imprezasport88 Posted May 10, 2012 Posted May 10, 2012 My boyfriend and I have been together for four years and are not living together. We have talked about getting married and he tells me that he wants to but for probably one year now when ever I bring it up not only does he get mad but he makes excuses. He says he wants to live together first (I wont because im afraid that he really wont move forward), then that he wants to wait till he's financially stable, then its always because he has no money(he works two jobs). I really don't know what to do about it. I don't know. if I should break up with him or give him an ultimatum. I don't even know how to bring this topic up. All I know is that he loves me and says that he can't live without me.
joystickd Posted May 10, 2012 Posted May 10, 2012 I'm thinking he is finding a way for you to live with him. I will say continue to hold fast to that belief of not living together. Living together comes across as married without actually being married. A man doesn't want to marry you because he has all the benefits of a wife. Hell honestly I would say time to find someone else. Four years is a long time to be with someone and not be married. I think 1-2 years is long enough for a man to know whether he wants to marry you or not.
BrittanyT Posted May 10, 2012 Posted May 10, 2012 I just moved in with my bf, and before I moved in with him I had the "marriage" talk. He was against it when I first met him, then as things went along he changed his mind. I was hesitant on moving in with him for the same reasons you are. But one month after we moved in together he proposed. Maybe me talking about it pressured him, but he is a grown man and made that decision. In your case you have been together a long time. I would give him an ultimatum. That sounds bad, but he is making excuses. The money thing is an excuse, unless you are materialistic and want a huge ring, it shouldnt matter. It sounds like he does not want to get married. He wants to live together to make sure you are truly compatible. Which I can see. But you need to know his intentions. If they are to just play house then screw that.
mickleb Posted May 10, 2012 Posted May 10, 2012 Please don't try to marry him! For whatever reason, he doesn't want to. You don't want to marry someone who is not 100% up for it. I think his reasoning that he wants to live with you first is valid enough. I wouldn't consider marrying someone I hadn't lived with. Having said that, marriage just doesn't sound as important to him as it is to you. Why do you need that commitment from him? Do you want to start planning a family or is it more than that? The more you push this guy, the more he'll resent it. If you can respect that this is how he is, give him the space he desires. Explain what you are looking for in a guy and that you'll be forced to start looking for someone who fits the bill better, if he's not that guy. If he says he can be that guy, give him a deadline to 'prove' it to you, with his behaviour. If you see no effort, move on. You have to be clear what you want, though, and be prepared to go out and find it. If he lets you down, don't give him another chance. But, equally, examine why you want it, and try to figure out what he wants, and why, too. If he won't even be honest with you about this stuff, again, it's time to move on. You might be able to work it out without a marriage certificate but you have to examine what that piece of paper really means to both of you.
jrh1524 Posted May 10, 2012 Posted May 10, 2012 Are his parents divorced? You know what the leading cause of divorce is, right? Marriage... Maybe he wants to make absolutely 100% sure that you're the one before getting married.
Pierre Posted May 10, 2012 Posted May 10, 2012 My boyfriend and I have been together for four years and are not living together. We have talked about getting married and he tells me that he wants to but for probably one year now when ever I bring it up not only does he get mad but he makes excuses. He says he wants to live together first (I wont because im afraid that he really wont move forward), then that he wants to wait till he's financially stable, then its always because he has no money(he works two jobs). I really don't know what to do about it. I don't know. if I should break up with him or give him an ultimatum. I don't even know how to bring this topic up. All I know is that he loves me and says that he can't live without me. Don't move in----it will be much worse and a hit to your self-esteem. Your goal in this relationship was marriage. He has a different goal and sadly he could string you along for years. You need to leave him ASAP. I don't know if you want children, but I have seen women wait for a guy during all their fertile years and then get dumped when the bio clock is running out. If his goal is not marriage then move on. Otherwise, he seems selfish and he will string you along.
samsungxoxo Posted May 10, 2012 Posted May 10, 2012 Good for holding that believe... don't let him have his cake and eat it. If you move in with him, expect to waste another 4 years into it without any proposal. Needless to say I think 4 years is a long time already. I would have broken up a long while because (it would be over by the 2nd year for me). Listen to your gut instinct. If it's telling you that he is unlikely to propose then it's right. Conclusion: he's leading you on, break up.
