I think I just dodged a bullet...

[thatgirl007]

This is a bit long, but interesting, at least.

 

I've been seeing this guy I met through a friend, which I thought might be even better than online dating, since I had a friend who vouched for him. But, it's turned out to be the worse dating experience of my life.

 

He lives three and a half hours away from me, so this has not been the kind of dating that I'm used to. Still, we have had several dates, daily long phone calls and Skype sessions where I've felt closer and closer to him. Still, I have been hesitant to call us a couple because we haven't spent enough time together despite our growing feelings.

 

This week was supposed to be the first weekend we would spend together - three whole days, instead just a few hours or a day-long date. And we were both really looking forward to it. I was the one driving to stay with him and we had plans to do all sorts of normal things that couples do - like go to the movies, go bowling, curl up on the sofa and watch TV, cook, etc. And - also, this would have been the first weekend that we would have had sex. We've made out lots and talked about things, but have never been in a convienent position to have "our first time". So, we were both pretty excited.

 

When I got there, he was really odd. He was tense, fidgety and kept saying how stressed and tired he was. He kept stomping around the house and rarely seemed to sit still. And there were six or seven instances through out a five-hour period where he snapped at me - accusing me of yelling at him when we were joking around/teasing each other, telling me not to whine when I told him I'd like to go to the grocery store with him and telling me that I was being mean to him. I have wracked my brain to figure this out, but I was being nothing other than my normal self, felt no negative emotion towards him and was just hanging out.

 

I tried to explain to him that I was just joking when he accused me of being mean to him (I was only joking with him in response to his teasing me) and a switch seemed to get triggered and he suddenly turned to me and asked me if I was "f--ing retarded" and then proceeded to explain very slowly how he would not put up with my bs.

 

I was very shocked, but I had just driven almost four hours after working all day and had not slept well the night before and kind of knew that I was "stuck", although my inclination had I been in my city would have been to just go home. So, there I was and things devolved from there.

 

I tried to salvage the night and went upstairs with him and he played his guitar for me, but his face started to change...kind of droop and get harsher. It was a bit like looking at a totally different person, but I thought it was just that he was tired, he had been working all week and had worked from home the weekend before and was stressed out from a real estate deal of his that was turning dodgy. So, I chalked it up to that. We started making out, getting undressed and somewhere in the middle of it all, he got mad at me and told me that I was "touching him too softly" (I was just rubbing his back as we kissed) and he was so harsh when he said it that, coupled with how he had treated me earlier and I just started to feel really anxious and had to back away, which sent him into a fit.

 

He got up and got dressed really fast and stormed down the stairs, saying he needed to "slow things down" and I was just let there feeling ragged and odd and wrung out, but I thought to myself that I know him very well, we've spent the last six months getting to know each other and there was no sign of this. He was the sweetest, most understanding guy I'd ever met.

 

So, I got dressed and went down to try to talk to him. I stepped into the living room and asked him if we could just comfort each other (which was something we frequently said over Skype and on the phone). Bad move. He completely wigged out and started to tell me that I was mean, selfish, it was all about me, me, me and he was tired and miserable and could I just give him a break.

 

I told him that I was going to just go to bed and he asked if I would sleep in the guest room. I said I would and went to that room and barely slept an hour, I was too keyed up to fall asleep.

 

I got up first the next morning and went for a mind-clearing walk, trying to figure out what had gone wrong. I still could not pinpoint anything. When I came back, he was up and taking out the trash and we exhanged a few neutral words then sat down for coffee. Then, he proceeded to chew me up and spit me back out verbally. Everything from the day before was my fault, I was selfish and had no respect for how tired he was and he wanted to know why. Why? Why? Why?

 

I stammered a bit and he stared at me and I started to tell him about working and driving down to see him and being tired and he said he didn't want to hear my bs excuses, he had no respect for that. All he wanted was an apology. I had already apologized profusely the night before, because he was blaming me then and I thought maybe somehow I had done something and could smooth things over. The look in his eyes was odd...and I just thought it might be prudent to apologize again. I could always never speak to him again when I made it safely home. So, I apologized very sincerely but that was not enough. He was still cold and angry and critical and...just odd. He even started to berate me about my manner of speech, my "ums" and "you knows".

