callmegee Posted May 11, 2012 Posted May 11, 2012 He's 50 and more than 15 years older than me. Single, never married, and dead serious about wanting a wife. Decent man, wants to settle down, starting to intensify his interest in me. The guy is serious! I dunno how to decide whether to move forward and continue being with him or should I run and never look back. He gives me the impression like he's gonna pounce on me and propose anytime.... hahaha. One thing for sure.... if i do marry this man, we'd most likely have only one or two kids.... i mean come on.... he would be in his 50's by that time. That kinda scares me, and kinda sad.... i secretly want as many kids as possible. Also sad to think he might not be there for me when it's my turn to grow old, since our age difference is a big gap. He's the first man ever to hint at allowing me to be a homemaker after marriage. I'm so tempted to take up his offer. What should I do?
TaraMaiden Posted May 11, 2012 Posted May 11, 2012 Bit of advice I learnt many years ago, that is basically applicable to anything and everything that crosses your mind, or you have to make a choice/decision about: "If it feels good, do it. If in any doubt - don't." 5
DuchessKaye Posted May 11, 2012 Posted May 11, 2012 Do you like him? Or you just like the idea of getting married soon and having kids right away? 1
d'Arthez Posted May 11, 2012 Posted May 11, 2012 He's the first man ever to hint at allowing me to be a homemaker after marriage. I'm so tempted to take up his offer. What should I do? Before you make the decision talk it through with him. He may not be thrilled about having children in his life until he is 75 or even 80 years old (if he makes that). Also the finances would be something that needs to be discussed. How comfortable would his retirement be? Or does that mean that after 15 years of staying at home, you'd suddenly find yourself too old and underskilled for an increasingly demanding labour market? Don't do anything on the spur of the moment. You will come to regret it. 1
MaybeMilitary Posted May 11, 2012 Posted May 11, 2012 I have a lot of friends who's parents have big age gaps between them. We are talking 25 yrs difference. Ok none of their dads were very hands on active parents (it seems the men were always older than their partner) when they were little kids. I know someone who is 23 and went out with a 51yr old for 2 yrs. . . Yep if it makes you happy and he is what you want then do it. 1
Emilia Posted May 11, 2012 Posted May 11, 2012 Probably one kid, two if you are lucky, he is pushing it a bit and you are already 35 too. Not a great combination for having children. If you end up settling down with him your whole life will be about taking care of people, by the time the kids grow up he will need some kind of care probably. But then your comment 'allowing me to be a homemaker after marriage' makes me think you don't want anything else. 1
kaylan Posted May 11, 2012 Posted May 11, 2012 Desperate OP is desperate. Settling = Unhappy life ahead. Dont settle on what you really want. Raising kids with someone this much older than you wholl be a senior citizen by the kids high school age? What about your sex life once you hit your 40s? A lot of women go through a large peak in their 30s and 40s...can he keep up? I dunno about this OP, youre making some strong compromises here. Sounds like you love the idea of marriage, not this guy. 2
Author callmegee Posted May 12, 2012 Author Posted May 12, 2012 Do you like him? Or you just like the idea of getting married soon and having kids right away? I'm actively dating and carefully considering potential candidates for my husband. Raising kids with someone this much older than you wholl be a senior citizen by the kids high school age? What about your sex life once you hit your 40s? A lot of women go through a large peak in their 30s and 40s...can he keep up? I dunno about this OP, youre making some strong compromises here. Sounds like you love the idea of marriage, not this guy. To both Duchess and Kaylan, yes.... I'm starting to like the guy. That's why I'm thinking real hard now on whether to buck and run or to go through all the way till death do us part. Before you make the decision talk it through with him. He may not be thrilled about having children in his life until he is 75 or even 80 years old (if he makes that). Also the finances would be something that needs to be discussed. How comfortable would his retirement be? Or does that mean that after 15 years of staying at home, you'd suddenly find yourself too old and underskilled for an increasingly demanding labour market? Don't do anything on the spur of the moment. You will come to regret it. We talked about kids and he wants kids too. I don't think the retirement part would be an issue since he has his own business. Probably one kid, two if you are lucky, he is pushing it a bit and you are already 35 too. Not a great combination for having children. If you end up settling down with him your whole life will be about taking care of people, by the time the kids grow up he will need some kind of care probably. But then your comment 'allowing me to be a homemaker after marriage' makes me think you don't want anything else. Yeah... say in another 15 years from now, I'll be in my 40's and I might have to take care of 2 sets of aging parents, some teenagers and a husband who is 65 and I wouldn't even be near 50 y.o myself yet. That's a lot to consider. Also.... possibly * Widowed in my 50's * Teenagers without their father around * Lonely in my old age when kids leave the nest I'm kinda feeling the impact of our age gap even now... he doesn't take me on dates like the guys my age.... it's all posh restaurants and classy places. I know this man can take good care of me but Sigh! If only he was closer to my age, I'd marry him immediately! :D
