NeverDated Posted May 12, 2012 Posted May 12, 2012 We've been together for just shy of a year and are living together. Every night he comes home from work. Eats dinner with me and my kids. Plays video games or we just sit around and talk. It's OK. I like it. But...he's not a dad, and is under no obligation to stay at home with me just because I can't go out. It's been about 8 months since he just went out with friends. IMO, that's way too long. Sure, we've gone to things as a couple, but no just guys' nights like he used to go to. The couple times he's gotten invites, he says he doesn't want to go and just enjoys being around me. Again, it's OK, it's sweet and I believe him, but it worries me that we'll end up at a period of burn-out. The way I see it, I go out with my "mom" friends during the day, have phone calls with them, etc. He needs "him" time, too. So, recently, I've been pushing him to go out with his friends - go to a bar, see a movie, get trashed over there, just do something that is him going out and acting like, well, a guy? He agreed and has been making an effort to reconnect with friends and strengthen those relationships. Meanwhile (this is why I'm doubting)...My girlfriends are very confused by why I'm pushing him. One said I should be grateful, was taking it for granted and shouldn't be pushing him to go out. One said she'd "love it" if her man stayed in all the time, but he's always (once or twice a week) running out with his friends for dinner/drinks and leaving her alone with [her!!!] kids. I see this as normal, healthy behavior from a man without obligation to children. Heck, if the kids are old enough, I think it's healthy for a man with them. (Just like I always expected to be able to have a "girls' night" every so often when I was with my ex-husband. Good for the goose...) It's not something that has caused a fight (if he got upset about it, I wouldn't suggest it), we've just talked about it. Am I in the wrong here? How would you feel if your girlfriend did this?
123321 Posted May 12, 2012 Posted May 12, 2012 My dad didn't "go out with the boys" and that seems to have worked out fine. 2
Author NeverDated Posted May 12, 2012 Author Posted May 12, 2012 My dad didn't "go out with the boys" and that seems to have worked out fine. Yeah, neither did mine. But, in both cases those were dads. I know my father went "out with the boys" quite frequently before I sauntered along into the world.
Quiet Storm Posted May 12, 2012 Posted May 12, 2012 Don't push your man to be anything, let him be himself. 2
Author NeverDated Posted May 12, 2012 Author Posted May 12, 2012 Hmm...let's go with "encourage" rather than "push". Typically, I'll notice something one of his friends posted on FB or Twitter or just heard about. I'll then comment that he hasn't hung out with so-and-so in however long, and suggest he give them a call to set something up. I don't harp on him about it, but do suggest it from time to time (maybe once a week to 10 days). As far as being himself...I feel like he's not being himself. Before we got together seriously, he was always with his friends, socially engaged several times a week, and we scheduled our dates around the rest of his social life. When we got serious, it seemed like he just dropped all his friends. While I don't think it's my job to mother him, I do think it's my job as his partner to encourage healthy behavior. I don't see dropping everyone but your girlfriend and close family to be 'healthy.' Right now it's fine, but since I've been in a LTR (10 year marriage) before, I know there will come a point where either we'll have a fight or he'll have an issue I can't help with, and he'll need someone to turn to. I guess I just don't want to see him distance himself from everyone to the point that I'm his only support system.
dasein Posted May 12, 2012 Posted May 12, 2012 IMO it would be healthy for both of you for him to have some alone activities. Does he like the social network he has? If not is it possible to start forming a new one via church, clubs, shared interests that might give him a push? Does he have no hobbies at all that he might like to pick back up?
Quiet Storm Posted May 12, 2012 Posted May 12, 2012 First you say this While I don't think it's my job to mother him, I do think it's my job as his partner to encourage healthy behavior. But this Typically, I'll notice something one of his friends posted on FB or Twitter or just heard about. I'll then comment that he hasn't hung out with so-and-so in however long, and suggest he give them a call to set something up. I don't harp on him about it, but do suggest it from time to time (maybe once a week to 10 days). Stay out of his business when it comes to his friends. They are HIS friends. If he wants to go out with them, he will.
Author NeverDated Posted May 12, 2012 Author Posted May 12, 2012 IMO it would be healthy for both of you for him to have some alone activities. Does he like the social network he has? If not is it possible to start forming a new one via church, clubs, shared interests that might give him a push? Does he have no hobbies at all that he might like to pick back up? He does have hobbies he enjoys, but one of the other problems is he doesn't have time to enjoy them. After we became a couple, his boss gave him more responsibility at work, so now he only get 2, maybe 3, days off a month (works for a start-up). A while back, he had considered going back to a group he'd been involved with before. With the schedule change, he just doesn't have the time participate. Stay out of his business when it comes to his friends. They are HIS friends. If he wants to go out with them, he will. I've noticed that I've become the point of contact for him and many friends. I get the head's up on get-togethers or the texts asking if we're free. So, I agree they are HIS friends and I need to not be involved, but IMO part of that is getting back to the point where he's the one making plans for himself, rather than allowing me to do it for him. I suppose the reason I'm so concerned about his life outside of coupledom is a few months back, when we had our first "real" argument, he brought up the fact that one of his friends said I was "keeping him" from them. (We had received an invite to something for a day we already had plans.) I reminded him that it was his choice, and I wasn't telling him who he could/couldn't hang out with. He later apologized and claimed he just said it in the heat of the moment, that he didn't feel as if I was forcing him to choose.
HeavenOrHell Posted May 12, 2012 Posted May 12, 2012 I think it's ok to encourage someone if they actually want to to it, but not if it's something *you* want them to do and they don't. He doesn't need to act like a guy, just let him be his own person. My partner is perfectly happy not seeing friends in the evening, he prefers that, if we lived together he'd still prefer that, I'd be the one going a lot more than him, like I do now, sometimes I'd ask if he wants to come along as well, but he wouldn't need to feel obligated to. It is healthy though, I think, to meet up as a couple with friends sometimes, so you spend time together with other people, I'd miss that if it never happened.
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