NordicStripes Posted May 11, 2012 Posted May 11, 2012 Hello, this is my story, I'll try to make it as compact as I can. I would really appreciate any input on this. My ex-fiancee and I met about 4 years ago. A couple of weeks after meeting each we moved in with each other. We were very much in love. After about two years, things started to go wrong. My ex didn't work and I did. He didn't do anything, he barely even helped in the house, doing groceries,... anything. And he started going to his mates about 4 or 5 times a week, leaving me by myself. I felt lonely, neglected, unloved. Sexually he didn't seem interested in me either, I was the one who always had to initiate sex. Around our 3 year anniversary he could start working in a bar he used to work. I begged him not to. I knew the people that worked there, they all slept around, and they all drank an partied constantly... basically they were all big losers. And my ex was/is highly influenceable. He ignored my wishes and started working there. That's when things started going really downhill. We had planned to go on a trip together, but he ditched me to go on a trip with his mates instead. Then he couldn't understand why I was angry about that. Then he started going out with his bar-colleagues every night, getting wasted and getting home by the time I would get up. Every single day. He told me about this one colleague ( a girl) he even carried around on his shoulders. I was definitely not happy to hear that. I went to the bar to meet the colleagues and he pointed her out. Not wanting to sound superficial, but she is butt-ugly. Really. So I wasn't too worried. But still, things got worse. A day or two later he dumped me. This was end of July 2011. We saw each other again after a week and he assured me there was nobody else. Then a couple of days after that I saw him and the ugly colleague kissing. My heart broke. It shattered. About two-three weeks later we had to meet up about the house we rented together. That's when he started to tell me that he made a huge mistake and wanted to have a second chance. But he was also honest about the fact that he had slept with her several times... He basically had rolled out of my bed into hers! I told him that before I would even consider thinking about a second chance, he'd have to break things off with her and quit his 'job'. He did that on the spot. In the meanwhile I had planned a three-month internship abroad. So I went. After about a month, he followed me there. Ever since he's been trying to change and show me that he really cares. He's got a steady job, and tries to care for me etc etc... but I feel blocked. I love him still, I think, but I can't stop the mind movies. I can't stop feeling disgusted about what he did... I have been feeling depressed ever since we broke up because he was my life. I saw my whole future with him, but he just tore away the world beneath my feet... I want to just be happy with him again, but I don't know how. I don't know how to forgive him. I don't know how to stop the mind movies,... We've been fighting A LOT lately, him being angry at me constantly blaming him and making him feel guilty, and me at him because I feel like he doesn't understand the pain he has caused me. I am going to have to make a decision soon. But every decision will be so hard. I can't stand the idea of not having him in my life, but I don't know what to do with him being in my life either... Incidentally, my family all hate him, so he wouldn't exactly be welcomed back by them...
SomedayDig Posted May 11, 2012 Posted May 11, 2012 So, basically, this chap broke up with you for a few weeks so he could go have sex with ugly lady?! That sounds pretty cheap. And then, after time she probably started to pressure him and he looked at her and said, "Holy hell!! She's ugly as sin!! What am I doing!?!!" That's when he decided to roll back into YOUR bed. I'm sorry, Nordic but you're going to have to see through the "I can't live without him" stuff and figure out really why you want him in your life. What makes him so special? Why do YOU want him there? Does HE feel the same about YOU? If so, then why the holiday from you last summer? As for what to do without him being in your life...well, that would be called look around at all the true fantastic catches out there. You never know, you might find one who is actually better AND...drum roll...TREATS you better. In the end, however, you are the one with the choice. I'd simply say don't rush it. 1
Ninja'sHusband Posted May 11, 2012 Posted May 11, 2012 I dunno, I could hardly begin to start a life with someone that way. Without going into details, there are lots of us who dated longer than that, had perfect relationships, were married for over a decade, but only hit infidelity at that late point...when there are now kids. When there are kids its such a bigger mess to deal with... It's a hard message but I'd say save yourself the grief. Pick the right person who isn't going to back stab you in a decade in a half....or someone you won't be tempted to betray out of revenge. 2
Steen719 Posted May 11, 2012 Posted May 11, 2012 I dunno, I could hardly begin to start a life with someone that way. Without going into details, there are lots of us who dated longer than that, had perfect relationships, were married for over a decade, but only hit infidelity at that late point...when there are now kids. When there are kids its such a bigger mess to deal with... It's a hard message but I'd say save yourself the grief. Pick the right person who isn't going to back stab you in a decade in a half....or someone you won't be tempted to betray out of revenge. Yeah, it hurts, but I have to agree with this ^^^^^. Save yourself some heartache. You are most likely young and you will find someone else who is worthy of you. Value yourself above all.