InJest Posted May 10, 2012 Posted May 10, 2012 Do you really want to have to force someone to marry you? You should demote your relationship to just dating, and tell him that you're going to start looking for someone who is serious about you, while you date him. 1
Caius Ballad Posted May 10, 2012 Posted May 10, 2012 Are his parents divorced? You know what the leading cause of divorce is, right? Marriage... Maybe he wants to make absolutely 100% sure that you're the one before getting married. Sadly, there isn't a such thing as "The One". Men gain nothing from marriage in our world today. You on the other hand a female can divorce him for all he is worth, force him to pay child support even if she's doing fine on her own, false abuse/rape and then their is the natural hypergamous instinct in women that tells them to trade up for a better man if he isn't providing enough. Why put up with that BS? He is smart for not getting married. Marriage is a scam that only benefits women.
Author imprezasport88 Posted May 10, 2012 Author Posted May 10, 2012 Sadly, there isn't a such thing as "The One". Men gain nothing from marriage in our world today. You on the other hand a female can divorce him for all he is worth, force him to pay child support even if she's doing fine on her own, false abuse/rape and then their is the natural hypergamous instinct in women that tells them to trade up for a better man if he isn't providing enough. Why put up with that BS? He is smart for not getting married. Marriage is a scam that only benefits women. I really don't think so I thinkI it can benefit both people in a relationship. I want the commitment that someone is going to be with me until the day I die. I want the commitment that I can raise a family and not be worried that any day this guy is going to walk out of my life. I want to share my life with one person, not rake them for all they ars worth....that yo me is a scam and I don't scam people.
Pierre Posted May 10, 2012 Posted May 10, 2012 I really don't think so I thinkI it can benefit both people in a relationship. I want the commitment that someone is going to be with me until the day I die. I want the commitment that I can raise a family and not be worried that any day this guy is going to walk out of my life. I want to share my life with one person, not rake them for all they ars worth....that yo me is a scam and I don't scam people. It seems your BF lacks commitment and cannot be reliable to be your H. You have normal desires and don't men say otherwise. I say dump him ASAP. Let him see what is like to be without you and he may come back on his knees asking to marry you. If he does not then you know and move on.
Author imprezasport88 Posted May 10, 2012 Author Posted May 10, 2012 Sadly, there isn't a such thing as "The One". Men gain nothing from marriage in our world today. You on the other hand a female can divorce him for all he is worth, force him to pay child support even if she's doing fine on her own, false abuse/rape and then their is the natural hypergamous instinct in women that tells them to trade up for a better man if he isn't providing enough. Why put up with that BS? He is smart for not getting married. Marriage is a scam that only benefits women. how old are you and the bf?[/quote 24 and 27
TaraMaiden Posted May 10, 2012 Posted May 10, 2012 Sadly, there isn't a such thing as "The One". Men gain nothing from marriage in our world today. You on the other hand a female can divorce him for all he is worth, force him to pay child support even if she's doing fine on her own, false abuse/rape and then their is the natural hypergamous instinct in women that tells them to trade up for a better man if he isn't providing enough. Why put up with that BS? He is smart for not getting married. Marriage is a scam that only benefits women. 'Hypergamous' is your favourite word isn't it? 'Mysogynist' is mine.... OP, in my opinion I'd be cautious about taking any counsel from a person whose previous threads spew all things anti-feminine and perpetuate inter-gender hostility... With regard to your question, i would consider any ideas of moving in together very carefully, because it is abundantly clear that women go from 'significant other' to unpaid housekeeper - even when both are holding down full-time jobs. it's a well- and often reported fact. Forty years of feminism Housework is STILL a woman's job as survey revealed just one in 10 men do more | Mail Online Working women 'still do housework' | Mail Online Is It Fair That Women Do More Housework Than Men? - DivineCaroline Eight out of ten married women do more housework than their husbands | Marie Claire News flash: Women do more housework than men And you would move in with all the disadvantages of carrying the major load of the housework, with little or no payoff - other than a vague promise to eventually put your name on a certificate. And check all the article dates - this is nothing new, and is obviously not about to change any time soon.... If there is disquiet now - give it time - it will turn into a major deal-breaker in future.
