My Story, resurfaced, letter # 1

[flitzanu]

mentioned in my other thread, i've been revisiting momentous items from my own breakup in 2010 to share with others what actions i did, and took, and just how futile they were. so, moving forward after the breakup, here is my "breakup letter" that, as all of us do, i thought would just win her back.

 

it didn't.

 

honestly i don't know if she even read it.

 

in it's entirety, edited to protect names.

 

---

 

Maybe I am a monster. I’ve hurt the person I care so much about with my ignorance and my selfishness, and my incredible fear of the unknown future. I was so truly lost in my own head working out all the details, all the issues, all the questions…and while doing so I was only detaching further from you. I should have been discussing all that I was feeling and thinking, and I didn’t. And that’s my regret to deal with, that I should have simply told you how badly I wanted my future with you and your son. I’ve honestly ruined the best part of my life, and the most amazing thing to ever happen to me.

 

I know we had our problems, as everyone does. Most of them were blown so out of proportion when they were so trivial, but both of us are so stubborn we let them get the best of us at times. We were partners in crime, companions in life, and best friends who were always there for each other at the end of the day. The only thing I ever wanted was for someone to simply be there for me, and you were, every day, without hesitation. I should have been a better person. I should have been aware. Pride and arrogance and insecurity so often kept us from relaxing our guard and seeing that we were arguing or bickering over NOTHING. None of our fights were ever deal breakers. I f---ed up.

 

Our love is and was sincere, a true love that isn’t often found. I yearned for you daily, my heart is empty without you. Waking up each day and seeing your texts, or writing you, or even luckier…the times I woke up next to you, seeing your beautiful face. I’m sorry for being stupid. I’m sorry I can’t take things back. You had every right to be angry, confused, concerned, and hurt. We were truly beautiful together. The way our bodies fit so perfectly…you melted into my arms when we slept and cuddled and I’ve never felt so blissful in my life. Our hearts and bodies became one when we were holding each other so closely…drifting off to slow slumber…your soft breathing on my neck as we slept. I was at peace…and we fully existed inside that one single moment. You gave me chills when you moved close to me, when you whispered in my ear, when you fumbled in the dark to find me to hold you close…

 

Maybe I hesitated about things because I was scared. Well, there’s no maybe, I was scared. I spent so many nights in bed considering the future, thinking of what our life would be like…if I was going to be a good parent, mapping out finances. Especially at your sister’s wedding, I could think of nothing else but “us” and what our wedding was going to be like. All of our friends, family, the biggest party of all time. A merging of two worlds, two hearts, two souls… All the love in the air, all the connection, even that night I wanted to tell you so much how I wanted us to be doing the same thing very soon, but I was nervous that it may not be what you wanted. It was truly a night that we felt like family. You were so beautiful, and little (son) so handsome in his tux. I wanted to have a perfect wedding with you, and to work through the planning step by step since you’re such a pro. Me likely in an old 19th Century style tux with long tails and a frilly jabot, you in something modern, perhaps with a slitted design on the back and slitted across your stomach to show your amazing skin and curves. Even so recently when we discussed the Halloween wedding, and wearing masks and how you thought it would be cool, I really had my heart jump at that one, thinking even just possibly that WE could do that together. If only I had simply told you what was on my heart that night at the wedding. I know you were feeling it too.

 

(son) means the world to me. I’ve been such a mess thinking about my girlfriend and my best friend, and have not been properly processing his role. I love him. I’ve watched him grow, watched him get smarter, learn, mature…and it really sucks losing him. I miss reading to him, I miss talking about dinosaurs with him, I miss the cute way he backs into your lap when he’s playing his DS and won’t turn around. I miss the swimming, I miss making him feel important by helping me with things I was doing. The sweetest thing was him sleeping, and carrying him in from the car while he wrapped around my neck. There was just something so serene and peaceful about that. I really want a family. I really want to belong. I told you in the beginning, and I’m sorry that things felt off track, but I never stopped wanting those things. He’s the best little guy to enter my life, and it kills me thinking that won’t continue, that I won’t see him struggle with junior high and high school, graduation… You’re doing a wonderful job raising him, you’re a fantastic mother. And he broke my heart in such a good way saying he wanted me to marry you, how he wants me to be his daddy. I’ve never felt like that before. Well I should say twice. He said something similar before. You always said so many times you wish you had help and I just wasn’t realizing what you were hinting at, and I should have stepped up and been what you needed. I’m ready now.

