Recurring issue in LTR :(

[Els]

I know a 4+ year R doesn't really qualify in this forum, but it doesn't really seem to fit into the current 'Dating' forum vibe, either. Either way, I suppose the mods will move as they see fit.

 

Some of you may recall that a couple of years ago, the bf and I got into a trough that I thought, for a while, that we would not get out of. The crux of the matter, to me at least, was that he pent up all his small frustrations and issues about us instead of airing them to me. He did what he thought a 'good bf' should do, always giving in, never letting on that anything was the problem... until everything snowballed and it all came out in one huge messy fight, leaving me completely blindsided. I had thought that everything was just peachy.

 

The details of this would take way longer than a post would allow, but the long and short of it is: We decided to hang on and work on it. He promised to tell me, in the future, whenever anything was wrong. Actually, he promised multiple times during that period, because we kept unearthing stuff that he had pent up the entire time. Those were pretty bad times.

 

Fast forward 2+ years, to now. Things have been going smoothly for a while. We'd both been through very long distance, poverty, family issues, illness, the trough I mentioned, and other things together, and seem to have come out of it relatively unscathed. Everyday, I was regaining faith in us, faith that had been lost for a while during the bad times.

 

But AGAIN, today, it happened. An argument, borne out of my frustration at some of the things he'd been doing (or not doing, more aptly) recently, and finally his revelation of the true cause: some issues between us that had made him less than happy over the past few months or so. But when I had asked him nicely about them a few times, he had repeatedly said I was doing nothing wrong, he was just tired, etc.

 

I am, frankly, tired of this. It feels like just yesterday that I had learned to trust that when he says there is nothing wrong, there is genuinely nothing wrong. Now it's back to wondering. Wondering with each bit of distant behaviour, each unexciting weekend, each bad day, whether there's something wrong with us or he's just genuinely having a, well, a bad day. The latter is certainly something that happens in most working adults' lives, but if he won't tell me when it is the former, how can I ever be sure that it IS the latter?

 

I don't really know what to do. He promised me, again, that he WOULD tell me, next time. But eh, as much as he makes good on all his other promises, the realistic side of me realizes that this is something that will be incredibly difficult for him to change, if at all possible. In a way, I understand why. He was raised to 'silent suffering' - any form of 'complaining' was abhorred, viewed as undignified and unmanly. No one in his family or community ever talked about their problems. The problem is that in a relationship, you actually DO need to talk about the problems that you have with it. There is no other way to solve them - they just fester and snowball otherwise.

 

This really isn't something that I want to give up. I recognize how rare it is to find someone that I mesh with so wonderfully - physically, mentally, and emotionally. I recognize how rare it is to find a loving, caring, loyal, un-superficial, intelligent, trustworthy man. And all the other qualities that I don't want to go on about. But how do you work on a relationship with someone whose very nature prevents that?

[jwi71]

I know a 4+ year R doesn't really qualify in this forum, but it doesn't really seem to fit into the current 'Dating' forum vibe, either. Either way, I suppose the mods will move as they see fit.

 

Some of you may recall that a couple of years ago, the bf and I got into a trough that I thought, for a while, that we would not get out of. The crux of the matter, to me at least, was that he pent up all his small frustrations and issues about us instead of airing them to me. He did what he thought a 'good bf' should do, always giving in, never letting on that anything was the problem... until everything snowballed and it all came out in one huge messy fight, leaving me completely blindsided. I had thought that everything was just peachy.

 

The details of this would take way longer than a post would allow, but the long and short of it is: We decided to hang on and work on it. He promised to tell me, in the future, whenever anything was wrong. Actually, he promised multiple times during that period, because we kept unearthing stuff that he had pent up the entire time. Those were pretty bad times.

 

Fast forward 2+ years, to now. Things have been going smoothly for a while. We'd both been through very long distance, poverty, family issues, illness, the trough I mentioned, and other things together, and seem to have come out of it relatively unscathed. Everyday, I was regaining faith in us, faith that had been lost for a while during the bad times.

 

But AGAIN, today, it happened. An argument, borne out of my frustration at some of the things he'd been doing (or not doing, more aptly) recently, and finally his revelation of the true cause: some issues between us that had made him less than happy over the past few months or so. But when I had asked him nicely about them a few times, he had repeatedly said I was doing nothing wrong, he was just tired, etc.

