bella890 Posted May 11, 2012 Posted May 11, 2012 me and my boyfriend of one year just broke up last week. He turned 20 in september and I'm turning 23 in august so although the age gap is not a huge difference.. the maturity gap is. and yes I think hes just too young. We decided to move in together after being together for 5 months. Its been a rough year mainly for me because I wasn't in school and wasn't really living my life, just being with him 24/7. We've had our arguments just like anyone living together and we always talked them out and came to terms. However last month something happened in which he didnt agree with and broke it off. We went to a club, i took some pills with my friends and apparently I ended up kissing one of my girlfriends (that of which I have no recollection of) He stormed out of the club and left me there when I came back home a couple of hours later he left to his moms house. He said he didn't want to be with a girl that did that kind of stuff - although he said it was fine for me to do it. I do understand where he is coming from because that night for me was an eye-awakening experience and it was then when I realized I didnt want be involved with those kinds of uses because its not worth risking a relationship for. however I didn't agree with how he reacted because as I told him, you were fine with me doing it, you know the consequences with those kinds of things so you shouldn't of reacted that way.. anyways we made up 5 days later, talked it out, i decided to take the sober life, and everything was fine.. a couple of days later, after all of this, after me continiosuly telling him im so happy i stopped using and how I dont want ot be around that kind of stuff he goes and smokes weed with my housemate. (which I usually dont mind, but given the circumstances I was a little hurt that he didnt consider my feelings.. "hm. maybe she doesn't want me to be high around her given everythign that happened.." once again we talked it out and it was fien but then the next day (4/20) it came up again and I made some comment of him smoking weed and he freaked. said I was being this possesive controling girlfriend and he doesnt want to move to california with me because he knows this is how its going to be.. that I'm going to go back to my drugs and frea out everytime he is smoking weed... I'm now in spain and I haven't talked to him in 6 days.. we ended our relationship in good terms, he said that this was for the best because if not its going to get worst (the arguing at least) and says he just needs to be alone and doesnt want a girlfriend right now. We still agreed that we will visit each other in august and go from there... The whole thing hurts me tho because prior to the whole drug incident, our relationship was perfect, yes we had our arguments but we wanted to spend the sumer together and then move to california, we are very much in love and even after him taking the decision of wanting to break up he still said how I'm the girl he wants to settle down with and thinks I'm amazing but just doesnt want to be with me right now. I think its a little unfair as to how he handled the situation, especially if we have been togetehr for a whole year, living together making all these plans for the future together, and all of a sudden something big happens that hurt him (as much as it hurt me, because its not like i did the drugs behind his back) and instead of wanting to work things through his best solution is to break up and see how things go. I know guys need their space when they are hurt or upset but I think he took drastic measures regarding the situation, why not just spend the summer apart instead of breaking up? and coming to conclusions then... So as of now I dont know how to look at it all. I'm so confused and depressed and scared as to what is his real intention behind this break-up. I know he loves me deeply and wants to be with me but he thinks this is the best for us. which I agree. I need to work on myself just as much as he needs to work on him but the thing is I dont think he is looking at it that way.. To me I just think hes over the fact of being in a relationship, and having to deal with all the problems (especially the ones we've been faced with recently )knows he already won me, and therefore wants to enjoy his freedom and when he is ready to be in one then he will be. so where does that make him stand with everything ? Does he just in reality need his space for now to think things through given everything that has happened? AH. I' rambling on in circles. I don't know how to thin about it anymore and as far as the NC - although we said we would keep in touch and have skype dates etc.. I havenn't bothered in initiating any contact just yet thus he hasnt contacted me as well. It sucks but I shouldn't worry about that either. The longer he doesnt hear from me, the more time he will have to think things over ? make him wonder about my whereabouts> :/ Break-ups suck. This is my first one and I hope its my last
TaraMaiden Posted May 11, 2012 Posted May 11, 2012 "Taking pills" is a little different to smoking weed. maturity? It's actually hard to know who is more/less mature here.... I would, in your position, consider this relationship as over, and work on moving on. you're not on a break - you have broken up. "Getting back together later in the year, implies this is a temporary situation - but i don't believe he intends it that way, and may be trying to let you down gently. You really should go No contact, completely and unequivocally. Check my signature, and follow though. Most of your post is straw-clutching, and actually, I think you really need to let go, and move on.
