phelankell Posted May 10, 2012 Posted May 10, 2012 I am 33 and married. My wife and I have been married for a little over 2 years. We have 2 children, one of which is ours together and the other is from a previous relationship. My wife recently informed me that she has had an affair with the biological father of the other child. I am completely devastated. She was recently gone on a business trip, and had went over to talk to him about some stuff apparently and then slept with him that day multiple times. She came hope that next day and immediately told me (i assume cause she felt guilty). I am so hurt right now I don't know what to do. I just had to get this off my chest, its eating me alive. I feel like it is partially my fault and I didn't do anything wrong. She tried to tell me that she loves both of us....how am i supposed to respond to that. She seems so skizo on all of this one minute she tells me she loves me another she says she has always felt that her ex is her soul-mate. Which right now he has not reciprocated those feelings. I guess another thing that is bothering me is how this is going to affect our children especially our child together. I don't want to lose him.
PegNosePete Posted May 10, 2012 Posted May 10, 2012 Sorry for your situation dude. What a terrible thing for her to do to you. Damn right it is NOT your fault at all. She made the choice to do this all on her own, and she needs to take responsibility for her actions. Do not let her put it onto you in the slightest. She might say you drove her to it, blah blah, it's all just rubbish. SHE chose to do it. If there was a problem in the marriage then she should have TALKED to you about it, not jumped into the arms of another. The problems in the marriage, are 50% each. The blame for the affair, is 100% HERS. She tried to tell me that she loves both of us....how am i supposed to respond to that. You tell her this: "I am not prepared to accept that situation. You are my wife. I will not share you with another man. If you want to reconcile our marriage then you need to stick to some ground rules. If you do not agree to these rules or if you break any one of them, then it is over. Do I make myself 100% clear? After what you have done, this is your second chance. There is no 3rd chance." Here are the rules: 1. She will answer any question you have honestly and without delay, without withholding any information. 2. She will never again talk to her ex unless it is directly related to the child. She will never ever go into his house, or him into hers, and they will never ever be alone together. She will never ever talk socially to him or meet him, except to hand over the child for contact. 3. You will go to marriage councilling ASAP to fix the problems with your marriage that let to her cheating. 4. You will have 100% transparency and access to all of her communications. Phone, text, email, facebook, EVERYTHING. She has no privacy any more. She has proved that she cannot be trusted. That trust will have to be re-built and in time she can have her privacy back, but for now you need to verify that she is sticking to the rules. If she will not accept these rules, or if she breaks them at any time, show her the door. 3
96nole Posted May 10, 2012 Posted May 10, 2012 I am 33 and married. My wife and I have been married for a little over 2 years. We have 2 children, one of which is ours together and the other is from a previous relationship. My wife recently informed me that she has had an affair with the biological father of the other child. I am completely devastated. She was recently gone on a business trip, and had went over to talk to him about some stuff apparently and then slept with him that day multiple times. She came hope that next day and immediately told me (i assume cause she felt guilty). I am so hurt right now I don't know what to do. I just had to get this off my chest, its eating me alive. I feel like it is partially my fault and I didn't do anything wrong. She tried to tell me that she loves both of us....how am i supposed to respond to that. She seems so skizo on all of this one minute she tells me she loves me another she says she has always felt that her ex is her soul-mate. Which right now he has not reciprocated those feelings. I guess another thing that is bothering me is how this is going to affect our children especially our child together. I don't want to lose him. Jesus Christ, what is wrong with some of these people. She had sex with him multiple times and is now telling you that she is in love with both of you. And she thinks he is her soulmate, but he doesn't feel the same towards her. OK, first off, IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT IN ANY WAY, SHAPE, OR FORM!!!!!!! Repeat that 3 times. Your wife has some issues and she is in a fog. You need to be firm with her. You will not tolerate her behavior. She cannot love you both. She needs counseling now. You may need it also. Since you are worried about losing your son, I would suggest consulting a lawyer to find out your rights. Let her know you will consult a lawyer so she knows you are serious. Why did the last relationship end between her and the ex? If he is not reciprocating the feelings towards her, then what is she expecting from him? You are lucky that she told you immediately instead of finding out on your own. She doesn't appear to be willing to continue with a hidden affair. But if you are not firm with her, it will be easier for her to do it again. She needs to fully understand that if she does it again, you are gone for good.
TigerCub Posted May 10, 2012 Posted May 10, 2012 This is much more difficult than something like a workplace affair- because whereas in that case, the cheater can change jobs to never see their AP again, your wife has to see her AP because they share a kid together. Can you really go on and live that way wondering if anything ever happens when they meet up for their kid? Or are you planning on being there EVERY SINGLE TIME. I'm sorry for what you're going through. It really sucks that this guy is going to be in the picture forever. Please see a lawyer about your rights and what would happen in terms of your child - just in case you choose divorce.
