Does anyone on here have a spouse with Borderline Personality Disorder?

May 12, 2012

I'm reading the book, "How to Stop Walking on Eggshells" and so much of it fits my husband to a tee. I also think he has narcissistic (sp?) personalitiy disorder. I've spent so much time pacifying him so our home life would be good. But something in me just can't do it anymore. I'm not sure if I'm in a mid-life thing or what. The other day I asked him if he had an insurance card bc mine wasn't in my wallet and he BLEW. Started screaming at me that he didn't have it and basically I was stupid for not having a filing system for it. He was mad because when they came in the mail, it was addressed to him so I left it on his desk, he said that it was my job to be responsible for it. Anyway as these episodes happen now I realize I can't do it any more. I need to solve it or get out. It's like the blow-ups are coming faster and closer together. I can't pacify or make excuses any more. His drinking is out of control. There's too much, but there is also too much of a relationship to just walk away, which, frankly, is my first instinct. Any insight into how you deal with a spouse with this would be helpful. I'm at the end and am holding on by a thread. I'm also terrified he'll be awful in a divorce. He told me that he'd see to it if I ever left that I would be in a one bedroom apartment with our kids and I asked if he would seriously sacrifice our children's happiness to spite me and he said, "most definitely".

May 12, 2012

Get out. It is one thing to have bouts of emotional randomness (I'll leave it at that; unless you are a qualified professional you cannot make a good diagnosis), it is another when he obviously thinks there is nothing wrong with that.

Contact a divorce lawyer, and see what needs to be done. Don't expect him to stop at anything either. And start documenting things and behaviour, as you may need proof in court.

May 12, 2012

i wouldn't worry about any diagnosis or reading books. it doesn't help and it doesn't matter.

let's just call it what it is. he's a mean old drunk

i stayed with one for many years. he never changed. i feel bad saying that as he is dead now. but it was what it was.

figure out what you need to do to end this safely for you and your kids and do it. see an attorney, figure out where you are going to live and how to pay for it, etc.

May 12, 2012

Yeah, he did exhibit these signs when we were dating. He just managed to hide them better and his "up" swings are so charming and his "down" swings were farther and further between that I was able to make more excuses and generalize his behavior: "all boyfriends/husbands complain about housework"; "most boyfriends/husbands don't want their gfs/wives to go out"; "most people fight about x, y, and z". I didn't realize that his characteristics were so off from everyone else in the intent and the intensity until they got more exaggerated (slowly over 23 years and when it happens slowly you accept it day-by-day). Also I was only 21 when this all started. Then you know, life happened. and I should have gotten out 500 different times. But then we got a cat, bought a house, had kids, blah, blah, blah. Now the drinking has escalated, the pattern is quickening, and I'm older and more ornery. I'm not letting him isolate me. I go out with friends. He has had a very hard time with it but I've stopped asking and just tell him, like he tells me. I'm not exactly qualified to diagnose, but I do have a degree in psych with a minor in sociology and pursued graduate work in it. I know I'm not objective when dealing with him however.

And yes, I do think that it boils down to, 'he's a mean old drunk'. He used to be a happy drunk. Now he's really, really mean.

Thanks for the advice. It is appreciated. Sometimes I feel like I'm crazy but he is wicked smart and a very good manipulator.

May 12, 2012

Sometimes I feel like I'm crazy but he is wicked smart and a very good manipulator.

That is a very common feeling in abusive situations. Because you live with the guy every day, it is much harder to see things as they really are. You have made a huge emotional investment in this marriage, so it was much harder for you to get out and cut your losses.

Please do what is right for you (and your children, if they are still dependent). Life is too short to walk on eggshells.

