frozensprouts Posted May 14, 2012 Posted May 14, 2012 (edited) Where would that kind of logic stop? Is the AP - and any other potential AP - responsible for patrolling the boundaries of the WS's M? Should that not be the responsibility of the MPs? I feel that unless you have signed up to some agreement with the BS ( through friendship, kinship or whatever) then you owe them nothing beyond the requirements of obeying the law. The one with the obligation is the spouse. this attitude makes me very, very sad. it reminds me of someone walking by someone hurt on the sidewalk and not stopping to help, or even kicking the person..."not me who's hurt, so I have no responsibility to try and help or at least to not add to it" query...this attitude implies that people have no responsibility to others beyond what the law requires...does this go both ways? btw... even though my husband's ex other woman something else, I would still never do something to her like the things she did to me and my children ( this goes way, way beyond having an affair with my husband...that's on him more than on her) because i believe it's wrong to knowingly hurt people like that) Edited May 14, 2012 by frozensprouts 4
DarkPrince Posted May 14, 2012 Posted May 14, 2012 I think if the other person knows about your marriage, and still pursues your spouse, thats good enough reason to be mad at them. Esp if they know the damage it will do but still do it anyway to satisfy their urges. 1
Danie Posted May 15, 2012 Posted May 15, 2012 I just want to formally apologize to anyone who may have been offended by my thoughts. 1
seren Posted May 15, 2012 Posted May 15, 2012 Big word Hate, takes a lot of energy, not any energy I am prepared to spend on someone to whom I feel indifference. I don't hate anyone, I might hate what they did, might hate how things made me feel, but hate? that would disrupt my wellbeing, so I don't do it. Anger is a whole different thing altogether, I was angry at my H for different reasons that I was angry with OW. Colluding with someone who is knowingly hurting another, simply for their own needs is not in my list of admirable things for a person to do to another. The OW pleaded with me not to tell her H, he was a known violent person, she asked that I not tell him as he would physically hurt her. I didn't tell, he found out all by himself and did physically hurt her. So, I weighed up the possible consequences of my actions and decided that by not telling him, she would escape physical harm. Not my responsibility if I had told and she ended up with a broken pelvis and occipital bone, not my problem that he threw her and her children out of the house, after all I didn't promise her any loyalty, trust, had no emotional contract with her. If I had told and this happened should I have shrugged and just said to myself, not my problem? I don't think that way, if I know action A produces result B and that someone else will be affected by my decisions I feel it is wrong to do that action unless they are informed too. I hold H partially responsible as he knew her H was violent, I hold her responsible for my hurt as she knew I would be hurt and didn't give a damn. I own my contribution to my marriage difficulties and am angry with myself for not bringing things to a head. I will never accept that an A is the right thing to do, A's make me angry because they are avoidable and anything that can be avoided that will knowingly hurt another has to be the right thing. I feel saddened that H had an A, I feel indifference to the OW and the A, but that comes with time. I will never understand anyone not owning their actions, enabling an action is nearly as bad as doing it. 1
Rager50 Posted May 21, 2012 Posted May 21, 2012 This question is mostly to satisfy my curiosity. I have been reading about how people cheat on their spouses but one thing that i realize is usually people are just as mad if not angrier towards the person that their spouse cheated with. I don't understand why that is the situation and I would like to ask your opinion. If my wife cheats on me, I believe it is her fault not the guy she is having sex with. If the guy is married it is a promise that he made to his wife not to me. This can go for both the sexes. What are your opinions about this? Granted, I'm 100% new here, but I'll tell you what I think - since that's what you asked for. I think it's a step in the process. It's easier to immediately hate someone you (probably) don't know that well, as opposed to the person you've built a life with, had children with, made important decisions with, etc. I feel like that hate is step 1. For me, that step was over quickly, because I had never met her, still have never met her, and literally have nowhere to direct that anger. Step 2 was hating the hubby. He's the one who made the decision to break our vows, devalue our relationship, etc. Hate that person. I'm still there sometimes. But step 3 is the scary one for me - that's where I doubt myself, because I chose this man, I trusted this man, and if I could build a life with a person capable of all of this, what else is he capable of? And what other terrible choices have I made? Was he fooling me, or was I fooling myself? How could I choose to love someone, trust someone, etc., who had no problem making the choice he made, with no thought of me, our life, our home, our future? That's terrifying and endless for me. Step 4? Divorce or reconciliation, I suppose.
