Does anyone on here have a spouse with Borderline Personality Disorder?

[wilsonx]

If you want to help your husband, the best thing you can do is separate from him. Dont shove any diagnosis down his throat or say hes BPD, NPD, etc.

 

While you love him and your kids love him, he needs space to figure out things on his own. The more you are hanging around, pressuring him, the worse its going to get for you and your family.

 

Figure out an exit strategy and work it. If he wants help, he will get it on his own. I assure you if you tell him something is wrong with him, hes just going to dismiss it.

 

To me, it looks like a midlife crisis. Seen it a million times.

[alexandria35]

Kathy I don't think people should take take their marriage vows lightly either nor do I think that people should end their marriage at the first sign of trouble, however people with BPD/NPD are in a league of their own. They may not be physically abusive but they are usually very mentally and emotionally abusive. The people who love them usually come away damaged and deeply wounded. Did you know that many therapists who deal specifically with personality disordered people go into therapy themselves just to help them cope with their patients and stay grounded? This is not a problem like a physical illness or financial hardship or any other of the many problems that people might encounter throughout there marriage. Saying that the OP should just get her husband some professional help sounds good in theory but it can be almost impossible to convince these people that they need help and even the ones who do get therapy sometimes aren't really committed to it and so they just continue to play manipulative games with the therapist and with their loved ones. They will sometimes even use what they have learned in therapy to improve their ability to manipulate and abuse. I'm not sure you realize how incredibly difficult it is to cope or to help someone with this disorder. And the very worst damage is always done to the children. I mentioned a website in my first post on this thread called bpdfamily. There have been many many people there who have posted about the longterm effects of having been raised by a bpd/npd parent. These children often grow into adults who have multiple problems and usually require some years of therapy themselves to recover.

 

To the OP I would say the most important thing for you do right now is to tend to your own mental health. Get yourself into therapy, talk to your kids, see if maybe they could benefit from some counselling. Weather you stay or go, don't make your whole life about helping him because that just sucks you in even deeper and it doesn't work anyways. It's like trying to talk an alcoholic into not drinking anymore. Alcoholics have to hit a bottom before they will seek help and the same applies to the BPD person. As a matter of fact you can use a lot of the Alanon principles when dealing with a personality disordered person. Set boundaries for yourself, don't pin your daily happiness on whatever his state of mind is in for the day, don't stop living your life, and above all tend to the kids and do whatever you can to lessen his impact on them.

[KathyM]

Kathy I don't think people should take take their marriage vows lightly either nor do I think that people should end their marriage at the first sign of trouble, however people with BPD/NPD are in a league of their own. They may not be physically abusive but they are usually very mentally and emotionally abusive. The people who love them usually come away damaged and deeply wounded. Did you know that many therapists who deal specifically with personality disordered people go into therapy themselves just to help them cope with their patients and stay grounded? This is not a problem like a physical illness or financial hardship or any other of the many problems that people might encounter throughout there marriage. Saying that the OP should just get her husband some professional help sounds good in theory but it can be almost impossible to convince these people that they need help and even the ones who do get therapy sometimes aren't really committed to it and so they just continue to play manipulative games with the therapist and with their loved ones. They will sometimes even use what they have learned in therapy to improve their ability to manipulate and abuse. I'm not sure you realize how incredibly difficult it is to cope or to help someone with this disorder. And the very worst damage is always done to the children. I mentioned a website in my first post on this thread called bpdfamily. There have been many many people there who have posted about the longterm effects of having been raised by a bpd/npd parent. These children often grow into adults who have multiple problems and usually require some years of therapy themselves to recover.

 

To the OP I would say the most important thing for you do right now is to tend to your own mental health. Get yourself into therapy, talk to your kids, see if maybe they could benefit from some counselling. Weather you stay or go, don't make your whole life about helping him because that just sucks you in even deeper and it doesn't work anyways. It's like trying to talk an alcoholic into not drinking anymore. Alcoholics have to hit a bottom before they will seek help and the same applies to the BPD person. As a matter of fact you can use a lot of the Alanon principles when dealing with a personality disordered person. Set boundaries for yourself, don't pin your daily happiness on whatever his state of mind is in for the day, don't stop living your life, and above all tend to the kids and do whatever you can to lessen his impact on them.

Yes, I do know it is hard on therapists to treat the more difficult clients. Because of that, therapists are often expected to seek their own individual therapy, as well as engage in self care so they don't get burnt out by working with the problems of others. I also know that personality disorders are often harder to treat than other types of mental disorders. I would also agree that it may be difficult to get them to seek help, in which case, an ultimatum may be in order (i.e., "I can't live like this. There is something wrong here. I see you not having any control over your emotions and temper, and going from loving me one minute to hating me the next. Something is wrong here, and we need professional help with this.) She needs to insist on counseling, and not back down. If he is not willing to get counseling, then I don't see a problem with her leaving him, but she should make the effort to get him into IC to help him with this. If he has BPD, he probably does know that something is not right, that he doesn't like the way he is feeling, but doesn't know what it is or what to do about it, so he continues to take it out on his partner. She may want to separate while he gets help, but I do think she should try to get him some help if that is at all possible. He's not going to get better on his own. He needs professional help, and I do believe, as his wife, she has an obligation to see that he gets it, whether or not she ultimately decides to leave him.