 

So, he asked me if I was going to leave. I said that I thought it would be a good idea and he suggested that we get something to eat first. I said nevermind that I would grab something on the way home and hightailed it out of there as fast as I could.

 

When I got home he texted that he was so very sorry that things hadn't gone well this time. I didn't bother to respond.

 

WTF? I can't even figure out what even really happened. Does he have emotional problems or a mood disorder or something? I can't wrap my mind around it. I'm just so very glad to be home. Do you think that just ignoring all future contact from him will be enough? I don't think I want to talk to him again.

[mortensorchid]

YOu did dodge a bullet. Don't try to figure out how or why things were the way they were. Move on.

[firehawk_1]

well remember, he may have been messed around so much in the past as women tend to do this and dont realise the consequences that occurs to men (mood problems, depression, security and everything else)

 

also women tend to play games and mess around and if they dont get their way then "its the highway" and dont hang around to make it work or to even understand someone and to be with them, to make a relationship (commitment).

 

things like this happen but even if you were together with him, or anyone, you would still have problems - its part of life and in a relationship you should work together, despite if its a "chore" to you. you cannot have everything 100%. thats life.

 

if I were you, I would take some time out and then go back to him but baby steps. build it up SLOWLY and then see what happens. at least you are giving it another go and not "giving up" like everyone seems to do these days as its the easiest thing for them to do.

[persevere]

There's something wrong with this guy, beyond the "normal" relationship issues and/or a mood swing from being tired, etc.

What you described hits me as BPD (borderline personality disorder), a subset of bipolar disorder. Trust me fully on this, move on!! I dated a woman who had BPD. I did some research and it had to be that. Instant, unpredictable and extreme mood swings. Completely irrational anger. Delusions. It was absolutely mind boggling. I got out ASAP.

Either that, though less likely, he's on drugs.

[thatgirl007]

YOu did dodge a bullet. Don't try to figure out how or why things were the way they were. Move on.

 

Yeah, I know. It's just hard not to rehash things in my mind and try to sort out what happened. Things seemed awesome for the last six months. Seemed being the key word...

[spiderowl]

Yes, I think you just dodged a bullet. The guy is clearly aggressive and unpredictable. He was rude, abusive, and tried to make out his aggressive and agitated behaviour was somehow your fault. You didn't need to apologise. I can see why you stayed but I think if I had witnessed what you were describing, I would have been out of there. I don't think you were in a safe situation at all.

 

I'm really sorry this happened. I can't understand why here was no indicator of this beforehand. Was there nothing in his messages that pointed to him being unpredictable or having a bullying nature? It's baffling.

 

The only other thing I can think of is that he is a drug user of some kind and he hadn't been able to get his fix. You being there at such a time would have been really difficult for him. It's no excuse for treating you like that and, even if drugs were the explanation, you need to keep away from this guy.

 

Something about the way you tried to smooth things over with him and apologise to him suggests to me that you are used to abuse. I hope not. I hope you will get rid of this guy and not think in any way that you are to blame or that you should try to put things right. He's trouble. Drop him like a hot brick. Don't risk yourself with him again. I'm really glad you got out safely.

[lilyblue]

I would definitely not talk to him again. That sounded horrible, and almost scary (at least reading it). That's a sign of something... although I'm not sure what. But not something I'd be interested in being around.

[ohmygoshistalk]

i think i dated a guy like this before..dont wanna get into it..

 

but yes, you dodged a bullet.

 

it doesnt matter if he had issues, you were a guest at his house.

 

im curious though, how is his relationship w/ his mom?

[thatgirl007]

There's something wrong with this guy, beyond the "normal" relationship issues and/or a mood swing from being tired, etc.

What you described hits me as BPD (borderline personality disorder), a subset of bipolar disorder. Trust me fully on this, move on!! I dated a woman who had BPD. I did some research and it had to be that. Instant, unpredictable and extreme mood swings. Completely irrational anger. Delusions. It was absolutely mind boggling. I got out ASAP.

Either that, though less likely, he's on drugs.

 

I know! I really do believe that there's something wrong with him because I didn't have a hint of bad feelings towards him when he thought I was being mean to him. I am just not the type of person to be mean even when I should be. So, I knew he was wrong, but he was fully convinced and committed to his anger and frustration. He looked me right in the eyes and was just so stubbornly angry. I've never experienced anything like it. I am so, so glad that I'm safely home.

