I hurt so much. What next?

[FizzyGirl]

I've been seeing a lovely man for a while. We've known each other for 25 years since we were toddlers but lost touch through our teenage years. We reconnected on Facebook a while back, and started talking regularly about a year and a half ago. We swapped numbers and got to talking every day, mostly through texts. We must have sent many thousands back and forth. We eventually met up towards the end of last year, initially just as friends catching up. There was a lot of chemistry though, and the second time we met we were sat together touching, the third time we had sex.

 

We haven't been able to see each other often because we don't live near to each other and we both have fairly busy lives. I work and study, and he's very committed to his job. He works long ridiculous hours and values his commitment to his employers more than anything. I often think he should cut himself some slack and relax, but I'm proud of him for getting to where he is today. He's very goal driven. We both live at home and I've spent the night there with him a couple of times. His parents are Indian and I did stay once when they were there (although shamefully they actually don't know- It's a big house!), but after that it was just when they were away. Even though we haven't spent much time together, our communication couldn't have been better. We said good morning and good night every day, and we messaged a bit in-between. The messages were sweet, caring and flirty. He also knew that I had little confidence, so he did what he could to put me on top of the world and it worked. We talked about doing things together in the future, we started planning a holiday, and we invented sweet scenarios.

 

He pampered me one weekend a couple of months ago. He wined and dined me, and booked a beautiful hotel. The weekend was perfect. Until the next night, when he sent me a message saying we should cool things down. I was shocked and I panicked. We'd just had sex, and here he was saying we should cool it. I asked if it was because I'd done something wrong over the weekend, and I asked if he was using me. I know that it didn't sound so innocent, and it was a sort of accusation. I suppose I wanted the reassurance that he wasn't. He said I'd been perfect this weekend, and that he wasn't using me. He said it was because I'd mentioned that my mum was asking questions and had commented on us spending nights together. We both apologised for our misunderstanding, and although it took a few days to get back to our normality, we did. Things were good again.

 

Gradually he started to go cold. I sensed it at one point, and I reassured him. I told him how much I loved it when he was close to me, and I told him how good he made me feel. He responded really well, and he warmed up again completely. It was better than ever. But a few days later he went cold again. I asked him a couple of times what was wrong, and he said nothing and that I should trust him. I didn't push it, since he didn't want to talk about it. Then 2 weeks ago, he said some things to tease me, but I sensed an element of truth. When I pulled him up on it and told him why I didn't find it funny, he agreed that there was an element of truth. I took this as an opportunity to ask when his feelings had changed, and he said it was back when I accused him of using me. I told him again how sorry I was for hurting him, and I explained the misunderstanding thoroughly. I said I didn't mean it, and I wished that he'd forgive me. He said he does forgive me, but he can't forget it. He says he doesn't hold a grudge. If this isn't a grudge, then what is?

 

From there, he added that we have nothing in common, we don't have the same humour and I wouldn't get on with his friends and family. I was already upset, and then he said "you're not girlfriend material" which near on killed me. I cry constantly thinking about it. I didn't say much back, other than defend myself. I told him he was wrong. I said we have loads in common and I listed things. He then backtracked and said we do have similarities. I said we do have the same humour, and that most of our time together was spent laughing, and I reminded him of times when we laughed so hard we couldn't stop. I told him I am very sociable and I get on with most people. I reminded him that I'd been asking to meet his mum again for a while, because I knew her when I was younger and I'd always liked her. I told him that I had spent very little time meeting his brothers recently but we got on well, and we had nice conversations. First he said he knows I wouldn't get on with his friends because of how I am with him. The then backtracked again and said that I probably would, because they're similar in ways to him. I didn't have anything to say to him about his "you're not girlfriend material" comment, other than how much it hurt. He said he was sorry, and that he just wants me to be happy and he wants to be my friend. I'm really not sure why he'd want to be friends with someone if he has nothing in common with them, doesn't share the same humour and thinks they wouldn't get on with his friends and family. I'm confused! I asked him to leave me alone for a few days, and he said sure. He said he was going away for the weekend for a stag do and I told him that if we don't speak before, he should have a lovely weekend and send me a message when he's home.

 

(I'm not sure if this is at all relevant but it's been on my mind and it may help anybody who is reading this to understand a little more about him. Whilst he was telling me that we have nothing in common, I'm not girlfriend material etc, he was telling me that he's never slept with a girlfriend before. He said I'm the only girl he's slept with more than once. I asked if he regretted it and he said of course not. When things were perfect between us he told me that his longest relationship lasted 3 months. His first girlfriend broke up with him when he was a teenager and it completely broke him, so he never let anyone close to him after that. He told me he never takes anything to heart. I've always known that he's a commitment phobe and he's more likely to commit himself to his work, gym, and his diet than to people. He doesn't even like to make commitments with friends, even though he tries his best to accomodate birthdays and other special occasions when he's invited out.)