May 12, 2012

I've read that book some years ago. I'd also recommend the book "The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans. She talks about how to handle and respond to men who are like that in order to diminish those outbursts. If you suspect that your husband has a mental disorder, then get him some help. He may even be depressed, and that can cause anger outbursts. Encourage him to make an appointment with a counselor, and go with him the first time so you can express your concerns about what you are seeing happen. You would do the same if your parent were experiencing a psychological issue, wouldn't you? Why would you just up and leave a spouse without trying to get him some help? Just for your information, here are the symptoms for Borderline Personality Disorder that are listed in the DSM that counselors use to diagnose mental illnesses:

If he has five or more of the following symptoms, he can be diagnosed with BPD:

1. Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment.

2. A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation.

3. Identity disturbance, unstable self-image or sense of self.

4. Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating).

5. Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats or self-mutilating behavior.

6. Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood.

7. Chronic feelings of emptiness.

8. Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger.

9. Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms.

If he has five or more of these symptoms, he can be diagnosed with BPD. If he doesn't, he may be suffering from depression, and if he is put on medication, such as Prozac, it may make a world of difference in his attitude and behavior. I know women whose husbands were depressed, and when they got their husband some help, he changed dramatically. It was like night and day. I also know men whose wives were suffering from depression, and those women were always in a bad mood, and as soon as they got help, they improved and were much easier to live with. So do see that he gets help. He may be suffering from a mental disorder and needs your help. Don't throw away your marriage without making every effort to resolve the issues involved. Good luck.

May 13, 2012

Glad to see people trying to work through the issues.

It'd be nice to know if there's any way to avoid people w/ personality disorders from the beginning. Or do we all have some sort of personality disorder???

May 13, 2012

It'd be nice to know if there's any way to avoid people w/ personality disorders from the beginning. Or do we all have some sort of personality disorder???

That depends on how broadly or narrowly you define "personality disorder". Estimates vary wildly if we go by the standard DSM criteria. Some disorders are more obvious than others. For instance histrionic personality disorder may be easier to spot for the layman than say dependent personality disorder, since our socialization systems are much more geared towards promoting that one.

Since people in general have negative views of personality disorders, the sufferer usually tries to hide the disorder by feigning normalcy. Most normal people do fit in with one or two criteria for one or more personality disorders. Read up on HPD, and tell me how many people do not fit / have never fitted one or two criteria for it? As always thread with caution, not paranoia.

May 13, 2012

Yeah, he did exhibit these signs when we were dating. He just managed to hide them better and his "up" swings are so charming and his "down" swings were farther and further between that I was able to make more excuses and generalize his behavior: "all boyfriends/husbands complain about housework"; "most boyfriends/husbands don't want their gfs/wives to go out"; "most people fight about x, y, and z". I didn't realize that his characteristics were so off from everyone else in the intent and the intensity until they got more exaggerated (slowly over 23 years and when it happens slowly you accept it day-by-day). Also I was only 21 when this all started. Then you know, life happened. and I should have gotten out 500 different times. But then we got a cat, bought a house, had kids, blah, blah, blah. Now the drinking has escalated, the pattern is quickening, and I'm older and more ornery. I'm not letting him isolate me. I go out with friends. He has had a very hard time with it but I've stopped asking and just tell him, like he tells me. I'm not exactly qualified to diagnose, but I do have a degree in psych with a minor in sociology and pursued graduate work in it. I know I'm not objective when dealing with him however.

And yes, I do think that it boils down to, 'he's a mean old drunk'. He used to be a happy drunk. Now he's really, really mean.

Thanks for the advice. It is appreciated. Sometimes I feel like I'm crazy but he is wicked smart and a very good manipulator.

Hi SG,

Wow . . . you have a plateful of husband issues.

I'm going to have to agree with what Sarah said. It doesn't matter what the DSM-IV manual says about your husband frankly. It comes down to how you feel about how he treats you and based on what you wrote, it's not very good.

I have a near relative who I've believed for years suffers from Borderline Personality Disorder. She has all the symptoms. But she's never been able to see that she's the center of all of her relationship issues.

Look, you already know the answer I presume. You're not in a healthy relationship and it's only going to get worse from this point out.

