annie234 Posted May 11, 2012 Posted May 11, 2012 i've been married for almost 4 years. In that time, my husband has been out of work for about half of it. Within 6 months of us getting married, he was laid off from a job he'd been at for over 10 years. He was given severance, but from what I understand can not be hired back. There were huge layoffs going on at the time, but I think he got blamed for something that wasn't his fault. He maintains that it has nothing to do with it, but I know that he may have been put on some type of "program" to get him up to speed, I dont htink it was ever really explained to him. Anyway, all this to say, he took a job at half salary after 10 months of not working. Then he got anohter job 7 months later for a bit more. Then he was laid off there in a last one in, last one out thing. So he's been out of work for over 6 months now and prospects are slim. We want to have children but have gone through our savings. I want to support him anyway I can but I can't help but be angry at him and feel like he's not telling me everything. Added on top of it, he hasn't done anything to help out at home in any major way. He'll tidy up, but never have I come home to dinner cooked. Never have I come home to laundry just done without asking. I haven't had a birthday or Christmas or any gift since we've been married, but he finds ways to go to concerts by other's paying for him or going to free shows. He manages to buy beers for himself or go out for drinks, but we never have money for gifts. Its so frustrating. Everyone is always asking about him and I want to support him and I don't want to ask too much of him when he is feeling so terrible, but I am so darn angry. And sad. And lonely. I can't complain to anyone, but he really is failing me as a husband and I don't know what to do.
SoMovinOn Posted May 11, 2012 Posted May 11, 2012 Well, I don't know him ... you may have just ended up with one of those guys who is perpetually unemployed, or, he might be a great guy and just dealing with the depression of being out of work. How much time does he spend looking for a job? Him not taking over things like having dinner ready, taking care of the house and domestic duties ... that's not cool. That should be automatic. Him finding ways to make sure he has beer and gets to go out ... sounds like he's a bit selfish. Some people in his situation will do *anything* to bring money into the house ... side jobs for cash, take 2 (or 3) lower paying jobs until you find something else, whatever it takes. The answer is the same as for any other problem in a relationship - you two need to talk. You need to find out what's going on in his head, and let him know how you feel and think, then you can know what you want or need to do.
musemaj11 Posted May 11, 2012 Posted May 11, 2012 Men leave a woman when she is old and ugly, women leave a man when he has no money.
musemaj11 Posted May 11, 2012 Posted May 11, 2012 Same old verbal diarrhea with every post. If you'd actually READ and COMPREHENDED the OP's post, you'd see that she has not only been supporting this loser for half their marriage, but doing all the work at home AS WELL. I'd give him exactly two weeks to straighten his worthless ass out and if he didn't start flying right, he'd be kicked to the curb. The guy's a liability and will just continue to drag you down, OP. Meh, those are just additional reasons as she admitted. The main one remains that HE HAS NO JOB!
Author annie234 Posted May 11, 2012 Author Posted May 11, 2012 he does do side jobs. he does do cash jobs. Like I said, before these lay offs, he had the most steady career of anyone I knew. It just seems like he coasted along at the one company and when he had to put thought into his career beyond just at that company, he's totally frozen. im just scared he'll never get back to where he is and will never be introspective enough to figure out why- I think he has undiagnosed OCD. He has a few issues that need addressing such as a constant need to check on something. He spends all day on the internet, "sending out resumes" and emailing friends. You don't get good paying job by sending out resumes, you just don't. He maintains that he's gotten all his interviews that way, but only one panned out to be a job and he was let go from it! the other job he got was through a friend. I want him to meet people at their place of business and hustle that way- If you don't get in front of someone, they aren't going to hire you for t he most part. I'm not going to micromanage him, and I think he needs that 9-5 time carved out to find a job. Its hard to find a job, I know that. But it is just SO disappointing that he hasn't made any effort in any other area. I just would think in these 3 years there would be ONE grand gesture of a totally clean house without asking. He just does the bare minimum and thats it. When I say he doesn't clean, he just says what he does to clean up after me (closing drawers, etc, MINIMAL). There's never any deep cleaning for him. Its like the bathroom just miraculously isn't filled with crud. UGGGGH! We're never going to have kids, we're never going to afford a house, I'm so. sad. I don't talk to anyone about this because I don't want to make him look bad- but noboday cares about how hard this is on me. My life is on hold and whenever I say something to him he blows up. So I stopped bringing it up, which is what he wants, but now time just passes and we rot. ug.
SoMovinOn Posted May 11, 2012 Posted May 11, 2012 he does do side jobs. he does do cash jobs. Like I said, before these lay offs, he had the most steady career of anyone I knew. It just seems like he coasted along at the one company and when he had to put thought into his career beyond just at that company, he's totally frozen. im just scared he'll never get back to where he is and will never be introspective enough to figure out why- I think he has undiagnosed OCD. He has a few issues that need addressing such as a constant need to check on something. He spends all day on the internet, "sending out resumes" and emailing friends. You don't get good paying job by sending out resumes, you just don't. He maintains that he's gotten all his interviews that way, but only one panned out to be a job and he was let go from it! the other job he got was through a friend. I want him to meet people at their place of business and hustle that way- If you don't get in front of someone, they aren't going to hire you for t he most part. I'm not going to micromanage him, and I think he needs that 9-5 time carved out to find a job. Its hard to find a job, I know that. But it is just SO disappointing that he hasn't made any effort in any other area. I just would think in these 3 years there would be ONE grand gesture of a totally clean house without asking. He just does the bare minimum and thats it. When I say he doesn't clean, he just says what he does to clean up after me (closing drawers, etc, MINIMAL). There's never any deep cleaning for him. Its like the bathroom just miraculously isn't filled with crud. UGGGGH! We're never going to have kids, we're never going to afford a house, I'm so. sad. I don't talk to anyone about this because I don't want to make him look bad- but noboday cares about how hard this is on me. My life is on hold and whenever I say something to him he blows up. So I stopped bringing it up, which is what he wants, but now time just passes and we rot. ug. (((((Annie))))) I can imagine this is extremely tough on you. For me, it comes down to love. In my mind, if someone loves you, they don't put you through something like this. Maybe it's hard to find a job, maybe there are things he can't do or change, but, to me, if he loved you, he would do everything he *can* do. At the very least, to make it all less stressful for you. That he can't talk to you about it is not good at all. Communication is a huge factor in any relationship. When it's gone, the relationship is pretty much over. 1
pink_sugar Posted May 11, 2012 Posted May 11, 2012 Annie, you're not alone. My H and I have been living together for 5 years, married 4. He's maybe worked a year and a 1/2 out of that time, 3 different jobs. Two in which he got laid off from. One was his fault, the other was not. The third was mainly a seasonal job that dropped hours after the holiday season. Thankfully, after 6 months, he found a job through a temp agency that provides benefits after the first week, full time and decent pay than he's had before. I just hope the job grows into a permanent one by the company deciding to hire him from the temp agency. It's hard not to let the resentment grow, especially when you see other productive people finding a job with ease and making decent money who are the same age as your husband. I've managed to hold down jobs at least 3 1/2 of the five years and at one point, he couldn't even find a minimum wage job in the meantime and that astonished me. I also had to remind him to do certain chores. I did know for a fact he was applying places all time. I think part of the reason is that he doesn't interview well, but he was trying. It still bothered me to see everyone else around us find jobs quickly and him taking 6months to a few years at a time. Ask yourself this. Is he applying everywhere he can? He needs to step up his game and take some responsibility for the household tasks while he's not working. You need to sit down and talk with him about this. Until he finds a job he will be doing most of the housework until both of you are working and split it 50/50.
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