Pierre Posted May 10, 2012 Posted May 10, 2012 how old are you and the bf?[/quote 24 and 27 Other than not wanting marriage: Do you have any other issues with this guy? BTW, 24 is not bad. Many recommend marriage at age 27-29 and after knowing groom for two years. Don't feel bad for wanting a traditional family.
Author imprezasport88 Posted May 10, 2012 Author Posted May 10, 2012 Other than not wanting marriage: Do you have any other issues with this guy? BTW, 24 is not bad. Many recommend marriage at age 27-29 and after knowing groom for two years. Don't feel bad for wanting a traditional family. It just sometimes seems like our relationship lost its passion and other times things are different. We don't really go anywhere and he's always asking if im leaving him. His parents are divorced so im not sure if that has anything to do with things.
darkmoon Posted May 10, 2012 Posted May 10, 2012 marry = pay for mortgage, pay for children, 24/7/365 a big responsiblity
Pierre Posted May 10, 2012 Posted May 10, 2012 It just sometimes seems like our relationship lost its passion and other times things are different. We don't really go anywhere and he's always asking if im leaving him. His parents are divorced so im not sure if that has anything to do with things. Is he really a keeper? Or You want to marry him because of 4 years of relationship? You are still quite young and he sounds a bit boring. After 2-3 years sex slows down and it takes talent and imagination to keep it interesting. Some folks that stay married for many years know the secret.
Eddie Edirol Posted May 10, 2012 Posted May 10, 2012 I really don't think so I thinkI it can benefit both people in a relationship. I want the commitment that someone is going to be with me until the day I die. I want the commitment that I can raise a family and not be worried that any day this guy is going to walk out of my life. I want to share my life with one person, not rake them for all they ars worth....that yo me is a scam and I don't scam people. Marriage is of no benefit to the guy if the marriage fails. If he decides he isnt attracted to you anymore for whatever reason, you can take him for all he's worth. Offer him a pre-nup. Also, being married isnt a guarantee that someone will stay with you until you die. If you dont maintain your attraction to each other (physically and mentally), you will look elsewhere, just like youre considering doing now. A piece of paper and a ring wont necessarily hold back your emotions, or his. Also, if you dont know the real reason he doesnt want to be harried, then you dont know him well enough. He probably wants to move in together, because wants to make sure youre compatible. He needs to make sure that he can stand you for more than a month at a time. Plus if he has two jobs at 27, you both cant afford it. Unless you wanna get married in a courtroom, a marriage ceremony is expensive as hell, and divorce is expensive also, theres no point in doing it big if you cant afford it. Do you want to get married just because you see your friends doing it? I want the commitment that someone is going to be with me until the day I die. I want the commitment that I can raise a family and not be worried that any day this guy is going to walk out of my life.You mention nothing about how great he is that you want to marry him, like how he is as a person, you just went straight into selfish reasons. So it sounds to me like you want to get married for all the reasons, that have nothing to do with him, which are all the wrong reasons. I honestly think you arent ready to be a wife yet.
TigerCub Posted May 10, 2012 Posted May 10, 2012 It just sometimes seems like our relationship lost its passion and other times things are different. We don't really go anywhere and he's always asking if im leaving him. His parents are divorced so im not sure if that has anything to do with things. Thanks for answering the age question. 24 and 27 isn't too young, but I know of a lot of people that don't feel ready for marriage at that point. But it certainly isn't crazy young - if you had replied with "oh, he's 20", then that would have been different. The statement in bold is what caught my attention. Its normal, I think, for passion to wear off at different times in the relationship. I think passion and really feeling each other has its peaks and it cycles in a relationship - but the fact that he keeps asking if you're leaving him could mean a few things: A. He's not feeling secure in the relationship, or, B. He's trying to push you away and by asking, he's gauging how successful his attempts are. btw - I do commend you for sticking to what you believe in. I'm not saying that moving in with someone is a bad thing - BUT since you feel so strongly and you need NOT to move in with him, it must take a lot for you to stand your ground.
