telling me how she is not going to change her mind, that she is happy now etc. She had to wakeup early the next morning so we closed and she went to sleep. I couldn't sleep and I sent her a few messages telling her that I couldn't let go of and that we just needed to see eachother again so we'd fall in love again, then apply what we had learnt and become happier than ever before. Thursday, May 10 The next morning (early, I was up already) she replied to the messages and said that she loves me but doesn't feel like she can fall in love with me again. (even though she did that Monday) I told her that I couldn't move on now because I was convinced that she could and that we could make it work, and if she didn't want that, that I'd really need to see it and convince myself by meeting her once more. She said that she thought it was a bad idea and I kinda made her feel guilty by telling her that she can't leave me like this, and that I needed to see her again. She said no no no, we're broken up and we're not getting back together. She got angry with me and called me, and we fighted about how I always talked to her guiltfeelings over the phone while she wanted me to leave her alone, it made her cry and said that her friends told her to just ignore me and how I was distracting her from the test that se would do this morning. I tried to calm her down but she was very angry and said 'FINE YOU GET YOUR LAST CHANCE TO SEE ME AGAIN THEN. JUST LEAVE ME ALONE NOW'. I said that she doesn't know how important is to me because she hasn't been in my postion. Also told her that I didn't want that chance out of pity/guilt and I said I hoped that if she ever would be in my position, that she would be allowed the chance out of love. It made her cry and she said that this dejavu-call (exactly the same fighting on the phone) was only confirming for her that she made the right decision. I calmed her down and sent her a happy picture of me telling her that it's okay and that I have let go of the hope of getting back with her now, and that she shouldn't feel guilty. I told her to remember me like on the picture and asked her for a similar picture of her, she said that she would send me one later that day. I then wished her goodluck with her test and closed. After her test I asked how it went and I told her that I was happy to hear that our argument of that morning didn't ruin her test. She thanked me and I said that we should stay away from each other now and do happy&fun things, and told her to tell her parents that I'm doing fine and that I hope they do the same. She said 'Good plan'. Saturday, May 12 Now we have been in no contact for over 48 hours. She didn't send me the picture or started talking whatsoever. It's been two weeks since we broke up and I have a feeling that she is already dating others now (she told me to do that during the angry phone call) to accelerate getting over me, provide distraction and re-establish her selfworth. It tears me apart. I feel so stupid now and I'm angry with myself all the time. I feel like I will never be able to forgive myself the week before my vacation, in which I had plenty of opportunities (and invitations from her) to fix it. I didn't, I just fought with her and played computer games to clear my mind. I have never been this angry with myself before and I don't know how to deal with it. I want her back and I want to make her happy and feel beautiful, and I know we can. I don't want my first real love to forever remind me of this, all my happy memories of us are now blemished with 'how could I ever be so stupid'. I have a feeling that this will haunt me for years and that she will always be 'the one that got away'-ish to me. I really have learnt and realized so much but losing her still feels like a waste and I just want to turnback time and I even have nightmares about it. I was so stupid and I am completely locked out now, without a way to get back on her radar so she can see the improved me. We live in different cities and have different friends, so we can't run into each other. Calling/texting/showing up there without a really good reason will only annoy her and push her further away, but doing nothing will make her forget about me. What do I do? I feel like that the vacationweek (full of distraction and attention and appreciation from new guys) + me pushing her and acting desperate has ruined my chances of getting back together for good. I have a feeling that she will only remember the bad things just like her friends, and that they will keep telling her 'good riddance', making her get over me and not look back. Our last phonecall was a massive fight, who would want to go back to that? I have truly changed because of this 'wakeup call' and I feel that if I can show it to her, she will want to get back and we can be happier than ever. We are right for eachother, love and trust each other so much, attraction has always been there, built up so much in just 1.5 years, learned from our mistakes, but I just pushed it too far this time and acted so stupid. I have changed but I am too locked out now because of logistics, so she can't even see it. How can she want me back when she can only remember the bad things, and not see the new me? I don't want to move on as I am convinced that getting back together and applying what we have learn t, is the best thing for the both of us. How badly did I screw up and what do I do now? How do I 'maximize' the chance of restoring what we had, so we can be happy together again? Thanks alot if you have read it till this far, really appreciated. I will never make the same mistake again and I'll help anyone who seems to be in/heading for a similar situation. I'm just so clueless now and everything in me wants her back. Not just because I miss her, but because I know that the problems between us were not unfixable at all. I just needed this wakeup call to realize it, and now that I did, it's too late? Any kind of advice is greatly appreciated. Thank you. Edited May 12, 2012 by DKW92