Author bella890 Posted May 11, 2012 Author Posted May 11, 2012 Hey Tara- Thanks for the reply... Yes well maturity wise, the fact I was taking pills doesn't come off as mature at all- I agree with that 100% but its the way he handled the situation overall.. we had discussed the topic and he said he was perfectly fine with me doing it, I even seeked for his approval several times that night before I took anything to make sure it was ok.. And then when I did do it and he realized he wasn't fine with it and saw something he didn't like, instead of reacting to the situation he ran off and criticized me for it. He is not the type of person that deals with confrontation or arguments very well either. At this point, I'm sticking to NC as hard as it may seem. Hopefully that will give him enough time to think things through and get "his space" Although I have accepted we are broken up and are over for now and I'm using this time to reflect and work on myself, a part of me is still seeking for some reassurance from the whole situation. I don't think he was letting me off gently because thats the one thing we talked about, and he made it clear that he just didn't want a girlfriend right now and when he was ready, I would be the girl he would want to settle down with, along with the fact he said this would be the best for us, so we could grow individually and come back to each other at a more mature level. I've gotten to the point were I think that since he knows I will always be there, he knows that if he breaks up with me, he can take me back whenever he feels "ready" The fact that I opened up myself to him completely and saw me at my most vulnerable state I think gave him security over me and knowing I want to be with him. As opposed to before where he felt insecure that I would be the one leaving him... Given that, he probably wanted to do this to see if I'm in fact the girl he wants to be with.. The truth is, I feel completely betrayed in a way, because I didn't see this coming at all... Especially from him, who is the type of guy that was always telling me to promise him that I would never leave him. So once he gets that security he is the one that leaves me ?
TaraMaiden Posted May 11, 2012 Posted May 11, 2012 I would, in your position, consider this relationship as over, and work on moving on. you're not on a break - you have broken up. "Getting back together later in the year, implies this is a temporary situation - but i don't believe he intends it that way, and may be trying to let you down gently. You really should go No contact, completely and unequivocally. Check my signature, and follow though. Most of your post is straw-clutching, and actually, I think you really need to let go, and move on. I'll just repeat this because in spite of reading your latest post, and re-reading the first post - it's still the only way I see it.
Exit Posted May 11, 2012 Posted May 11, 2012 Sorry I'm too tired to read the big wall of text, but the name of your post caught my attention and got a little laugh out of me; breaking up is not how mature people who care for each other strengthen a relationship. That's like saying I'm going to get bigger muscles by cancelling my gym membership. People who want a happy, successful relationship, are willing to work at it. Anyone who tries to disguise it as taking a break or anything along those lines just doesn't have the courage to admit what is really happening. So I have to agree with Tara, start letting this one go. It's good that you haven't been the one to initiate any contact so far, keep on going.
Author bella890 Posted May 11, 2012 Author Posted May 11, 2012 Yep :/ And I wont initiate any contact until he does and until I feel I'm ready. The whole process is just really difficult for me, I was in a one year relationship in which I felt emotionally abused and dependent of the other person.. Everything I did was wrong, but everything he did was fine. I got to the point were he made me feel like I was the one that had to change everything to make our relationship work, and he was "perfectly fine" Everytime I ever tried to bring up something he did wrong or I didn't agree with, he would turn agains me and come up with an excuse. Mainly that of being that he is still really young and wants to go out partying etc or im the one thats ****ed up... And yes thats the way I see it as well, if you want to be with someone, no matter what is going on, you pull through together. Only time will tell what will happen but as of then I need to pull through and get strong Its hard, i'm so shocked with everything, It will be one week tomorrow since I last saw him.. How long does it usually take for the ex to initiate contact? Especially if we ended in good terms and wanting to see each other later on etc..
TaraMaiden Posted May 11, 2012 Posted May 11, 2012 You have to hope he never does.... Go back to my first post, and open up the Caliguy no contact guide, and read it. It's there for a reason. The reason is, it's 100% bang on, and it works. Oh, and jusy FYI.... Caliguy actually worked in the same building as his ex. If he can do it, so can you.
Author bella890 Posted May 11, 2012 Author Posted May 11, 2012 yea, thankfully for me I'm in a different country than him so the NC is working fine, but ofcourse I do get let down when I log into my email and don't see anything from him.. luckily I lost my cell phone so I don't have that mode of communication to worry about..
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