 

So, did you just stop talking to her and it ended? I am hoping that works.

[thatgirl007]

Something about the way you tried to smooth things over with him and apologise to him suggests to me that you are used to abuse. I hope not. I hope you will get rid of this guy and not think in any way that you are to blame or that you should try to put things right. He's trouble. Drop him like a hot brick. Don't risk yourself with him again. I'm really glad you got out safely.

 

Yes, I was in a verbally abusive marriage. But I did learn how to stand up for myself and got out of that situation with my self-esteem and intelligence intact, wiser and stronger. I know I am not to blame. I was just there.

 

I will drop him like a hot brick, lol.

 

i think i dated a guy like this before..dont wanna get into it..

 

but yes, you dodged a bullet.

 

it doesnt matter if he had issues, you were a guest at his house.

 

im curious though, how is his relationship w/ his mom?

 

He actually loves his mom a lot and holds her in high-esteem. He told me that he "tells her everything" and that they are very close.

[daphne]

It's clear that this guy has serious issues. He sounds like a controlling and very, very angry dude.

 

However, I've got to ask you why on earth you would start making out with this guy instead of just calling it a night and hightailing it out there at the crack of dawn? He was hazing you dear. Abusive guys do this when they get comfortable to see how much you'll put up with but they don't give it their all right off the bat. This wasn't a big red flag. This was China.

 

Next time a guy gets that disrespectful and abnormal, get the hell out and don't ask yourself so many questions on what you did. It's a normal reaction to a certain extent, but I think the healthier you are the quicker you realize crazy is crazy and to steer clear of it.

[spiderowl]

Daphne, great post. Please would you explain 'hazing'? We don't have that term in the UK. Thanks!

[thatgirl007]

It's clear that this guy has serious issues. He sounds like a controlling and very, very angry dude.

 

However, I've got to ask you why on earth you would start making out with this guy instead of just calling it a night and hightailing it out there at the crack of dawn? He was hazing you dear. Abusive guys do this when they get comfortable to see how much you'll put up with but they don't give it their all right off the bat. This wasn't a big red flag. This was China.

 

Next time a guy gets that disrespectful and abnormal, get the hell out and don't ask yourself so many questions on what you did. It's a normal reaction to a certain extent, but I think the healthier you are the quicker you realize crazy is crazy and to steer clear of it.

 

Thanks, Daphne. I know you are right! I am well acquainted with abnormality, so I think that's why it takes me a little longer than the healthiest person to internalize it properly, but I definitely knew that things were off. And it threw me off because he was also being really, really nice, apologetic and polite in between his hazing. So, I kept thinking it was just that moment, or that instance and all the pieces didn't stack up neatly together until later.

[persevere]

I know! I really do believe that there's something wrong with him because I didn't have a hint of bad feelings towards him when he thought I was being mean to him. I am just not the type of person to be mean even when I should be. So, I knew he was wrong, but he was fully convinced and committed to his anger and frustration. He looked me right in the eyes and was just so stubbornly angry. I've never experienced anything like it. I am so, so glad that I'm safely home.

 

So, did you just stop talking to her and it ended? I am hoping that works.

 

Well, we work together. I told her it wasn't gonna work. She didn't seem to care. We very occasionally run into each other (big company). We just say hi and keep going on the extreme occasion we run into each other.

I would just break contact. You live pretty far from him, so I wouldn't worry too much.

[daphne]

Daphne, great post. Please would you explain 'hazing'? We don't have that term in the UK. Thanks!

 

That's a term where fraternities will push the limits of a new pledge to the fraternity. They do a lot of harsh things to see how much abuse they'll take in order to be part of the fraternity. Abusive men haze, at a much slower rate because most women will run for the hills if you came out crazy all at once.

 

Thanks, Daphne. I know you are right! I am well acquainted with abnormality, so I think that's why it takes me a little longer than the healthiest person to internalize it properly, but I definitely knew that things were off. And it threw me off because he was also being really, really nice, apologetic and polite in between his hazing. So, I kept thinking it was just that moment, or that instance and all the pieces didn't stack up neatly together until later.