Furious Posted May 11, 2012 Posted May 11, 2012 This guy needs to grow up. You are not his Mommy. Every minute you spend with him is a minute wasted in finding someone who is the right one for you.
96nole Posted May 11, 2012 Posted May 11, 2012 I'm going to make this real easy....run for your f#cking life. He is a dirtbag. He completely disrespected you. Drop his ass now and don't look back
Ninja'sHusband Posted May 11, 2012 Posted May 11, 2012 A little more perspective. I'm sitting here trying to figure out what subtle cues I missed 18 years ago that would have told me I married a big fat cheater... The warnings you have are not so subtle, not at all. More like giant billboards saying DANGER DANGER. That's not even it though, the billboards are falling on your car, breaking the windshield! 1
whichwayisup Posted May 12, 2012 Posted May 12, 2012 This guy isn't worthy of your love and your heart. It'll NEVER be good. Hey, it wasn't great before with him not working and partying it up which led to his cheating on you. Not a good way to start your life off together. He seems immature and not ready to fully commit..Even more so since he isn't remorseful and doing all that he can to make things good again, regain your trust. As much as it may hurt you, think about totally ending it. He isn't worth fighting for unless he is 100 percent ready to give all and work on himself to be a better person, husband material, a provider for your future family.
Author NordicStripes Posted May 12, 2012 Author Posted May 12, 2012 Thank you all for your replies! There seems to be a consensus here... I know you probably are right, but unfortunately, things aren't so simple for me. The last year that we were together, we would fight constantly. We were both incredibly frustrated, and actually both about the same thing (him not doing anything with his life), but we took it out on each other. After the whole sleeping with that whore thing, he told me that he didn't understand why he did that. He had felt depressed for a long time, and he thought sleeping with someone else with help him get over me... Now, I don't know how the psyche of the average male works, but what I do know is that his 'friends' kind of pushed him into it and told him that what he was doing was perfectly normal. The idiots... Actually, he has shown remorse and he has been trying hard to change. He followed me abroad. When I went back to our home country, he found a job i the city I work in, and found himself a small apartment to rent. He hasn't been going out with his old friends (maybe three times in the last couple of months). He stopped smoking (something I had been asking him for years!), and is even starting to put some money aside. All these are signs to me that he wants to change, but sometimes it's too hard for me. And to be honest, I'm not exactly making it any easier on him (and I don't feel like I should). I do tell him every day how badly he has hurt me, and that it will take him a much longer time and everyday effort if he ever wants a spark at being able to regain my trust. Also, nice kicker, we have quite an expensive holiday booked together this summer... (I was lured into it because his sister and her family live in that far away country and they told me her kids were asking for me, for their aunty... I just melted. Stupidly..) just to make things more awkward
Author NordicStripes Posted May 12, 2012 Author Posted May 12, 2012 I'm not at all making excuses for him. They are excuses he made for himself. I don't think there's any excuse for what he did. There is never an excuse for cheating. I have known nothing but cheating men in my life. My grandfather has been cheating on my grandmother for decades, my parents divorced (finally) after my dad cheated on my mum dozens of times, and I have been cheated on in my relationship previous to this one. I took that guy back, and he did it again. The difference is that that guy showed very little remorse. My ex now does. And the most painful thing is that more than lovers, we were very best friends. There was nobody on the planet that I feel so comfortable with as with him. I guess I'm just scared to lose that...
Author NordicStripes Posted May 12, 2012 Author Posted May 12, 2012 It isn't all good. This just isn't a black and white story... I've got the feeling I'm being attacked her for something, and I don't really know what it is... Is it so hard to understand that one could love someone else, but be incredibly angry and resentful at the same time? I'm sure I'm not the only one feeling like that here. Why would you want to reconcile unless you still love the person that hurt you more than anything? Someone also said I'm presumably young. Yes, i'm 26. Yes our relationship lasted 'only' 3 years. Does that make my feelings on the matter any less important or valid?