I just shared this with someone else on loveshack the other day who posted about her live-in boyfriend of two years becoming a mean and ornery drunk . . . I told her it will just get worse over time. I've seen it far too many times working in the law enforcement profession. I advised her to get out now and not "hope for it to change" because it won't. You're an advanced copy of this girl. I'm sure you had hoped that when you saw these "little personality flaws" when you dated this guy, you figured it probably won't get any worse but it always does.

Personality disorders are bad enough. Those abusing alcohol or drugs on the side just complicates things that much more, but at the heart of it none of that matters. He treats you terrible and that's why you need to get out.

What he is doing to you falls under verbal, mental, and psychological abuse. And I hope there's not any physical abuse going on, but some of these guys know where to stop, lest they end up in jail.

By my addition you're now 44 years old. Life is still awfully young for you SG. Don't waste it on a man who is treating you this way! Gosh, if I had a buck for every woman I've said this too, only to find they stuck another 5, 10, or 15 years into the blasted relationship before finally getting out, I'd be rich.

It's not your job as his wife to analyze him or be his therapist. It's your job to be in a safe mutually respectful domestic environment.

May 13, 2012

he may be suffering from depression, and if he is put on medication, such as Prozac, it may make a world of difference in his attitude and behavior. I know women whose husbands were depressed, and when they got their husband some help, he changed dramatically. It was like night and day. I also know men whose wives were suffering from depression, and those women were always in a bad mood, and as soon as they got help, they improved and were much easier to live with. So do see that he gets help. He may be suffering from a mental disorder and needs your help. Don't throw away your marriage without making every effort to resolve the issues involved. Good luck.

I'm going to take a different side on this. I know you're studying to be in the profession Kathy but I'm going to respectfully disagree.

First off, I've handled many of these types of imbalanced domestic relationships and what the spouse who is "normal" becomes is a babysitter to make sure that the spouse with the disorder is "taking their meds" and staying on their program. So, she goes from wife to nursemaid. That isn't what she signed up for when she married this guy.

Trust me, I'm the guy putting mental health commitment holds on them and transporting them to a hospital. These drugs are not a magical cure.

Then, after sticking another 5 years into the relationship and approaching 50, SG will finally realize that she wasted another segment of her life with this guy that she can't ever get back.

Moreover, there are numerous studies out right now that point to anti-depressants meds leading to suicidal thoughts and tendencies.

CNN.com - Paging Dr. Gupta Blog

ER Visits for Drug-Related Suicide Attempts Up in Men

And they've found that anti-anxiety meds are leading to sudden death in users.

Sleeping Pills and Anti-Anxiety Drugs Increase Risk of Death | Worldhealth.net Anti-Aging News

We have a problem in this country where we want to just medicate everyone back to normal. We're doing it to our young kids, our teenagers and our adults. When it comes to mood altering drugs, we are the most overly-medicated populace on the planet.

I'm a very pro-marriage person. But I also recognize that there are individuals who will likely never change and to be honest, after 23 years of this nonsense, it's not your job to be his wife, his nurse, his therapist, and his babysitter. You signed up for just "wife." Cut your losses with this guy and move on while you're still a young woman.

Edited May 13, 2012 by The Blue Knight

May 13, 2012

I'm going to take a different side on this. I know you're studying to be in the profession Kathy but I'm going to respectfully disagree.

First off, I've handled many of these types of imbalanced domestic relationships and what the spouse who is "normal" becomes is a babysitter to make sure that the spouse with the disorder is "taking their meds" and staying on their program. So, she goes from wife to nursemaid. That isn't what she signed up for when she married this guy.

Trust me, I'm the guy putting mental health commitment holds on them and transporting them to a hospital. These drugs are not a magical cure.

Then, after sticking another 5 years into the relationship and approaching 50, SG will finally realize that she wasted another segment of her life with this guy that she can't ever get back.

Moreover, there are numerous studies out right now that point to anti-depressants meds leading to suicidal thoughts and tendencies.

CNN.com - Paging Dr. Gupta Blog

ER Visits for Drug-Related Suicide Attempts Up in Men

And they've found that anti-anxiety meds are leading to sudden death in users.

