beenburned Posted May 11, 2012 Posted May 11, 2012 After reading several threads about how the MM was there for you, I have a question. How did the MM make so much time for you without his wife getting suspictious? Or were they already separated when you began dating? Or traveled a lot for their job?
wellwhynot Posted May 11, 2012 Posted May 11, 2012 After reading several threads about how the MM was there for you, I have a question. How did the MM make so much time for you without his wife getting suspictious? Or were they already separated when you began dating? Or traveled a lot for their job? I don't actually know how he manages it. His marriage is pretty much his concern as far as I'm concerned. He does travel a bit for work, but not an excessive amount. He just makes time. She doesn't seem to care what he does from what I have seen and observed.
Radagast Posted May 11, 2012 Posted May 11, 2012 My ex-wife had no interest in what I did or where I went or with who as long as I paid enough money into the joint account every month and attended to chores around the house. She was convinced that no one else would even look at me, so suspicion didn't enter her mind.
Got it Posted May 11, 2012 Posted May 11, 2012 After reading several threads about how the MM was there for you, I have a question. How did the MM make so much time for you without his wife getting suspictious? Or were they already separated when you began dating? Or traveled a lot for their job? In my case, my ex and I led pretty separate lives so there wasn't much hiding or sneaking. It was also such a short period of time that that contributed as well. In dMM's case, he and his ex lead separate lives with limited interaction and he did travel some for work. She didn't start to get suspicious until he started discussing divorce. But there was little hiding in regards to time together, phone calls, etc.
Got it Posted May 11, 2012 Posted May 11, 2012 My ex-wife had no interest in what I did or where I went or with who as long as I paid enough money into the joint account every month and attended to chores around the house. She was convinced that no one else would even look at me, so suspicion didn't enter her mind. I believe this was similar with dMM. She had an affair a few years prior and gave little interest towards remorse when he found out other than its over, move on. They coparented well together but their lives were very separate. It was apparent he was there to maintain the lifestyle. I don't think she expected another woman to be attracted to him. He regrets greatly not leaving after her affair but he didn't want to be away from his kids.
wellwhynot Posted May 11, 2012 Posted May 11, 2012 I think the very separate lives scenario is much more common than many people would like to believe. It gets bandied about as an "excuse" but in reality I think it's actually very prevalent. 2
stillwater Posted May 11, 2012 Posted May 11, 2012 MW claimed to be working late a lot of the time, but I don't know why her H didn't call her on it more than he supposedly did. There were a number of nights she wouldn't get home till midnight or 1am.
trinity1 Posted May 11, 2012 Posted May 11, 2012 MW claimed to be working late a lot of the time, but I don't know why her H didn't call her on it more than he supposedly did. There were a number of nights she wouldn't get home till midnight or 1am. Neo "works" a lot too. And late.
Lostinlife4now Posted May 11, 2012 Posted May 11, 2012 XMM had NO trouble seeing me.....He travels around the world, and goes out anytime he wants to. I mean even on Saturday nites, he would meet me for dinner. MM had no problems coming and going as he pleases. Wife doesn't really care, as long as her bills are getting paid and she is taking care of her kids....she is happy.
jwi71 Posted May 11, 2012 Posted May 11, 2012 I think the natural follow up Q is to ask: "Are you happy with the amount of time you get? If not, what can one do to get more (or less) time?"
Emme Posted May 11, 2012 Posted May 11, 2012 My ex-wife had no interest in what I did or where I went or with who as long as I paid enough money into the joint account every month and attended to chores around the house. She was convinced that no one else would even look at me, so suspicion didn't enter her mind. That is the most honest response I have ever read. Wow!
wellwhynot Posted May 11, 2012 Posted May 11, 2012 I think the natural follow up Q is to ask: "Are you happy with the amount of time you get? If not, what can one do to get more (or less) time?" I think when there aren't enough seconds in every minute, nor enough minutes in an hour or hours in a day to say and do everything you want to do with someone, then there is never going to be enough time. However...I spend more time with him than I have pretty much any man that has ever been in my life. Hours a day, plus date nights, vacations, overnights. We manage it all.
Angelina527 Posted May 11, 2012 Posted May 11, 2012 When my husband and I were in our affair, he used going to the gym as his excuse. Don't get me wrong, I adore my husband, but if he would have spent half as much time working on his marriage rather than "going to the gym" then we would all know that he left for the right reasons in the end. When he was then cheating on me, he was being reckless and leaving work to meet with his OW.
Bellechica Posted May 11, 2012 Posted May 11, 2012 I didn't make enough time for my OM and it pissed him off. He would make me feel bad when I rushed home to my H.
