Did I do the right thing??

[wellwhynot]

Ok guys, why is everyone feeling so sorry for the poor Married other woman that didn't had her "Goodbye" ? Hell, she is MARRIED.

 

I didn't read anywhere that she promised leaving her H to be with Stone...

 

Am I too bitter or we are victimizing her ?

 

I think maybe too bitter.

 

He asked if he did the right thing. No, he didn't. I'm not victimizing her, he never asked will they run off to have a life together, he asked if he was right in not saying goodbye. I think you owe anyone you love that kind of closure.

[woinlove]

I think East makes good points.

 

It is a bit surprising that MW told you she might be separating when you first met, but it didn't happen over the next 7 months - and, furthermore, it seems she never actually said she would leave her M to be with you. If one was on the brink of separating, falling in love with another man, would likely be the tipping point. This reminds me of what MM first told me, and one can read on LS other examples of MM saying at the beginning that they are separated or plan to separate, and then it doesn't happen or isn't true. Maybe her case is different, but this particular scenario (mention separation right at the beginning of the A and then it doesn't materialize) is common - perhaps less so for MW than for MM.

 

I think you should have been honest when you left, but now a month or so later, the question is what should you do now, when MW already knows the basic parameters -- that you are back in Europe and have not contacted her. If she had told you she was leaving her M, with the implication that she then wanted to be with you, I would say you should contact her with your intensions. Since this didn't happen, it is not so clear what is best even from MW's point of view. It kind of depends on whether she wants to (1) divorce, (2) stay married and continue having an A with you, or (3) stay M and end the A with you. From what you write 2 and 3 seem most likely. Unless you want 2, I think staying NC is best for her too.

 

For yourself, you also have to choose between 1,2,3 and it seems you have chosen 3. For that I would advocate honesty with your W, as I think it makes people happier to live an authentic life, and your W might want to make her own decision based on the truth. Also, my view of M is an intimate, romantic and committed partnership, and I don't think it is possible to have that without honesty.

Edited May 13, 2012 by woinlove

[East7]

I think maybe too bitter.

 

He asked if he did the right thing. No, he didn't. I'm not victimizing her, he never asked will they run off to have a life together, he asked if he was right in not saying goodbye. I think you owe anyone you love that kind of closure.

 

Ok, then if all this is about telling Goodbye, it shouldn't be too hard to sit and write an e-mail. And yes, even if he owes her nothing it is more human to end the things in a respectful way with someone you love. My doubt was that he didn't said Goodbye because he wasn't sure about ending things with her.

 

I thought the question of the "right thing" was about ending the A..Sorry if I was off track.

[spice4life]

Ok guys, why is everyone feeling so sorry for the poor Married other woman that didn't had her "Goodbye" ? Hell, she is MARRIED.

 

I didn't read anywhere that she promised leaving her H to be with Stone...

 

Am I too bitter or we are victimizing her ?

 

I get what you're saying east7 and considered that before postng my response. I don't remember reading that he was planning on leaving his marriage either though. If it is siimply a case of falling in love, but staying with their respective spouses, then why not just give her the chance to grieve without leaving the door open a crack. If you make it final with words and follow through with NC then she won't hang onto any hope of ever seeing him again. It will also help him grieve too. Without finality, he is leaving himself vulnerable to possible cave and contact her again when he is feelin weak.

 

But alas, I could be wrong. He should do what is best for him and only he knows what that is.

 

Edited to add: I disappeared on someone once and realized after that they were hanging onto hope that I would come back until I finally made it final with words. I felt horrible for doing that and gave him the closure he needed to let go and move on. Before that, he continually tried to contact me throuugh work and friends. She will stop contacting his brother if shuts the door on it once and for all by telling her himself I think.

Edited May 13, 2012 by spice4life

[woinlove]

I get what you're saying east7 and considered that before postng my response. I don't remember reading that he was planning on leaving his marriage either though. If it is siimply a case of falling in love, but staying with their respective spouses, then why not just give her the chance to grieve without leaving the door open a crack. If you make it final with words and follow through with NC then she won't hang onto any hope of ever seeing him again. It will also help him grieve too. Without finality, he is leaving himself vulnerable to possible cave and contact her again when he is feelin weak.