Sleeping Pills and Anti-Anxiety Drugs Increase Risk of Death | Worldhealth.net Anti-Aging News

We have a problem in this country where we want to just medicate everyone back to normal. We're doing it to our young kids, our teenagers and our adults. When it comes to mood altering drugs, we are the most overly-medicated populace on the planet.

I'm a very pro-marriage person. But I also recognize that there are individuals who will likely never change and to be honest, after 23 years of this nonsense, it's not your job to be his wife, his nurse, his therapist, and his babysitter. You signed up for just "wife." Cut your losses with this guy and move on while you're still a young woman.

how did you get so smart?

it's true though in the us, pills are pushed at everyone for anything.

i can just imagine an alcoholic on prozac. that is just a disaster waiting to happen.

it is up to the alcoholic to get help and want to change and until they do, nothing and nobody can help them.

i think the op has given him 20 plus years worth of chances and sometimes you just got to say enough is enough and cut your loses and get out.

i wish i had a hopeful outcome for these types of things but frankly i have never seen one.

i did all the same things for 20 years. i read books, watched oprah, drug him to counseling, sent him to rehab, tried to be understanding and analyzed his problems. it accomplished nothing.

to op, i think you really have to ask yourself why you are still with him after all this time and nothing has changed.

May 13, 2012

That depends on how broadly or narrowly you define "personality disorder". Estimates vary wildly if we go by the standard DSM criteria. Some disorders are more obvious than others. For instance histrionic personality disorder may be easier to spot for the layman than say dependent personality disorder, since our socialization systems are much more geared towards promoting that one.

Since people in general have negative views of personality disorders, the sufferer usually tries to hide the disorder by feigning normalcy. Most normal people do fit in with one or two criteria for one or more personality disorders. Read up on HPD, and tell me how many people do not fit / have never fitted one or two criteria for it? As always thread with caution, not paranoia.

Very well put, thanks!

I'll try to continue to practice caution with regards to this matter. I'm coming out of a situation, not marriage, but I really have grown tired of starting over. I really don't want to end up having to see all these issues in my husband once we're years into the relationship...shucks... Hence divorce...

May 13, 2012

how did you get so smart?

it's true though in the us, pills are pushed at everyone for anything.

i can just imagine an alcoholic on prozac. that is just a disaster waiting to happen.

it is up to the alcoholic to get help and want to change and until they do, nothing and nobody can help them.

i think the op has given him 20 plus years worth of chances and sometimes you just got to say enough is enough and cut your loses and get out.

i wish i had a hopeful outcome for these types of things but frankly i have never seen one.

i did all the same things for 20 years. i read books, watched oprah, drug him to counseling, sent him to rehab, tried to be understanding and analyzed his problems. it accomplished nothing.

to op, i think you really have to ask yourself why you are still with him after all this time and nothing has changed.

Sarah, thanks for your comments. What you wrote in bold is what every individual . . . male and female needs to pay attention too if they are in one of these abnormal dysfunctional relationships.

I've seen this so many times. I'm still dealing with spouses who have stayed "trying to fix" their spouse after 10 or 20 years and they are still under the false illusion that they may be able to somehow get their spouse straightened out. It's sad. It's unfair, and it's a waste of someone's life.

Guilt plays with our minds and keeps us believing that we have to stay and "work it out" but in the end IF THE SPOUSE DOESN'T INVEST in changing their own behavior, you can't fix them.

May 13, 2012

Glad to see people trying to work through the issues.

It'd be nice to know if there's any way to avoid people w/ personality disorders from the beginning. Or do we all have some sort of personality disorder???

We all have our quirks and our idiosyncrasies. These are personality qualities that are unique to each of us just as our fingerprints are completely unique. Those don't typically rise to the level of personality disorders obviously.

For me it comes down to whether a person is "functional" or "dysfunctional" . . . whether than can think rationally or are they often contemplating things irrationally?