 

The day you came into my life I knew you were special. I’ve told you when I first “saw” you at El Tequila, with your puffy jaw. I really looked at you and saw your beauty and shine, and in that moment even, I wanted to taste your lips. Weird I know, with your swollen cheek, but you really struck a chord in me and I wanted to know you and get closer. We started talking more, discussing tattoos, random things, and you even called me late that night on the 4th of July, and my heart was jumping. I was elated. And then I got to spend an evening with you…your soft tender skin and beautiful deep eyes…the way you so longingly gazed at me and I wanted to kiss you so badly. I wanted to feel true excitement with you. And I did. We both got lost in a moment, and both fell a little further that day. I couldn’t stop thinking about you after that night. You excite me in exquisite ways that no one has done. Merely looking at you, your soft hands touching my face, a lovely embrace…and my heart pounds.

 

Our time started moving quickly, I met your son, and everything started falling in place. I got to see and talk to you every day, and my life was feeling more complete each day with you in it. I loved you coming over with (son) to watch tv, and play. He was so little then. We got to have lunch every day, we’d sneak off to a little meeting room to be alone…or I’d wait in the hallway to see your pretty face come down to meet me…and the drives back when we went out? Yes, yes, I’d always steal a heart-melting kiss from you on that back road, our hands intertwined and never letting go. You shared with me, and let me be your rock and partner. Oh how I was falling so quickly for you. The fleeting moments I muttered loving you those drunken nights I was without you. I secretly wanted you to know how much I wanted you and couldn’t stand being away from you. There were times I’d even skipped out early on plans just to see you. My life had finally taken a positive turn after so many long years of worthless relationships. I’d finally found someone I could spend my life with.

 

We had so many lovely times, so many wonderful trips, shared so many beautiful nights together in new places. Going to Frightmare, visiting your dad, going to Galveston and Branson…it was the life I wanted, with the girl I always wanted to find. You got me in a giant boat in Branson, you got me in the ocean for God’s sake, you got me in many pools. All the time spent in the car talking, eating snacks, arguing about my driving and me missing turns…we were truly a traveling team. It is the little moments like those that I cherish and miss the most. I loved every minute of all we did, and all your family. I would not have wanted to be in the car that long with anyone else but you. It was truly the life i’d been looking for, and I should have been telling you these things over and over.

 

My family loves you, for once my parents have nothing bad to say about a girl i’ve been with, and even today my mom told me how she wanted more grandkids and i’m the last hope honestly. I think that’s why she loves (son) so much. I loved that him and Josie played together, it was really like watching our family growing. it’s hardest to discuss those things with her. I’m sure she thinks I’m different that what I truly am. I try to be honest and fair, that you grew ill of my selfishness and inconsideration. As you know, I reached out to your sister about the ring, but my mother had suggested it too. That maybe I should stop beating around the bush and marry you or at least show you that I was truly serious. She asked me many times in the past, and after all you’d been through honestly I didn’t really know if that was the step you wanted to take. I realize I didn’t ask, and that’s my fault, but I was scared, just like I am now.