 

I am, frankly, tired of this. It feels like just yesterday that I had learned to trust that when he says there is nothing wrong, there is genuinely nothing wrong. Now it's back to wondering. Wondering with each bit of distant behaviour, each unexciting weekend, each bad day, whether there's something wrong with us or he's just genuinely having a, well, a bad day. The latter is certainly something that happens in most working adults' lives, but if he won't tell me when it is the former, how can I ever be sure that it IS the latter?

 

I don't really know what to do. He promised me, again, that he WOULD tell me, next time. But eh, as much as he makes good on all his other promises, the realistic side of me realizes that this is something that will be incredibly difficult for him to change, if at all possible. In a way, I understand why. He was raised to 'silent suffering' - any form of 'complaining' was abhorred, viewed as undignified and unmanly. No one in his family or community ever talked about their problems. The problem is that in a relationship, you actually DO need to talk about the problems that you have with it. There is no other way to solve them - they just fester and snowball otherwise.

 

This really isn't something that I want to give up. I recognize how rare it is to find someone that I mesh with so wonderfully - physically, mentally, and emotionally. I recognize how rare it is to find a loving, caring, loyal, un-superficial, intelligent, trustworthy man. And all the other qualities that I don't want to go on about. But how do you work on a relationship with someone whose very nature prevents that?

 

The problem is trust as you touched on.

 

You don't trust him to speak freely of his emotions and he doesn't trust you enough to do so. I'm not saying you (or him) is causing this lack of trust - just that its there. It also has a bit of rug-sweeping to it - which is, at its core, a fatalistic approach (I cant solve it so I'll just "Deal with it"). Except he can't - no one can really - at least not for long.

 

And it bubbles up to the surface and the cycle repeats again.

 

You are understandably tired of it.

 

Clearly, accepting the situation is not working for you so we need to create conditions to allow for change. And the only way I can think of to affect positive change is to demonstrate that he is safe to share his emotions and not be closed off to you. And I would do that by...sharing your emotions with him. However, I get the sense you do that already.

 

Another way is to accept his emotions. How do you react when he does show them? Angry? Frustrated? (because he waited 'so long' to show them)? Maybe, instead of that initial reaction, we temper it a bit. We do that by 1) shutting up and 2) actively listening. Take notes if you have to. I do both to this day. Yes, it unnerved my fiance at first until I explained I was taking notes because what she was saying was important to me and it was coming so fast I didn't want to miss or forget anything. I did it because I VALUED her position (even when its wrong )

 

Have you tried that?

 

Failing that...couples counseling. Learn how to communicate effectively, honestly and fairly.

 

Bottom line...you CAN'T change him. You CHANGE YOU...so focus on actions you can do to help him choose to open up.

 

If he doesn't then maybe that's just his nature. You either accept it or, if he won't change, leave the R.

 

HTH

[Els]

Great advice, jwi. I think you're really on to something with the lack of accepting emotions. Yes, I did display frustration. I was really upset that he had been rug-sweeping for the entire few months that I was sitting around trying to figure out wtf was going on and wrapping my head around false beliefs. I did try to explain to him though that I would have been way, way, way, way, way less upset if he had only said something earlier.

 

I should put more effort into just listening too. I think I am improving in that but there is still a ways to go. He did say something to the effect as well: "Today has been one of the few arguments in which you have genuinely understood my point of view". I think, though, that this is partly caused by the rug-sweeping too. Everything just seems to come out during a time of frustration and emotional upheaval, and naturally such is not the best time to listen. But that is the problem: It doesn't come out at any other time.

[zengirl]

A caveat in general: Without knowing what he is upset about (not sure if you know or not), my advice is limited to a degree.

 

The crux of the matter, to me at least, was that he pent up all his small frustrations and issues about us instead of airing them to me. He did what he thought a 'good bf' should do, always giving in, never letting on that anything was the problem... until everything snowballed and it all came out in one huge messy fight, leaving me completely blindsided. I had thought that everything was just peachy.