oldshirt Posted May 23, 2012 Posted May 23, 2012 Why should people be angry at the OM/OW? Because the wrong penis doesn't just happen to end up in the wrong vagina. It takes work from both people for that plug-in to take place. In order for an affair or even just a one night hook-up to occur, people must engage the other, must flirt with them, tease them, schmooze them, share secrets with them, make emotional connection with them, spend time with them, form some kind of bond and connection with them and must make the time and effort to get alone and get the deed done. IT TAKES WORK!! Both people had to work at it and both people had to make it happen and both people had to be willing to stick their necks out and place themselves and their families at risk. There is room for plenty of anger to go around. Yes, if your spouse cheats they are at least 50% responsible but the other person had to stick their neck out and put in the effort too. Your spouse is your number one investment in your life and your spouse will either hurt you the most or help you the most in your life and so you have an innate right to protect that investment. If someone is sniffing around and schmoozing and flirting up your spouse you have a basic animal right to kick her or his ass right out of town. Then once you get that person out of your yard, then you need to deal with your partner and your relationship. But to answer the question, be angry at the other person because they are working hard to ruin the biggest investment you will ever make in your life. 4
Got it Posted May 23, 2012 Posted May 23, 2012 That'd be because every escalation was her idea then when she got turned down she would whine and manipulate until she got it. In other words if they'd been 2 adults it wouldn't have been as unequal. Where he was weak and disloyal she actually went out to "win" him with specifically having judged me "I can beat her!". He had an affair. That's bad enough. She actually tried identity theft in the deepest most violating sense. I hold him totally responsible for letting her. But I hold her even more responsible for being so calculating about it. BW - then what will you do when another woman decides that he might be open for a dalliance? Are you going to run your life trying to ward off every possible intruder or are you going to realize your prince in the tower is trying down ropes left and right? He promised your fidelity and trust, no one else. He is to blame for allowing someone else into your lives. It shouldn't matter if women are throwing themselves naked at his feet he should be able to walk over with nary a look. 1
Got it Posted May 23, 2012 Posted May 23, 2012 Why should people be angry at the OM/OW? Because the wrong penis doesn't just happen to end up in the wrong vagina. It takes work from both people for that plug-in to take place. In order for an affair or even just a one night hook-up to occur, people must engage the other, must flirt with them, tease them, schmooze them, share secrets with them, make emotional connection with them, spend time with them, form some kind of bond and connection with them and must make the time and effort to get alone and get the deed done. IT TAKES WORK!! Both people had to work at it and both people had to make it happen and both people had to be willing to stick their necks out and place themselves and their families at risk. There is room for plenty of anger to go around. Yes, if your spouse cheats they are at least 50% responsible but the other person had to stick their neck out and put in the effort too. Your spouse is your number one investment in your life and your spouse will either hurt you the most or help you the most in your life and so you have an innate right to protect that investment. If someone is sniffing around and schmoozing and flirting up your spouse you have a basic animal right to kick her or his ass right out of town. Then once you get that person out of your yard, then you need to deal with your partner and your relationship. But to answer the question, be angry at the other person because they are working hard to ruin the biggest investment you will ever make in your life. Wow, well I never looked at my spouse like a piece of property so never came to this assessment. My spouse, and any relationships in my life, have free will to do what they want. I too have free will and will make decisions for my life based on decisions they have made. I have the right to end the relationship if they are making decisions that run counter to what I feel is best for me. I do not have the right to physically attack any other person and I do believe there are laws against that. I am not aware of cheating from my spouse but I was cheated on by a boyfriend. It did hurt but I never blamed her for it, he was the one in the relationship with me and so he was the one that hurt me. I wasn't a huge fan of hers as she had now taken the role that I was happy in, but that was his choice and his doing and he was the reason I was hurt. She was pretty much a nonentity. Another situation when my ex spouse, then boyfriend, were in a very messy part of our relationship with somewhat of a break up but still together and sleeping together pulls the "we were on a break" with another girl. I was very hurt by him and him choosing another destroyed me. But, in fact, I LIKED her and thought she was a very nice person and could see why he picked her. I never disliked her but I sure as hell was mad at him. She wasn't committed to me, he was, and that is where I focused. 1
Got it Posted May 23, 2012 Posted May 23, 2012 Then that is what you needed to do because your feelings of a committed relationship and responsibility appear to be different than most of the others who have posted here. Not sure if it was "what I needed to do" as it was my feelings and perception and not something I consciously strived to do. Just my viewpoint based on my experience. I just saw focusing on the OP, even when I was a teen, was a way to deflect and minimize what the partner had done. I have had other friends who focused on the other person and that always felt odd to me and seemed to miminize the impact on their partner and a way to excuse or move faster past their betrayal. I personally saw it as jealousy and I have never been a jealous person so the two feelings are just not part of my toolbox. (In a similar vein, never understand the angst of a friend dating a past ex or even my ex husband dating others.) Everyone handles emotions differently and diversity is the spice of life. I am not saying others are wrong because they handle things differently or vice versa, just giving my experience and thought process. 1
Radagast Posted May 23, 2012 Posted May 23, 2012 If my ex-wife had been unfaithful I would have handed the other man / woman a medal!