Boynextdoor Posted May 13, 2012 Posted May 13, 2012 Okay I am so angry with myself now for losing my girlfriend of 1.5 years, I miss her so much and we had so much potential. I realize that I have learned a lot through this experience, but I can't help but feeling that the price is too high. This is a long post and most of it is background information. Please don't let it discourage you to read it, I truly feel that there are people out there who can benefit of it too so they don't make the same mistake by acting like I did. And any, any kind of advice is greatly appreciated. Thanks. Background info We live in different cities and we met 1.5 years ago. We felt comfortable with each other right away, I took her virginity and made her feel very special for the first time in her life, and even though we had alot of trouble throughout the relationship, we were a very special couple and totally loved each other. We both were each others first real love. She's 18 now, and I am 20. During our relationship I was so busy and I ended up being there less for her than she for me and I started taking her for granted and all that. It made her feel unappreciated and she started getting insecure about it, and that wasn't helping as it made me lose attraction for her, so it was only making it worse. We 'broke up' a couple of times but always made up within 12 hours, telling each other how we couldn't lose 'us', how much we loved each other and how we were going to make it work. It never truly got better and we went on like this for atleast half a year. She kept getting unhappier up to the point were she'd even become depressed, felt so unrealistically ugly and told me how she didn't want to live anymore, on a weekly basis. She was becoming more and more unhappy, insecure, jealous and clingy. I ended up making her believe that she had signs of Borderline and Body Dysmorphic Disorder etc etc, and that I would help her, while she was just becoming so depressed because Of my lack of attention for her. And because she got more and more unhappy, clingy and insecure, I ended up feeling less and less attracted to her and gave her even less attention. At some earlier moment in our relationship we once had a talk about the 'male instinct' and how guys think of having sex with all attractive women that they see. This was one hell of a bad move of me and this really haunted her through the rest of the relationship, why did I ever tell her that. She used to be a very naive girl but I blew alot of fairytales for her this way. It made her really clingy and paranoid when other girls/her friends were around and it turned me off alot. Throughout all of it, I was there for her but didn't manage to fix it because I couldn't see the real cause of the problem: my lack of attention for her. I made her feel like there was something wrong with her and that she needed me to fix it, while I was the one that needed to realize that I had to change my behavior. Why did it take me so long to see it? The last months I kept screwing up worse and worse. I didn't find her attractive anymore at this point as she had turned into a clingy, needy and insecure girl, making me feel uncomfortable around her etc. But we kept going on with our relationship as we still were crazy about each other, about the good stuff, and because we wanted/believed it to become better and we knew we couldn't live without each other so breaking up wasn't an option: we had to make this work. Since we live in different cities, most of our contact was over phone/texts/whatsapp/instant messaging. For a long time we talked daily and we would meet up Wednesday and sleep over at each other's in the weekends. But as the situation progressed we were having more and more fights and me liking her less and less because she'd gotten so insecure, depressing and clingy. Being around her or talking only made me feel bad and we started to ask each other why we were still in this relationship. She also felt the need to talk to me more and more but it kept pushing me away even further, it always was the same dramatic and depressing latenight calls and fighting. They always made things worse so I started to not pickup my phone and told her that we couldn't talk. She also scared me off by threatening to kill herself. This drove her mad and feeling soo unappreciated and she cried herself to sleep so much times, she was so unhappy but still loved me, and I loved her too and wanted to help her but the insecurity and clingyness pushed me away even more. Over time, contact during the week diminished to like 10% of what it was before, and the weekends became boring etc because it was always sadness and fighting, and I didn't feel like doing activities with her because of that. Her sexdrive also started to hit rock bottom because she felt so unhappy with herself, she still had the occassional urges but over the months it ended up like this: 99% of the times we were having sex, she wasn't enjoying it and only seemed to do