My fiance.

[Kaplan]

Keep in mind this is my fiance, not some random chick I've been dating.

 

Well, the last few days she's been getting angry at me a lot of the time for little things, when I try to talk to her she ignores me, she keeps muttering stuff under her breath, and when I ask her, "What did you say?" she just ignores me. If I try to talk to her about her behavior she gets mad at me for bringing it up.

 

In spite of this, we've had a few good moments together, and I've been especially in love with her lately, and today I bought her flowers and wrote a long note about how much I love her.

 

So I texted and called her a few times this afternoon to figure out how much time I had to put the flowers and everything together before she came home, and I'm pretty sure she just ignored me. About four hours later she came home without responding and walked by the flowers and the note that was wrapped-up in a gay, little bow (forgive me, that's how I am )

 

Anyway, she started getting annoyed, mean, and rude with me about stupid stuff. I pressed to find out what's wrong and she eventually said, "I'm sorry. I don't know. I guess I'm just irritable."

 

Anyway, she never said anything about the flowers and the note. I asked, "Did you see the flowers I got you?" And she said, "Yes." And several hours later I asked, "Did you read the note I left you?" And she said, "Yes." She never said, "Thank you for the flowers," or, "Thank you for pouring your heart out in that note." When I wrote the note I think I actually cried a little, it was so important to me (what I was saying.) Although, it's all stuff we've said before.

 

Then I tried to hang out with her, even though she kept acting like she wanted nothing to do with me, and eventually she said something about me being on a "bender" about her being mad at me or something. I asked what she meant and she started to say something, then looked really irritated and said, "Nevermind." I asked what it was that she wanted to say and she said, "Nevermind, 'I will pick my battles.'" She's said that before, 'pick your battles,' and I don't understand what it really means (any insight?)

 

Anyway, I know it's stupid since flowers are such a small, stupid gesture, but when I picked them out I was thinking about the kinds of flowers she liked and the colors she liked, and I wouldn't have spent that much money on something that I'd like as much as I anticipated she'd like the flowers. I went through all the trouble of getting them just because I wanted to make her smile just a little bit. And the only reason I got flowers was to go along with the note that I only wrote because I felt compelled to say how I felt to the woman I love because my feelings were so intense. In other words, I can tell by my actions that I love this woman a whole lot. And it bothers me that she doesn't seem to appreciate that. Is that stupid?

 

Anyway, can anyone offer any insight into what's going on with her?

 

Anyway, I don't understand women that well. Can anybody give any insight into what this girl is thinking?

[bean1]

I am a recently married woman btw, so I have to wonder:

 

Do you spoil her or something? Is she some kind of princess attitude? I can't imagine not immediately phoning my fiance/husband and being so flattered about a flower gesture. Shocking.

 

As for her muttering, sounds like she has poor abilities to approach you about things that bother her. She seems like a moody girl in general???

[Kaplan]

No, I don't spoil her.

 

She is moody though. And she has some communication issues.

[udolipixie]

Seems like her resentment, bitterness, and negativity towards you have reached a boiling point so the little things one tends to overlook for those they like are now annoying.

 

Perhaps she is like many gals with the 'pick your battles' mindset who while they don't argue or let their partner beware of the issue they still hold onto the anger, hurt, and other negative emotions associated with it.

 

Likely she doesn't appreciate the gestures like the flowers & note because she's not in a mood to receive them or enjoy them as she doesn't like you as she did before. Such as a guy in a sexless marriage may not appreciate his wife's cooking, cleaning, working, and taking care of the children when he's hurt, upset, and jaded by the lack of sex.

 

Probably best suited to communicate with her that you don't want her to pick her battles and to let it out. Otherwise that pent up bottle will explode and it won't be pretty.

[d'Arthez]

It is not necessarily you if she is moody. Could be a lot of other stresses (family, work) that contribute to this. In general though, if people get upset about small things, that is because they do not know how to (or are unable to) deal with bigger issues in their lives.

[missyme04]

Hmmmm. Study her behavior first. 2 days with that kind of attitude is fine but when that kind of approach goes beyond couple of days or weeks? Well, you should ask her why she's like that or what's bothering her. Dont spoil her too much. (advice from a woman) hehe

[TaraMaiden]

I'm of the opinion that her behaviour could be classified as 'passive~aggressive'.

 

She will not be drawn into an argument and just replies monosyllabically to avoid open confrontation (passive) but gives off very hostile vibes and blocks you off angrily (aggressive).

