NateC Posted May 10, 2012 Posted May 10, 2012 Not exactly sure where something like this goes, but here goes regardless: A few things about the context. I met this girl at college and she seemed to enjoy being around me and hanging out. We're both residents in the same building (on campus) so we see a lot of each other. However, she's a first-year and I'm graduating in a few days (a different bear in itself). She lives about 2 hours away from where I live. I have a hard time picking up signals from girls I like because I know the "hopefulness" can get away of what her actions actually mean. She's not intimate physically, but it's more of a playful type of contact (tickling, etc)...but I can't help feeling that she may be interested but hiding it because she's still getting over a recent relationship. Oh, about her ex. They dated for about a month until he broke it off since he was moving away and couldn't handle a long-distance relationship. She actually told me that had they dated longer she might've ended up marrying him. This made me think a lot...she's still holding onto him and closing off potential relationships, or so it seems. To add to it, I did reveal my feelings for her after I took her to the movies a couple weeks ago. I really felt a connection and went for it...but the feelings weren't mutual. I keep thinking that her still having strong feelings for her ex might be causing a barrier that I can't get through...but I'm not sure. Okay, sure...I'll end up living ~2 hours away, but I'm really determined to make a LDR work if I get the chance to. I went to see her yesterday at her house to fix her laptop (I'm a bit of a techie heh) and hang out...her sister and a friend were there as well and we all got along great (yay mario kart!). She even told me her sister thought I was nice and stuff. I plan to see her again next week once I'm settled from graduation, and she seems to be on bored and wanting the same. I guess the question is: what should I do? Should I continue this kind of friendship until she feels ready to potentially pursue a new relationship? I really do enjoy being with her and I don't feel like everything's one-way...I just think she's put a wall up that I just can't seem to get over...yet. (I realized I cross-posted, but I feel like this thread would get more exposure here)
sid3 Posted May 10, 2012 Posted May 10, 2012 I think she already let you know when you told her how you felt.
Author NateC Posted May 11, 2012 Author Posted May 11, 2012 I think she already let you know when you told her how you felt. Maybe...but I still find her behavior strange...I would've thought she'd be the one to back away and not want to see me as much, but nothing really changed after that. We're still good friends but my feelings haven't exactly faded even with that...
TaraMaiden Posted May 11, 2012 Posted May 11, 2012 She likes the attention. It's flattering, and you feed her ego. but she's keeping you at arm's length. You are, in colloquial terms, her "soft place to fall". You fancy her. She knows you fancy her. But - she's not in to you - but it's nice to have a male friend to make her feel desirable.
joystickd Posted May 11, 2012 Posted May 11, 2012 Dude you are an orbiter now!! It's best to move on and find another women. Honestly do you want to just settle for hanging out and not exchanging orgasms?
Author NateC Posted May 11, 2012 Author Posted May 11, 2012 Dude you are an orbiter now!! It's best to move on and find another women. Honestly do you want to just settle for hanging out and not exchanging orgasms? In reality - sad, but true - it's the most I've had... My moving on point will probably be when I'm settled after graduation and finding someone else. Until then, it's better than nothing really.
TaraMaiden Posted May 11, 2012 Posted May 11, 2012 No - it isn't. It makes you into a 'safe place to fall... doormat.' Really - do you want to be this spineless? Nobody should ever settle for being treated in this way.
joystickd Posted May 11, 2012 Posted May 11, 2012 In reality - sad, but true - it's the most I've had... My moving on point will probably be when I'm settled after graduation and finding someone else. Until then, it's better than nothing really. I would rather have nothing than be an orbiter. Just watch at some point she will think its cool to talk about a guy she is actually into. You might as well be one of those guys in cuckold porn just sitting and watching someone else have sex with someone you are into 1
Author NateC Posted May 11, 2012 Author Posted May 11, 2012 No - it isn't. It makes you into a 'safe place to fall... doormat.' Really - do you want to be this spineless? Nobody should ever settle for being treated in this way. I've already had another friend attempt this and I backed off...and I think she took the hint since she doesn't really talk to me as much now (I was her go-to for her relationship issues with her boyfriend...I stopped asking/caring as much and she backed off). No, I don't believe I'm being a doormat in this way. Is that really how people see women...as either a sex object or someone to be discarded because there's always someone else? Ok, fine...it's not like I've never thought about it - because I have - but it's not a breaker for me.
Author NateC Posted May 11, 2012 Author Posted May 11, 2012 I would rather have nothing than be an orbiter. Just watch at some point she will think its cool to talk about a guy she is actually into. You might as well be one of those guys in cuckold porn just sitting and watching someone else have sex with someone you are into Already happened with someone else, and I got over it...I actually became friends with her boyfriend anyway. Weird how it worked, but it happens. I won't say it didn't hurt though.
