How do I know if I am co-dependant??

May 10, 2012

What are some of the signs of co-dependancy?

I am scared to be alone, I tend to get caught up in quickly in relationships & become upset when they come crashing down. I tend to project a lot of "fantasy" feelings rather than taking things slow & getting to know a person. I can take a simple text or e-mail exchange & start visions of a future. I really hate that I am like that & need some advice on how to stop thinking that every guy could be "the one"

Mornings are the worst - I wake up in panic attacks & really have to force myself to get out of bed & face the day.

I always read the advice on these boards about self-love & learning to love to be alone. I dont think I have low-self esteem - I feel like I am an attractive woman & I do get a lot of attention when I am out. (Not by dressing provocative either) I am fun & outgoing & the life of the party so to speak. But I feel like its all an act.

I really want to learn to love to be alone & to really truly love myself so I can focus on having a healthy loving relationship with someone someday.

I browse around the web & see all kinds of different wesbits like Rori Raye or other programs. Has anyone benefited from them?

Are there any other books or programs that can help? Any of you guys have any pearls of wisdom? - I really want to change & grow as a person

May 10, 2012

Everything you've described is a co-dependent trait.

You need to learn how to make yourself happy, by yourself. I know because I've been there myself.

It may take a while but you need to challenge all your fears of being alone. You cant be happy with anyone until you are happy alone. And don't let that person become your happiness.

all spoken from experience.

May 10, 2012

yes u sound co dependent. I have been codependent forever. And always drifted from one relationship to the next , trying to find the perfect guy or someone to rescue me. The problem is, eventually ( I am 38 now ) I had to realize that the only person who could rescue me was myself. That the person I truly needed to forgive was myself. That acceptance has changed me and is changing me. Sure it is painful , lonely and scary ... But it is the best feeling and peaceful release to free urself from ur own prison. My journey has just started, so I have a long ways to go. As I was so used to quick fixes, blaming, etc. That those old habbits are easy to fall back to. But its a long self inventory that I believe is the only way to total, self love, forgiveness, acceptance, healing, closure, and most of all peace. Codependents dont feel they deserve love so they give , givee , give to be "good enuf ". Until they are completely exhausted ( me 20 yrs later) and finally have to realize they can only save themselves. I wish u the best with ur hourney towards a healthier self : )

May 10, 2012

What are some of the signs of co-dependancy?

I am scared to be alone, I tend to get caught up in quickly in relationships & become upset when they come crashing down. I tend to project a lot of "fantasy" feelings rather than taking things slow & getting to know a person. I can take a simple text or e-mail exchange & start visions of a future. I really hate that I am like that & need some advice on how to stop thinking that every guy could be "the one"

Mornings are the worst - I wake up in panic attacks & really have to force myself to get out of bed & face the day.

I always read the advice on these boards about self-love & learning to love to be alone. I dont think I have low-self esteem - I feel like I am an attractive woman & I do get a lot of attention when I am out. (Not by dressing provocative either) I am fun & outgoing & the life of the party so to speak. But I feel like its all an act.

I really want to learn to love to be alone & to really truly love myself so I can focus on having a healthy loving relationship with someone someday.

I browse around the web & see all kinds of different wesbits like Rori Raye or other programs. Has anyone benefited from them?

Are there any other books or programs that can help? Any of you guys have any pearls of wisdom? - I really want to change & grow as a person

A few years ago at my first Al-Anon meeting, someone recommended the book Co-Dependent No More by Melody Beattie. Al-Anon meetings were of great help to me in understanding how and why those traits developed -- I was a child of alcoholic parents.

Have you tried seeking a counselor? Get to your local library and see if they have a copy. It was a great help to me. Read up and it may will help you understand your behaviors and why they manifest. Half the battle is finding the root.