Ninjainpajamas Posted May 12, 2012 Posted May 12, 2012 I'm actively dating and carefully considering potential candidates for my husband. To both Duchess and Kaylan, yes.... I'm starting to like the guy. That's why I'm thinking real hard now on whether to buck and run or to go through all the way till death do us part. Sigh! If only he was closer to my age, I'd marry him immediately! :D You have....quite the standard! I mean how do you choose from so many men that you "like"! Isn't life great...you can imagine all of these magical without using 5 percent of your brain other than the part that tells you "wait a minute..I should think about this here!"...you know what they say...when in doubt make an impulsive decisions avoiding all reality! You've got to be out of your mind...this is the kind of thing that just boggles my mind about some women, are the lights on but nobody's home? a guy that's 50 years old and never been married, no but you're going to be the diamond in the rough (whom you're not even in love with) that's going to make you the trophy wife you've always wanted to be at home so you can sit around at his place while you pop out 10 kids while he takes care of all the bills and everything is just fine and dandy...are we back in the 50's? did I enter a time warp? I mean what could be better than marrying a guy you don't even hardly know! that's 15 years older and 50 years never been married! no red flags whatsoever! I'm sure you're the only woman in 50 years he's ever told these things too! but you know...when that bug bites ya, I guess that's all that matters right? The face of the matter is it's likely going to come down to how much effort he's going to put in and how much of your conscience brain you're actually willing to ignore rather than picture the nice little fantasy of what could be because everything seems so perfect right...Is it just because I'm not a woman that I can't jump on this band wagon of fantasy? Is this how women typically have "fun" playing with their imagination and potential "husbands" that they don't even know but willing to have kids with and get married on a whim? You know...some of these LS topics I shouldn't even read...why god/creator/magical spirit/universe explosion did you put me here?! why!! ::shakes fist to the sky:: 4
TaraMaiden Posted May 12, 2012 Posted May 12, 2012 If only he was closer to my age, I'd marry him immediately! :D that's a big 'If'. In fact, it is THE 'If' to end all if's. Because patently, he's not, and never will be. Let me say here what I have said elsewhere. He would never have considered dating you when he was 20. Out of the question, not even an issue. it's such a ridiculous thought, it doesn't even bear consideration.... Certainly, at 25, he would have been, according to current and local social standards, sick. Even at 30, he would have been pushing his luck, and have incurred the wrath of both caring adults and the law. At 40, it might have been viewed as questionable, and whether the liaison was wise. Now? Well, yeah, there's an age-difference, but hey, you're both adults, you should know what you're doing, right? move on 20 years. you're 55. He's a pensioner, given up work, and could well be fit, chipper and enjoying his retirement. But he could also be ill, weak, and in need of mediction, care and looking after 24/7. Not an unrealistic scenario, because it happens, and life holds no guarantees. Life has a habit of dealing us cards we don't expect, could be unprepared for, and have no idea how to play. Maybe - on the other foot - something could happen to you - and he hends up, in his 70's, having to look after you and care for you round the clock. Is he capable of doing that? And for how long? In brief, at one end of the age-spectrum dating is ridiculous and frankly illegal, if not socially and morally questionable. At the other end, it ceases to become a relationship, and becomes instead a partnership where one person becomes the nurse, carer and life-assistant to the other. How long do you guys have, from now, before that becomes a reality? not even another of your lifetimes. much less. Think. 2
kaylan Posted May 12, 2012 Posted May 12, 2012 To both Duchess and Kaylan, yes.... I'm starting to like the guy. That's why I'm thinking real hard now on whether to buck and run or to go through all the way till death do us part. And? Starting to just like someone is a lot different than loving them deeply. You need love for a successful and happy marriage, not this settling behavior where you basically force yourself to like him enough. Come on now. Dont sell yourself short. 2