 

There is patently obviously some underlying dissatisfaction there, and i think you need to take her out onto neutral territory - where she can't retreat or make a scene - and tell her flat out:

 

"Something isn't working, and is seriously wrong.

You can either discuss it with me and tell me what is really on your mind - or maybe we should consider counselling."

 

Now, I've said this before (so many times that I've actually copied/pasted this in a document to pull up as the appropriate situation arises!), but Counselling isn't to keep something going.....

 

 

Counselling . is . not . designed . to . keep . people . together.

 

No, it's not.

 

Counselling provides people with a safe, level and even playing field where each partner can express themselves calmly, openly and safely, and really reveal what is on their mind and discuss things logically with an eventual hope of a healthy compromise.

Counsellors are not there to do the work for you.

They arbitrate and guide, suggest and open up avenues of further dialogue, but their job is neither to teach nor preach, and they can't fix anything.

 

You have to fix ‘anything’.

 

The problem is - both people have to want it.

Because one person, on their own, cannot fix what ails 2 people.

A relationship is a partnership, and both people are 100% responsible for their 50% of the partnership.

 

'Blame' is more proportional, but the responsibility of relationship maintenance goes right down the middle.

 

So something between you two, has broken down, and the relationship needs some serious maintenance.

'Fuel, oil, water, electrics, hoses' - the "full service".

 

Unless of course, one or both of you is/are prepared to let it be consigned to the scrapheap.....

Edited May 11, 2012 by TaraMaiden

[serial muse]

Hi Kaplan. I remember your threads - this is the same woman who didn't really want to kiss you a few months back, right? And that was before you got engaged, I guess.

 

Reading your previous threads about your relationship...I have to say that she doesn't sound "moody" to me. She sounds like a woman who doesn't want to get married to you, and someone who isn't in love, and yet is staying in the relationship for other reasons of her own. I know that you love her a lot, but the picture you've painted here of your relationship makes it appear really one-sided; you've consistently had a lot of uncertainty from her, and have weathered a lot of unkind behavior.

 

I know that the reality can be quite different, as people tend to post on LS when they're having problems, which skews things. And of course we don't know her side.

 

But that said - are you really sure that you want to be married to someone who is so hot and cold to you? Or even - again, this is what it looks like from your threads on LS - primarily cold?

 

I suggest that maybe you should really go back and read the various things you've written here, just to see the pattern. This ambivalent thing on her part has been going on for months, it seems. Why she won't be open with you about what's going on with her is another question -- but in the end, the most important question is this: Do you really want to deal with that for the rest of your life? Or do you want to be with someone who really loves it -- and can say so -- when you bring her flowers?? Someone who really appreciates you?

 

Edited to add: I hope that this post didn't come off as cruel. You sound like a good person, and I just hope you won't continue to sell yourself short by putting up with behavior that you don't deserve.

Edited May 11, 2012 by serial muse

[veggirl]

I also read your backstory and I assume it's this same woman. I think she does not want to be with you. And when she is being a bratty bitch, buying her flowers and writing her a love letter is the last thing you should be doing.

 

I think you need to stand up for yourself some more and quit coddling to her jerky moods.

 

How long have you even been together? She doesn't even initiate kisses....why are you with this girl again? This is what you want for the rest of your life? Why?

Edited May 11, 2012 by veggirl

[Ruby Slippers]

Yeah, it sounds like you're more into her than she is you. She's acting like an ungrateful, spoiled brat. I wouldn't waste my energy like that if I were you.

[bean1]

Ok I read the back thread.

 

 

 

............... Dude.

 

Holy heck. You two are at the stage right now where you think of nothing but animalistic sex on the kitchen floor for no random reason. Where you ignore your phone because she calls you at work so much and wants to tell you stupid things that don't matter. Where you call each other stupid silly names.

 

No real bills, no KIDS, no real responsibilities yet. No "dull" period where you need to spice things up, nothing. NOT YET.

 

This woman is acting the way men complain their wives are in 30 years when they grow apart and fell out of love.

 

THIS WILL NOT GET BETTER WITH MARRIAGE. And holy heck, certainly not with children.

 

You are looking at a lifetime without intimacy here, is that really what you want??

[Kaplan]

Yeah, it's the same girl. I guess that's what I'm wondering now is whether she really loves me and wants to be with me and all that. And the physical thing is still going on; she's usually not interested in any kind of physical affection from me.