 

So where did we go wrong? We truly loved each other, that was never a problem. You wanted me, you needed me, and I wanted you, and I needed you. Our egos were getting in the way. You a stubborn redhead, me a calloused aquarius. You were always and still my only desire. We bickered, we disagreed, we let emotions control our arguments…and that was bad for both of us. I know we both did those things because we cared so much, and I know that I was selfish in trying to see things your way, as much as you were selfish seeing them mine. It doesn’t make us bad people, just makes us human. I wish to God that everyone and everything could be perfect, but that just isn’t reality. Our emotions were so strong, I feel we truly brought out the strongest emotions in each other during those things and they just got volatile and out of hand. We always found our way back, and I think both of us let simple things bother us more than they should, and that was something both of us have to work on. I loved our resilience.

 

Did our love stop? I can’t think or believe it did. Two powerful years can’t just turn off. I know there were things I wasn’t doing, things I wasn’t saying, things I wasn’t showing. There were things I should have been doing, I know, but that still goes both ways. I never cried to you, I never opened up my heart as much as I should have, and I know I kept you at a bit of a distance with my thoughts. It is sadly in my nature to censor things I say or express for simple fear of being hurt and because of insecurity…and again it just kept you from knowing how I really felt. I’ve never stopped loving you, even in the darkest times. All the fighting and bitter words, I never lost my heart and feeling for you. I valued the emotions you showed, it told me that you really cared. You honestly gave me a chance to really see your soul. I love you and all that you are.

 

I should have chased you that sad day we came back from St Louis. I should have discussed your heartfelt email sooner. I just didn’t know how to process all of it, things had never gotten that bad before. I sat on the hotel bed reading that email and wanting to cry, hating myself more and more for being so mean while you had just poured your heart out. I guess I just took for granted that we would work those things out like we always did, and that maybe you just needed some time to clear your head…which turns out you were just waiting for me to come after you. I’ve told you so many times now that had I known, i’d have never let you walk away. I only thought you wanted some time to clear your head and tried to respect that. I f---ed up. I really f---ed up. I was so hurt and so out of sorts because of that incident and the email, I just didn’t know what to do or say. I ruined things that day. I should have turned down the pride and told you that every single thing you said touched my heart and made me want you even more. I’ve said it before, you admitting you wanted to marry me and have kids put everything into perspective, and I messed up by not discussing it with you. I’m so sorry. I wanted every single thing you said to be true and to happen. I never should have said those horrible things I said. You didn’t deserve it, and I will never do it again.

 

I’m sorry (she), i’m sorry i’ve lost my **** lately. You’re the most important thing in my life and I was freaking out about losing you and it has caused me so much pain I haven’t been acting myself. You’ve called me needy, fake, clingy, bothersome…I cry daily about you, and all my thoughts are consumed with you and what i’ve lost. How could I destroy the one thing that I love? I’ve acted irrationally and harshly, and definitely done impulsive things. Those things aren’t me, I know, I’m just losing everything around me and it is killing me so slowly each day. My lovely little world has crumbled, and I sit deposed from my high roost. I’ve been breaking down. I’ve watched you break down and felt so helpless to fix it, and I’m sorry…because now I only want you to hold me and tell me that everything is going to be ok. You have drawn out so many emotions in me lately that I don’t know how to process. I’m always the cool collected one, not the emotional wreck. I wake up empty and cold, and each day without you has been worse than the previous. It is supposed to get easier but it hasn’t. Every day at work for weeks now is simply a fight and struggle to make it through the day without crying at work, and fighting myself to reach out to you just to hear your sweet voice. Seeing you so far away without me tears me apart each day, and every minute is pure heartbreak. My soul yearns for you, cries for you, is reaching so desperately to find you again. My soul is lonely without yours, my soulmate, the girl that makes me complete and feel whole. You have truly given me something wholesome, you’ve made me feel something so powerful that it scared me. I have never felt this way about another person, and never felt so lonely and damaged in losing someone. My life had meaning and direction with you being a part of it, you and (son) both. I’m wandering in circles after losing my true love and my best friend, and also my little (son). My emotions have taken over and gotten the best of me, and I know it is only pushing you further away. I am f---ing up.