 

Yes, nice and apologetic to keep you from completely walking out the door. He didn't mean a word of it. He's a nutjob. I'm just happy for you that he did it before you slept together. You should drop him a thank you note in the mail. I'm kidding. Please don't do that.

[spiderowl]

Thanks for the explanation Daphne.

 

It's interesting that this guy mixed it with apologies and stuff. I'd say they were push/pull tactics which can be very powerful. This is a very worrying sign. I wonder, if the OP looks back on messages, whether she can see any of these signs at all? I would have thought some controlling signs would have reared their heads before now but maybe he dismissed them as only joking? It's easy to misread such signs if the guy is not there in front of you looking threatening.

[crazylove]

Wow, you're lucky you got outta there! Definitely NO CONTACT, this guy sounds like he could be dangerous actually.

Don't beat yourself up about it, just be glad that you left, and can move on to better things. He's not worth any of your time.

[Quiet Storm]

BPD (borderline personality disorder), a subset of bipolar disorder.

 

This is incorrect. Borderline is a personality disorder, bipolar is a mood disorder. They are totally different. Bipolar is often easily treated with medication, while Borderline is very hard to treat. (my sister is a Borderline).

[persevere]

This is incorrect. Borderline is a personality disorder, bipolar is a mood disorder. They are totally different. Bipolar is often easily treated with medication, while Borderline is very hard to treat. (my sister is a Borderline).

 

I stand corrected. Thanks for clarifying.

[SJC2008]

How he kept his cool for six months is beyond me!!! Why did you even spend the night I mean I would of left when he went to the bathroom. Thank goodness you got out of there safe!

[dasein]

Good lord, it's amazing you aren't down a hole in the basement, is it possible he already had a woman tied up down there?

 

Sorry you had to go through that and I suspect substance issues as a possibility also. He can't do whatever keeps him in line whenever you are there, but can do whatever while you are on the phone or skyping.

 

The only possible legit excuse for this would be a bad reaction to new meds for a health issue he may not have been comfortable telling you about or possibly some other type of odd extreme allergic reaction to something.

[FitChick]

If you met him through a friend, you should tell the friend what happened. It may turn out this isn't the first time he's heard similar. If he hasn't, it would be good to plant a seed in his mind in case he decides to set this guy up with someone else and if the same things happen again. Your mutual friend might be hearing a totally different version of events from this guy. Also it's possible this friend has experience similar from the guy and it might set him thinking that the man has a problem.

[SJC2008]

If you met him through a friend, you should tell the friend what happened. It may turn out this isn't the first time he's heard similar. If he hasn't, it would be good to plant a seed in his mind in case he decides to set this guy up with someone else and if the same things happen again. Your mutual friend might be hearing a totally different version of events from this guy. Also it's possible this friend has experience similar from the guy and it might set him thinking that the man has a problem.

 

Great point it didn't even cross my mind. If he's a friend of a friend then your friend really doesn't know him well and if he did the shame on that person for putting you in a situation like that.

[AlexDP]

There's something wrong with this guy, beyond the "normal" relationship issues and/or a mood swing from being tired, etc.

What you described hits me as BPD (borderline personality disorder), a subset of bipolar disorder. Trust me fully on this, move on!! I dated a woman who had BPD. I did some research and it had to be that. Instant, unpredictable and extreme mood swings. Completely irrational anger. Delusions. It was absolutely mind boggling. I got out ASAP.

Either that, though less likely, he's on drugs.

 

BPD is not a subset of bipolar disorder. It is something else entirely.

 

It does look familiar with the behaviour the OP describes. Still, a diagnosis of this guy is irrelevant. He probably has initimacy issues (long distance goes fine, close distance coupled with the prospect of spending a few days together does not), but why figure them out? Furthermore, why make such a diagnosis when you don't even know the difference between bipolar and BPD? We should stop being shrinks and just look at the behaviour. It is bad and toxic, so the OP dumps the guy. It's that easy.

[AlexDP]

If you met him through a friend, you should tell the friend what happened. It may turn out this isn't the first time he's heard similar. If he hasn't, it would be good to plant a seed in his mind in case he decides to set this guy up with someone else and if the same things happen again. Your mutual friend might be hearing a totally different version of events from this guy. Also it's possible this friend has experience similar from the guy and it might set him thinking that the man has a problem.

 

 

I bet this guy is already smearing her.