findingnemo Posted May 12, 2012 Posted May 12, 2012 Nordic, No one is attacking you. They are simply trying to point out that your view changes from one day to the next. It is normal, I think. In your mind there's a battle right now. One side says he cheated, he did so blatantly and you should let him go. The other side says you love him, he is changing and maybe you need to give him another chance. At this point, no side is winning. So you've been cheated on before. Now you feel that this situation is better because your bf is remorseful, right? Let me tell you why it isn't, IMO. Your bf is an ungrateful man who has the brains to see that out of all the women in the world, there's only one who has taken his crap, fed him when he wasn't working and was invested in making him better. Why wouldn't he be remorseful? With all that you put up with, not only did he cheat, he left you for a few months of "fun"! Do you realize that many people don't actually get dumped by the cheater for the OW? It is uncommon because the cheater usually knows that what they value and what's best for them is at home. Why is it called cheating? He didn't just cheat....he left you for another woman. If you are questioning what to do, please do not factor in your "love" for him. Tell yourself this story as if you were an outsider and give advice accordingly. This man has disrespected you on so many levels that he doesn't deserve your love. If you give him another chance, it is another chance to hurt you again. Another chance to disappoint you. Another chance to take you for granted. Or do you think you would be giving him another chance to change into the kind of man he is not? He has shown you who he is. Why do you choose not to believe him? Why do you choose to take a chance on him being different from what he has shown himself to be? Instead take a chance on you. Give yourself another chance at finding love. Your age is an advantage although it doenst change how you feel. Being 26 means that it is more likely that the man for you is still out there than if you were 66. 1
SandieBeach Posted May 12, 2012 Posted May 12, 2012 Nordic, No one is attacking you. They are simply trying to point out that your view changes from one day to the next. It is normal, I think. In your mind there's a battle right now. One side says he cheated, he did so blatantly and you should let him go. The other side says you love him, he is changing and maybe you need to give him another chance. At this point, no side is winning. So you've been cheated on before. Now you feel that this situation is better because your bf is remorseful, right? Let me tell you why it isn't, IMO. Your bf is an ungrateful man who has the brains to see that out of all the women in the world, there's only one who has taken his crap, fed him when he wasn't working and was invested in making him better. Why wouldn't he be remorseful? With all that you put up with, not only did he cheat, he left you for a few months of "fun"! Do you realize that many people don't actually get dumped by the cheater for the OW? It is uncommon because the cheater usually knows that what they value and what's best for them is at home. Why is it called cheating? He didn't just cheat....he left you for another woman. If you are questioning what to do, please do not factor in your "love" for him. Tell yourself this story as if you were an outsider and give advice accordingly. This man has disrespected you on so many levels that he doesn't deserve your love. If you give him another chance, it is another chance to hurt you again. Another chance to disappoint you. Another chance to take you for granted. Or do you think you would be giving him another chance to change into the kind of man he is not? He has shown you who he is. Why do you choose not to believe him? Why do you choose to take a chance on him being different from what he has shown himself to be? Instead take a chance on you. Give yourself another chance at finding love. Your age is an advantage although it doenst change how you feel. Being 26 means that it is more likely that the man for you is still out there than if you were 66. This is an excellent advice, Nemo. I am going to copy and paste it, and make into a laminated 4x4 postcard to keep with me at all times ... Why do we choose not to believe our SOs when they are dying to show us who they really are? That's the question of the century!
YellowShark Posted May 12, 2012 Posted May 12, 2012 Bottom line from what you wrote. A) He's a liar, B) He's a cheat, C) He's underemployed and generally unemployed, D) He makes you feel like crap. You're 26. Dump this loser. He will be NOTHING but heartache and disappointment to you. There are soooooo many other quality guys out there for you to invest your time and effort into. This guy isn't one of them. I promise you. Good luck.
ScienceGal Posted May 12, 2012 Posted May 12, 2012 (edited) Hi Nordic, First off, don't feel attacked. Some people don't know how to express their point of view without sounding harsh and angry. I have given some pretty snippy responses, but in retrospect I see it was more about where I was in my life (hurt, sad, depressed, angry) than the post I was responding to. It's easy to look at someone else's situation, use it as an outlet, and rip it apart. The concern that I have with your ex is his apparent lack of healthy stress management methods. I don't doubt he is sorry, but what about in the future when things get tough again? Relationships are full of ups and downs and I worry that he will resort to selfishness and poor choices once again. I also think that him being easily influenced ties into this. He doesn't sound as though he values himself enough, and therefore can never value you enough, to make a lasting relationship in which you'll both feel happy and fulfilled. He was frustrated with his life and the relationship, so he controlled one of the only things he could... his sexual power. He did not care deeply for that other woman, but it was something he could control. It was something that made him feel power and pleasure, even if for a short time. This isn't good. I'm worried that the good choices he is making right now are likely temporary because he is desperate to win you back. This is just my opinion based upon what I've read and personal experience with people who make similar choices and experience similar regret. Imagine yourself spending the next 5 years with this man, or the next 10. Do you honestly believe he will never betray you like this again? In your gut, do you truly believe this is the man you should spend the rest of your life with or are you wanting what is familiar and what you know can feel good (even temporarily)? When I miss my ex I like to think of myself in the future when I'm retired. I don't see him as my husband, which makes me realize what I feel sometimes is not an indication we should be together. It's just raw emotion. It's my mind struggling to break away from the pattern, from what was so familiar. I understand the weight this choice carries. I hope whichever one you make, it is the best for you in the long run. If you choose to give him another chance I would work out some positive ways to communicate and disagree. I strongly recommend at least trying counseling if that is feasible. If not, do some research and read books/guides. You two need to learn to come together during times of disagreement and he needs better stress management. Good luck. Edited May 12, 2012 by ScienceGal 2
Bellechica Posted May 12, 2012 Posted May 12, 2012 Nordic, I understand that it will be hard to let him go. You say he is your best friend and that he feels remorse, but he has treated you horribly. You have no children with him and you're not married to him. I think it's best to let him go and allow him time to grow. Go enjoy your life and begin dating. In a few years if it feels like this man is still the one and you fully trust him then give him another chance, but at this point in your life, I think you should make new friends.....