shorty7 Posted May 10, 2012 Posted May 10, 2012 I wouldn't give him an ultimatum. But, I would put a distance to the relationship. Not too concrete like "taking a break" or anything like that, but just focus on yourself for a little while. Pick up a new hobby, start working out more, spend less time with him to read at the library--just do something that you'll get something out of. I've been with my BF for 8.3-ish years. We've never lived together (living with parents while being poor college students for the first 5 years of the relationship really slowed things down). He's finally got his own place to live and been "independent" for about the last 2 years. He's finally gotten to talking about moving in together, and reluctantly talking about marriage. For guys, they always want to test the waters first, so "living together" first before the proposal is the default they run to. For myself personally, I want my relationship to work as a marriage, so I don't want to cheapen my relationship I have with him by just simply being a "live-in girlfriend." And I deserve that amount of respect for what we have together after all these years. I flat out told him this morning that I don't want to move in with him if marriage wasn't in the horizon, and he said that he appreciated my honesty. I've explained to him prior that we can move in together while we are engaged and then call the engagement off if we are that incapable of cohabitation. I see marriage licenses to be equivalent to business partnerships, so in carrying on a similar arrangement in terms of living together, I am more comfortable with the thought that there is insurance embedded in the contract before moving forward with the agreement. 2
Quiet Storm Posted May 10, 2012 Posted May 10, 2012 It just sometimes seems like our relationship lost its passion and other times things are different. We don't really go anywhere and he's always asking if im leaving him. His parents are divorced so im not sure if that has anything to do with things. He's probably always asking if your leaving him because he also feels that the relationship has lost the passion. He knows you want to marry him, but he's not on the same page, so he probably feels like it's just a matter of time before you get tired of waiting and leave. Most men aren't going to come right out and say "I HAVE NO PLANS TO MARRY YOU" because they will feel like an as5hole that wasted four years of your life. He doesn't want to be the bad guy. So he may just keep the status quo and throw you a bone now and then (living together) to keep you with him, without the responsbility & committment of marriage. Why would he want to be with you if he doesn't want to marry you? It could be that he never wants to marry anyone. Or it could be that he doesn't want to marry you and keeps you around for sex and companionship while keeping his eyes open for other options. Whatever the reason, it doesn't really matter, because all you need to know is that he doesn't want to get married. If you want marriage, and he doesn't, then you two are not compatible. This will create a dynamic where he feels pressured to do something he does not want to do, and he will begin to resent that. You will start to think things like "I've been a great GF to him for four years, I've done XXXX for him, etc." You will resent him because you think you deserve marriage. So there is going to be all this resentment brewing, and if he relents and agrees to marry you, he may blame you for all future problems in his life because he felt railroaded into doing something he really didn't want to do. I'ts not a good way to start a marriage. I think most men know within two years if they want to marry you or not. 1
Pierre Posted May 10, 2012 Posted May 10, 2012 I wouldn't give him an ultimatum. But, I would put a distance to the relationship. Not too concrete like "taking a break" or anything like that, but just focus on yourself for a little while. Pick up a new hobby, start working out more, spend less time with him to read at the library--just do something that you'll get something out of. I've been with my BF for 8.3-ish years. We've never lived together (living with parents while being poor college students for the first 5 years of the relationship really slowed things down). He's finally got his own place to live and been "independent" for about the last 2 years. He's finally gotten to talking about moving in together, and reluctantly talking about marriage. For guys, they always want to test the waters first, so "living together" first before the proposal is the default they run to. For myself personally, I want my relationship to work as a marriage, so I don't want to cheapen my relationship I have with him by just simply being a "live-in girlfriend." And I deserve that amount of respect for what we have together after all these years. I flat out told him this morning that I don't want to move in with him if marriage wasn't in the horizon, and he said that he appreciated my honesty. I've explained to him prior that we can move in together while we are engaged and then call the engagement off if we are that incapable of cohabitation. I see marriage licenses to be equivalent to business partnerships, so in carrying on a similar arrangement in terms of living together, I am more comfortable with the thought that there is insurance embedded in the contract before moving forward with the agreement. After an 8 plus year relationship your BF needs to put you on a trial basis to see if you are worthy:mad:. Does that make sense?????????? How disrespectful is that???? I congratulate you for sticking to your position. Marriage is the ultimate commitment. 2