 

That sounds basically like every man I've ever dated (as an adult, at least). Including Hubby. He absolutely will not tell me when something is wrong and he absolutely will snowball it and make it a big fight. The difference I found, with hubby and why I married him anyway, is he will tell me during and after the fight that it is just a fight, that he loves me anyway, and that it doesn't mean anything about our overall R. So, I can still feel secure, despite the particular communication style.

 

I found my problem with the snowball-style (which in and of itself is not a problem, I found) is that I never trusted or felt secure in that kind of R because, to me, a fight was a real problem with the R. I will not cause a fight or escalate a fight if I am happy in a R (Hubby starts fights sometimes, and I generally attempt to de-escalate; that is our style). To Hubby, that is honestly not what a fight is. To Hubby, a fight is the only way he can express his feelings sometimes.

 

So, I would ask you, what is a fight to your BF? What is a fight to you?

 

But AGAIN, today, it happened. An argument, borne out of my frustration at some of the things he'd been doing (or not doing, more aptly) recently, and finally his revelation of the true cause: some issues between us that had made him less than happy over the past few months or so. But when I had asked him nicely about them a few times, he had repeatedly said I was doing nothing wrong, he was just tired, etc.

 

Are the issues (not the trust/fight/snowball issue, but the ones that are bottled up and the ones you brought up) on either side of small or large consequence? Are there any external circumstances factoring in, like extra cranky-making work stuff, etc?

 

In a way, I understand why. He was raised to 'silent suffering' - any form of 'complaining' was abhorred, viewed as undignified and unmanly. No one in his family or community ever talked about their problems. The problem is that in a relationship, you actually DO need to talk about the problems that you have with it. There is no other way to solve them - they just fester and snowball otherwise.

 

Yes. Well, kind of. As I said, I thought this too before, because such things always led to bitterness, resentment, and toxicity in my Rs. However, with hubby, who does the same thing, it honestly isn't a problem. I suppose it depends, honestly, on how your BF *feels* about these issues. Are they truly festering? Or are they just there, piling? Those are really 2 different things. Is he unhappy with that style of communication, does he feel it hinders the relationship, or is it just the way he communicates? I think people, perhaps women especially, often think that everything must be communicated proactively, but I don't know if it honestly needs to be. It should be communicated BEFORE it causes resentment but understand different people have different resentment thresholds and different ways of communicating or not.

 

This really isn't something that I want to give up. I recognize how rare it is to find someone that I mesh with so wonderfully - physically, mentally, and emotionally. I recognize how rare it is to find a loving, caring, loyal, un-superficial, intelligent, trustworthy man. And all the other qualities that I don't want to go on about. But how do you work on a relationship with someone whose very nature prevents that?

 

Well, you have to accept people as they are. I'm not sure what the other issues are or what needs to be worked on, really. As to the communication, you need to find a way where you both feel secure. In order to know how to get there, it would depend on what 'secure' means to you and knowing if he feels secure or insecure in the R to begin with.

[Kamille]

I'm someone who can "snowball" things. Here's what usually happens... Something my (currently non-existent) partner does will bother me. Instead of expressing it then and there, I'll need time to evaluate:

1. What it is exactly that bothers me and why

 

2. If my annoyance is legitimate. (I was raised to believe most of my anger wasn't legitimate).

 

3. And, consequently, since I will doubt myself, if I can modify my own reaction (or accept whatever bugs me) instead of expressing it.

 

Of course, there's only so much sweeping under the rug that one can do, and I usually end up surprising partners with snowballed issues.

 

 

I don't know if something similar happens for your partner. I thought, however, giving you insight in how I end up snowballing things might help you understand that perhaps he doesn't do it because he doesn't trust you.

[Els]

That sounds basically like every man I've ever dated (as an adult, at least). Including Hubby. He absolutely will not tell me when something is wrong and he absolutely will snowball it and make it a big fight. The difference I found, with hubby and why I married him anyway, is he will tell me during and after the fight that it is just a fight, that he loves me anyway, and that it doesn't mean anything about our overall R. So, I can still feel secure, despite the particular communication style.

 

That's interesting to hear. In our case, though, a fight (or a fight of that magnitude, at least), is genuinely a fight. He usually shows love after it is over, but usually not during it.

