mesmerized Posted May 11, 2012 Posted May 11, 2012 (edited) So I went on a date with a guy a while ago with whom I actually had a lot of fun with. We ended up making out too. But I just didn't think we were compatible and didn't feel high attraction for him even though I really enjoyed his company...I didn't know what to tell him after so I just stopped talking to him. I know not the best way to do it! Now he's found me again and asked me why did I stop talking to him and I'm not sure what to say...I don't want to hurt his ego since he is a great guy. I swear to god I will never learn how to say no to a guy without hurting him. If I tell him we're not compatible, he will ask me why? And I don't have anything to say...I can't tell him the real reason which is lack of physical attraction. Thoughts? Edited May 11, 2012 by mesmerized
matte123 Posted May 11, 2012 Posted May 11, 2012 I don't think there's any way you can not hurt him if you say no unless he wasn't interested in you either. Maybe you can say "You're a great guy but I do not feel that we're compatible together. I did not feel a connection with you." 1
Author mesmerized Posted May 11, 2012 Author Posted May 11, 2012 I don't think there's any way you can not hurt him if you say no unless he wasn't interested in you either. Maybe you can say "You're a great guy but I do not feel that we're compatible together. I did not feel a connection with you." Yeah, but then he'd ask me why I acted like I was having fun...I guess I'm looking for a "it's not you, it's me" line that is not as obvious lol
Titania22 Posted May 11, 2012 Posted May 11, 2012 I don't think there's any way you can not hurt him if you say no unless he wasn't interested in you either. Maybe you can say "You're a great guy but I do not feel that we're compatible together. I did not feel a connection with you." Hey Matte, Is that avatar really you? Because if it is, you are sure awesome hot. 3
dasein Posted May 11, 2012 Posted May 11, 2012 Start with not making out with men on a date until you feel fairly sure you would like another date. When you behave like that it sends mixed signals. Other than that, you don't owe him anything other than a polite decline of his next date invitation and statement of general disinterest in further dates with him. 4
Author mesmerized Posted May 11, 2012 Author Posted May 11, 2012 Start with not making out with men on a date until you feel fairly sure you would like another date. When you behave like that it sends mixed signals. Other than that, you don't owe him anything other than a polite decline of his next date invitation and statement of general disinterest in further dates with him. True. Sometimes in the moment you do things that you shouldn't do. I know I don't owe him anything but since he asked me and since I respect him I feel like I should state a reason.
dasein Posted May 11, 2012 Posted May 11, 2012 I find it best not to state specific reasons, but very general ones, "I'm not interested in continuing," "I'm sorry, but just not feeling it," "No thanks and best wishes in finding what you are looking for." If they persist past these, "Sorry, I have to go now." One important thing is to avoid conditions that give mixed signals or false hope such as "I'm too busy to date right now," "I'm not ready for a relationship right now," etc.
matte123 Posted May 11, 2012 Posted May 11, 2012 Yeah, but then he'd ask me why I acted like I was having fun...I guess I'm looking for a "it's not you, it's me" line that is not as obvious lol Maybe you can say that he was fun person to hang out with? Sorry I couldn't help much. I always take the direct approach when rejecting guys. Hey Matte, Is that avatar really you? Because if it is, you are sure awesome hot. Nope I'm a girl. The hot man in my avatar is Aaron Kwok Haha I have such a celeb crush on him.
Author mesmerized Posted May 11, 2012 Author Posted May 11, 2012 I find it best not to state specific reasons, but very general ones, "I'm not interested in continuing," "I'm sorry, but just not feeling it," "No thanks and best wishes in finding what you are looking for." If they persist past these, "Sorry, I have to go now." One important thing is to avoid conditions that give mixed signals or false hope such as "I'm too busy to date right now," "I'm not ready for a relationship right now," etc. I agree. But at least saying those thing helps their ego...