May 10, 2012

I am in my mid 30's I realize I have a lot of work to do & I pretty much knew I was co-dependant - but I dont even know where to start? How did you guys start fixing yourselves? Are there workbooks, reading material, what? I really cant afford counseling right now & I am not in a city with a university. But I am at my wits end & really want to love myself again & I want to love to be alone & be a strong independant woman but just dont know where to start or where to find the tools to help

May 10, 2012

Engaging in solitary pursuits, such as reading, writing, painting, going for walks on your own, travel on your own all can really help to overcome your fear of being alone.

It is so "easy" to escape from yourself, especially on the web, or spend time talking to your friends on the phone. As tempting it must be to do these things, they will not really help you.

I don't think there is a blueprint of "what" to do to get more comfortable with yourself. A lot of it will depend on your own interests, likes and dislikes. People are different.

It is good to be solitary, for solitude is difficult; that something is difficult must be a reason the more for us to do it. - Rainer Maria Rilke

May 10, 2012

Well for me it is the solitude as crazy as it sounds. Where I am almost forced to look deep within. And to be able to start answering my own questions. U slowly begin loving urself again, and realizing that it is okay alone. And that u are worth loving and being loved. U do things for urself, you do things that make u feel good. U surround urself with only positive people who support u, not any negative. U do things for urself to remind u how u are worthy. Like get ur hair done, take urself to a special dinner. Go sit in the park and look at all of the beautiful flowers and clouds. Think of what u have to be thankful for and what u love about urself. What u would change and why. But only do this for urself. Codependents have such a hard time doing this. My mama has also been a codependent her entire life, she would give the socks off her feet to a complete stranger during an ice storm. She has a huge heart. But you have to think about ur needs for once. Just make a list of all the things that are so graet about u. And fall in love with urself like u would a person : ) I know that may sound corny , but it works... Life is short, if we cant love ourselves--- how can we expect anyone else to. And we have to most of all realize we are WORTHY of all of this love : )

May 10, 2012

The most important thing to remember is you need to learn to forgive yourself for not being perfect. And stop thinking life can be normal.

Life is chaos and you need to go with the flow of the chaos. There are some awesome things in the world. It's no fun trying to be safe all the time.

Perfection really doesn't exist. You're human. Love yourself. and allow yourself to be weak and hurt and accept that you are. Then make yourself strong.

May 10, 2012

@ Sal11004

Stop being such a (hopeless) romantic, i get like you, pointless

May 10, 2012

If you can't afford counselling, go to the nearest library and start picking up books and understanding what co-dependency is and how it manifests. Co-Dependency is basically a lack of love in oneself. You've lost your sense of self. You've become dependent and an extension of everyone else but yourself. There are books and articles online that base around ways to go about rebuilding one's self-esteem and loving oneself. It's not an easy fix nor does it happen overnight. It has to be a conscious choice to work at breaking from negative patterns and behaviors.

You've lost yourself. Now you have to find YOU, again. Do you have hidden skills or talents? Tap into them and cultivate what's inside you. Personal accomplishments will make you feel good about yourself. It will make you feel special. Get to the gym. When you look great outside, you feel good inside. It also makes for a healthy mind. Get on www.meetup.com and look for group activities that is of interest to you and start surrounding yourself with positive people and activities. If you have time on your hands, pick a cause that your are passionate about and volunteer. It will give you a different perspective on life and you will feel good about who you are and the change you are making in someone else's life.

It's almost as if you are starting and building a relationship with yourself. It's just you. There were moments when it would be a nice Saturday outside, watching couples hold hands taking walks outside and I would be home content with a bowl of ice-cream enjoying my own company. I was comfortable in my own skin and in being alone.

Be conscious about your behaviors. If you are around drama, get out. Set boundaries for yourself. If someone is breaking them and disrespecting them, remove yourself. Learn to say no. If you want to say no but you're afraid, you have to train your mind to start going that route. It's always been going south, now you have to train it to go north. If you feel isolated and lonely, reach out to positive people. If you are spiritual, find it again. If you find yourself attaching to toxic people, consciously make efforts to remove yourself because you understand that you're attaching for negative reasons. You have to establish coping skills when you're in situations that you know are stemming from your issues. You have to be conscious and aware rather than letting your fears and issues blind you into reacting.