Author callmegee Posted May 12, 2012 Author Posted May 12, 2012 Maybe I should have mentioned in my first post that I'm online dating. Perhaps Kaylan and Ninja wouldn't freak out and think I've accepted the man's proposal. Come on you guys.... a man shows interest and I have to consider and respond to him. Not about to marry the fella right away. My ma & pa would freak out on me worse if I did. :laugh: that's a big 'If'. In fact, it is THE 'If' to end all if's. Because patently, he's not, and never will be. move on 20 years. you're 55. He's a pensioner, given up work, and could well be fit, chipper and enjoying his retirement. But he could also be ill, weak, and in need of mediction, care and looking after 24/7. Not an unrealistic scenario, because it happens, and life holds no guarantees. Life has a habit of dealing us cards we don't expect, could be unprepared for, and have no idea how to play. Maybe - on the other foot - something could happen to you - and he hends up, in his 70's, having to look after you and care for you round the clock. Is he capable of doing that? And for how long? In brief, at one end of the age-spectrum dating is ridiculous and frankly illegal, if not socially and morally questionable. At the other end, it ceases to become a relationship, and becomes instead a partnership where one person becomes the nurse, carer and life-assistant to the other. How long do you guys have, from now, before that becomes a reality? not even another of your lifetimes. much less. Think. Tara has said many things that I could not articulate myself. Thanks Tara. He may have a lot of qualities and character that I want in my man, but I guess I will be letting him move on. Sad but true.... We are all just gonna get older. Nice man, but he's too old for me. Therefore, not eligible... so sad. All you good folks can breathe easy now. I'm gonna say bye bye to the nice man. Now I'm gonna think of how to put it to him gently that we're not right together. There's just no nice way to say these hard truths, but I cannot lead the man on and waste his time. Thanks for sharing your thoughts LShackers. Really appreciate all your opinions. Muahsss!!!
Pierre Posted May 12, 2012 Posted May 12, 2012 Bit of advice I learnt many years ago, that is basically applicable to anything and everything that crosses your mind, or you have to make a choice/decision about: "If it feels good, do it. If in any doubt - don't." I disagree. The "do it because it feels good" philosophy is often a disaster. Decisions driven by the heart can be erroneous. It is best to use the brain and reason.
eleanorhurting Posted May 12, 2012 Posted May 12, 2012 How are you guys talking about marriage so soon? 1
bac Posted May 12, 2012 Posted May 12, 2012 He's 50 and more than .......and dead serious about wanting a wife. Decent man, wants to settle down, starting to intensify his interest in me. He's the first man ever to hint at allowing me to be a homemaker after marriage. I'm so tempted to take up his offer. What should I do? Nobody knows you and the man. So, nobody knows the answer to your question. 1
TaraMaiden Posted May 12, 2012 Posted May 12, 2012 And yet, here we are... the question has been answered..... 1
TaraMaiden Posted May 12, 2012 Posted May 12, 2012 I disagree. The "do it because it feels good" philosophy is often a disaster. Decisions driven by the heart can be erroneous. It is best to use the brain and reason. you completely misunderstand. 'If it feels good' means that there is nothing whatsoever to advise against it, because the whole thing, is good. 'when in doubt' can still entail something feeling good, but conscience, common sense and some serious logical reasoning will tell you it's actually a no-no. It would appear to be a throwaway statement, but on analysis it's a complete 'deeply considered' one or the other, not an 'off the cuff' impulsive one. toy start off with the statement, then break down the incident into little pieces, and consider each one. but that was a lot to write. 1
Pierre Posted May 12, 2012 Posted May 12, 2012 He's 50 and more than 15 years older than me. Single, never married, and dead serious about wanting a wife. Decent man, wants to settle down, starting to intensify his interest in me. The guy is serious! I dunno how to decide whether to move forward and continue being with him or should I run and never look back. He gives me the impression like he's gonna pounce on me and propose anytime.... hahaha. One thing for sure.... if i do marry this man, we'd most likely have only one or two kids.... i mean come on.... he would be in his 50's by that time. That kinda scares me, and kinda sad.... i secretly want as many kids as possible. Also sad to think he might not be there for me when it's my turn to grow old, since our age difference is a big gap. He's the first man ever to hint at allowing me to be a homemaker after marriage. I'm so tempted to take up his offer. What should I do? Old men can have children as long as there is Viagra around. They can be in their 80s and still father children. At 36 your biological clock is going downhill. If your goal is to have children and he is willing to father them this may work. When you are 55 he will be 70. If he stays in shape it may work. Is he an old 51 or a young 51?