 

Rings. Perhaps it was a huge mistake. Judging by your answer it obviously was. I’m sure it came off as an act of desperation and not adoration, and maybe I’ve slowly been missing the line between the two. You’ve wanted actions, you’ve stopped believing my words, you’ve stopped trusting in the things I say. So in one daring, brave act, I did the impossible and unexpected, and the most insane thing I could think of just to show you I stood seriously behind my promises and my heart. You’re right though. It should have been sooner. But it wasn’t. It was then. And my timing was never impeccable as you’ve known. Alas, I tried. I picked out a ring beautiful enough for your finger, and a diamond to match, just to prove my worth and my desire. Utter rejection is rather painful I must say. Perhaps that was best. I only want you to know it was not a solution, it was never to mask the disenchantments…it was to show you truly that I love you and you were the one I’d chosen to keep forever. But I’ve lost you.

 

I should have been doing those things the entire 2 years we were together. I should have been giving you flowers, little gifts of adoration, and expressing to you all the beautiful thoughts of you. At times I did. I guess just not at the times I should. It hurts that you wish to believe it is fake, and that it is insincere, because it isn’t. I would never do those things to gain your favor, I do them to see you smile and watch your heart warm. You light the room with your radiance when you’re happy, and making you happy is worth seeing that inside you. I really thought that I was getting better about things, that I was growing closer to you, and all the while I was simply deluded. What a revelation to wake up to. It seemed that everything was starting to work so much better right up until that trip, and then I just totally destroyed all of it. You told me you fell so hard for me, and I thought I caught you, but it seems you were always sliding out of my grasp due to my negligence and blindness.

 

Those recent times again during this painful situation…you calling that morning telling me you felt you should be in my arms, and so you came home to me and you were…I know you felt it too, our hearts beating together and breath rising and falling in sync…feeling like home again. The few times after, how I never wanted to let you go. It hurts that I’d neglected those things. It hurts that both of us did. And all the things I’ve told you now, I’ve poured out my soul with words and tears…and no you never saw me cry until now. I’ve kept myself so detached from those things just believing I wasn’t broken, and I was. I’d forgotten how to express myself to you. I should have seen it all along, all the times I praised you, talked sweet about you, discussed you…I should have been telling those beautiful things to YOU. That’s what I realized the night I called you to talk, that instead of discussing or analyzing, I simply needed to say those words to you, to the one that mattered most.

 

All the trivial things, all the small things, all the every day quirks, idiosyncrasies, habits, actions… I will miss Christmas shopping with you. I will miss being woken by (son) so early to open Christmas presents and watching him be so excited. I will miss time with your family on thanksgiving. I will miss your Grandfather that actually seemed to like me, that we had Golden Corral with. I will miss the sound of your car pulling up in my driveway, I knew the sound by heart. I will miss the way you wiggle when putting on pants. I will miss you sending pouty lip pictures to me when I asked to see your pretty face. I will miss the way (son) would tell me to “read the ‘structions” for his new toys. I will miss the way your hair shines in the sunlight. I will miss opening your car door. I will miss the way you’d place your hands on my neck when you kissed me, and I will miss your luscious lips dancing with mine. I will miss your voice speaking my name. I will miss you falling asleep on me while watching movies late at night. I will miss the way the top of your nose crinkles when you truly smile happily. I will miss your cold toes under my blanket. I will miss seeing you steal my tshirts. I will miss (son) defending your honor when I tickled or pinched you. I will miss you making fun of my outfit choices. I will miss watching you, so gorgeous, in front of my mirror getting ready. I will miss the mornings you worked later than me, and how cute you were in my bed. I will miss nights up with (son) building forts or rolling him up as a burrito in a blanket. I will miss the fire in your eyes when you looked at me passionately or angrily. I will miss all the teaching and learning that (son) has ahead. I will miss the soft touch of your hands against mine. I will miss the way you urged me, and encouraged me to be my best and to achieve goals. I will miss kissing you on Valentines Day. I will miss the “…may we have 100 more” that now will never happen. I will miss eating Mexican with you and feeling miserable afterwards. I will miss seeing Blue October again and again with you. I will miss standing in my bedroom doorway and scaring the crap out of you. I will miss the way you used to wear different colored socks and how I’d find them all over the place. I will miss your scent on my pillow. I will miss (son) saying “ya sure I can try”. I will miss being next to you at the beginning of each new year. I will miss you painting my toes. I will miss the long, cold snowy nights we were frozen indoors. I will miss you comforting me when I had bad dreams. I will miss the way you held me after my friend John’s funeral. I will miss the way you slept crooked on the bed. I will miss exploring every beautiful square inch of your body. I will miss all the undying and devoted love we have shared. I will miss hearing the words “I love you” from your lips. I will miss you telling me one last time that this will work, and that we are going to fix this together and be even stronger than before. I will miss having you next to me always, falling asleep and waking up and facing each day. I will miss all the sacrifices you made selflessly to be part of my life.