Jethro Posted May 23, 2012 Posted May 23, 2012 If my ex-wife had been unfaithful I would have handed the other man / woman a medal! Yeah, I hear ya! In the first month of knowing about my wifes affair, I wanted to kill the guy that was involved. He knew she was married. I directed a lot of anger towards him. But as time went on, I realized how stupid that was. And then as time went further on... I felt like I should buy this guy a Rolex for his service!
Benedictatu Posted May 28, 2012 Posted May 28, 2012 She stole my husband and my kids and my house and my life he would not have left me if it was not for her we would still be together and we would still be happy.
SaBela Posted May 29, 2012 Posted May 29, 2012 If my partner cheated on me I get mad at him not the other girl.. well, as I reached the age of 20 I did understand that you should not blame the other girl you were cheated with. Because your partner should have been very sensitive and realized that he was already committed and he should not be flirting and cheating on you. But then if there will be instances that I should get mad at the girl if she does something on purpose to get my partners attention, to ruin my relationship with my partner etc.. This would be my opinion..
MissBee Posted May 29, 2012 Posted May 29, 2012 This question is mostly to satisfy my curiosity. I have been reading about how people cheat on their spouses but one thing that i realize is usually people are just as mad if not angrier towards the person that their spouse cheated with. I don't understand why that is the situation and I would like to ask your opinion. If my wife cheats on me, I believe it is her fault not the guy she is having sex with. If the guy is married it is a promise that he made to his wife not to me. This can go for both the sexes. What are your opinions about this? I think it is normal to have some anger/negative feelings towards this 3rd party. However, for me, I can say that my spouse would receive 100% of my anger and blame. Then this other person would be a side note. I would not be angrier at them or have any more negative feelings towards them than I do him. He is the one who should have protected our marriage and relationship, but didn't. They don't know me from a can of paint and I don't expect them to care about me...but my husband, he should. Unless this person is a friend or relative who knows me...if it were my sister or bestfriend then my anger would be just as much and through the roof, because they have a relationship with me and that relationship has a code of ethics that they completely breached. The other person is still unscrupulous and responsible for their choice to be with a married person...but they are not responsible to me. Just their own conscience, social code, morality etc. 1
PenelopeTheFaithful Posted May 30, 2012 Posted May 30, 2012 I was angry about her stalking and harassment. I was not angry about sex.
goodthingscome Posted July 2, 2012 Posted July 2, 2012 Only the fact that I love him, and he showed true remorse is he still here. I take the blame for my part of the marriage issues, but refuse to take one iota of blame for his choice to cheat. That's something he'll have to live with forever, and I know it's a heavy burden for him to bear. She on the other hand, is scum, total ghetto trash, lied and blackmailed to keep it going. Then kind of person I would never associate with period! He was at an all time low in his life and she truly was the weakest, easiest, and lowest of the herd, that's why he picked her, he found someone who was even lower then himself on the morality scale. I believe in basic integrity and character and try to treat others as I would expect to be treated. That is why I despise the ghetto ho. I would never be some mans side piece, never.
GLDheart Posted July 6, 2012 Posted July 6, 2012 If/When the day comes that I randomly bump into my Ex's affair Partner. I won't initially be mad at him. Right now I mostly feel a dis-approving indifference. However, I WILL be paying close attention to his demeanor. If he DARES look at me with smugness or self satisfaction or anything that resembles that he thinks he is better than me etc... THEN he will get quickly straightened right out. Up until that above described situation comes to pass, the blame is on my ex. As for her partner in crime: I simply loathe him for having a hand in the destruction of my daughter's family.
Tatara Posted July 6, 2012 Posted July 6, 2012 The way I perceive it: The OM/OW threatens the BSs self worth because the WS has favoured the affair instead of the marriage vows. Making the OM/OW perceivabley "worth more" in the eyes of the BS. Unfortunately, while also dealing with betrayl, trying to also deal with a massive hit to self-worth/ego is too painful, thus the anger and blame steps in, in order to save the BS from having to deal with the whole load all at once. Anger is more comfortable then jealousy and self-hate. And as long as the BS can continue to justify their anger towards the OM/OW, they may avoid a lot of ego ravaging pain. So it seems like a coping mechanism to me. May not be on the mark, but even when the OM/OW didn't know about the marriage, there is usually still anger and hate directed towards them.
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