Author mesmerized Posted May 11, 2012 Author Posted May 11, 2012 Maybe you can say that he was fun person to hang out with? Sorry I couldn't help much. I always take the direct approach when rejecting guys. I'm direct with guys who I don't care about at all or who were not very nice to me. But this guy was very sweet so I have a hard time being direct.
matte123 Posted May 11, 2012 Posted May 11, 2012 I'm direct with guys who I don't care about at all or who were not very nice to me. But this guy was very sweet so I have a hard time being direct. That's understandable. I think it can make a difference on how the rejection was worded to minimize hurting the guy. If you have a hard time with the direct approach for nice guys, I guess use the lines Dasein suggested => "I'm too busy to date right now" and "I'm not ready for a relationship right now". Some of my friends use these line a lot. Those are common "it's me but not you" lines.
somedude81 Posted May 11, 2012 Posted May 11, 2012 Yeah, but then he'd ask me why I acted like I was having fun...I guess I'm looking for a "it's not you, it's me" line that is not as obvious lol So were you having fun? Why don't you want to continue? He's not being enough of a jerk for you?
Author mesmerized Posted May 11, 2012 Author Posted May 11, 2012 So were you having fun? Why don't you want to continue? He's not being enough of a jerk for you? Physical attraction isn't high enough nor are we compatible in some other areas. And I don't really date jerks.
somedude81 Posted May 11, 2012 Posted May 11, 2012 Physical attraction isn't high enough nor are we compatible in some other areas. And I don't really date jerks. Not high, enough? That sounds really odd. Seems pretty shallow to me actually. But you did say that you aren't compatible in other areas. Just tell him that your views differ from his or something.
Author mesmerized Posted May 11, 2012 Author Posted May 11, 2012 Not high, enough? That sounds really odd. Seems pretty shallow to me actually. I am a bit shallow yes. I don't want to enter a relationship where the physical attraction isn't high, it won't work. Maybe one day when I'm desperate for a relationship I do so. But you did say that you aren't compatible in other areas. Just tell him that your views differ from his or something.If I say that he will ask me what exactly we aren't compatible in. Guys love to ask for details for some reason.
Titania22 Posted May 11, 2012 Posted May 11, 2012 If I say that he will ask me what exactly we aren't compatible in. Guys love to ask for details for some reason. I find that so annoying. Especially since most of my reasoning would be incredibly rude and emasculating. Which pretty much puts my in a position of hoping they elude to something they want that is counter to what I want, like they want kids or something, just so I have an easy believable excuse.
Eternal Sunshine Posted May 11, 2012 Posted May 11, 2012 I felt pretty horrible rejecting the last guy I had 1 date with a week ago. He was really sweet and put so much effort into our dinner date. He told me at the very beginning of the date that he is treating me to this night. He also got me flowers. He just came across as so nice and kind of nervous. We had a nice enough conversation but it was very clear that he wasn't that intelligent and that there was a lack of physical spark. I hoped he saw it too, but no. He already wanted to set up the next date and texted me right after. I ended up rejecting him over text and he kept asking me why and what he did wrong I had to tell him that I am just not feeling the spark. He asked me if we can go out as friends and I just told him that I don't feel that's a good idea. He was clearly pretty hurt by it all. It's just hard rejecting really nice people I have much easier time rejecting clear jerks and players.
sid3 Posted May 11, 2012 Posted May 11, 2012 Rejection hurts in any form, just sometimes it hurts a lot more. To make it as easy as possible, just be honest. Then its up to the rejected to accept the truth.
Pierre Posted May 11, 2012 Posted May 11, 2012 So I went on a date with a guy a while ago with whom I actually had a lot of fun with. We ended up making out too. But I just didn't think we were compatible and didn't feel high attraction for him. I swear to god I will never learn how to say no to a guy without hurting him. If I tell him we're not compatible, he will ask me why? And I don't have anything to say...I can't tell him the real reason which is lack of physical attraction. Thoughts? You need to tame your need for external validation a bit more. Secure women don't make out with guys they have no attraction. INSECURE WOMEN MAKE OUT BECAUSE THEY NEED VALIDATION. In addition you probably have a hard time saying no because you want to please others to be accepted. The best way to reject someone is not to give any kind of hope or explanation. Explanations will make it worse for the other side because this will give him hope. So simply say NO and go NC. No more communication or tell him he is in the FZ.