Cobber9 Posted May 12, 2012 Posted May 12, 2012 Nordic, it sounds like you have made up your mind. I would just keep your antenna up for a long while, serial cheaters get better and better at keeping secrets and hiding things, and they have a terrific way of making you feel like you are the crazy one for thinking that just because you couldn't get a hold of them for a couple hours while they went to the store, that they are cheating. Trust your instincts. In the end though, don't compromise your happiness. Don't make someone a priority if your just an option.
Author NordicStripes Posted May 12, 2012 Author Posted May 12, 2012 Thank you all so much for your responses, your input. I am at a very confused time in my life now, and just knowing that other people understand and have maybe lived the same, makes me feel not so alone. ScienceGal, what you said is something I hadn't even considered. Going through the whole relationship in my mind, I feel that what you say about him not being able to cope with situations is probably true. He had no control whatsoever. Not about what he was doing with his life, and not about the fact that our relationship wasn't going well at all. He took control. In an incredibly pathetic and dirty way, but I guess that's what he did. I do have many happy memories with him as well. It's hard to say goodbye to someone you feel does fit with you. It's hard to say goodbye to your best friend. I have gone to individual counseling since we broke up. My ex is now starting individual counseling this week. I have agreed to go to couples counseling at least once. To see if there is any hope left according to someone who gets to see our dynamics. I'm not prepared to lose more precious time in life to someone who isn't worth it. But I want to be 100% sure if I give up on him, and us. I don't want to think back on this in 10 years time and feel like I've let go of the love of my life. As pathetic as that may sound Thank you all so much for your support. It means a lot to me. Hi Nordic, First off, don't feel attacked. Some people don't know how to express their point of view without sounding harsh and angry. I have given some pretty snippy responses, but in retrospect I see it was more about where I was in my life (hurt, sad, depressed, angry) than the post I was responding to. It's easy to look at someone else's situation, use it as an outlet, and rip it apart. The concern that I have with your ex is his apparent lack of healthy stress management methods. I don't doubt he is sorry, but what about in the future when things get tough again? Relationships are full of ups and downs and I worry that he will resort to selfishness and poor choices once again. I also think that him being easily influenced ties into this. He doesn't sound as though he values himself enough, and therefore can never value you enough, to make a lasting relationship in which you'll both feel happy and fulfilled. He was frustrated with his life and the relationship, so he controlled one of the only things he could... his sexual power. He did not care deeply for that other woman, but it was something he could control. It was something that made him feel power and pleasure, even if for a short time. This isn't good. I'm worried that the good choices he is making right now are likely temporary because he is desperate to win you back. This is just my opinion based upon what I've read and personal experience with people who make similar choices and experience similar regret. Imagine yourself spending the next 5 years with this man, or the next 10. Do you honestly believe he will never betray you like this again? In your gut, do you truly believe this is the man you should spend the rest of your life with or are you wanting what is familiar and what you know can feel good (even temporarily)? When I miss my ex I like to think of myself in the future when I'm retired. I don't see him as my husband, which makes me realize what I feel sometimes is not an indication we should be together. It's just raw emotion. It's my mind struggling to break away from the pattern, from what was so familiar. I understand the weight this choice carries. I hope whichever one you make, it is the best for you in the long run. If you choose to give him another chance I would work out some positive ways to communicate and disagree. I strongly recommend at least trying counseling if that is feasible. If not, do some research and read books/guides. You two need to learn to come together during times of disagreement and he needs better stress management. Good luck.
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