 

I found my problem with the snowball-style (which in and of itself is not a problem, I found) is that I never trusted or felt secure in that kind of R because, to me, a fight was a real problem with the R. I will not cause a fight or escalate a fight if I am happy in a R (Hubby starts fights sometimes, and I generally attempt to de-escalate; that is our style). To Hubby, that is honestly not what a fight is. To Hubby, a fight is the only way he can express his feelings sometimes.

 

So, I would ask you, what is a fight to your BF? What is a fight to you?

 

It has been the other way around with us, I think. He has only started maybe 2 significant fights that I remember, in our 4 years together, being a huge proponent of the 'meh this pisses me off but I'll just ignore it for now' style. Fights are usually me finally getting overly frustrated over something that I had attempted to solve without fighting and repeatedly failing. To be fair, this does not happen that often - sometimes we do manage to resolve problems because they are not caused by pent-up issues that he has. When they are, though, short-term resolutions tend to become a band-aid that don't fix the problem until the root is finally uncovered, I find.

 

To him, I think, a fight is 'a really unpleasant conflict that I try to avoid at all costs' . To me, I don't think it signifies a problem with an R per se, but I usually only start one when I am extremely frustrated with problems with the R, so I suppose it does mean that in a roundabout way.

 

Caveat: I'm talking only about large fights here, that aren't common and are generally remembered for a long time. Not the small ones that blow over almost immediately and that we get every month or so. I think we both just accept those as blips on the surface.

 

Are the issues (not the trust/fight/snowball issue, but the ones that are bottled up and the ones you brought up) on either side of small or large consequence? Are there any external circumstances factoring in, like extra cranky-making work stuff, etc?

 

Medium consequence, I think. Perhaps if you would find it helpful in advice-giving, I could detail it here. It's a bit of a long post on its own, though, and I didn't initially post it because I wanted to compartmentalize the issues.

 

External circumstances, he always says that there are. He works 60+ hour weeks and seems genuinely tired a lot of the time. But now, I really don't know when he was really 'tired' or when he was just 'saying' he was tired to avoid talking about the actual problem. :/

 

 

Yes. Well, kind of. As I said, I thought this too before, because such things always led to bitterness, resentment, and toxicity in my Rs. However, with hubby, who does the same thing, it honestly isn't a problem. I suppose it depends, honestly, on how your BF *feels* about these issues. Are they truly festering? Or are they just there, piling? Those are really 2 different things. Is he unhappy with that style of communication, does he feel it hinders the relationship, or is it just the way he communicates? I think people, perhaps women especially, often think that everything must be communicated proactively, but I don't know if it honestly needs to be. It should be communicated BEFORE it causes resentment but understand different people have different resentment thresholds and different ways of communicating or not.

 

I think he does not feel it hinders the R, and it definitely is just the way he communicates. However, I feel it definitely hinders the R, for the reasons I described above, namely that issues don't get resolved until I finally find out what the problem is. If I don't know what I'm doing that irks him, I cannot possibly change.

 

I don't think he was resenting me per se, but the issues did affect our R based on how he reacted to them, and it would have gone on for god knows how long if we hadn't finally had the fight today.

 

Well, you have to accept people as they are. I'm not sure what the other issues are or what needs to be worked on, really. As to the communication, you need to find a way where you both feel secure. In order to know how to get there, it would depend on what 'secure' means to you and knowing if he feels secure or insecure in the R to begin with.

 

I think that's a really tough question. He probably feels secure in some ways, but insecure in others - I think he really does not know how to deal with conflict with women, honestly. Tears and emotionally-charged discussions are painful to him.

[Els]

I'm someone who can "snowball" things. Here's what usually happens... Something my (currently non-existent) partner does will bother me. Instead of expressing it then and there, I'll need time to evaluate:

1. What it is exactly that bothers me and why

 

2. If my annoyance is legitimate. (I was raised to believe most of my anger wasn't legitimate).

 

3. And, consequently, since I will doubt myself, if I can modify my own reaction (or accept whatever bugs me) instead of expressing it.

 

Of course, there's only so much sweeping under the rug that one can do, and I usually end up surprising partners with snowballed issues.

 

 

I don't know if something similar happens for your partner. I thought, however, giving you insight in how I end up snowballing things might help you understand that perhaps he doesn't do it because he doesn't trust you.