RedRobin Posted May 12, 2012 Posted May 12, 2012 The face of the matter is it's likely going to come down to how much effort he's going to put in and how much of your conscience brain you're actually willing to ignore rather than picture the nice little fantasy of what could be because everything seems so perfect right...Is it just because I'm not a woman that I can't jump on this band wagon of fantasy? Is this how women typically have "fun" playing with their imagination and potential "husbands" that they don't even know but willing to have kids with and get married on a whim? I've witnessed men that age pulling out all the stops for a youngin' for equally retarded reasons. The insanity goes both ways. You know...some of these LS topics I shouldn't even read...why god/creator/magical spirit/universe explosion did you put me here?! why!! ::shakes fist to the sky:: I feel your pain, buddy. to the OP, Look, there is nothing special about a much older man. They are not any more likely to be faithful, caring, stable or anything else compared to a man your own age or even younger. All they have is a track-record... which is really good for you! So... check out that track-record. A few questions to ask: Have you asked him why he is not more focused on women his own age? If he's not an age 'fetishist', he ought to have been serious with age-appropriate women. If he says its because he really wanted to have kids, call BS on him (nicely). Most men who want to have kids get serious about that in their 30's... early 40's the latest. If he hasn't, it is because that is the STORY men his age tell women your age so he can get some young tail while YOU get older. Run don't walk. Ask him how he'd plan for your later years financially. Being a young widow is no fun. I've met a few. Imagine being a single mom on top of that. Ok, there is no guarantee that can't happen to anyone, but you are seriously upping that risk... intentionally. Then there is basic compatibility. If he wasn't holding out this carrot of being SAHM and having kids ASAP, would you still go for it? Raising kids is tough work. Even for people who are really compatible and have great relationship skills. Oh, and to not forget... Emilia's point is dead on. You will likely spend the remainder of your years being a caretaker of one sort of another. Sound romantic now? 2
xxoo Posted May 12, 2012 Posted May 12, 2012 If you feel in love with him, and have compatible goals, I'd say, go for it! But wait at least a year to marry, just to make sure the "in love" feelings are truly love. But I'm not hearing you say that you love him.....so why consider marriage at all? Love is a necessary ingredient. 1
Author callmegee Posted May 12, 2012 Author Posted May 12, 2012 Thanks Bac. How are you guys talking about marriage so soon? Eleanor, I met him online, so the questions flowed freely while we got to know each other better. Old men can have children as long as there is Viagra around. They can be in their 80s and still father children. At 36 your biological clock is going downhill. If your goal is to have children and he is willing to father them this may work. When you are 55 he will be 70. If he stays in shape it may work. Is he an old 51 or a young 51? Pierre, I wouldn't want children for the sake of having children. Would like to raise them together with my man. Due to age gap being more than 15 years, me and him would be in different stages of life I'm gonna drop the whole idea altogether. Let's say we get married in this same year, and have a kid next year. By the time he's 70 this eldest kid of ours would be 20, still in college, so much expenses to bear. Yikes! What about a second kid. Most likely only a teenager while he's 70 y.o. to the