You come first. Your priorities are of utmost importance. Your boundaries are not to be broken. Start thinking about what it is you want for yourself and start living by what you perceive as right and healthy for you.

It's a long journey.But you're self-aware and you want change. You're winning half the battle.

Edited May 10, 2012 by geegirl

May 10, 2012

I would actually avoid attempts to consciously associate with positive people. Surrounding yourself with positive people would be a different form of co-dependence.

May 10, 2012

I would actually avoid attempts to consciously associate with positive people. Surrounding yourself with positive people would be a different form of co-dependence.

In what form would that be, aside from establishing a healthy support system, one that even a non co-dependent would find beneficial.

May 10, 2012

Because it is easy to become addicted to the positive effects of the company the others provide, especially for someone who tries to overcome her codependency.

Not saying that OP should lock herself in the basement or not do anything with other people. Far from it. But if it becomes a conscious effort she would not really be spending time on her own. She'd just replace a romantic partner on whom she can depend with multiple other people.

May 10, 2012

Because it is easy to become addicted to the positive effects of the company the others provide, especially for someone who tries to overcome her codependency.

Not saying that OP should lock herself in the basement or not do anything with other people. Far from it. But if it becomes a conscious effort she would not really be spending time on her own. She'd just replace a romantic partner on whom she can depend with multiple other people.

Interesting. I actually found it very beneficial to engage and surround myself in positive environments and people because it began to give me a sense of reality. In essence, negative behaviors, environments and people were all that I knew to be true in my life. In turning that around, I realized how to pick up on what's normal and inspiring by engaging with those that were of healthy mind. An exemplary and positive source of support.

I understand what you're saying. I don't believe that Sal has to consciously be looking for positive people to latch on to in hopes of feeling good about herself but to find herself a healthy balance of finding herself in her own way while establishing support and engaging in those that can have a positive effect in her life.

May 10, 2012

I have a good female friend that kicked her codependency from going to AA meetings. She couldnt afford counseling so she improvised. She replaced alcohol with relationship.

Its worked for her.

May 10, 2012

I have a good female friend that kicked her codependency from going to AA meetings. She couldnt afford counseling so she improvised. She replaced alcohol with relationship.

Its worked for her.

Al-Anon or AA is a good start. I didn't have the money for therapy and found free sessions at Al-Anon.

May 10, 2012

Al-Anon or AA is a good start. I didn't have the money for therapy and found free sessions at Al-Anon.

Thats a great idea! - Thanks for the advice.

Also as far as being with positive people - I am a social person by nature - friendly & outgoing. I enjoy spending time with my friends. I used to think I enjoyed being alone - but lately I have felt on this downward spiral since my last break up a few months ago. I really feel like a drug addict waiting to get me next "fix" from male attention (and please dont read into it that I am sleeping with every guy I meet) I really just enjoy the rush of flirting and being desired. Once that intitial rush wears off - I am left in this funk - until the next one comes along. & then left with an irrational fear of there wont be another one.

I really do (one day) want to be back in a long term commited relationship - I see a lot of my friends have that & I am jealous & envious but I know right now I need to work on me & that is why I am on here for advice & personal growth. I will look into some books on loving yourself & co-dependency & yes maybe look into going to an Al-Anon meeting

May 10, 2012

but lately I have felt on this downward spiral since my last break up a few months ago. I really feel like a drug addict waiting to get me next "fix" from male attention

I believe we all go through that phase of needing to feel desired and loved at some point or another after a break-up. As long as you don't indulge in self-destructive behavior. It shouldn't keep you stagnating and it shouldn't keep you craving for a fix.

You need others (men) to validate your worth and value. Only you have the power to do that. And if you can't see that within yourself, no one will and you will most likely continue to attract those that can smell your neediness and insecurities a mile away. Men and relationships aside for now. Time to start a relationship with yourself.