 

Thanks, Kam. I don't think he doesn't do it because he doesn't trust me, per se (wow, a lot of negatives there!). I think it's partly his natural habit/personality, and partly he's afraid of causing conflict. But the latter is probably because he's also afraid of my reactions.

 

Your upbringing sounds a lot like the bf's. I think he always thinks that he is 'supposed' to just accept something, so he doesn't express it and tries to do that, but doesn't fully succeed so it affects him more than he expected it to.

[somedude81]

This really isn't something that I want to give up. I recognize how rare it is to find someone that I mesh with so wonderfully - physically, mentally, and emotionally. I recognize how rare it is to find a loving, caring, loyal, un-superficial, intelligent, trustworthy man. And all the other qualities that I don't want to go on about. But how do you work on a relationship with someone whose very nature prevents that?

I don't have any advice to give, but that part stuck out at me.

 

How great can he be if you can't even really communicate with him?

[xxoo]

His tendency to sit on issues for a while before bringing them up might not be a problem, if he could express them appropriately when they finally do come out, and be a good bf in the meantime.

 

How are his "fair fighting" skills? He sees fighting as a big negative thing to be avoided because it is a big negative thing by the time he starts one.

 

How do you respond when you feel blindsided? Does your response amplify the conflict? This could be one of those cases where the first time, you just reacted. The second time, you reacted--but saw a pattern, and can plan for the next time. The next time (and it will happen again), you could change your response to defuse and make the conflict more productive (and less painful for him). Over time, with more positive experiences, he might desensitize to the idea of conflict, and get better at voicing his smaller concerns.

[firemanq]

Face it, most men do not communicate very well, especially with women. We get tongue tied easily. Women however, are always talking to each other. They start practicing communication before they can speak. We joke how the guys will spend all afternoon w/o talking to each other, except when they run out of beer.

 

So when a guy does try to talk to a woman, especially a woman he loves, he may not be very articulate, he may have gaps while he is talking, because he wants to make sure he is expressing himself and his ideas are expressed in a clear manner. Then she gets bored listening, so she interups and tells him what she thinks before his thoughts are fully expressed. She may tell him, "You do not feel that way" and she proceeds to tell him how he feels. Now the woman has told him his thoughts and feelings are unimportant and foolish. After a while, he shuts the f**k up and stops trying to communicate, knowing he is going to get shot down, again. Then he goes to the garage and washes the car or mows the yard, anything to get away from the bitch. She goes to her friends and they complain how their husbands never talk to them. Then someone else steps in listens to her or him, makes no difference if wife or husband.

 

Then we have another unhappy person, possibly two, here on the Love Shack. An endless, depressing cycle.

 

So ladies, sometimes you need to shut the hell up and listen, don't interupt and shut up. When he is done talking, keep quiet a moment or two, then you can speak.

[Els]

His tendency to sit on issues for a while before bringing them up might not be a problem, if he could express them appropriately when they finally do come out, and be a good bf in the meantime.

 

How are his "fair fighting" skills? He sees fighting as a big negative thing to be avoided because it is a big negative thing by the time he starts one.

 

I think it is a big negative thing to him, yes, because he genuinely hates conflict. Me, I feel relieved when I finally get some brutal honesty that explains things that I've been wondering about for the past few months, so even though the fight sucked, I feel much better than I did previously. This is strange, because he has no problems being brutally honest with anything else that doesn't involve things that make him unhappy. For example, I'd better not ask 'does this pair of pants make my butt look big' unless I'm prepared to hear the answer.

 

I think his 'fair fighting' skills are reasonably good, he just hates doing it.

 

How do you respond when you feel blindsided? Does your response amplify the conflict? This could be one of those cases where the first time, you just reacted. The second time, you reacted--but saw a pattern, and can plan for the next time. The next time (and it will happen again), you could change your response to defuse and make the conflict more productive (and less painful for him). Over time, with more positive experiences, he might desensitize to the idea of conflict, and get better at voicing his smaller concerns.

 

I think this is great advice, and something I could definitely work on. I generally tend to wear my emotions on my sleeve with people I feel close with, I think, and he reacts very poorly to seeing me in distress, because it makes him very unhappy to see me unhappy and he doesn't know how to deal with it other than avoiding the conflict altogether.

