Gone after 8 years

[birdyJ]

I've spent the last 2 months looking at various forums for advice and peoples's discussions on break ups. Today is the first time I post my own story.

 

It will be 2 months next week. Together for 8 years, since we were 15. Both 22. Went to uni together, lived together there, moved back home and lived with my parents since June 2011 and then he moves out to live with friends for his "last opportunity". Two weeks later, tells me we're not right for each other, i'm not a priority, i cared more, I don't make him happy. Gave him two days to think it through then he tells me on the phone it's over. Me, heartbroken, walk out don't contact him, except one stupid drunken text and phonecall when I needed somewhere to crash after a night out. He's happy for me to stay and in the morning tells me he always wants me in his life, we're better than just passing each other on the street and I'm welcome at his anytime. I don't contact him again. Any contact came from him and it was minimal via text - him asking how I was, talking about our work (we both were settling into our first full time jobs after uni in Jan this year) when we could meet up so he could see my new tattoo etc. Then it stopped and I felt really sad one night and text him saying I missed talking and wishing him well. He says hes busy with work but really does want to meet at some point. I tell him I wasn't looking for that, there's no reason to to which he says there is, we should talk and he wants to. I should never ever feel like I can't text him.

 

Then last night I find out he's been chasing this girl from his work and really likes her. They've finally kissed after 2 months of flirtation and he wants to take her out for fancy dinners and treat her properly. He's told this friend, who I heard it from he wouldn't make minimal effort with her and, apparently, felt really protective of her when she was doing a line of coke or some sh*t like that.

 

I'm not even that surprised tbh. I knew about this girl and thought after we'd broken up he'd probably get with her but what gets me is the way he wants to treat her right and sounds like he could even love her after 2 months. I know that's a long time in dumper land. When I heard the 'minimal effort' part I just thought you always made minimal effort with me. You never spent your money on me. You lived in my parents house for 9 months paying no rent and basically using me for god knows how long. He went to eastern europe in Sept last year, hated it after a week, missing me and never wanting to leave my side again, I paid for the £300 flight home and am still waiting on getting that back. When he never had a job I gave him money for various things too. Paid his damn rent and the rest of it. Always showed my love for him. I wasn't perfect but I made a better job showing how much I cared than he did. When he had basically nothing I cared enough and loved him. And he is a lovely guy, we have a great connection. Or at least we did. The only thing I can think now though is actions speak louder than words. He always told me he loved me, said the right stuff. I really did feel like he loved me a lot of the time. He had a really difficult time talking about deep things though. He did let me in, he always said I was the only one he could rely on and he trusted me more than anyone.

 

But there were times I did think what a d*ck he could be. Just because he could be so selfish and I seemed to be the only one putting in effort. He really did have me wrapped around his finger. I was always there. Hate myself for it now. Hate myself for caring and loving him still. I think of him everyday even when I'm busy and have got lots going on. He is always there.

 

Just kills me thinking about how now he 'loves' someone else and seems ready to be good to her. And me, the one who was always there and was like family to him (he doesn't get on with his family, huge trust issues he's never forgiven them for when he was little. Believes he wasn't loved enough and thinks they don't care about him), who's knows all his secrets, never judged him and stood by him always. She gets all the things I should have got. And he wants her to have them. Not me.

 

I know I'm young. I know every experience is worth something and not to regret what made you happy. I know we did share a lot of good times and there is a lot of love there. But even knowing I'm better off without him it still absolutely kills me that he's gone. Part of me wants him to come back. But I know it wouldn't be same. He's done this before, walking away because we weren't right for each other and he doesn't want me as a girlfriend anymore. He'd do it for the rest of our lives if he'd stayed I know that. I just want something. But I don't know what.

 

Thank you for reading. Any thoughts/experiences would be appreciated x

[maya.arrow]

hey,

anyone can be good and amazing to someone for two months. it's the long haul that is the test. this new girl is exciting and different for him, so he is on his best behaviour. but after he has woken up by her side for 5 years, seen her sick with the flu, heard her farts, had a few fights...is he still going to treat her like gold?

 

when my bf first fell in love with me, he did things that literally swept me off my feet. he was so adoring and gentle and lovely. he held me when my grandfather died. he washed my dirty feet when i walked home barefoot once. he would text me that he loved me every day. four years on--he doesn't do any of that stuff anymore. he's lovely and loving, but i know the passion is gone for him. the passion isn't gone for me...but there's not much i can do when it isn't reciprocated.

[Radu]

If after 2 months you see him like this, i think you'll be good in the long run.

 

He sounds like a user, you'll be fine.

 

As maya said above, its the long haul that counts.

[Appleness]

Yep I agree with Maya and Radu. Just came out of 8 years myself. Trust me, I think they deserve each other. She's doing coke and he's being supportive? Sweetheart, are you sure that's what you'd want? Look, I understand that the first few months (hell, the first 2 years even) he will do nice things. My ex drove me to and from my mom's every weekend from college for 2 years (putting about 80-90 miles on his new car). Never passed a flower stand without buying flowers, and was at my place at least 4 days a week. This is called the honeymoon period. This is what they do.

 

Like Maya said, eventually he will revert back to his true form. That needy person that made you slave yourself to make him happy. The man who took and felt he never had to give back. The guy who didn't deserve you because you paid his rent and he took you for granted. His new girl will experience all that. Life's kinda funny like that. Some people say "I just want someone to have fun with!" and this person will ALWAYS bail on them in their time of need. Why? Well, it's what they wanted, isn't it?