Edited May 10, 2012 by geegirl

May 10, 2012

I believe we all go through that phase of needing to feel desired and loved at some point or another after a break-up. As long as you don't indulge in self-destructive behavior. It shouldn't keep you stagnating and it shouldn't keep you craving for a fix.

You need others (men) to validate your worth and value. Only you have the power to do that. And if you can't see that within yourself, no one will and you will most likely continue to attract those that can smell your neediness and insecurities a mile away. Men and relationships aside for now. Time to start a relationship with yourself.

You really got this down.

This is completely true.

May 10, 2012

From the sound of some of the posts on here, a lot of people here are probably co-dependent and don't realize it.

May 10, 2012

Lots of great advice here which I fully agree with. Here is a Journal I am currently working on to help with my codependency. I'm not sure how big it's going to get, but I don't want to overwhem myself with too much info, but I am really going to focus on every aspect. I would recommend therapy, however it has to be with a therapist who has suffered from codependency themselves...I apologise for the length of the post. I am going through a similar journey myself and I hope this helps you..

What is codependency? What's the definition?

There are many definitions used to talk about codependency today. The original concept of codependency was developed to acknowledge the responses and behaviors people develop from living with an alcoholic or substance abuser. A number of attributes can be developed as a result of those conditions. However, over the years, codependency has expanded into a definition which describes a dysfunctional pattern of living and problem solving developed during childhood by family rules.

One of many definitions of codependency is: a set of

Maladaptive, Compulsive behaviors learned by family members in order to survive in a family which is experiencing great emotional pain and stress.

Maladaptive - inability for a person to develop behaviors which get needs met.

Complusive - psychological state where a person acts against their own will or conscious desires in which to behave.

Sources of great emotional pain and stress - chemical dependency (alcholol, gambling, drugs, over eating etc); chronic mental illness; chronic physical illness; physical abuse; sexual abuse; emotional abuse; divorce; hypercritical or non-loving environment.

As adults, codependent people have a greater tendency to get involved in "toxic relationships", in other words with people who are perhaps unreliable, emotionally unavailable, or needy. And the codependent person tries to provide and control everything within the relationship without addressing their own needs or desires; setting themselves up for continued unfulfillment.

Even when a codependent person encounters someone with healthy boundaries, the codependent person still operates in their own system; they're not likely to get too involved with people who have healthy boundaries. This of course creates problems that continue to recycle; if codependent people can't get involved with people who have healthy behaviors and coping skills, then the problems continue into each new relationship.

Ok now we know what co-dependency is how can we resolve?

1) Go for help. A reputable therapist or a recovery group is a very important tool here, because others can help you see your own co-dependent behavior and attitudes in ways you may not see yourself. Co-dependents Anonymous (CODA) is a free group which meets in many places around the country. Therapists likewise can help, and are everywhere. Therapy clinics often offer low fee, professional services provided by therapists who are training for advanced certification.

2) Make recovery a first priority. Like all addictions, co-dependency is insidious; you may recognize yourself in the symptoms, but then deny their importance, or deny that they apply to you after all. You make decide to change, and then time after time, find yourself doing the same old things. Making recovery a first priority means outlining your destructive behaviours, finding alternative behaviors, and then implementing them! It means going to meetings, Outline the destructive behaviours in the past ->

For me it was complusivity, reacting without thinking, Obsessing about everything in the relationship, Not being honest enough in relationships, not telling my partner my true wants and needs just accommodating theirs, Telling too many lies to hide my unhappiness and maintain theirs (never works) , Very Poor relationship communication etc etc.

Its about challenging yourself, talking with others about changing, and then changing!

3) Identify with others in your group and begin to know yourself. The more you learn about this disease, the more you will see how it creeps into every aspect of your life, and how destructive it can be. Listening to others, and identifying with them can help you recognize yourself and understand yourself better. These are the first steps toward accepting and loving yourself, and setting higher standards, more appropriate goals.

4) Develop a spiritual side through daily practice (Try to pray once a day). An inner life is important to those recovering from co-dependency, because it will allow you to see that you are loveable, and that your whole world does not have to revolve around the other person. Your practice might be daily meditation, reflecting on nature, watching the sunrise or sunset, playing music and experiencing its effects on your body, praying to a higher power, working in your garden...any activity which is serene and focuses you on a source of nurturance outside of your brain.