RiverRunning Posted May 10, 2012 Posted May 10, 2012 I don't think that living together first is a bad thing (in fact, new studies illuminate that living together often does not equal 'why buy the cow.' Back in the 80s, maybe. Today? Just a step toward engagement). What's concerning is that he tells you he won't get married until he's financially stable, etc. But the two of you can live together first? I wouldn't even live with someone until at least one person was financially stable. He's right in that if he's not financially stable, he shouldn't marry - but he shouldn't live with someone, either. He probably shouldn't live alone, either. But that's your side of the story. Do you expect a ring (and not just something that's relatively cheap), a big wedding, Honeymoon? If you don't, now is the time to tell him that - would you be happy just going to the courthouse? Some men will feel the pressure to go big regardless of what you say, but now is the time to ask. You're 24. No, you aren't 'old.' But you are getting OLDER. Depending on what you have going on in your life and the number of guys in your social circle, it's not unreasonable that if you left him TODAY, you may be single for a year or two or more before finding a suitable partner. It would be one thing if you were both still young and in college (I've seen women as young as 18, 19, 20 and 21 complaining about how they've been with their boyfriend for 3 years and they want rings). Sure, you can afford to just date for years. But once you hit your mid-20s, in my opinion, you don't have the time to kill another year or two It's been 4 years. At 27, he still seems to be fumbling to get himself together...but more than that he's coming up with some pretty fragile excuses for not being ready to marry you. They don't hold water, OP. I moved in with my boyfriend on the condition that we would do so for about a year, then get engaged. That didn't happen. I moved on with my life. Heard recently he had bought the engagement ring a few days before I left. Part of me now regrets my decision, but part of me doesn't. Fact is, I didn't have and didn't want to give him another 6 months, another year, another 3 years to get engaged. I didn't have the time to expend on a MAYBE. For what it's worth, though, a marriage doesn't guarantee he will be with you forever. Depending on the people in the couple, it may mean he's serious enough to take the risk on you. But I don't blame you for wanting to bring a child into a relationship without a marriage. USUALLY, getting married implies commitment and seriousness toward building a stable home for a child. But, I'd say an engagement and eventual marriage makes it far more likely you will be together longer-term than simply being boyfriend and girlfriend for years on end. Yes, I also know couples who have been together 10+ or 20+ years, but they are the EXCEPTION, not the rule, when they get married. The fact is, after about 6 or 7 years, most of those couples will never marry, let alone stay together. OP, I wouldn't issue an ultimatum (because then you will always wonder if it was genuine, or worse yet, have him throw that in your face 5 years down the road when he finally gets the balls to admit he wasn't ready for marriage). I WOULD, in my head, pick a date sometime in the future. It could be 3 months, 6 months, whatever you want. However much longer you think you have it in you to deal with this. Don't tell him about it or anyone else. When that day comes, you pack up your things and you move out. You explain to him that you feel the relationship isn't going anywhere. Alternatively, you could just make statements like, "I would really like to be engaged by Thanksgiving." No threat attached - you are just stating your desires. But given how cold he's been to marriage talk, I don't see this ending well.
samsungxoxo Posted May 10, 2012 Posted May 10, 2012 After an 8 plus year relationship your BF needs to put you on a trial basis to see if you are worthy:mad:. Does that make sense?????????? How disrespectful is that???? I congratulate you for sticking to your position. Marriage is the ultimate commitment.Yeah it surprises me how many women are too patient. I would have left if a man told me that....wouldn't even last by the 3rd year.
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