it to please me. This turned me off and made me feel guilty so we had less and less good sex. An example of how I tried to help her: "You feel unhappy? Why is that? You think you are ugly? Why do you think you are ugly? Because you think your bum is not big enough? Well I think your bum is great but if you want a bigger one, I'll get you into gym and help you to learn squatting etc so you will get a bigger bum!" She hated going to te gym but it worked and she started getting a bigger bum, and she liked it and I was really proud of her, but it obviously didn't fix the problem. It drove me crazy and made me lose hope. What I should have done is just sit with her, hold her, be there for her and make her feel loved. I didn't and I got blinder and blinder for what I had. April 2012 Fastforward to April 2012. She: depressed and unhappy. Me: everything in life going great, but not really interested in my girlfriend anymore because of what she had turned in, but desperate to help her. My attempts to help her didn't really help her. I wanted her to get better so much as it was so unfair and heartbreaking, but I failed to realize that my lack of attention for her was the root of all problems. It made her feel unloved and ugly, she acted that way and it only pushed me away further. By now I didn't really want to be in a relationship with her anymore, and she couldn't be. Last weekend together (April 20 - 22) The last weekend that she stayed here I explained how I was feeling and I think it only solidified her belief that it was going nowhere. Yet we cried and cuddled together and promised to each other to make it better, we even made 'cute pictures' of us and were looking at offers to go on vacation together in the summer. The next week I would go on a family vacation for a week and she kept telling me how much of a bad idea it was, as our relationship was so bad now and she was so paranoid about me meeting new girls there etc. I kept telling her that she shouldn't worry and to be strong, because it was already booked and I would be back in a week. Tuesday, April 24 We met up two days after our last weekend and now I really feel that she wanted to breakup with me by then, but water got into my laptop and it distracted us and we spent all night trying to save it. By the time that I left we were still a couple and we hugged and kissed when we said goodbye, and she put one of our cute pictures as her phone background. April 25 - April 27 I now felt that we could still fix our relationship, but I was too occupied with the laptop now. The laptop didn't survive and I was very sad for the remainder of the week, and we were sad with each other too. She tried talking and cheering me up all week but I rarely responded to her messages, it was one depressing week: situation with girlfriend worse than ever and now I didn't even have a laptop anymore while I had to finish alot of school stuff. We barely talked during the week and it made her upset, but I couldn't do it. She spent most of the time with friends that week. Friday morning she texted me about plans for our weekend (when to workout etc) and it seemed like it was going to be a normal weekend. However because I was so sad with everything, I turned her down and went to buy swimshorts. We started fighting over whatsapp and she told me to come over, and I said I didn't want to. I didn't pickup my phone too because I was so tired of it all. Back home she texted me that she was going to come over to me, and halfway she made some kind of ultimatum for me to meet her halfway but I told her to come over here as I didn't want to give in to this. She went back home again and I let her call with my mother and she told my mother how she was through with it and didn't want to stay in the relationship because she was fed up with the problems. At this time I was all thinking that this was a good idea, I was sick of it too so I was happily playing a computer game to distract myself. I felt like I didn't care about losing her at all and told her this etc, so we didn't see each other. April 28 - April 30 Saturday was the same, yes I could have gone over there but I didn't and she did neither, we both were done with it. That Saturday night she went out for the first time with friends for months and I think it really made her feel 'new'. Our contact during this weekend was mainly about how we both thought that this was best for us etc, and I was convinced of that at the time. It was not before Sunday night that I started to realize and regret it and wanted to make it better, as I would leave for vacation on Monday and it dawned on me what was happening. She went asleep and I panic'd and told her to call me when she woke up at night. We spent all night (calling till morning light) and she told me it really was over and she didn't want to try it anymore, she said she had no hope anymore. I acted so desperate on the phone and broke down and begged her to take me back, that I would change now that this wakeup call had made me realize the problems and know what I should have done, how much I loved her etc etc. At some point she started crying too but told me that she didn't want to rollback, she was so tired of it all and said she needed time to repair herself how she wasn't able to be in a relationship with anyone now. I was so sad and couldn't believe what I did. It was hopeless and I really acted like a wimp over the phone. She also told me that on Saturday night a guy (who was 6 years older) had been dancing