 

 

Face it, most men do not communicate very well, especially with women. We get tongue tied easily. Women however, are always talking to each other. They start practicing communication before they can speak. We joke how the guys will spend all afternoon w/o talking to each other, except when they run out of beer.

 

So when a guy does try to talk to a woman, especially a woman he loves, he may not be very articulate, he may have gaps while he is talking, because he wants to make sure he is expressing himself and his ideas are expressed in a clear manner. Then she gets bored listening, so she interups and tells him what she thinks before his thoughts are fully expressed. She may tell him, "You do not feel that way" and she proceeds to tell him how he feels. Now the woman has told him his thoughts and feelings are unimportant and foolish. After a while, he shuts the f**k up and stops trying to communicate, knowing he is going to get shot down, again. Then he goes to the garage and washes the car or mows the yard, anything to get away from the bitch. She goes to her friends and they complain how their husbands never talk to them. Then someone else steps in listens to her or him, makes no difference if wife or husband.

 

Then we have another unhappy person, possibly two, here on the Love Shack. An endless, depressing cycle.

 

So ladies, sometimes you need to shut the hell up and listen, don't interupt and shut up. When he is done talking, keep quiet a moment or two, then you can speak.

 

This is fair advice. To my credit, though, I genuinely don't think this is the case with me. I may not always understand what he has to say, but I don't think I've ever interrupted or shot him down while he was talking.

[Els]

Btw, January, why on earth are you 'liking' my post?

[Els]

I don't have any advice to give, but that part stuck out at me.

 

How great can he be if you can't even really communicate with him?

 

Eh, I think that when you finally experience a LTR, you'll understand that 'not being able to communicate' is fairly different from 'having different communication styles when you encounter conflict'. The former is something that is generally almost effortless with like-minded people whom you mesh with. The latter is something that many couples have to work on for a bit despite not having problems with the former, IME.

[zengirl]

Btw, January, why on earth are you 'liking' my post?

 

January typically likes good questions. I remember that coming up when someone said they thought questions got little notice compared to answers.

[jwi71]

You have at least thrice mentioned his being a conflict avoider.

 

Honestly, to me, it's a red flag and it's really not an issue you can work on aside from helping him see conflict is a normal and healthy component of a R. I am always concerned when couples "never" fight as its so exceptional rare to find two people in perfect lockstep on everything.

 

And while I think couples therapy can help it's really an issue that HE needs to work through.

 

What alarms me specifically is the number one trait exhibited by straying partners IS conflict avoidance. They internalize and eventually rationalize bad behavior. If you see this, his blaming you (fighting fair) for his decision to let it build up to a boiling point - take action to stop that unhealthy behavior (couples therapy).

 

Not trying to scare you but I would be remiss if I didn't speak up.

[january2011]

Btw, January, why on earth are you 'liking' my post?

 

I've come across similar issues before and never really managed to deal with it - mostly due to an uncooperative partner. So far, the posts have been brilliant and have shown me angles that I'd never thought about before, so I'm thanking you for starting the thread, even though I know it looks like I 'like' that you have a problem - it's not that at all. I 'like' that you brought it up and it has been helpful to read the posts.

 

January typically likes good questions. I remember that coming up when someone said they thought questions got little notice compared to answers.

 

Spot on, Zengirl

[Els]

You have at least thrice mentioned his being a conflict avoider.

 

Honestly, to me, it's a red flag and it's really not an issue you can work on aside from helping him see conflict is a normal and healthy component of a R. I am always concerned when couples "never" fight as its so exceptional rare to find two people in perfect lockstep on everything.

 

And while I think couples therapy can help it's really an issue that HE needs to work through.

 

What alarms me specifically is the number one trait exhibited by straying partners IS conflict avoidance. They internalize and eventually rationalize bad behavior. If you see this, his blaming you (fighting fair) for his decision to let it build up to a boiling point - take action to stop that unhealthy behavior (couples therapy).

 

Not trying to scare you but I would be remiss if I didn't speak up.

 

Thanks for the input. The bolded is pretty much it, yep. To be fair, he has been improving, though perhaps not as quickly as I'd like.

 

Straying is one of the things that I am genuinely not worried about with this guy. It's difficult to explain, especially since I'm sure everyone says this. Sex without commitment is meaningless to him, and he is not the sort of person who is able to commit to multiple people, or even things, simultaneously.

