Author imprezasport88 Posted May 10, 2012 Author Posted May 10, 2012 I really love him he's a great person , he doesn't beat me, doesn't abuse.me, nothing like that it just seems like the relationship is growing stale. Being married to me really means that he's in it for the long haul but with all the excuses im not so sure. I think I know him pretty well after four years but what if what he's telling me is lies. I feel like if I leave ill regret it or that if I tell him im leaving it'll push him hut then I think what if he really doesn't want to. I really think he goes along with it to shut me up and pacify me. I want him to just come out and say it.
yongyong Posted May 10, 2012 Posted May 10, 2012 I am leasing this car right now and sales man asked me if I want to just buy it. I think I can find a better car so I told him 'let me think about it' If I end up not finding a better car, I will just keep this one. that's it.
FitChick Posted May 10, 2012 Posted May 10, 2012 He is taking you for granted. I'd start cooling things off and being busy, like another poster said. He needs time to miss you. Can you go on a vacation somewhere by yourself?
Author imprezasport88 Posted May 10, 2012 Author Posted May 10, 2012 Maybe I will go on vacation by myself that sounds like a really good idea. Give him time to miss me and see what happens. Thank you everyone for the.comments its given me a lot to think about.
Eddie Edirol Posted May 10, 2012 Posted May 10, 2012 I really love him he's a great person , he doesn't beat me, doesn't abuse.me, nothing like that it just seems like the relationship is growing stale. Being married to me really means that he's in it for the long haul but with all the excuses im not so sure. I think I know him pretty well after four years but what if what he's telling me is lies. I feel like if I leave ill regret it or that if I tell him im leaving it'll push him hut then I think what if he really doesn't want to. I really think he goes along with it to shut me up and pacify me. I want him to just come out and say it. Hes a great person because he doesnt beat you and abuse you? Thats the first thing you come up with? Being married to you doesnt mean he's in it for the long haul, it just means that (in your case) he gave in to what YOU want. Youre 24, you have plenty of time to find someone else that doesnt beat or abuse you, and that has marriage in mind. Ill say it again, you shouldnt get married anyway, because you dont know him well enough to know if he truly wants to marry you. After 4 years, youre supposed to know your partner inside and out. Also if you cant find a way to un-stale your relationship, you will have a fast annullment.
LittlePrince Posted May 10, 2012 Posted May 10, 2012 My boyfriend and I have been together for four years and are not living together. We have talked about getting married and he tells me that he wants to but for probably one year now when ever I bring it up not only does he get mad but he makes excuses. He says he wants to live together first (I wont because im afraid that he really wont move forward), then that he wants to wait till he's financially stable, then its always because he has no money(he works two jobs). I really don't know what to do about it. I don't know. if I should break up with him or give him an ultimatum. I don't even know how to bring this topic up. All I know is that he loves me and says that he can't live without me. So being married is more important than being with him. Yes, I would say it is time to end it.
Author imprezasport88 Posted May 10, 2012 Author Posted May 10, 2012 Its not that being married is more important than being with him. Im ready to take.our relationship to the next step but apparently he isn't. I don't want to keep feeling like we're stuck in the same place year after year
thatone Posted May 10, 2012 Posted May 10, 2012 but it is. if you're refusing him before the engagement you are saying that the wedding/marriage is more important than he is. there's no way to sugar coat it. you want to be married more than you want this guy. that's not necessarily wrong, if he's not the right guy, but it is what it is.