TaraMaiden Posted May 11, 2012 Posted May 11, 2012 it's not a question of how women are perceived. It's a question of how she sees you. And she's using you because it suits her to do so.
ThaWholigan Posted May 11, 2012 Posted May 11, 2012 I would rather have nothing than be an orbiter. Just watch at some point she will think its cool to talk about a guy she is actually into. You might as well be one of those guys in cuckold porn just sitting and watching someone else have sex with someone you are into Been there. Talked about exes and all that stuff with the girl I liked. I mean, I look at it now like it's no big deal because it wasn't, I didn't get all bent out of shape about it. However, I'm not really around her anymore, even though we're on good terms. OP, get out of this arrangement right now. If you wanna be her friend, cool. But don't settle for being her pseudo-boyfriend, pursue other girls. Don't spend so much time around her. In fact, she's moving 2 hours away from you. Even better, you have an excuse NOT to be around her. Forget it, trust me.
joystickd Posted May 11, 2012 Posted May 11, 2012 Already happened with someone else, and I got over it...I actually became friends with her boyfriend anyway. Weird how it worked, but it happens. I won't say it didn't hurt though. Why do you prefer to be the sucker? Why you settle for being the "girlfriend"?
TaraMaiden Posted May 11, 2012 Posted May 11, 2012 ... and with all respect, if you're happy with the way things are... why are you posting? Why try to 'figure her out'....? Just go with it, until it's over, whatever 'it' is. You seem to be content to do that....
Author NateC Posted May 11, 2012 Author Posted May 11, 2012 Been there. Talked about exes and all that stuff with the girl I liked. I mean, I look at it now like it's no big deal because it wasn't, I didn't get all bent out of shape about it. However, I'm not really around her anymore, even though we're on good terms. OP, get out of this arrangement right now. If you wanna be her friend, cool. But don't settle for being her pseudo-boyfriend, pursue other girls. Don't spend so much time around her. In fact, she's moving 2 hours away from you. Even better, you have an excuse NOT to be around her. Forget it, trust me. Thank you for actual advice... I've been doing a lot of thinking and that seems to be the best route I can take. I told her I'd visit next week to hang out, but after that it'll just be texting as a contact (lack of internet on her part). I absolutely hate the concept of just dropping all communications (the whole NC idea) when we've been friends for so long, but I do agree that trying to get closer when I know nothing will come of it is a waste of energy now. 1
Author NateC Posted May 11, 2012 Author Posted May 11, 2012 ... and with all respect, if you're happy with the way things are... why are you posting? Why try to 'figure her out'....? Just go with it, until it's over, whatever 'it' is. You seem to be content to do that.... Honestly...I was looking for the push to actually go with it. While I can give advice (which I have here) in practice I'm still very new to this kind of thing. All a learning experience I suppose... Next step: finding someone who may actually share the same feelings I do. When that happens nobody knows...
TaraMaiden Posted May 11, 2012 Posted May 11, 2012 .....but you'll know it when it does.... Take care, good luck and look after yourself. Nobody can like you can. 1
Author NateC Posted May 11, 2012 Author Posted May 11, 2012 .....but you'll know it when it does.... Take care, good luck and look after yourself. Nobody can like you can. Thank you. The way I see it, I don't want to throw away a good friendship just because she's not into me that way. But, advice here does make me check myself on just how much I give...and sometimes it's too much. Live and learn.
tman666 Posted May 11, 2012 Posted May 11, 2012 My advice is to move on, simply based on the fact that you're graduating and she's still in her first year. I think you'll quickly find that once you start working full time and living the non-college life that there will be a huge disconnect between you two with priorities and your general outlook on life. If she only had a year left, it might be worth worrying about, but first year... you'll meet many other girls who are on the same wavelength as you in the time it takes for her to graduate.
Author NateC Posted May 11, 2012 Author Posted May 11, 2012 My advice is to move on, simply based on the fact that you're graduating and she's still in her first year. I think you'll quickly find that once you start working full time and living the non-college life that there will be a huge disconnect between you two with priorities and your general outlook on life. If she only had a year left, it might be worth worrying about, but first year... you'll meet many other girls who are on the same wavelength as you in the time it takes for her to graduate. Yeah, I figured as much. She's still a good friend to have around, but friends is probably for the best at this point. Honestly, I've been holding on because I've never dated (not even senior prom...heh) and didn't want to miss a chance. Well, there's not really a chance to miss as I've realized. Hopefully in a few months I'll actually be financially stable, have my own car, and possibly be on track for my own place...I think that's more important than a relationship now...for me at least.
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