5) Stop managing and controlling others. This is a big challenge, but an important one. Here you stop telling the other what to do, how to live, what is wrong - or right! - with him or her. You stop intervening, helping, advising, trying to make things better, trying to fix it, trying to force a solution. You simply stop. You allow this other person to make his or her own decisions, for right or for wrong, you let them live their own life. This includes taking responsibility for their own mistakes, their future, their unhappiness, their issues and their own growth.

6) Courageously face your own problems and shortcomings. Now that you have liberated your energy from the other person's life, you have lots of time and energy to focus on your own life. All the things that occupied you with the other might actually need attention in your OWN life! Often co-dependents in recovery say that they never realized how chaotic their own lives were, or how empty, how lonely, etc. Now is your time to face yourself, instead of dissipating your energy on trying to fix someone else.

7) Cultivate whatever you need to develop as an individual. In facing yourself, you may see that you need to get in touch with your anger, or grieve what you have lost or what you never had, or contact your inner life. You need to sit still with yourself, that is important...WITH YOURSELF...and find out what you need to do, what you need to be, what you need to address to continue with your development.

8) Become "selfish." At this point, you need to practice putting yourself first. Do you know how they tell parents on airplanes to always put on your oxygen mask first before trying to help a child with its mask? The adult has to be able to breathe and to have his or her needs adequately addressed before being able to help anybody. This is true for all aspects of life, not just for oxygen masks! Make sure your basic needs are met before you start giving away your time, energy, money, and other resources. Make sure you get your sleep, your meals, your serenity, and whatever else is important to you. When you are adequately supplied, then and only then will you have "stuff" to give to someone else. When co-dependents tell me that they really don't care what decisions are made, and it's ok for the other person to run the show, I tell them to START CARING...to show up and have an opinion. It is important here to learn how to advocate for yourself.

9) Begin to feel that you are worthy of all life has to offer. This is tricky. Most people, if asked, will say "of course I think I am worthy!" But if you look at their lives, you may see a pattern which belies that belief. They are unhappy in their work, underemployed, bored or otherwise unhappy. Perhaps they don't take care of their bodies, and fail to consult doctors when they need to. Or they overwork, and fail to give themselves enough rest. One woman blew off her doctor's appointment to help her lover with some clerical work; another person needed to be reminded that she was entitled to take her vitamins and be healthy. One way to know the areas in your life in which you have low self-esteem is to look at the places in your life which don't work! What do you tend to complain about? What needs fixing in your life? In your personality? How do these areas reflect low self-esteem?

___________________________________________________________________________________

Recovery from co-dependency is based on increased self-esteem...a self-esteem which can be gained by increased self-knowledge, your strong points and your weak points, and a full acceptance of yourself. There is a basic self-love, which you carefully nurture and expand. You get in touch with your feelings and attitudes about every aspect of your personality, including your sexuality. You begin to not only accept, but to actually cherish every aspect of yourself: your personality, your appearance, your beliefs and values, your body, your interests and accomplishments. You begin to validate yourself, rather than searching for a relationship to give you a sense of self-worth. As you do this, you can enjoy being with others, especially lovers, who are fine just as they are. You will not need to be needed in order to feel worthy.

You also work on accepting others as they are, without trying to change them to meet your needs. You know that you are safe because your standards are higher; you become open and trusting, but only with APPROPRIATE people. You no longer expose yourself to the exploitation of those who are not interested in your well-being. Your higher criteria and standards are reflected in your approach to relationships. Now, instead of hanging on to your relationship for dear life, you ask, "Is this relationship good for me? Does it allow me to grow into all I am capable of being?" When the answer is no, when a relationship is destructive, you are able to let go of it without becoming terrified or unduly depressed. You will find a circle of supportive friends and healthy interests to see you through crises.