 

(she), you are the most beautiful person i’ve had the pleasure of meeting. My life is incomplete without you, which is why i’ve so often tried reaching out to you. You comforted me in my darkness, you gave me light to keep going, and you were the reason I loved waking up each day. Just your little texts in the morning knowing I had someone that loved me, and someone I loved, and each day since is just painful. I stare at my phone so often in the morning hoping you will text…and i’ve never checked my peephole so often hoping that maybe you’ll be standing outside my door. It’s sad. It’s pathetic. I’ve been a total wreck and a mess for so many weeks now for sure. My beautiful Shortcake, you’ve been such a blessing in my life and I will be forever changed with you not being in it, I will be forever changed by meeting you, and forever changed by (son). You showed me a glimpse of the life I never had, and the life I always wanted. I’ve f---ed up. You are and were the girl of my dreams. You are and were the most lovely creature i’ve found. You are and were the person that i’ve been searching for my entire life. I have failed in my path, and failed you as a companion. So many times we pushed each other away, only to find our way back because of our love. My heart is pure, and belongs only to you. I’m head over heels in love with you still, and have been since the day we met. This was never what I wanted to happen, this wasn’t meant to be, and i’ve only wanted to show you how much I don’t want to continue without you. My dearest (she), (she), (she), I love you so much. You are in my very soul. None of this should have happened. I never wanted to hide so many true feelings from you. We have both made mistakes, and I am humbled by you and wholeheartedly regretful for the things i’ve done to cause you strife. I never wanted to break the most beautiful thing in my life….we were incredible together. My love for you will never end. My dearest Shortcake, I beg you to not dismiss or forget your feelings and all those things we shared.

[wilsonx]

You were so lost!

[flitzanu]

You were so lost!

 

haha, and i don't know "brevity" when it comes to writing love letters. i should have known though, i had written a similar one 10 years ago that was never read, and i somehow convinced myself that she was "too afraid of my words" to read it. after becoming a regular here, i've realized that it doesn't matter if i'm Lord f'kng Byron, nothing i say will ever change a dumper's mind after leaving. but, it seems, everyone must make that mistake, thinking their words will matter.

 

i even made the mistake of a followup letter a few months after this one, that i'll post soon when i track it down.

 

not only did i make the mistake once, i went back for more. but, the second one was a little more clear-headed, but still worthless.

[Art_Critic]

honestly i don't know if she even read it.

 

I think you know the answer to that... that is why it's a waste to write and mail them.

 

Better off to write a letter like that and burn it so you feel better.

[wilsonx]

Right! If she would have responded, she would have responded to his breadcrumbs.

 

Just because she didn't doesnt mean she didnt read it.

[Breck]

A letter like this should be expressed in person. Not in a letter. Also. Short and sweet is much better than drawn out emotion. Woman want a man. They want "I'll be back!", "Get in the chopper!" Not an essay. She probably got in the chopper and screwed the pilot just to experience a man.