Eddie Edirol Posted May 11, 2012 Posted May 11, 2012 Its not that being married is more important than being with him. Im ready to take.our relationship to the next step but apparently he isn't. I don't want to keep feeling like we're stuck in the same place year after year Youre going to be stuck in the same place year after year after youre married anyway. So if marriage is the only difference, then the marriage is more important to you than being with him. 1
Pierre Posted May 11, 2012 Posted May 11, 2012 there's no way to sugar coat it. you want to be married more than you want this guy. That is BS. The OP is simply seeking more commitment to raise a family. She is committed and he is not. It is that simple! Do not use pop psych to confuse the issue. 3
shorty7 Posted May 11, 2012 Posted May 11, 2012 Its not that being married is more important than being with him. Im ready to take.our relationship to the next step but apparently he isn't. I don't want to keep feeling like we're stuck in the same place year after year I understand where you're coming from and I know plenty of guys will play the "we're moving in together, what more of a commitment do you want?" when asked if the relationship is moving forward. That's the cop-out they give their girlfriends when they definitely aren't ready for marriage. Somehow they ALWAYS seem to forget that engagement is a process of something like a cool-down period. You agree to a start of a business and sign the contract, and you have until a certain number of days until the start of the business relationship to speak up if it isn't going to work out. I feel this is much better than being lied to and led on for a number of years. I always struggle to understand why guys can't differenciate the "ready to be engaged" part of the relationship to the "ready to be married" part of the relationship. To me, "ready to be married" means you've picked out the new living quarters, the wedding date is set, the place has been picked, you are asking close friends and relatives and family to start help preparing, etc. "Ready to be engaged," is right where I would define someone who's been together for a number of years, they're ready to consider moving their lives closer together as more of a partnership than courting, and the "moving in" part can come between any part of the "ready to be engaged," "engaged," "ready to be married" portion, but just not before. I have a hard time understanding why it's always have to be "we're not ready to be engaged unless we're ready to be married" for guys. At 24 & 27, there's really no rush to get engaged or move-in together if you're not financially stable to do so. I advocate for both parties being able to live on their own before co-habitation. I'm NOT against co-habitation, however, as it has lots of benefits including and definitely not exclusive to shared and reduced expenses / lower cost of living. However, if you want marriage and you feel that 4 years is enough to determine the life-partner expectancy, then I would argue that co-habitation before engagement will slow down the proposal process. For a long-term couple though, it really should be clear whether marriage is something both parties want or not, given that they have committed themselves to be ready for it. (i.e., having a stable income, saving up money, etc.) You've got a little bit of time to enjoy just being a young couple without having to worry about being legally tied to each other, so if you're not financially capable of getting married but if living together would help you to save some expenses for that, I'd give a soft condition that you'd want to know at the end of the first-year lease on your apartment if you want to consider extending the lease. If the lease is extended, you would be expecting engagement. (If you want to speed up that process, look for an apartment that has a 6-month lock down on the lease) This should be discussed before moving in though. A key to a successful long-term relationship comes from honesty, openness, and a little bit of tact. The rest is all practice and patience.
xpaperxcutx Posted May 11, 2012 Posted May 11, 2012 I don't think there is a time limit in regards to when a man should settle down and marry. unfortunately I do find the main issue applies whether said man is actually ready. Notice how some couples get married after a year together, age rarely comes into play. I know many people who got married at the tender age of 20. in the OPs case the OP is ready for marriage and her bf is not. they're just at different stages of fhe relationship.
newmoon Posted May 11, 2012 Posted May 11, 2012 does he really need four years to decide if you're the one for him or not? haven't you been through enough experiences together for him to be sure by now? i agree with your decision to hold off on moving in together; there is no point in that aside from buying him more time to not get married. women who stay with men for years on end and hope for marriage are well... don't do it. don't give him an ultimatum because he'll feel pushed into something - just tell him what you want and see if he can meet those needs. if not, happily move on to someone who can :-)
Eddie Edirol Posted May 11, 2012 Posted May 11, 2012 That is BS. The OP is simply seeking more commitment to raise a family. She is committed and he is not. It is that simple! Do not use pop psych to confuse the issue. She already has the family, but she thinks that getting married will fix the relationship...it wont, it will make it worse. Especially since he doesnt want to get married. 1
Phennyphen Posted May 11, 2012 Posted May 11, 2012 In the words of Greg Brendht "If he doesnt want to marry you, he's just not that into you' Sounds like you're in different places, you deserve someone who is dying to marry you and makes you feel valued not question your worth.
LittlePrince Posted May 15, 2012 Posted May 15, 2012 That is BS. The OP is simply seeking more commitment to raise a family. She is committed and he is not. It is that simple! Do not use pop psych to confuse the issue. You don't need marriage to raise a family and a silly little antiquated ritual has nothing to do with true commitment. Commitment is what you practice day to day. Commitment is not a white dress, a fancy cake, and a gold ring. She wants a wedding just for the status and the title. She needs to admit that to herself. 1
shayla Posted May 15, 2012 Posted May 15, 2012 And so what if she does? So what if she wants a legal commitment? Maybe YOU don't need marriage, but if she does, so what?
LittlePrince Posted May 15, 2012 Posted May 15, 2012 It is a desire but never a need. No one needs a marriage and in the long run it signifies nothing.