OP, Look, there is nothing special about a much older man. They are not any more likely to be faithful, caring, stable or anything else compared to a man your own age or even younger. All they have is a track-record... which is really good for you! So... check out that track-record. A few questions to ask: Have you asked him why he is not more focused on women his own age? If he's not an age 'fetishist', he ought to have been serious with age-appropriate women. If he says its because he really wanted to have kids, call BS on him (nicely). Most men who want to have kids get serious about that in their 30's... early 40's the latest. If he hasn't, it is because that is the STORY men his age tell women your age so he can get some young tail while YOU get older. Run don't walk. Ask him how he'd plan for your later years financially. Being a young widow is no fun. I've met a few. Imagine being a single mom on top of that. Ok, there is no guarantee that can't happen to anyone, but you are seriously upping that risk... intentionally. Then there is basic compatibility. If he wasn't holding out this carrot of being SAHM and having kids ASAP, would you still go for it? Raising kids is tough work. Even for people who are really compatible and have great relationship skills. Oh, and to not forget... Emilia's point is dead on. You will likely spend the remainder of your years being a caretaker of one sort of another. Sound romantic now? Thanks for the wake up call RedRobin. To answer your questions: * He's quite religious so I'll believe the track record of himself that he's presented to me * He's 50 and looking for women between 30-42 >>> child bearing age? Says he wants to start a family and not just have a companion. If he was chatting up college students.... I'd run. But he's not. He's looking for a woman ready to settle. * If he wasn't holding out the SAHM carrot and he were in his 30's, closer to my age I'll definitely want him. He's not even in 40's. * The caretaker part is inevitable for everyone. Everyone will have to face old age. With him, I'll just be facing the caretaking work sooner. Matter is whether that is simultaneous with caring for kids and aging parents all at the same time. * You've got a good point about finances - a man much older should be ready to make plans for his whole family. From the conversations we've had, he's got this thought out. If you feel in love with him, and have compatible goals, I'd say, go for it! But wait at least a year to marry, just to make sure the "in love" feelings are truly love. But I'm not hearing you say that you love him.....so why consider marriage at all? Love is a necessary ingredient. xxoo, I'm scared to fall in love with him. Really holding back and was trying to get to know more about him. Once the romantic goggles are on, it'll be harder to think straight. So I'm thinking real hard now before giving him an answer. We have serious discussions about what we want from life and marriage and we talk about our expectations. He's a gentleman. I can see him as a quality man. He's spent years building his career. We can talk and laugh about a lot of things. My only problem is his age. And that problem will not go away.
Radu Posted May 14, 2012 Posted May 14, 2012 Old men can have children as long as there is Viagra around. They can be in their 80s and still father children. At 36 your biological clock is going downhill. If your goal is to have children and he is willing to father them this may work. When you are 55 he will be 70. If he stays in shape it may work. Is he an old 51 or a young 51? I also noticed that the driving force behind the OP is the want for kids and time running out. I'd do it if i were you. PS: Hypergamy is a myth, right ladies of LS ?