Gentlegirl2 Posted May 11, 2012 Posted May 11, 2012 xMM's wife was pretty much tied up with a big charity organisation. She was away a lot with conferences, meetings and connected social events. She finally became president. As long as he paid the bills and did the garden, she never seemed to be suspicious about him. After many years of this he told me he began to feel unimportant to her. GG
anne1707 Posted May 11, 2012 Posted May 11, 2012 I didn't make enough time for my OM and it pissed him off. He would make me feel bad when I rushed home to my H. Same for me too. At the end of the day, it was my H I wanted to be with. 1
Summer Breeze Posted May 12, 2012 Posted May 12, 2012 I have no idea how managed the time away. He did travel some for work but not excessively. Like sadintexas there were virtually no restrictions. I don't remember one time where a call or text went unanswered or delayed for very long. Was it enough time? It was right up until the end. When I wanted more I left the R just as he knew I would.
trinity1 Posted May 12, 2012 Posted May 12, 2012 After reading several threads about how the MM was there for you, I have a question. How did the MM make so much time for you without his wife getting suspictious?If I was her, I would have been on to the EMR long ago. It seems to be her nature to have blinders on and not rock the boat as long as he is still with her. I saw her comment on Facebook that they were like two ships passing in the dark of the night, so the two of them really can't be getting much quality time together. Or were they already separated when you began dating? Or traveled a lot for their job?Neo had never traveled on his own before our relationship but he goes to a lot of "conferences" now.
skylarblue Posted May 13, 2012 Posted May 13, 2012 xMM had a “happy” M, and his and W life was very integrated. For a long time, xMM and I would meet during his work hours or after his work. I don’t think it aroused much suspicion because he wasn’t come home late all of the time. After, awhile he started seeing me after work all the time and was coming home 3-4hrs late every night. I think that’s when her suspicions started (or at least when xMM mentioned) about 3.5yrs into the A. The more xMM and I became involved, the more he’d see me, and the more her suspicions grew. He started to also see me after errands, outings, class, etc, whenever he was out of the house, so he was would always get calls about why he was taking so long, or I’d meet him wherever he was legitimately. Sometimes he’d leave right after W would leave the house and either get back before she returned or lie about where he’d gone if she called to ask where he was. Sometimes he’d just lie about where he was going and meet me instead. Sometimes he’d sneak out of the house after she went to bed. Obviously, whenever she was away for the evening I’d see him then too. As I grew frustrated with the A overall, I became resentful of him “making time for me”, the limitations with how much time and when, and having to adapt my schedule to revolve around hers. I started to refuse to do it anymore which didn’t go over well with xMM.
RickFox Posted May 13, 2012 Posted May 13, 2012 I work nights, I made time for my xMW on my days off and would see her mornings after we dropped our kids off from school and when I woke up before picking our kids up. I lost alot of sleep for that *^# We had all day together, and when we needed our 'fix', a sudden coordinated run to the grocery store would be the route we'd take. Problem is, you're gone for an hour and return home with one or two items... yeah...I thought I was slick....not.
Author beenburned Posted May 13, 2012 Author Posted May 13, 2012 sky, Thank you for your honesty! My H's cheating all happened during normal working hours or lunch. They used work phones or pay phones to set up their times to meet. The big red flag for me was the sudden change in his whole personality! FS, All of the cheating happened early in our marriage when I was busy with 2 young children. I was young, naive, and very trusting. I had heard stories about how wild H's co-workers were, but I never thought he would stoop to their level.
cocorico Posted May 14, 2012 Posted May 14, 2012 After reading several threads about how the MM was there for you, I have a question. How did the MM make so much time for you without his wife getting suspictious? Or were they already separated when you began dating? Or traveled a lot for their job? In my view how he made time was his problem, not mine. He knew what my expectations were and that he had to be there for me and it was up to him to make it happen whether she got suspicious or not. We did travel quite a bit because we both enjoy that but it was all discretionary and it wasn't as if he would have lost his job if he chose to take fewer holidays abroad with me, so that wasn't really a disguise for us to spend time together. And it wasn't as if she was gagging to spend time with him either. If he wasn't with me he'd have been alone or at work.
Spark1111 Posted May 14, 2012 Posted May 14, 2012 It was work related in a new job that sometimes required travel. Sometimes I went with him, sometimes she did. He would see her after work for a few hours a few times a week under the guise of having to work late. And you'd have to see all the texts between them to realize how much planning had to go into those two-hour social visits. I loved and trusted him, so I completely supported him in his goals....like climbing the corporate ladder or going to the gym if that is what he wanted. We still had an active social life and a lot of extended family issues to attend to. He was, for the most part, with me on weekends. I was very lonely though, as if he was a million miles away. When I asked him to spend more time with me, just me, he always begged off with a work excuse, or he'd pick a fight over something stupid. Two ships passing in the night is the perfect way to describe it. I wonder if he NEEDED it to be true for him so he could continue in the affair, but it was NEVER what I wanted for us. I do not know how or why she put up with so little time. I guess he had a million excuses for her too.
Ninja'sHusband Posted May 14, 2012 Posted May 14, 2012 xOMM and my STBXW did their thing when they were supposed to be in MA class...or afterwards when my STBXW was supposedly hanging out with friends at a restaurant. Or at MA seminars, conferences, tournaments, etc. So yeah neither of the BSs suspected because our WSs were normally gone at these times. I did get a little suspicious when she started staying out later than usual...I should have heeded the signs better. 1
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