Your values change; now, rather than your partner, you value your peace of mind and serenity above all else. You lose interest in the struggles, drama and chaos of the past. You become protective of yourself, your health and your well-being. You come to realize that for a relationship to work, it must be between partners who share similar values, interests, and goals, and who each have the capacity for intimacy.

You come to know that you are worthy of the best that life has to offer, and you know that with help, perhaps, you can find a way to achieve that!

The 16 Steps to recovery (used for codependents, alcholics etc etc)

1. We affirm we have the power to take charge of our lives and stop being dependent on substances or other people for our self-esteem and security.

Alternative: We admit/acknowledge we are out of control with/powerless over _________ yet have the power to take charge of our lives and stop being dependent on substances or other people for our self-esteem and security.

2. We come to believe that God/Goddess/Universe/Great Spirit/Higher Power awakens the healing wisdom within us when we open ourselves to that power.

3. We make a decision to become our authentic selves and trust in the healing power of the truth.

4. We examine our beliefs, addictions, and dependent behavior in the context of living in a hierarchal, patriarchal culture.

5. We share with another human being and the Universe all those things inside of us for which we feel shame and guilt.

6. We affirm and enjoy our intelligence, strengths, and creativity, remembering not to hide those qualities from ourselves or others.

7. We become willing to let go of shame, guilt, and any behavior that keeps us from loving ourselves and others.

8. We make a list of people we have harmed and people who have harmed us, and take steps to clear out negative energy by making amends and sharing our grievances in a respectful way.

9. We express love and gratitude to others, and increasingly appreciate the wonder of life and the blessings we do have.

10. We learn to trust our reality and daily affirm that we see what we see, we know what we know, and we feel what we feel.

11. We promptly admit to mistakes and make amends when appropriate, but we do not say we are sorry for things we have not done and we do not cover-up, analyze, or take responsibility for the shortcomings of others.

12. We seek out situations, jobs, and people that affirm our intelligence, perceptions, and self-worth and avoid situations or people who are hurtful, harmful, or demeaning to us.

13. We take steps to heal our physical bodies, organize our lives, reduce stress, and have fun.

14. We seek to find our inward calling and develop the will and wisdom to follow it.

15. We accept the ups and downs of life as natural events that can be used as lessons for our growth.

16. We grow in awareness that we are sacred beings, interrelated with all living things, and we contribute to restoring peace and balance on the planet.

Edited May 10, 2012 by Mack05

May 10, 2012

I am humbled at all the advice - especially Mack 05

Thank you so much - I will be re-reading that over & over

May 10, 2012

Great post Mack.

Not so great is that you seem to have borrowed all over the web without acknowledging the original author(s). Copyright infringement is NOT cool.

May 11, 2012

Great post Mack.

Not so great is that you seem to have borrowed all over the web without acknowledging the original author(s). Copyright infringement is NOT cool.

D'arthez here are the websites I took most of the info from, which I posted on a different thread earlier. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/322895-harrasment-update-cops-last-night-restraining-order-next-5.html

http://www.allaboutcounseling.com/codependency.htm

http://www.planetpsych.com/zPsycholo...dependency.htm

http://mixedbag.us/16steps.htm

I guess I should have explained more about what I meant by 'my journal'. I write my own personal notes next to the points stated, on where I feel I have made mistakes; need to improve my life etc. I didn't really want to pusblish 'my journal' as its personal to me. I just wanted to give Sal a reference point for starters. Having said that I didn't think people would be so petty and would realise I didn't come up with the 16 steps on my own!

May 11, 2012

It is not a matter of pettiness. To claim work as your own, or imply as much when it is in fact others who have done the work is a form of fraud (and I know how much of a pain in the butt it can be to track down the original source material on the web, or having to mention sources of your material time and again; the joys of doing research).

Depending on your field of employment, such practices can get you into a lot of trouble, which would be a real shame. You seem to be nice enough and willing to help people.

If you had written it either with a mention of the references, or that your journal was what you had found in your web-based research on codependence it would not be (much of) a problem at all.

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