RiverRunning Posted May 15, 2012 Posted May 15, 2012 oh ffs I so tire of the "it's just a piece of paper!" camp. To YOU, maybe, but there are multitudes of rights granted the moment that marriage certificate is filed with the county clerk. You can get many of them individually by filling out the proper forms, but that's a crapload of time and legal expense when you could just pay $50 or $100 or however much it is to get a marriage certificate to solidify your rights as spouses. And getting your spouse's benefits, Social Security, etc....you really can't beat that (or, in most states, get that, even if you're in a domestic partnership). There's a whole lot of benefit to being someone's spouse - and an implicit sense of trust that goes along with that. I don't know about anyone else, but I wouldn't marry someone else if I didn't like the idea of them being my next-of-kin, the auto-beneficiary if I croak the next day, you name it. Whether we choose to call marriage 'antiquated' or not, the fact is that it's not the same as just living together. And I think that most folks who want to get married and who willfully leave a relationship if it won't progress to marriage fully understand it's not all about the 'white dress,' the 'big cake,' etc. Frankly, that sort of patronizing discussion in threads like these is downright insulting to the OP and to women everywhere who genuinely just want to be married to their partner. As though by marriage-shaming women enough, we can get them to STFU about their desire to get married. The fact is, this guy is leading OP on. It's been 4 years. He's 'stable enough' to move in together but not get married? I call BS. If you're financially stable enough to live together, you're stable enough to get married. Maybe not to have a big elaborate wedding, but anyone can make a trip to the courthouse for very, very little money. It's a matter of priorities, and I don't think OP's boyfriend is ready to get married. The fact that he shuns the discussion so much is proof of that, but he apparently lacks the balls to tell her upfront. IMO, if you're in your mid to late 20s, 3 years is more than enough time to figure out what you want. By 4 years, I think most folks should know. You will never know your partner 'inside and out' but you should have a pretty darn good idea who you're marrying.
6ft180natl Posted May 17, 2012 Posted May 17, 2012 My boyfriend and I have been together for four years and are not living together. We have talked about getting married and he tells me that he wants to but for probably one year now when ever I bring it up not only does he get mad but he makes excuses. He says he wants to live together first (I wont because im afraid that he really wont move forward), then that he wants to wait till he's financially stable, then its always because he has no money(he works two jobs). I really don't know what to do about it. I don't know. if I should break up with him or give him an ultimatum. I don't even know how to bring this topic up. All I know is that he loves me and says that he can't live without me. If him not marrying you is enough reason for you to end the relationship then you probably should break up with him or he should break up with you. I was in a similar situation before and to me it sends the message that the woman is more in love with the idea of being married than she is with the man. How much could a woman love a man if she would go find someone else because she wants a piece of paper even though the guy treats her well is faithful and loves her?
Woggle Posted May 17, 2012 Posted May 17, 2012 And so what if she does? So what if she wants a legal commitment? Maybe YOU don't need marriage, but if she does, so what? If she wants marriage there is no problem but if she wants a wedding for status and doesn't really love the guy we have a problem. Men are walking into a minefield when they go down that marriage road so we have to be extra careful.
LittlePrince Posted May 17, 2012 Posted May 17, 2012 Marriage and children are a bigger investment for the man than the woman. If all doesn't go well he could find it very difficult getting into another relationship but the woman will have one the next day. Marriage, children, and divorce are financially draining mostly on the man and not the woman.
Oxy Moronovich Posted May 17, 2012 Posted May 17, 2012 I congratulate you for sticking to your position. Marriage is the ultimate commitment. That is BS. The OP is simply seeking more commitment to raise a family. She is committed and he is not. It is that simple! Do not use pop psych to confuse the issue. Still trying to push your pro-European agenda I see. Marriage isn't the ultimate committment. Committment is sticking with a person thick and thin, even if they cheat on you. Since 50% of marriages end in divorce, half of married couples have never done the ultimate committment. The ultimate committment is sticking to your SO whether they cheat on you, refuse sex, become handicapped (physically and/or mentally), become comatose, etc. Few people are willing to commit to that stuff. Committment means you're willing to stick with your SO thick and thin no matter what happens. If you're not willing to do that then you're unwilling to go through the ultimate committment.
Author imprezasport88 Posted May 17, 2012 Author Posted May 17, 2012 What if his commitment issues are with me. Now im not the thinest girl out there but I do work out a lot. I have pcos which makes losing weight harder than normal. I would think that i've been with him long enough but what if he's just keeping me around because its the usual thought that bigger girls are an easy lay. And he's just waiting for someone else to come along that he is more physically attracted to. We used to have sex all the time but over the past year its been once a week..
Author imprezasport88 Posted May 17, 2012 Author Posted May 17, 2012 To me it isn't a piece of paper, its a legal document that says we are binded together. Its jot about the dress, the cake, the ceremony or anything. I was planning on going up yo Maine getting a small ceremony done at the light house and then going home to have a party in the yard with friends and family. The ceremony cost 3,500.00 together we could save that much in a year. I was also going to rent a dress and then just biy a cheap white one for the reception at home. So its really not about all the typical stuff
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