Author phelankell Posted May 10, 2012 Author Posted May 10, 2012 Just some more background information. Her ex and her had been on and off since high school. They got pregnant while she was in college. She had moved in with him at one point and then she moved back out. I know their relationship has been very rocky at times. I know she has told me at one time she though they were soul mates, but I never got the feeling that she wasn't over him. Now I am not so certain (obviously). She is basically telling me she doesn't know what her feelings are. Its just really hard for me to try and work through this when she doesn't know what she wants. I know what I want. Which is to try and make our marriage work, but that can only happen if both spouses want it to. I am starting to wonder if she just married me for stability and everything is a lie. This is so frustrating, I can't even put it into words. I just feel like I can't get a read on her anymore. I know I must sound like I am rambling but one other thing I would like to put out there to keep everything in perspective. We have been having some problems in the last few months with my work. I am a teacher, who coaches three sports, which I know can be tough but we need the money, badly I might add. It seemed like we had grown distant, but she became increasingly distant to talk to, she seemed to blame me for being gone, but would never talk to me about how we could improve our monetary situation so I wouldn't have to work so much it was a catch 22.
96nole Posted May 10, 2012 Posted May 10, 2012 Just some more background information. Her ex and her had been on and off since high school. They got pregnant while she was in college. She had moved in with him at one point and then she moved back out. I know their relationship has been very rocky at times. I know she has told me at one time she though they were soul mates, but I never got the feeling that she wasn't over him. Now I am not so certain (obviously). She is basically telling me she doesn't know what her feelings are. Its just really hard for me to try and work through this when she doesn't know what she wants. I know what I want. Which is to try and make our marriage work, but that can only happen if both spouses want it to. I am starting to wonder if she just married me for stability and everything is a lie. This is so frustrating, I can't even put it into words. I just feel like I can't get a read on her anymore. I know I must sound like I am rambling but one other thing I would like to put out there to keep everything in perspective. We have been having some problems in the last few months with my work. I am a teacher, who coaches three sports, which I know can be tough but we need the money, badly I might add. It seemed like we had grown distant, but she became increasingly distant to talk to, she seemed to blame me for being gone, but would never talk to me about how we could improve our monetary situation so I wouldn't have to work so much it was a catch 22. Seems to me the problems over the past few months are more than money. She may have been talking to the ex for those few months. And the business trip was an excuse to go see him. That's probably why she has become distant to talk to. And then she's trying to blame you for it. If you read most of the other threads on here, you'll see that's a pretty common theme. You're not rambling. You're trying to piece together what little information you have at the moment to make sense of it. Perhaps you should call the ex. See what he wants. If he doesn't want her, other than a booty call, tell her she doesn't have a future with him. If he does want her, let her go. You'll be stuck in this fight for longer than you want to deal with. Don't make her a priority if she sees you as an option. Get a lawyer, get your son, and divorce her. It sucks, but so does the constant looking behind your back, the constant lies, the constant disrespect, the constant betrayal.
2long Posted May 10, 2012 Posted May 10, 2012 They got pregnant while she was in college. Man, that must have HURT!! Sorry, couldn't resist! My wife and I have 2 kids and I can assure you that I've NEVER been pregnant. She had moved in with him at one point and then she moved back out. I know their relationship has been very rocky at times. I know she has told me at one time she though they were soul mates, but I never got the feeling that she wasn't over him. Now I am not so certain (obviously). She is basically telling me she doesn't know what her feelings are. Sounds like a co-dependent relationship be2een 2 emotionally imma2re people. What are you going 2 do while she figures out what her feelings are? (especially since she doesn't have a clue what's really important - CHOICES, not feelings). I know I must sound like I am rambling but one other thing I would like to put out there to keep everything in perspective. We have been having some problems in the last few months with my work. I am a teacher, who coaches three sports, which I know can be tough but we need the money, badly I might add. It seemed like we had grown distant, but she became increasingly distant to talk to, she seemed to blame me for being gone, but would never talk to me about how we could improve our monetary situation so I wouldn't have to work so much it was a catch 22. Your si2ation is far more common than you think. And while it's reasonable 2 look at your si2ation 2 see what might have contributed 2 the way it is now, it's not reasonable 2 affix blame. There may be reasons for her affair with her ex, but there are no excuses and you are not responsible. -ol' 2long
Author phelankell Posted May 10, 2012 Author Posted May 10, 2012 If divorce happens to be what ultimately happens, does anyone have any advice or know which thread to read on how to make sure I can win custody of my son. I am basically the bread winner in the family, and am the one who puts my son to bed and night and gets him up in the morning for daycare (my wife works at a daycare, doesn't make much but every bit helps). I will be devastated if my son ends up living with the dirt bag ex who I can't stand. Just to give a couple instances of his dirtbagginess. He drove down for his daughters birthday was supposed to pay for the clown...we payed for everything else, and he conveniently forgot his checkbook. I know my wife told me one time that he had smoked weed on the way down to keep from being bored (my wife and I have completely differing beliefs on marijuana use). He is in charge of his daughters health insurance. He has frequently been late on payments, and we have had to make up the difference. I can't even imagine how I could stomach him in my son's life. Again thanks for all the advice.
