BCCA Posted May 12, 2012 Posted May 12, 2012 After reading a couple threads, and having a long talk with a buddy of mine about the struggles of dating, I just have a couple comments from men to women about rejection. First, its perfectly fine if you dont like a guy. Nobody would advocate giving everyone that asks you out a chance, and you certainly should keep some personal standards. It goes both ways, and everyone has had at least a few people attracted to them that they didnt like, and they had to turn them down. No, its not fun for either, but there are ways to handle it that make it easier for everyone. Guys dont like BS and what I call artificial roadblocks. What I mean by artificial roadblocks is excuses that women use that they make out to be independent of their own wishes, such as "Im really busy right now" or "I just dont have time to date right now"...neither of these are remotely true, its obvious theyre not true, and its really just a way to try and shed the responsibility of turning someone down. You WOULD go out with them if it wasnt some exterior force preventing you from doing it, right? lol No, youre not interested, which is totally fine, but just say that. We're not stupid, 'its not you its me' and variations of the like are transparent, and give us the impression that not only do you think Im dumb enough to believe that, but you dont even have enough respect for me as a human being to tell me anything close to the truth. I get that being put on the spot is awkward, but this is NOT the way to handle it, neither is... Dont give guys your number, and then not call them back or answer calls/texts. Why are you wasting our time? Why do I want to work up enough nerve to ask your number, get excited when you give it to me, and then make a nerve-racking call or send a text that leaves me on edge...to be totally ignored because you were never interested! That feels HORRIBLE, far worse than a girl saying "im not interested" when you try and get her number. Quick, honest, straightfoward rejection is the best for everyone. Like Ive said before, it sucks to be turned down, but it sucks even more when youve been given a sliver of hope and then had it snatched from you without warning. Just tell guys right then and there how you feel, and theyll respect you a lot more, and dating will be easier for everyone. I talk to friends all the time who absolutely LOATH women for BS'ing them and leading them on so they didnt have to feel guilty about turning them down. Youre rejecting the guy either way, so why not do it the way anyone would want it to happen to them? I dont think anyone, man or woman, likes hearing 'its not you its me' or 'i cant date right now' excuses, or being given a # that will never be answered or sending a text that will go unreplied to. I always try and put myself in the shoes of whoever I have to turn down, its not fun for anyone. 1
WhiteChocolate Posted May 12, 2012 Posted May 12, 2012 Yea I wish other women were smarter about dating, but what can we do. And I'm not about to make excuses for anyone, but maybe try seeing it from their view. If a girl you aren't interested in asks for your number, it's really hard to say no. It's flattering, and you honestly feel bad if you just tell them to their faces. And since many people just think it's easier to go with the flow and deal with consequences later....yea.
Author BCCA Posted May 12, 2012 Author Posted May 12, 2012 WhiteChocolate, I totally get why people give out their number when they arent interested. I get it - it would be far less awkward at the time, you wont have to feel bad about it, and you feel good for making the person's day probably. But what about later? The person IS going to use this number, and DOES not have the idea that youre interested, when youre not. Now, youve essentially led them on...which makes the rejection WORSE by a thousand percent. The easiest rejection to deal with is a quick and direct rejection, the ones that take you a day or so to realize happened are like pulling a knife out of your back slowly. I get why women handle it that way, nobody likes feeling guilty or put on the spot, but its not helping anyone to be indirect or pretend to be interested to save yourself some guilt at the expense of someone else. Just my 2 cents...I know a LOT of guys that are really getting frustrated with women in general because of the way they handle this, so Im just trying to let women know. Guys are onto the excuses and it makes it way way worse lol
Necromancer Posted May 12, 2012 Posted May 12, 2012 Yea i remember one time when i asked girl out at work, she gave me her number then when i called her 3 days later, she canceled the call when she knew who i was. I didn´t get angry....just disappointed. If she had just said "no" i would have appreciate her honesty and left it at that.
El Brujo Posted May 12, 2012 Posted May 12, 2012 FWIW I never have a problem being honest with women. If I'm not interested, I don't need to fake anything.
matte123 Posted May 12, 2012 Posted May 12, 2012 Honesty usually work on guys from my experience except one time when this guy refused to take "no" as an answer and kept on asking me if I would go out with him. I think he was hoping that by asking me many times, I would feel pressured to say "yes." We were at a public place, too...
NeverDated Posted May 12, 2012 Posted May 12, 2012 Yea I wish other women were smarter about dating, but what can we do. And I'm not about to make excuses for anyone, but maybe try seeing it from their view. If a girl you aren't interested in asks for your number, it's really hard to say no. It's flattering, and you honestly feel bad if you just tell them to their faces. And since many people just think it's easier to go with the flow and deal with consequences later....yea. It makes sense, but it's cruel. The first time as a grown woman I had to reject a guy (he asked me out via text), I asked my daddy what to do. And he said, "Thank him for the offer and tell him you're not interested." I must have argued how cruel that was for 5 minutes before he finally explained that a quick, no-nonsense, no-excuses rejection was the same as pulling a band-aid off. Stings like a mutha, but then it's over.
carhill Posted May 12, 2012 Posted May 12, 2012 Yea I wish other women were smarter about dating, but what can we do. And I'm not about to make excuses for anyone, but maybe try seeing it from their view. If a girl you aren't interested in asks for your number, it's really hard to say no. It's flattering, and you honestly feel bad if you just tell them to their faces. And since many people just think it's easier to go with the flow and deal with consequences later....yea. This is outside of my life experience, in general. If a woman who is a stranger comes up and starts up a conversation and asks for my number (never happened but let's assume), why would I summarily 'not be interested in her'? I don't even know her. I suppose this is to mean that attraction is immediate and superficial, and perhaps it is that way for many people, but is outside my life experience. I've experienced the gamut of rejection, from the brutally honest brush-off to the passive-aggressive attention seeking string-along. I found, retrospectively that, all else being equal, I respected those women more who were brutally honest with me, and some went on to become good friends, based upon that respect. So, in that vein, I feel my experience and perspective aligns with the thread title.