 

A couple of days later, I wanted to text him. I was fighting myself because I wanted to but knew I shouldn't, so I deleted his number. I was almost certain he'd message me when he got back from his trip, but he got back on Sunday and I haven't heard a thing. I'm so upset over it. I realise that we can't be friends, firstly because I'd never be able to get it out of my head what my friend 'thinks' about me, and secondly because he's put in no effort. He hasn't acted like a friend. It doesn't stop me from missing him like crazy though, and I'm constantly teary and waiting for him to get in touch. I thought about deleting him from Facebook but I haven't yet, since I didn't want to appear to be doing anything drastic about us yet. More than that, I want closure, and until I have it I can't go cutting all my ties. I'm a grown up, and want to behave like one, so if I'm going to cut communication with him then I want to say so. I found his number written down in my diary yesterday. It wasn't on purpose, I just sat down next to a friend in a lecture, opened a page and there it was. The same friend thinks I should text him. I haven't looked at it since, but I'm wondering if I should send him a message. Part of me wants to write him a message telling him that I love him and care about him so much, but we can't be friends and we need to call it a day. The other part of me thinks I should leave it alone and let him come to me. But what if he doesn't? I'm so upset at the moment, and I really do want to feel better.

 

Can anyone give me advice on what I should do next? Should I message him and clear the air?

 

I'm so sad and confused

Edited May 10, 2012 by FizzyGirl

[wilsonx]

He was picking a fight with you to clear his conscience on breaking up with you, then saying those bad things about you (painting you black) for his own self.

 

Don't take any of the negative things he said to heart. While its easier said then done, they are just projections of his insecurities.

 

You can't fix this, this is his own mess. His action of not being a friend to you now speaks volumes about how much he really cares.

 

Chalk this up in the emotional loss column, stay away from him and find someone that you don't have to sneak around to be with

[TaraMaiden]

wilsonx - man of few words, but bang on.

 

He projected reason onto your shoulders to relieve the guilt off his.

 

Closure?

you won't get it from him, ever.

You can ask him every question in the book, and any more you can think of - it will never do any good nor come to anything.

 

Closure can only come from you - with all questions left unanswered.

Because really, the questions don't need answering.

the only response you need to give yourself, is "It's over".

Replies to your questions will just be lies - those he tells you, and those he tells himself to rationalise his actions and put himself in the right.

 

Closure means moving on, not waiting for, or hoping for answers....

 

Because if you wait for them, from him - you will never move on.

[tornangel]

Wow --- Tara Maiden. U are incredible, and sound so wise.Ur words are amazing. They give me hope and strength .. Thanks : )

[FizzyGirl]

Thanks guys, wise words

 

Don't take any of the negative things he said to heart. While its easier said then done, they are just projections of his insecurities.

 

Yes, it really is easier said than done! When someone you care about and trust says things like that, it's really hard not to listen. I can say he's wrong, but they still linger in my mind sometimes, and they still hurt. I guess I'll have to keep reminding myself not to believe them!

 

Closure?

you won't get it from him, ever.

You can ask him every question in the book, and any more you can think of - it will never do any good nor come to anything.

 

Closure can only come from you - with all questions left unanswered.

Because really, the questions don't need answering.

the only response you need to give yourself, is "It's over".

Replies to your questions will just be lies - those he tells you, and those he tells himself to rationalise his actions and put himself in the right.

 

Don't get me wrong TaraMaiden, I don't have any questions. Not that he can answer, anyway. Unless he can unsay what he said (which is impossible) then he can't do anything. My only question was to whoever read my thread. Like I said, do I message him and tell him I care but call it a day, or do I continue as I am? Because at the moment I'm waiting for contact and I'm not getting it. Wondering if he'll message me and when isn't doing me any good.

 

Of course I'd love to wake up tomorrow to him asking for another shot, I won't deny it. But I also won't waste time waiting for something I'm almost certain won't happen, and I certainly won't be pursuing someone who doesn't want me.

 

Closure means moving on, not waiting for, or hoping for answers....

 

Because if you wait for them, from him - you will never move on.

 

Closure means an ending. It's like closing a book- you read the last paragraph, shut the cover and pop it back on the shelf. Then you can pick up another book and move on. You move on once you've got closure.

 

I realise it's different for various people. I for one think the 'no contact rule' is often used incorrectly. Sometimes it's just issuing the silent treatment, which is so painful to be on the receiving end of. 'No contact' should be an agreement.

 

I think I may have just answered my own question. Thanks again