 

It's very frustrating because whenever I try to speak with her about anything she get's angry.

 

I often feel like this guy who's in love with and marrying a woman who doesn't love him back. It's a tough situation though. What I tend to think is that she's just moody sometimes, but maybe I was wrong about her. If I'm not going to marry her then I'm pretty sure I'm going to end up crying for about a year, but I'd rather do that then ruin the rest of my life marrying someone who doesn't love me.

 

I need to have a serious talk with her and get several issues sorted out. Figure out what the heck is going on with her.

 

Serial Muse, no that wasn't cruel. That's probably exactly what I would say to someone like me. Obviously there's another side to the relationship, but this side doesn't make sense to me and makes me feel unloved and unappreciated.

[Kaplan]

Bean, yeah, I keep thinking 'If she's this uninterested in me now, what's it going to be like five years from now?'

[d'Arthez]

In my earlier response I just gave you my perspective without knowing a thing about your relationship history.

 

Bean, yeah, I keep thinking 'If she's this uninterested in me now, what's it going to be like five years from now?'

If you are wondering about that now - and obviously you do - you need to seriously give thought to breaking off things. And it seems more a question of "how" rather than "whether or not" you should break off things.

[Ruby Slippers]

And the physical thing is still going on; she's usually not interested in any kind of physical affection from me.

I'm sorry, but this is a terrible sign. You could probably draw more affection out of her by withholding it yourself, but why bother? She's just not that into you. I know it sucks, but you need to face the truth.

 

It's very frustrating because whenever I try to speak with her about anything she get's angry.

She's getting something out of this relationship, and you're getting stiffed. When you bring this up, she gets pissy. And apparently, you simmer down and give her her way again. Dude, when a man (or woman) with backbone sees a problem, he deals with it. You just keep resigning and running away - so you look like the scared puppy.

 

When you're young or less experienced, you're more scared that you'll never find anyone as awesome again ever. So you tend to put up with a lot of crap you shouldn't. The energy between the two of you now, in the earlier stages, is almost surely the best it's going to be.

 

If I'm not going to marry her then I'm pretty sure I'm going to end up crying for about a year, but I'd rather do that then ruin the rest of my life marrying someone who doesn't love me.

Yep. You cry for 2 years if you have to. Then move on and find someone who appreciates you.

 

I need to have a serious talk with her and get several issues sorted out. Figure out what the heck is going on with her.

More talking is the last thing you need to do. You've got the facts. If I were you, I'd back away a little and do some thinking on my own, without dangling on the end of her string.

[Woggle]

Whatever you do don't marry her.

[dasein]

Magic 8 Ball say:

 

 

Get shed of this woman yesterday. As others say, it's not going to improve, and once you are trapped, you are trapped well and good, and you will have no one but yourself to blame. Good luck extricating yourself and finding better options.

[veggirl]

You really need to get a grip OP. You sound very whipped, tbh.

 

If my math is correct you've been together ~one year? Why are you already engaged when you've had this problem? You had it when she was just your GF and you proposed when it was still ongoing!! I'd be shocked if she went through with the wedding--or if she does, if she isn't sleeping with someone else either now or within 6 mos of your marriage.

 

You've been having this issue for MONTHS. Has it improved at ALL?

 

What are you even getting out of this crappy relationship?

 

You really should dump her. She is seriously not into you

 

Plus you have tried and tried to talk about this with her- you said it makes her "angry". So what now, you're try again to talk to her? And what happens when she gets "angry" again?!

[Feelsgoodman]

Anyway, I don't understand women that well. Can anybody give any insight into what this girl is thinking?

You are right that you don't understand women very well. First of all, rewarding her crappy behavior with flowers and lengthy love notes was not a very good idea. In fact, it was a disastrous idea. Your fiance is irritable and rude because she doesn't respect you. And she doesn't respect you because she sees you as spineless and weak (and your behavior is only reinforcing this belief). Once a woman starts to perceive you as weak, she will grow to despise you. Unfortunately, this process is already well under way in your relationship. There is also a good chance that your fiance has already started cheating on you.

[FitChick]

Do you have a date set for the wedding? Have you or she paid the various deposits for venue, catering, etc.? Even if you have paid, it's worth losing a small amount of money to be free to find someone more suited to you.

 

My friend lost a small fortune on her daughter's dream Beverly Hills wedding when the daughter called it off. But six months later she met a wonderful man, heir to a fortune, they got married and had two kids and are still happily married. Maybe this is your wake up call to not settle.