We all know those individuals who can't think rationally. They make one life-decision after the next that goes against common sense and sound reasoning. They are simply dysfunctional human beings. They will likely never get better. They will have a pattern of dysfunctional thinking for the remainder of their lives.

May 14, 2012

Hi SG, I'm not married but I do believe my last partner of 8 years had/has a personality disorder. He mainly exhibited bpd traits with some narcissitic traits peppered in. He never had any kind of diagnosis that I'm aware of and I'm certainly not qualified to diagnose anyone but my ex definitely has major personality issues, regardless of any official diagnosis.

I had some of the best times of my life with this man. I love him dearly and probably always will, but the cost of being with him was just too high. When he would have one of his episodes I felt like I was being dragged to the depths of hell. Oh occassionally he would have a short outburst and then just get over it but often his darkness would descend on me for days. At those times he was the nastiest ugliest person I had ever encountered. I would be in awe of the truly ghastly things he would say to me. Besides the rages we had substance abuse, which was mainly pot but also included some drinking, out of control spending. And I mean the way he spent money would leave me speechless. Double standards, outrageous accusations and unwarranted jealousy. He was simply impossible to live with. Nothing I ever did was good enough. He consistenly accused me of not loving him while I was totally doing back flips to please him. I tried to anticipate his every need and was always walking on eggshells and hiding my true feelings so as not to set him off. It was CRAZY! And I was crazy for believing I could change him or love him into a normal partner.

I read the book "Stop Walking on Eggshells" and it was helpful, although I never was very good at setting boundaries and sticking to them. I also participated on a forum called BPD Family. It was called something else back then and it really helped me to seperate myself from our crazy relationship.You might want to check it out as there are tons of people there who can relate to what you are going through. I couldn't stay with my partner. I knew he was never going to get better and I was only going to suffer more and more. The end was heartbreaking for me, not only because I loved him so much but also because the very nature of our relationship unleashed my own codependancy issues. The period of recovery and healing was very difficult for me and I still struggle sometimes.

You mentioned that you have children with him. Do you think you're marriage is healthy for the kids? I'm not implying that it's not but It's something to consider. My ex had an a 11 year old son when I met him and that poor kid was an uptight ball of nerves around his dad. Luckily for him he lived with his mother and only had to spend weekends with his father. My ex didn't physically abuse the boy but he was very hard on him and I could see that he had a huge effect on the kid mentally. I felt very bad for him sometimes. Knowing what a difficult time I had coping with my ex as an adult, I can only imagine how horrible it would be for a kid.

May 15, 2012

You need to get out of this marriage now; not only will he destroy you emotionally and psychologically over time, he will also damage the children. I endured such a selfish moron for 23 years--by the end of 23 years, I had developed major depression/anxiety and become anorexic, then bulimic. I almost died. The only regret is that I didn't get out sooner.

Here's a site I saw recently--it has a lot of infomation, resources, and help for victims of emotional abuse--a really thorough article on emotional abuse and abusers; you will see yourself and your abuser in this article:

Emotional Abusers | Abusers and Bullies

May 15, 2012

Thanks for the responses. Reading and re-reading them. There is a lot to absorb in what everyone has written. Thank you all, again. I'm sure I'll have more responses to points as I go over the posts.

the reason I stay is primarily the kids (young-ish: older elementary school). I stay for them and I think I should get the hell out for them. they love their dad, but realize something is off. I realize now I've been snowballed. Nothing is going to change and it will get worse, just as it has escalted, it will escalate further. Getting out is scary, it won't be civil.

sorry, my shift key is only working intermittently, won't capitalize some letters...wth?? I do actually know how to capitalize apporitately )

May 15, 2012

SG, you have a lot to consider. Kids of course add to the equation. At the same time I believe that kids need stability and it doesn't sound like Dad offers that. You do however.

Kids are survivors. They are resilient as well. My point is don't stay in the marriage for the kids. I'm not sure if you can get custody or not because I don't know where your jurisdiction is or how your family laws are written, but based on what you're posting here, I would think a strong case could be made for just that. Seek out a legal opinion. But be sure to get a good legal adviser. Too many people settle for a fly-by night lawyer and pay for it in the end.