ThaWholigan Posted May 11, 2012 Posted May 11, 2012 Meh. If a girl told me she wasn't physically attracted to me or there was no spark or whatever, I don't think it would be a big deal. I've been told worse over the years . There's no way it won't hurt OP, so it would probably be best to be honest. It will sting at first, but it gets the job done quickly and swiftly. Obviously, there is a way to say these things and word it so that it's not so painful but I suppose you'll be able to figure it out.
Eternal Sunshine Posted May 11, 2012 Posted May 11, 2012 Meh. If a girl told me she wasn't physically attracted to me or there was no spark or whatever, I don't think it would be a big deal. I've been told worse over the years . There's no way it won't hurt OP, so it would probably be best to be honest. It will sting at first, but it gets the job done quickly and swiftly. Obviously, there is a way to say these things and word it so that it's not so painful but I suppose you'll be able to figure it out. Yeah, if a guy told me that he is not physically attracted to me - it wouldn't bother me that much. I would probably prefer the blunt truth - that is if I cared enough to ask.
Author mesmerized Posted May 11, 2012 Author Posted May 11, 2012 You need to tame your need for external validation a bit more. Secure women don't make out with guys they have no attraction. INSECURE WOMEN MAKE OUT BECAUSE THEY NEED VALIDATION. In addition you probably have a hard time saying no because you want to please others to be accepted. The best way to reject someone is not to give any kind of hope or explanation. Explanations will make it worse for the other side because this will give him hope. So simply say NO and go NC. No more communication or tell him he is in the FZ. Oh boy. You don't know me at all. I'm the last girl on earth to make out or have sex for validation. What validation anyway? That in a good kisser? I already know that! We were having fun and I was in the mood and although my attraction to him wasn't as high as I would like I made out with him and I actually enjoyed it too. 1
missyme04 Posted May 11, 2012 Posted May 11, 2012 Nope I'm a girl. The hot man in my avatar is Aaron Kwok Haha I have such a celeb crush on him. FAIL!!! hahahahaha
Pierre Posted May 11, 2012 Posted May 11, 2012 Oh boy. You don't know me at all. I'm the last girl on earth to make out or have sex for validation. What validation anyway? That in a good kisser? I already know that! We were having fun and I was in the mood and although my attraction to him wasn't as high as I would like I made out with him and I actually enjoyed it too. You used him and you hurt his feelings. It also cheapens the act of making out. Many men take that as a positive sign. 2
mtber75 Posted May 11, 2012 Posted May 11, 2012 So I went on a date with a guy a while ago with whom I actually had a lot of fun with. We ended up making out too. But I just didn't think we were compatible and didn't feel high attraction for him even though I really enjoyed his company...I didn't know what to tell him after so I just stopped talking to him. I know not the best way to do it! Now he's found me again and asked me why did I stop talking to him and I'm not sure what to say...I don't want to hurt his ego since he is a great guy. I swear to god I will never learn how to say no to a guy without hurting him. If I tell him we're not compatible, he will ask me why? And I don't have anything to say...I can't tell him the real reason which is lack of physical attraction. Thoughts? This is what I don't get about girls, if she had a great time with a guy and he's not a creep than why not see him again? I had this happen many times where my first dates went awesome on both sides. But after that the girl disappeared? I say to myself was it something that I said or did that drove her away than why did she say and acted like she had such a good time??? My friend told me that he needed that instant physical attraction or chemistry from the get go in order to proceed further? I than told him that often times people don't reveal themselves initially. So you should always pursue deeper. He just don't buy this and continue to date quickies due to his "chemistry" issues. I do agree with the other commenter who said that you don't owe him a explanation. But it would be nice and courteous if you did especially to a nice guy!
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