 

But alas, I could be wrong. He should do what is best for him and only he knows what that is.

 

Edited to add: I disappeared on someone once and realized after that they were hanging onto hope that I would come back until I finally made it final with words. I felt horrible for doing that and gave him the closure he needed to let go and move on. Before that, he continually tried to contact me throuugh work and friends. She will stop contacting his brother if shuts the door on it once and for all by telling her himself I think.

 

It is difficult for anyone to move on until they are ready and it is difficult to make it final if one is still in love. If Stone gave her the truth -- I love you but feel we should not have any contact because we are both married -- I'm not sure that would be closure for her. If she still wants to continue the A, it may actually be reopening the door. I do think if he had told her at the time he was leaving, that would have been good. But now, it might just be sending the message, yes, I am still thinking of you, still in love, but am trying to do what I think is right. Then in any moment of weakness one or the other might attempt contact again and, consequently, keep the A going. Stone says this is not what he wants.

[spice4life]

You're probably right woinlove. Now he just needs to put the finality on it in his own mind. Maybe he is in the bargaining phase of grieving too.

 

What I mean by shutting the door is using words that leave no room for doubt.

[woinlove]

You're probably right woinlove. Now he just needs to put the finality on it in his own mind. Maybe he is in the bargaining phase of grieving too.

 

What I mean by shutting the door is using words that leave no room for doubt.

 

Okay, I see what you meant by shutting the door and doesn't sound like Stoneman is at that stage.

[spice4life]

Okay, I see what you meant by shutting the door and doesn't sound like Stoneman is at that stage.

 

In my case, he didn't stop trying to contact me through whatever means possible until I finally told him there was no shot for us at all, romantically or otherwise. I felt horrible for not telling him that sooner because I did care about him. It was cruel of me in a sense, even though it wasn't my intention.

 

Stoneman, these are just some things to think about for your own peace of mind. When I finally closed the door, it was like a huge weight was lifted off of my shoulders. It enabled me to finally let go too. Even thouh it is painful, giving someone closure is very healing for both involved. You don't see it now because you are afraid of the pain you will feel doing it. But, like woninlove said, it may be too late for that now. You may want to consider it again if she continues to try and contact you through your brother though. Contact through your brother will interfer with your ability to let go too.

[Stoneman70]

Thank you everyone for all this advice. Today I have struggled with wanting to email her to tell her goodbye. I am worried that by emailing, we then will talk again. I also don't have her email, but could get it through my brother. I just dont know. Any way of putting us back into contact is going to make this harder, I feel. When we were together, we both just called andtexted....my US number is now disconnected so if I call her,she will have my new number. It's a mess. I think why i am struggling is because I didn't want this to end...not at all. Neither did she, but she wasn't going to leave her husband. I think I feel that because it was not at the stage where we both said we will divorce, I thought I had to leave. The pain was hard on her too knowing we couldn't eventually marry. I do think she and I need the closure...but I do feel glad she knows I'm oh and living here. I'm glad my brother told her that.

[woinlove]

Thank you everyone for all this advice. Today I have struggled with wanting to email her to tell her goodbye. I am worried that by emailing, we then will talk again. I also don't have her email, but could get it through my brother. I just dont know. Any way of putting us back into contact is going to make this harder, I feel. When we were together, we both just called andtexted....my US number is now disconnected so if I call her,she will have my new number. It's a mess. I think why i am struggling is because I didn't want this to end...not at all. Neither did she, but she wasn't going to leave her husband. I think I feel that because it was not at the stage where we both said we will divorce, I thought I had to leave. The pain was hard on her too knowing we couldn't eventually marry. I do think she and I need the closure...but I do feel glad she knows I'm oh and living here. I'm glad my brother told her that.

 

The bolded is the part I don't really understand as she started out by saying she might separate, almost pulling you into an A with the idea she could soon be single and available. Maybe an A is exactly what she wanted. Some MM/MW talk of marriage to their AP without any real intent.

 

Given MW mixed message and the fact that she isn't going to leave her H, I think you need to focus on yourself now, and if you don't want to resume the A, then I think it is best for you not to contact her as she could respond in a way trying to lure you back into an A and still have no intention of leaving her H. From the information you have posted, I think that is likely.

