divorce and the other man

[seashorelovr]

hi ,

ive been married 15 yrs no kids my spouse and i have had struggles for round 7 yrs partly due to his heavy involvement that only grew rather than decreased in sports ,hes an avid sports enthusiast also competitive in many sports and hobbies of which i was interested in our early yrs of marriage but lost interest as yrs went by as sport involvemnt got more heavily part of his life and very costly as well , in the last 7 yrs hes become so focused on his competition in his sports on top of watching them as well and working a long day job that theres never been time for us left even on weekends because their used to travel go to his sport functions etc , as a result we moreless in the last yr have grown apart,

i resorted to chat something i started several years ago myself , because i enjoy discussion/debate and politics in particular something he and i used to enjoy together but no longer do, i did NOT go to chat seeking out someone ,however during this time i did meet someone there unexpected w/much same interest as me , at this time my spouse and i had decided because we had grown apart so much we decicded to pursue legal seperation,our financial situation had gotten severe out of control living beyond our means and high debt ,we are legally seperated but because of finances dont techically live apart, we havent benn able to make that happen , i have had a relationship w/this other person of whom ive fallen in love with, we do see one another obv other than online, were in diff states, but to this point, its been a lott of back and forth ,changing of minds, indecision, im truly torn, i do love my spouse but i love this other person as well of whom our future we want much same things more simplistic lifestyle ,not so much what ive lived which was having all the finer things but at a high cost and major debt, which my spouse seems ok w/continuing, i dont, i want things simplified, he and ive gone over this a million times, ive been as honest w/him as possible, that yes i do love them both but i suppose its in diff ways, ive sat down w/my spouse ,tried to go over what we could do to make it work,changes,etc but it always becomes an argument, and we disagree ultimately on what we want out of life in the future . his hobby is very dangerous always has been the sports hobby,and concerning i thought as he aged itwould slow not increase,instead hes increased, has had multiple injuries and is in much bad shape as a result. but he seems unwilling to alter that at all and im just supposed to keep on bringing in a great paycheck and help fund the hobby meanwhile seeing none of him, the other man , i met , is very diff,lives very simply, is few yrs older than i, but as i said ,shares more w/me in common goals and future goals, ive been torn for months as to whether i stay make my marriage work, or go to the other man, ofwhich i did attempt on two occasions,after major fight w/spouse, and ended up coming home, i cant keep putting myself thru this ,but i cant him nor the other party either involved?

i realize ive done him wrong in many ways and dont want to continue to do so,weve amicably worked together on seperation agreement and divorce agreement but im terrified i suppose of starting over, fear of failure,failure of trying to make marriage work,or fear of failure of the new life i would be leading w/the other man.

this truly was something i never expected in my life to occur, i know i am to blame for the initiation of the other relationship clearly i took those steps only me, no one made me, i guess i felt at that time,my hsuband and me were done , and that i wasnt doing anything wrong, for once in 7 yrs i felt like me again and someone gave a damn about me shared things in common w/me and wanted to spend much of there time and now life w/me. the other man is not married he has asked me to marry him he knows situation im in w/spouse, ive trie to be as honest w/everyone as i can.

but

its not something that can keep going,i cant keep living in same house w/him, wondering if he and i are trying,or am i working at moving on w/the other man,etc etc, its been hell for many months because of this back and forth.

 

i know many of u will be harsh,i can take it, the guilt and blame,downfall i realize much is my fault ,hes taken responsibility also for the growing apart,and knows that played obv a role in my life and his kinda moving forward me getting involved w/another person which i never even thought would happen but has now and i just dont know what to do. i am not working presently and thats of course even strained us moreso financially, so just up leaving isnt as easy as said or being done, the other man does want me to move to him of course,and start life w/him when i am able to do so, he has been there for me thru this all, even knowing obv its diff for me to end a marriage of 15 yrs w/someone ive shared everything with but lost touch with too in many ways as of today. any advice would be appreciated.

 

thanks

[Steen719]

I think you should make your decision about your H first, independently of the other man. If you leave your marriage for this other man, you may be leaving your marriage for the wrong reasons and have regrets later. The OM doesn't even live near you, so you have had an online relationship and I guess some together (?)...I couldn't really tell. Anyway, surely you realize that new relationships, particularly those when people don't see each other much, are exciting and wonderful. He says all the right things and so do you. That is the way new relationships are. So, here you are, considering leaving your marriage and your home to move to another state for someone you don't really even know. I mean, seriously, what would you tell your sister or friend?

 

Make sure your marriage is over without the OM before you pursue any other relationship, especially this one, which is sort of a sketchy deal anyway. So, maybe your marriage has run its course, but I'm not sure you could tell with your involvement with the OM.