 

January typically likes good questions. I remember that coming up when someone said they thought questions got little notice compared to answers.

 

I've come across similar issues before and never really managed to deal with it - mostly due to an uncooperative partner. So far, the posts have been brilliant and have shown me angles that I'd never thought about before, so I'm thanking you for starting the thread, even though I know it looks like I 'like' that you have a problem - it's not that at all. I 'like' that you brought it up and it has been helpful to read the posts.

 

Spot on, Zengirl

 

Aww, that definitely makes sense. I've found many of the posts helpful as well.

 

So, I think the key action I should take is learning to temper my reaction to fights and his revelations. But in the meantime, how do I stop doubting whenever he says there's 'nothing wrong'? Asking him obsessively each and every time does not seem a healthy way to approach this, but I feel uncertain otherwise.

[somedude81]

Eh, I think that when you finally experience a LTR, you'll understand that 'not being able to communicate' is fairly different from 'having different communication styles when you encounter conflict'. The former is something that is generally almost effortless with like-minded people whom you mesh with. The latter is something that many couples have to work on for a bit despite not having problems with the former, IME.

Thanks for going into more detail about it.

 

It seems to me that having a communication style that meshes with your partner for conflicts is very important.

[Els]

Thanks for going into more detail about it.

 

It seems to me that having a communication style that meshes with your partner for conflicts is very important.

 

Nod, but how someone handles relationship conflict (as opposed to everyday or workplace conflict) isn't something you generally know about a person until you've spent a lot of time in a R with them. Usually, you only find out after the honeymoon phase (1-2 years), because that is when serious conflict tends to emerge.

 

And that, I think, is the reason many couples find they need to work on it. You can choose other compatible aspects from the outset, like similar intellectual wavelengths, or mindsets, or values in general. But this one isn't something you really know til much later.

[xxoo]

So, I think the key action I should take is learning to temper my reaction to fights and his revelations. But in the meantime, how do I stop doubting whenever he says there's 'nothing wrong'? Asking him obsessively each and every time does not seem a healthy way to approach this, but I feel uncertain otherwise.

 

You could trust that he'll bring it up when it gets to be a big enough issue for him, as he's done in the past. The truth is that there is nothing wrong enough for him to make an issue of it yet. And trust that you'll be able to handle it well when he does.

 

I'd be more worried if he never brought anything up, ever.

[xxoo]

Thanks for going into more detail about it.

 

It seems to me that having a communication style that meshes with your partner for conflicts is very important.

 

Even if you don't, this is something that can improve with mutual effort. We've gotten a lot better over the years

[Els]

You could trust that he'll bring it up when it gets to be a big enough issue for him, as he's done in the past. The truth is that there is nothing wrong enough for him to make an issue of it yet. And trust that you'll be able to handle it well when he does.

 

I'd be more worried if he never brought anything up, ever.

 

Amazing points, xxoo, thanks.

 

Hahah, the 'ever' bit actually happened during the first major fight we had - a whopping 2 years into our relationship. Everything that had been pent up for that time came out then. Given that this one came a lot sooner and in a much less fiery manner, I think we're making progress!

[xxoo]

Els, this is one of the standing "jokes" I have with my laid back H. Other than a few small issues that he will gripe about as needed (parking the car in the wrong spot, or something like that), he has never, ever come to me with a relationship issue I mean--ever. We do argue, but I am always the one to bring up an issue! He will speak his mind when we argue, thank goodness.

 

He's clearly content, and seeks to spend time with me, so I don't really suspect deep resentments....but I do joke that one day I'm going to do something tiny wrong and he's going to throw up his hands saying "That's it! I'm outta here!"

[Els]

Els, this is one of the standing "jokes" I have with my laid back H. Other than a few small issues that he will gripe about as needed (parking the car in the wrong spot, or something like that), he has never, ever come to me with a relationship issue I mean--ever. We do argue, but I am always the one to bring up an issue! He will speak his mind when we argue, thank goodness.

 

He's clearly content, and seeks to spend time with me, so I don't really suspect deep resentments....but I do joke that one day I'm going to do something tiny wrong and he's going to throw up his hands saying "That's it! I'm outta here!"

 

Oh, my.

 

Your H sounds just like my bf, xxoo. Darn stoic silent types.