96nole Posted May 10, 2012 Posted May 10, 2012 If divorce happens to be what ultimately happens, does anyone have any advice or know which thread to read on how to make sure I can win custody of my son. I am basically the bread winner in the family, and am the one who puts my son to bed and night and gets him up in the morning for daycare (my wife works at a daycare, doesn't make much but every bit helps). I will be devastated if my son ends up living with the dirt bag ex who I can't stand. Just to give a couple instances of his dirtbagginess. He drove down for his daughters birthday was supposed to pay for the clown...we payed for everything else, and he conveniently forgot his checkbook. I know my wife told me one time that he had smoked weed on the way down to keep from being bored (my wife and I have completely differing beliefs on marijuana use). He is in charge of his daughters health insurance. He has frequently been late on payments, and we have had to make up the difference. I can't even imagine how I could stomach him in my son's life. Again thanks for all the advice. Don't ask us. Go talk to a lawyer. A DIVORCE\FAMILY LAW LAWYER!!! My STBXW didn't use a divorce lawyer, I did. Mediation did not go their way because her lawyer didn't know the divorce laws. The laws are different in different states. I really suggest you do this sooner as opposed to later. Doesn't mean you have to get the divorce. But at least you will have the information you need. Now is the time to think about your son first and foremost. 1
2long Posted May 10, 2012 Posted May 10, 2012 If divorce happens to be what ultimately happens, does anyone have any advice or know which thread to read on how to make sure I can win custody of my son. I am basically the bread winner in the family, and am the one who puts my son to bed and night and gets him up in the morning for daycare (my wife works at a daycare, doesn't make much but every bit helps). I will be devastated if my son ends up living with the dirt bag ex who I can't stand. Just to give a couple instances of his dirtbagginess. He drove down for his daughters birthday was supposed to pay for the clown...we payed for everything else, and he conveniently forgot his checkbook. I know my wife told me one time that he had smoked weed on the way down to keep from being bored (my wife and I have completely differing beliefs on marijuana use). He is in charge of his daughters health insurance. He has frequently been late on payments, and we have had to make up the difference. I can't even imagine how I could stomach him in my son's life. Again thanks for all the advice. You need 2 talk 2 a lawyer who is a proponent of men's rights. There is no way you can settle this "amicably". Be careful, as most states favor the kids being with their mother. -ol' 2long
g450 Posted May 11, 2012 Posted May 11, 2012 (edited) OMG I feel for you. You are in a tough spot. My take on this is that she has never gotten over her X and married you as a rebound. The fact that she had a kid with him will cloud your marriage until the day one of you die. Since she cheated on you, you will spend the rest of your marriage looking over your shoulder because of their unbreakable connection. This will poison your marriage. I hate to say it but if it were me I would not want to live that way. Life is too short. If she loves her X that much I would give her her freedom and start by seeing a lawyer. I hate to say it but I am a bit of a hypocrit for posting this but I think Im right. My Fiancee did something similar but we were still just dating but living with me when she did this. She is now divorced from him (I paid for it) and is in little to no contact with him AFAIK. I wish you luck. And I pray for luck myself. Edited May 11, 2012 by g450
Artie Lang Posted May 11, 2012 Posted May 11, 2012 She tried to tell me that she loves both of us WTF does that mean?! personally, if she came to me with this garbage, i'd tell her to pack her **** and go to him then. i'm done. "she loves both of us".....do you see how childish that it? she shouldn't have gotten married if she always had risidual feelings for this guy. tell her to grow up, already.
jnj express Posted May 11, 2012 Posted May 11, 2012 Get yourself out of this---to her, you are just a bank---your mge., is never gonna be rid of him, cuz she has a kid with him, and he her X-Lover means more to her than you do---she has proved it---the facts are in evidence in every post you write Get an atty, also since you are working your butt off, teaching and coaching---so you can all eat---you have nothing to be sorry/ashamed for----Somehow I don't think she works does she----she certainly likes to spend your money on her X-Lover----so you work hard and long----DOES SHE THINK MONEY JUST GROWS ON TREES---You need to cut off her CC's, and put all marital finances in an acct. with your name ONLY on it. She has no problem--having sex with her lover, and calls him her soul-mate---that is not what a H, needs to hear---you need to get out, and get out quickly----Do not let her manipulate you into staying around----she will do that cuz, as I said before---YOU ARE HER BANK------and I am willing to bet her lover instigates her into getting him, YOUR money As to child custody, your atty, will tell you how that is gonna go
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