with her and they exchanged #'s even though she didn't really like him. She said she felt pressured by him but also said she really liked how understanding he was when she told him she just broke up etc. I told her 'well good for you' and told her I didn't care. Half an hour later I became angry with her and we fighted for a while before going to sleep. Monday, April 30 A few hours later I left for summer vacation and she wished me fun and told me to not hold myself back with other girls because of what happened. During the flight I typed an email telling her how much I loved and her and how this had been a wakeup call for me to realize what was wrong, that I would change and that I knew how we could make it work now and how we could be happier than ever. I again asked her for a second chance and all that. She read the email and said she really appreciated it and told me she would think about it. A day later I sent her another email, telling her what I loved about her so much, telling her I was so sorry and I showed her that I actually understood what was the problem now and that I was convinced that we could make it better, all we had to do was give it a chance. I figured that it would be best to give her time and space now, so I sent her an email explaining that I had accepted the situation, told her that I was convinced that we could make it work now, but that I understood that I couldn't force her to, and that I was going to have my vacation now. I wished her a lot of fun and told her to think about it. We then had no contact for two days, before I messaged her and asked if there was anything she was angry about. She said no. I then asked whether there was anything she was disappointed in. She said yes and told me that it felt like a unworthy breakup and that she wanted to see me again to close it in a proper way. I told her I wanted this too and that I wouldn't try to take her back. By now I was believing that she was in some kind of mania/selfprotection-mode as her messages seemed to be way too happy and carefree for a girl who had just lost the person that meant the world to her in the last 1.5 years. I kept telling her how I didn't believe that she was alright and how I was worried about her because I loved her. I told her to make a picture or Skype so she could convince me that I shouldn't be worried about her. She said she was feeling better than ever, how she thought that her decision was the best idea and how she didn't want to defend herself, that I could see her Monday and then told me to leave her alone. I left her alone but I was convinced that she was in shock and that I had a very good chance of getting her back after the vacation, aslong as I just showed her how much he loved her and convince her that I learned my lesson and that we could make it work again. Monday, May 7 When I arrived home that Monday I went to her straight away. Earlier that morning she tried to call off the meeting because she felt that it would only make it worse for me. I insisted that I would see her that day and she said 'okay'. Once I was on my way to her, she started talking to me about how she really thought this was a bad idea, how she was having a bad day already and how much she regretted okay'ing with it. I told her that we both had to be strong. I then visited her and brought her favorite homemade smoothie as a 'cheer-you-up'. I met her at the bus stop and she looked different and her voice felt so cold. We hugged and walked to her house. I tried to put my hand around her waist but she turned me down and said that she didn't feel like it. I said 'okay' and didn't push it. Her parents were happy to see me and we talked for a few minutes and then we went to her room and sat on the bed. We started having a fun chat about our week, laughed alot and got more comfortable. I then switched the topic to the relationship and what happened and I told her how I felt, she told me that we understood each other so well now etc. She was really happy that I finally understood and we cried for a bit as we lay next to each other. Then more happy chatting and we started touching, rubbing, friendly kissing, smiling, and flirty and familiar things and she looked like she was falling in love with me again. I got really hopeful at that moment, it all seemed to workout out again, especially when I noticed that all my stuff and gifts and everything were still there. She said she hoped that I wouldn't find it creepy, but that she really likes all of it and how she looks at it every day to remember the good times. So yeah, we were on her bed falling in love again, but after a while she seemed to realize that and I think it jammed her thoughts. 