Just some additional thoughts. I hope if works out for you.

May 15, 2012

Kids are survivors. They are resilient as well. My point is don't stay in the marriage for the kids.

Just to add to that: staying may also skew your kids' perceptions of normalcy. They may come to think that such dysfunctional relationships are par for the course.

May 15, 2012

Glad to see people trying to work through the issues.

It'd be nice to know if there's any way to avoid people w/ personality disorders from the beginning. Or do we all have some sort of personality disorder???

Everybody has certain tendencies that you may find in a personality disorder, but in order to be diagnosed with a personality disorder, you normally have to have at least four or five symptoms of it. And there are red flags associated with a particular personality disorder that should deter you from a relationship with that person. There are actually ten different personality disorders described in the diagnostic manual. Here are some of the main symptoms that may indicate a possible personality disorder. If the person has threatened or attempted suicide at one point, that should be a red flag in the person's emotional stability. If a person has excessively impulsive or destructive behavior, that should be a red flag. If a person has anger control problems or is overly reactive or has extreme mood swings, that should be a red flag in a relationship. If a person has an excessive fear of or distrust of others, that should be a red flag. If a person exhibits unlawful behavior or lack of empathy for others, that should be a red flag. If a person exhibits overly dependent or overly needy behavior, that should be a red flag. If a person always seems to need to be the center of attention, that should be a red flag. If a person has an overly-inflated opinion of himself, that should be a red flag. If a person is overly controlling or inflexible, that should be a red flag. A lot of this is common sense of things to be concerned about if the person you are dating is exhibiting any of these symptoms. People who have an actual personality disorder really can't disguise the symptoms over a long period of time, since it is a part of them and is pervasive. If you know them long enough, let's say a year, you will undoubtedly see signs that something is not right about them. The problem is, people tend to sometimes ignore red flags about someone because they like other aspects of that person, and they try to convince themselves that the negatives don't matter or are something they can live with, but if a person does have an actual personality disorder, the symptoms will cause problems eventually. When people see these red flags, they should consider ending the relationship, because it will likely not be a stable one in the long term, unless the person gets a lot of counseling to help them overcome their issues. Of course, when a person is married to someone with a personality disorder, I don't think that means you bail on the marriage. IMO, marriage is supposed to be in sickness and in health, for better or for worse, until death. If a person has a physical illness, it would not be right to abandon them. I don't see a mental illness as a legitimate reason either. Many mental illnesses can be treated with proper medication and therapy. I know a man with Bipolar Disorder who is on medication and has a wonderful marriage. I know people who have suffered from depression who are on medication and are wonderful spouses. I also know people with personality disorders who have successful marriages. Even though personality disorders are harder to treat than other mental disorders, it is possible to treat them. Treatment results will vary, of course, but my point is that, while negative symptoms should certainly cause a person to question the feasibility of dating such a person or entering into a relationship with them, once married I believe a spouse has an obligation to see that their spouse gets help, and to stand by them and help them to overcome the illness, just like they would if a spouse has a physical illness. Lots of people bail on a spouse when he/she becomes seriously physically ill. I don't think that's what marriage is all about, but I guess I'm one of the few that takes marriage very seriously, and only considers the most serious stuff as grounds for divorce, such as infidelity, physical abuse, or violent/unlawful behavior. As far as other stuff, I believe in helping your spouse to overcome the problems he is struggling with. I'm sure I'm in the minority on this, that believes in staying in a marriage, and helping each other to overcome whatever issues each partner has, unless that involves infidelity, which breaks the covenant of marriage, or unless the person is being physically harmed or the partner is a criminal.

May 15, 2012

Just to add to that: staying may also skew your kids' perceptions of normalcy. They may come to think that such dysfunctional relationships are par for the course.

Exactly, and it's the "environment" that the children grow up in and are exposed too that often reflects on what their own values become later in life.