[flitzanu]

A letter like this should be expressed in person. Not in a letter. Also. Short and sweet is much better than drawn out emotion. Woman want a man. They want "I'll be back!", "Get in the chopper!" Not an essay. She probably got in the chopper and screwed the pilot just to experience a man.

 

that's a really cute passive-aggressive insult that i'm not a "man".

 

but no, saying all these things in person after a breakup wouldn't make a difference either. because i said all these things in person too, before writing the letter. they've already made their choice, that's the point here. words aren't swaying their opinion when they've chosen to leave.

[Breck]

words aren't swaying their opinion when they've chosen to leave.

 

With women, it's never about words. It's about actions. Say this in person. Show her what you want and that you have the courage to do so. Don't write her a letter and place the ball (response) in her court. Take her options out of it.

[flitzanu]

With women, it's never about words. It's about actions. Say this in person. Show her what you want and that you have the courage to do so. Don't write her a letter and place the ball (response) in her court. Take her options out of it.

 

did you miss that this was from august 2010? it's entirely irrelevant now. i'm revisiting my story just for others to know it's possible to move past these things.

[Breck]

The only thing I understood was that it was from August of 2010. I saw the 27 paragraphs and decided to save the chick script for Nicholas Sparks. We all appreciate your posts because people need to talk to people who have experienced the same heartbreaks, etc. I'm just saying, you should have shown up at her door. Swooped her off her feet. And shagged her all over the yard. No one (man or woman) wants all that emotional crap recapping every thought and feeling from every day you were together. Did you shop for a purse at Walmart earlier in the week? That would be good advice. Stay away from women's handbags during this time. I don't care how good the sale is.

[flitzanu]

The only thing I understood was that it was from August of 2010. I saw the 27 paragraphs and decided to save the chick script for Nicholas Sparks. We all appreciate your posts because people need to talk to people who have experienced the same heartbreaks, etc. I'm just saying, you should have shown up at her door. Swooped her off her feet. And shagged her all over the yard. No one (man or woman) wants all that emotional crap recapping every thought and feeling from every day you were together. Did you shop for a purse at Walmart earlier in the week? That would be good advice. Stay away from women's handbags during this time. I don't care how good the sale is.

 

 

that's sweet of you to compare me to Nicholas Sparks!!! i'll be monitoring your progress with great attention now.

[Breck]

Alright Bruno Mars. Keep singing this ones for you and me, living out our dreams... I'm just saying your advice on breakups is missing a huge asterics. You're advising going NC, not having your head up her ass, the 7 second gray area, and not trying to reconcile, but we didn't know your advice is coming from an experience like this. If I wrote this letter of course it's going to push her farther away.

 

You would have been better off knocking on her door, burning the letter, and telling her you had been wearing panties for a couple weeks, but you're ready to act like a man now. Your advice has a quitters mentality because your experiences belong on the softball field. Women don't want a passive man. They want to find their rock. Someone who can stand up for them and lead their family. I want advice from a man that has experienced a breakup, not a begger that had predictable results.

[flitzanu]

Alright Bruno Mars. Keep singing this ones for you and me, living out our dreams... I'm just saying your advice on breakups is missing a huge asterics. You're advising going NC, not having your head up her ass, the 7 second gray area, and not trying to reconcile, but we didn't know your advice is coming from an experience like this. If I wrote this letter of course it's going to push her farther away.

 

You would have been better off knocking on her door, burning the letter, and telling her you had been wearing panties for a couple weeks, but you're ready to act like a man now. Your advice has a quitters mentality because your experiences belong on the softball field. Women don't want a passive man. They want to find their rock. Someone who can stand up for them and lead their family. I want advice from a man that has experienced a breakup, not a begger that had predictable results.

 

you're boring me now, and trying to make this personal. *yawn