'Don't get back to him'. She then started complaining about this 'headache' (...) and said that we couldn't continue talking and that I had to leave. We had been at her room for 2+ hours. I tried to continue hugging her and caressing her, it all felt sooo familiar and for some time it had been working. She told me she didn't want to and told me to back off. I did and got my stuff and we left her room. Here I tried to hug her again and asked her for a last kiss, she agreed and we had a short closed-mouth kiss. I tried mode hugging but she told me to back off again. She then rushed me downstairs, escaping her parents who wanted to chat with me again and they looked like they hoped that we would makeup. I'll never forget the look on their faces when my ex rushed me out of the house and to the busstop. While waiting for my bus, we stood there and I kept trying to hug&hold&friendlykiss her. She stepped back and told me to back off and stop being so pushy. Then the bus showed up and she said 'farewell and thanks for everything', I said 'you too' and walked away. Once I was on my way home I texted her telling her that I was sorry for being so pushy, it just felt too familiar. She said that I shouldn't feel bad about it and that she would always be there for me when I wanted to talk etc. I told her that we couldn't stay friends because I would never be able to see her as a friend. I told her how I was going to delete her number now, she seemed to be disappointed and slightly offended. She said 'okay...' and we texted farewells. Tuesday, May 8 One day later around 23:00, I noticed that she was still online on whatsapp and I couldn't help but talk to her. I said 'Hi' and she happily said Hi back. I asked her how she was doing and she said that she would be honest with me, and that she didn't feel good and was missing me alot. I told her I felt the same and we spent 3 hours talking over whatsapp about our relationship, how we understood that this happened and the stuff that we should have changed. It was a very good conversation and she told me she was supertired and having a headache again (...), but that she thought this was important and that we should keep talking. We didn't speak about getting back together at all, just fun/flirty things and about how much we understood what happened and what we could have done to prevent it, all very simple and practical things. I really hoped that it would convince her that we still could make it work. Wednesday, May 9 The next morning she messaged me by herself about how she just stumbled on a letter (March 2012) that she had written, but never gave to me. She sent pictures of the letter and I read it, it said exactly what I had figured out by now. That the problem was that I was making her unhappy and she felt that I did the wrong things to fix it, and how much she wanted us to get better. I told her it was a very good letter and we talked and joked about how much we had learned, and that we should be able to turnback time and apply it, and we agreed that there would have been a very good chance of fixing it up or real. After a while she said she had to continue with her school stuff and we stopped talking. Later that night we started talking on whatsapp again, same kind of stuff that we had learned and I kept saying how much of a waste it was that we didn't try it again. She seemed to feel the need to defend her again and she kept telling me how she is not going to change her mind, that she is happy now etc. She had to wakeup early the next morning so we closed and she went to sleep. I couldn't sleep and I sent her a few messages telling her that I couldn't let go of and that we just needed to see eachother again so we'd fall in love again, then apply what we had learnt and become happier than ever before. Thursday, May 10 The next morning (early, I was up already) she replied to the messages and said that she loves me but doesn't feel like she can fall in love with me again. (even though she did that Monday) I told her that I couldn't move on now because I was convinced that she could and that we could make it work, and if she didn't want that, that I'd really need to see it and convince myself by meeting her once more. She said that she thought it was a bad idea and I kinda made her feel guilty by telling her that she can't leave me like this, and that I needed to see her again. She said no no no, we're broken up and we're not getting back together. She got angry with me and called me, and we fighted about how I always talked to her guiltfeelings over the phone while she wanted me to leave her alone, it made her cry and said that her friends told her to just ignore me and how I was distracting her from the test that se would do this morning. I tried to calm her down but she was very angry and said 'FINE YOU GET YOUR LAST CHANCE TO SEE ME AGAIN THEN. JUST LEAVE ME ALONE NOW'. I said that she doesn't know how important is to me because she hasn't been in my postion. Also told her that I didn't want that chance out of pity/guilt and I said I hoped that if she ever would be in my position, that she would be allowed the chance out of love. It made her cry and she said that this dejavu-call (exactly the same fighting on the phone) was only confirming for her that she made the right decision. I calmed her down and sent her a happy picture of me telling her that it's okay and that I have let go of the hope of getting back with her now, and that she shouldn't feel guilty. I told her to remember me like on the picture and asked her for a similar picture of her, she said that she would send me one later that day. I then wished her goodluck with her test and closed. After her test I asked how it went and I told her that I was happy to hear that our argument of that morning didn't ruin her test. She thanked me and I said that we should stay away from each other now and do happy&fun things, and told her to tell her parents that I'm doing fine and that I hope they do the same. She said 'Good plan'. Saturday, May 12 Now we have been in no contact for over 48 hours. She didn't send me the picture or started talking whatsoever. It's been two weeks since we broke up and I have a feeling that she is already dating others now (she told me to do that during the angry phone call) to accelerate getting over me, provide