TheFinalWord Posted May 12, 2012 Posted May 12, 2012 (edited) After reading a couple threads, and having a long talk with a buddy of mine about the struggles of dating, I just have a couple comments from men to women about rejection. First, its perfectly fine if you dont like a guy. Nobody would advocate giving everyone that asks you out a chance, and you certainly should keep some personal standards. It goes both ways, and everyone has had at least a few people attracted to them that they didnt like, and they had to turn them down. No, its not fun for either, but there are ways to handle it that make it easier for everyone. Guys dont like BS and what I call artificial roadblocks. What I mean by artificial roadblocks is excuses that women use that they make out to be independent of their own wishes, such as "Im really busy right now" or "I just dont have time to date right now"...neither of these are remotely true, its obvious theyre not true, and its really just a way to try and shed the responsibility of turning someone down. You WOULD go out with them if it wasnt some exterior force preventing you from doing it, right? lol No, youre not interested, which is totally fine, but just say that. We're not stupid, 'its not you its me' and variations of the like are transparent, and give us the impression that not only do you think Im dumb enough to believe that, but you dont even have enough respect for me as a human being to tell me anything close to the truth. I get that being put on the spot is awkward, but this is NOT the way to handle it, neither is... Dont give guys your number, and then not call them back or answer calls/texts. Why are you wasting our time? Why do I want to work up enough nerve to ask your number, get excited when you give it to me, and then make a nerve-racking call or send a text that leaves me on edge...to be totally ignored because you were never interested! That feels HORRIBLE, far worse than a girl saying "im not interested" when you try and get her number. Quick, honest, straightfoward rejection is the best for everyone. Like Ive said before, it sucks to be turned down, but it sucks even more when youve been given a sliver of hope and then had it snatched from you without warning. Just tell guys right then and there how you feel, and theyll respect you a lot more, and dating will be easier for everyone. I talk to friends all the time who absolutely LOATH women for BS'ing them and leading them on so they didnt have to feel guilty about turning them down. Youre rejecting the guy either way, so why not do it the way anyone would want it to happen to them? I dont think anyone, man or woman, likes hearing 'its not you its me' or 'i cant date right now' excuses, or being given a # that will never be answered or sending a text that will go unreplied to. I always try and put myself in the shoes of whoever I have to turn down, its not fun for anyone. I agree it would be nice. But until this sinks into the female population... 1) Don't get your hopes up about any girl you just met. Even on a first date. Yeah, I know she's beautiful etc., but a lot of women are nice on a first date whether they like you or not. Don't get "hooked" on any girl until at least 5 dates. I'm not saying to be jaded or non-trusting, just guard your heart. Look at her actions. Does she welcome your advances with action? Does she ever initiate? Does she invest in getting to know you at all? If not, she is either playing hard to get or she isn't that interested, if at all. Don't expect her to give you any honest response. Her honest response comes from her actions. And do not try to "talk" her into liking you or play knight in shining armor when you see her actions not coinciding with typical behavior of a woman that is into a man. 2) If the girl is putting out shady behavior, red flag. Back off big time. In today's society, it is way too easy to keep in communication. 99.9% chance she didn't lose her cell phone or not see your text. If this really were the case, she will eventually contact you if she likes you and give you alternate ways to get a hold of her to prevent you thinking she's shady. We all have e-mail, cell, social media, etc. 3) If you put your feelers out there and get a cold reception, back off. If a girl likes you, she will make it easy on you 9 times out of 10. If you open a line of communication or express interest, she will reciprocate. If not, don't pursue. Overall, when interacting with a woman think back to examples of successful beginning interactions with an ex-gf. Did you have any of these problems with her? Dead silence, shady behavior, etc. at the beginning? No. In general, don't expect a man's preference for communication (forward and direct) from a woman. Women communicate in very non-linear ways. They are very much into chemistry...and it's not all physical. We've seen many examples of women who say they have had insane chemistry with men who are far from ripped male models. Chemistry is dynamic and often you only get one chance to provide that spark, ex. flowing communication, humor, charm, confidence, and physical attractiveness all in one kitten caboodle. There's been many dates where I knew my game was off and I wanted another chance to show her that I have more to offer. But women seldom give it. They all want that fairy tale, swept off their feet, dream first encounter with their future husband. If you mess up that romantic notion, you're toast lol First impressions matter big time with a woman. So if she is acting shady and you know you were off your game on the first date, just give it a rest. Just my 2 cents! Edited May 12, 2012 by TheFinalWord
ScreamingTrees Posted May 12, 2012 Posted May 12, 2012 Would it be best to walk up to an attractive woman and confidently tell her you think she's very attractive and that you'd like to get to know her? Would that be too straight forward for the average attention whore? I guess it's better to get turned down by 20 of.. "those.. to get to the one person looking for the same things that you are.
d'Arthez Posted May 12, 2012 Posted May 12, 2012 Would it be best to walk up to an attractive woman and confidently tell her you think she's very attractive and that you'd like to get to know her? Would that be too straight forward for the average attention whore? If the bolded bit is your perception, better to not even bother.
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