 

You also have some work to do to figure out what you want to do about your own M and how you want to treat your W.

[Stoneman70]

At first, I thought she was going to separate, then in March she told me that she loved het husband and wanted to work it out with the two of them. We still continued though, but maybe that was why in April, i decided I had to leave. I think I held out hope there wad still a possibility we could be together. Two weeks before i left, I pon.ured out my heart...saying I wished she had never met her husband and how when we where together it was like magic...and how I've never felt this way about any woman. I wanted her to stay the night with me so we could kiss and snuggle..but she had to go. That hurt. She couldnt give me her all....neither could i really. I think this is why I had a hard time telling her goodbye. I was hurt and scared. I just really wish it could have worked out differently.

[woinlove]

At first, I thought she was going to separate, then in March she told me that she loved het husband and wanted to work it out with the two of them. We still continued though, but maybe that was why in April, i decided I had to leave. I think I held out hope there wad still a possibility we could be together. Two weeks before i left, I pon.ured out my heart...saying I wished she had never met her husband and how when we where together it was like magic...and how I've never felt this way about any woman. I wanted her to stay the night with me so we could kiss and snuggle..but she had to go. That hurt. She couldnt give me her all....neither could i really. I think this is why I had a hard time telling her goodbye. I was hurt and scared. I just really wish it could have worked out differently.

 

I am sorry you are hurting. Pouring out your heart and soul and then have her leave presumably to go sleep with her H, sounds painful.

 

I still find it surprising that she made you think she would separate and then over the course of the A, it is as if her M improved and she became more committed to it. I wonder if she just like to have affairs. What I'm seeing is a man in an arranged M, away from his W for a very long time, he meets a MW in a bar and connects, she makes it sound like she might be single soon, they have an A and he falls in love, the MW then says she loves her H and wants to stay M but continues the A. My observation is that MM/MW that behave the way this MW did, may say they love you and mean it in some way, but they are too internally conflicted at best (at worst, they are simply playing/using their AP) to give you the kind of love that actually nurtures and supports you. They are getting their needs met by two people (the spouse and the AP) and are not ready (and may never be) to have only one such partner.

 

I don't know MW and so can't say what feelings she actually has, but she has sent you a clear message that her priority is her M and I think that is something to keep in mind. I am beginning to think that if you contact her, you are opening yourself up for more pain. This is putting aside even what cost might come with the lack of honesty and integrity due to your two respective marriages.

[Stoneman70]

I know she loved/loves me very much...she told me all the time, but I told her first. I know she was conflicted internally too...she was scared. I wanted to take her out to eat, on dates, etc and she was scared. I was too to tell truth....it was very hard from tje beginning. In the back of my mind, I know ill hold out hope we will see each other again...it was just too hard. In her defense too, I hurt her...we would make plans and i would think no we can't do this and cancel. She told me that hurt. I think because it was such a secret love, it was painful for both of us.

[RickFox]

From my perspective, you should have at least sent her a letter or an email if you coudln't talk to her. The affair was wrong, YOU fell in love, she says she loved you but being the jaded person I am now, I wouldn't believe that for a hot minute. She loved how you made her feel at that time.

 

Still, it sure would have been nice to have gotten a nice sit down with my xMW rather than have her turn her back on me when it suited her....she can go F herself....and since you opted to end it the way you did, let it go now... you did what you did and it's done.

 

I believe she'll move on faster than you think...it's you who will be aching for a long time to come....she'll find a new playtoy.

[Stoneman70]

I know it was wrong...but we both fell in love. She didn't treat me like a playtoy...not at all. We loved and love each other very much. We knew it could never be with everything. She wanted us to be together as did I, but it wasn't easy. I think we both gave each other what we wanted most: a love affair we will never forget. Even though I left without telling her an official goodbye, my last memory I have is wonderful: kissing, holding hands, and her blowing me kisses as she left...I was blowing kisses too. We told each other we loved each other. I'll never forget that.

[Stoneman70]

I think I'm going to let things be now. Contact will make me suffer more. I'll never say goodbye in my heart...but I have to say goodbye in a way to see if my wife and I can make our marriage work...