distraction and re-establish her selfworth. It tears me apart. I feel so stupid now and I'm angry with myself all the time. I feel like I will never be able to forgive myself the week before my vacation, in which I had plenty of opportunities (and invitations from her) to fix it. I didn't, I just fought with her and played computer games to clear my mind. I have never been this angry with myself before and I don't know how to deal with it. I want her back and I want to make her happy and feel beautiful, and I know we can. I don't want my first real love to forever remind me of this, all my happy memories of us are now blemished with 'how could I ever be so stupid'. I have a feeling that this will haunt me for years and that she will always be 'the one that got away'-ish to me. I really have learnt and realized so much but losing her still feels like a waste and I just want to turnback time and I even have nightmares about it. I was so stupid and I am completely locked out now, without a way to get back on her radar so she can see the improved me. We live in different cities and have different friends, so we can't run into each other. Calling/texting/showing up there without a really good reason will only annoy her and push her further away, but doing nothing will make her forget about me. What do I do? I feel like that the vacationweek (full of distraction and attention and appreciation from new guys) + me pushing her and acting desperate has ruined my chances of getting back together for good. I have a feeling that she will only remember the bad things just like her friends, and that they will keep telling her 'good riddance', making her get over me and not look back. Our last phonecall was a massive fight, who would want to go back to that? I have truly changed because of this 'wakeup call' and I feel that if I can show it to her, she will want to get back and we can be happier than ever. We are right for eachother, love and trust each other so much, attraction has always been there, built up so much in just 1.5 years, learned from our mistakes, but I just pushed it too far this time and acted so stupid. I have changed but I am too locked out now because of logistics, so she can't even see it. How can she want me back when she can only remember the bad things, and not see the new me? I don't want to move on as I am convinced that getting back together and applying what we have learn t, is the best thing for the both of us. How badly did I screw up and what do I do now? How do I 'maximize' the chance of restoring what we had, so we can be happy together again? Thanks alot if you have read it till this far, really appreciated. I will never make the same mistake again and I'll help anyone who seems to be in/heading for a similar situation. I'm just so clueless now and everything in me wants her back. Not just because I miss her, but because I know that the problems between us were not unfixable at all. I just needed this wakeup call to realize it, and now that I did, it's too late? Any kind of advice is greatly appreciated. Thank you. Hang in there dude. I hear you been there done that. Although our scenario is different lets say i got some issues to deal with also. "temper issues" from a small arguement we ended up breaking up. Well the thing here dude is that people have their limit also with things. Meaning say before it even happend they already have the idea of doing such. Its just that they were just waiting for a time where you,me,us ro commit a mistake / they are just wating for a deal breaker. with my issue my ex gf felt like I abandoned her. But in realty I was feeling the same thng also. Man we humans we tend to be preoccupied with thngs regardless of the issue. Each of us have our own luggage to carry. Stability is hard to master so we can say that its slippery at times. Now what youve to understand here is that its not your fault. You're responsible for contributing for the break up but the totality of it i must say NO! She is responsible for the other 50%. So dont pitty yourself or blame yourself alone. She gave in! So now your job is to ind your inner peace as well. While she is searching for her peace you must give yourself the credit because you werent like this in the whole transition of the relationship. There you see the good times, best times, slippery parts, and such. Sadly woman focus more with the "negative parts / wrong doings" Your decision to change must come from within not because of what went wrong with you both or what not. You have to do it for yourself. In time they will realize what they are missing. What everyone fears is that in what cost? Right? But this time its beyond of your control. What you hafta to do is to man up! And work your way up in being an ALPHA MALE AGAIN! That is what got her attention on the first place. Right? If she comes bac and sees it good for you.... If not always remember it aint your loss. No mind games here but really it aint why did i say so? Dude you tried to save it right? So cheer up! All of us here have different scenarios in life but then common denominator is that one of us got dumped or dumped by someone. Eitherway same approach is applied. Use NC so that both of will heal. Not to play mind games with them or persuade them. Time will come they will miss you an that is certain. Now chances are either she comes back or just move on. Everything will depend on the level of love that you both had. Braise yourself whatever the outcome is!
Recommended Posts