May 15, 2012

I believe in helping your spouse to overcome the problems he is struggling with. I'm sure I'm in the minority on this, that believes in staying in a marriage, and helping each other to overcome whatever issues each partner has, unless that involves infidelity, which breaks the covenant of marriage, or unless the person is being physically harmed or the partner is a criminal.

I think that's noble thinking Kathy and I would never fault someone who felt like they wanted to stay and help their spouse work it out. I was under the impression that the OP has tried to work with her husband on his issues, and assuming that's the case, how much more should she endure?

You know as well as I do that if someone doesn't want to seek help for their issues then there's not a thing you can do to change them, or "fix them" as the old saying goes.

I'm very pro-marriage as anyone can tell by my postings, but I'm also a realist and having seen too many of these over 20 years I just don't want to see this poor woman dump another five or ten years into this guy if he's not interested in taking responsibility for his own behavior. After 23 years, what are the odds he's really interested in changing?

And that's assuming it's even a mental disorder. At this point it's pure speculation. It could be he's just a cruel, self-absorbed, selfish jerk!

May 15, 2012

I think that's noble thinking Kathy and I would never fault someone who felt like they wanted to stay and help their spouse work it out. I was under the impression that the OP has tried to work with her husband on his issues, and assuming that's the case, how much more should she endure?

You know as well as I do that if someone doesn't want to seek help for their issues then there's not a thing you can do to change them, or "fix them" as the old saying goes.

I'm very pro-marriage as anyone can tell by my postings, but I'm also a realist and having seen too many of these over 20 years I just don't want to see this poor woman dump another five or ten years into this guy if he's not interested in taking responsibility for his own behavior. After 23 years, what are the odds he's really interested in changing?

And that's assuming it's even a mental disorder. At this point it's pure speculation. It could be he's just a cruel, self-absorbed, selfish jerk!

I think she's been trying to get him to change on her own, or without him being properly diagnosed. If people don't know what they are dealing with and don't get the proper treatment, that person is not going to change. That is why they need a professional diagnosis and professional therapy. Whether or not she decides to stay or leave the guy, she should still try to see that he gets the proper help. I think it's the spouse's obligation to do that, even if she ultimately decides to leave.

May 15, 2012

OP, I'm so sorry you are in this situation. I know from experience how difficult NPD/BPD individuals can be.

If you want to stay with your husband, have a look at Narcissism Cured, Narcissistic Personality Disorder. The woman who wrote it is not a professional, she is someone who suffered many of the same issues that you are dealing with and she now has a great relationship with her husband. I found the programme extremely helpful. It advocates working on yourself and any codependency issues you have, and it teaches how to set boundaries in your relationship and how to cope with an NPD/BPD partner.

As you start to develop emotional intelligence, and take back control of yourself and the relationship, you may decide that leaving is still the best option but the self-development involved and the tools you will learn are all invaluable and will ensure that you never find yourself in the same kind of relationship again.

Unfortunately therapy for the person with NPD/BPD is not as successful as might be hoped. It is common for the 'patient' with manipulative tendancies to use what he/she learns in therapy against their partner and can sometimes make the situation worse.

Whether your are right in your 'diagnosis' or not, the most important thing is to take care of yourself and work on yourself so that you make the best decision for your (and your children's) happiness and safety.

Good luck, whatever you decide to do.

May 16, 2012

OP---If you DO choose the route of divorce---it could potentially get very ugly, as you suspected in your original post.

From what I understand there are some very dirty tactics employed by personality disordered individuals, when it comes down to divorce---false accusations, compulsive lying, painting the other spouse, "black'--

I'd like to recommend doing some reading in advance--if you choose to divorce.

Here's one article I came across---there's a wealth of other helpful information out there as well, which may come in very handy, and spare you from having to deal with the drama getting exponential--

Divorce and the Narcissist - Narcissistic Abuse

I wish you my best, whatever path you choose to take. Dealing with anyone exhibiting any of the Cluster B disorders, can have a very damaging effect on a person's emotional health.

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Does anyone on here have a spouse with Borderline Personality Disorder?

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