TaraMaiden Posted May 14, 2012 Posted May 14, 2012 Yes. And No. This is the definition of hypergamy. I don't personally see anything wrong with a person wanting to do that. we all try to find a way of living life happily, comfortably and in such a way that will give us some kind of reassurance and security. We seek a mate who is like-minded and who reflects our ideals, desires, dreams goals and objectives. now, if we find someone in our own social status or caste, that's fine, if they're allegedly in a higher one, why should that also not be fine? Notice in the definition that it also stated that, anthropologically, and i quote, 1. (Social Science / Anthropology & Ethnology) Anthropol a custom that forbids a woman to marry a man of lower social status so, in some cases, even if a woman falls in love with someone sho isn't as high on the social ladder as she is - their liaison is forbidden, frowned upon and prevented.... Notice that the term 'hypergamous' doesn't specifically refer to gender. so men are equally hypergamous. And that's ok. what is wrong with trying to make things better? all this "women are hypergamous" crap, as if it's something deceitful, manipulative, gold-digging and selfish, is ignorant, idiotic and typically sexist. it comes from a misogynist who should have been booted ages ago, the times I've reported him....his posts are loaded with vitriol, they're illogical and highly inflammatory. Yes, women can be hypergamous. Men can be hypergamous too. So? 2
Scottdmw Posted May 14, 2012 Posted May 14, 2012 OP, I would just mention a couple of things. It looks like you haven't been on Loveshack long, so I will warn you that I have seen a very strong bias on this site towards encouraging people to NOT date if they are in doubt. No matter what the situation, there will always be a majority of posters who will respond that the person in question should immediately “MOVE ON”. This is the most commonly given advice by far in every situation on this site. Personally I think it's because it's very easy advice to give, there are rarely any recriminations later. Here’s the other thing. When talking about age gap situations, there is always a somewhat fictitious either or choice, either you can date this person with a large age gap, or you can find another person who is similar but doesn't have the age gap. In my mind that is a fallacy. Age is one aspect of a person out of many, including other things like looks, personality, career, hobbies, passion, chemistry, religion, etc. I would suggest you think of it like that. If the whole picture looks good it may be worth pursuing. Specifically with the age gap issue, I have personally seen people reject someone with an age gap, only to spend years being single because they couldn't find anybody that met all their other requirements (which could've been met by the age gap person). They essentially gave up years while they were young of being with the person, out of fear that they would lose years later on when they were old when the person was too old. Some people just tend to be more picky than others, and this tendency can be encouraged too much in our society I think. Again, it's always easy advice to give another person when someone says “you deserve better!” People always like to hear that advice. People don't like to hear that maybe what they see there is the best they will realistically find. So, no one likes to give that advice. I'm not saying that's your situation, I'm just pointing out there is a strong bias toward saying the opposite. I would mention that since you are 35 yet have been interested in marriage for a long time, it is probably you are relatively picky. Best wishes, Scott 1
Author callmegee Posted May 14, 2012 Author Posted May 14, 2012 (edited) Here’s the other thing. When talking about age gap situations, there is always a somewhat fictitious either or choice, either you can date this person with a large age gap, or you can find another person who is similar but doesn't have the age gap. In my mind that is a fallacy. Age is one aspect of a person out of many, including other things like looks, personality, career, hobbies, passion, chemistry, religion, etc. I would suggest you think of it like that. If the whole picture looks good it may be worth pursuing. Specifically with the age gap issue, I have personally seen people reject someone with an age gap, only to spend years being single because they couldn't find anybody that met all their other requirements (which could've been met by the age gap person). They essentially gave up years while they were young of being with the person, out of fear that they would lose years later on when they were old when the person was too old. Some people just tend to be more picky than others, and this tendency can be encouraged too much in our society I think. Again, it's always easy advice to give another person when someone says “you deserve better!” People always like to hear that advice. People don't like to hear that maybe what they see there is the best they will realistically find. So, no one likes to give that advice. I'm not saying that's your situation, I'm just pointing out there is a strong bias toward saying the opposite. I would mention that since you are 35 yet have been interested in marriage for a long time, it is probably you are relatively picky. Best wishes, Scott Yes Scott, very rare to find a man with many of the qualities I want in a husband. This man is not perfect, but he has many character traits and is mature and experienced and he's generally a man I can look up to and count on to do the 3 things: * be my husband * be head of the home * be a respectable father to children I really enjoyed the dates he took me on. Though I'm worried about his age, but from his dating manners which is more skewed towards courtship, he has gained my respects and I'll tell you I could fall hard for the man if I were not holding back deliberately due to my concern over our age gap. It did cross my mind of whether I were letting go of maybe "30 good years with him" in fear of the later years which would be "maybe 10-20 bad years". All relationships have their challenges & we'll all grow old and die someday. Life is short, but I still like to think through before making a big decision like this. Thanks for the advice. Really appreciate a fresh view on the matter. TQ. Edited May 14, 2012 by callmegee
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