[darkmoon]

"she kept acting like she wanted nothing to do with me, and eventually she said something about me being on a "bender" about her being mad at me or something"

 

i almost hate to say -

 

but perhaps as you went on a "bender" she's not big on alcohol-antics, i think she should stop being like she is, yes, but a bender would be a red flag for me, you should take up with a co-bendee, and both get totally drunk forever or stop being a boozy partner

Edited May 11, 2012 by darkmoon

[Kaplan]

The "bender" thing was just a funny way she used the word. There was no alcohol involved.

 

Anyway, guys, I appreciate all the advice, and I don't blame you at all for saying what you're all saying. I probably would be saying the same stuff if it was someone else. But you know, a guy isn't "whipped" or a "coward" if he buys his fiance flowers. The fact I bought her flowers had nothing to do with her behavior. It's ridiculous to suggest that when she's going through something I should stop doing nice things for her. If someone acted like that in a relationship than the relationship would fail the first time there was any kind of problem. And I definately am the leader in our relationship. If it wasn't for me leading us to deal with our problems we would have broken up a long time ago.

 

And again, there's another side to this relationship. The bad moods, and the lack of affection, and the apparent lack of appreciation aren't the whole relationship. Things are great when they're not crappy. I think she's a difficult person to be with in a way. I'm only just starting to get her to talk about problems without just getting upset and trying to fight. It's a little frustrating that I have to do 90% of the work when there's a problem, but I still think she loves me, in spite of all this stuff. Honestly, she's just crazy. And I tell her that.

 

I talked to her about it last night, and her new birth control came up again. In my last thread about her rejecting me physically I mentioned how she suggested that her birth control was causing the problem. Part of me thinks that sounds ridiculous, but at the same time, all our problems did start right after she started taking the pill. It's weird how sudden and dramatic a change it was and how soon it happened after the pill. Anyway, I'm going to try to get her to quit the pill. If she does and things don't improve than it must be something else.

 

Anyway, maybe one day I'll be posting on here about how I'm breaking up with her, but I'm not ready to give up yet.

[FitChick]

There are many different types of birth control pills. Tell her to ask her doctor to switch her brand, mentioning the drastic mood swings.

[veggirl]

The "bender" thing was just a funny way she used the word. There was no alcohol involved.

 

Anyway, guys, I appreciate all the advice, and I don't blame you at all for saying what you're all saying. I probably would be saying the same stuff if it was someone else. But you know, a guy isn't "whipped" or a "coward" if he buys his fiance flowers. The fact I bought her flowers had nothing to do with her behavior. It's ridiculous to suggest that when she's going through something I should stop doing nice things for her. If someone acted like that in a relationship than the relationship would fail the first time there was any kind of problem. And I definately am the leader in our relationship. If it wasn't for me leading us to deal with our problems we would have broken up a long time ago.

 

And again, there's another side to this relationship. The bad moods, and the lack of affection, and the apparent lack of appreciation aren't the whole relationship. Things are great when they're not crappy. I think she's a difficult person to be with in a way. I'm only just starting to get her to talk about problems without just getting upset and trying to fight. It's a little frustrating that I have to do 90% of the work when there's a problem, but I still think she loves me, in spite of all this stuff. Honestly, she's just crazy. And I tell her that.

 

I talked to her about it last night, and her new birth control came up again. In my last thread about her rejecting me physically I mentioned how she suggested that her birth control was causing the problem. Part of me thinks that sounds ridiculous, but at the same time, all our problems did start right after she started taking the pill. It's weird how sudden and dramatic a change it was and how soon it happened after the pill. Anyway, I'm going to try to get her to quit the pill. If she does and things don't improve than it must be something else.

 

Anyway, maybe one day I'll be posting on here about how I'm breaking up with her, but I'm not ready to give up yet.

 

None of this painted your R in a more positive light. It sounds worse and worse the more you tell us about it, TBH.

 

I don't know why you are putting up with a relationship you have to do 90% of the work in. Sounds fun. Or one with a crazy person.

 

Whatever floats your boat, I guess, but I'm not sure why you don't think you deserve or can get a woman who is not crazy, loves you, and will put in equal effort. That's what a healthy relationship is...

 

Well, good luck. Hope your girl starts acting like she AT LEAST LIKES you soon.

[Kaplan]

She acts like she likes me some of the time!