Author headsashed Posted May 22, 2012 Author Posted May 22, 2012 That put a smile on my face geegirl lol,that pic is from when i was about 20 years old,tbh i dont look much different now lol,ill have to try upload 1. Im glad u stuck to my story,u must have had faith in me,many left too because i failed to listen to peoples advice,i dont blame them. Im defo goin to help others when im fully healed and u will be readin a story about me where im happily inlove with this amazing girl. Ill continue to learn lessons in life and thats what makes us better people.
geegirl Posted May 22, 2012 Posted May 22, 2012 That put a smile on my face geegirl lol,that pic is from when i was about 20 years old,tbh i dont look much different now lol,ill have to try upload 1. Im glad u stuck to my story,u must have had faith in me,many left too because i failed to listen to peoples advice,i dont blame them. Im defo goin to help others when im fully healed and u will be readin a story about me where im happily inlove with this amazing girl. Ill continue to learn lessons in life and thats what makes us better people. I believe that everyone's journey is different and that no one can learn or heal by another person's standards or timeline. In a sense you had to learn in your own way, and sometimes the hard way while we looked from the outside from non-emotional eyes, you walked your path with your heart. Two different viewpoints. I had faith in you because I knew that at some stage you would hit a point of realization. Those that left most likely were frustrated and wanted the best for you and just could not see you hurt yourself. Those that stayed understood that we all have our own journey, and a timeline of realization and healing specific to our own emotions and thoughts. As for that picture, I'm sure you're still a looker! 20 or not!
gibson Posted May 22, 2012 Posted May 22, 2012 Ill continue to learn lessons in life and thats what makes us better people. I love your attitude! The reason many of us on here know so much about break ups is because like you... We went through several, made all the "classic" mistakes" and had to learn lessons the hard way. They don't teach classes on breaking up, how to handle a break up, etc. in school and what you see / hear in Movies, TV, Music, etc. is the opposite of what you should think / do. So you learn and grow from this experience... just like we all did. How do you think I came up with the following? For me... I want to be with someone who wants to be with me. For me... If they are not 100% sure they want to be with me... I do not / am not going to be with them. For me... This isn't complicated. Boy mets girl, boy and girl like each other, boy and girl fall in love, boy and girl ride off into the sunset together. For me... I have never had to beg, plead, convince, negotiate, threaten, manipulate, etc. someone to be / want to be with me... For me... I am me. They either liked it or they don't. For me... If someone does not know who they are or what they want... I do not pursue them, date them, want to enter a relationship with them, marry them. For me... I do not pursue EXes who dumped me. For me... If an EX that dumped me wants a second chance... It's not MY JOB to get them to want me. It's THEIR JOB to get me to want them.
geegirl Posted May 22, 2012 Posted May 22, 2012 I love your attitude! The reason many of us on here know so much about break ups is because like you... We went through several, made all the "classic" mistakes" and had to learn lessons the hard way. They don't teach classes on breaking up, how to handle a break up, etc. in school and what you see / hear in Movies, TV, Music, etc. is the opposite of what you should think / do. So you learn and grow from this experience... just like we all did. How do you think I came up with the following? For me... I want to be with someone who wants to be with me. For me... If they are not 100% sure they want to be with me... I do not / am not going to be with them. For me... This isn't complicated. Boy mets girl, boy and girl like each other, boy and girl fall in love, boy and girl ride off into the sunset together. For me... I have never had to beg, plead, convince, negotiate, threaten, manipulate, etc. someone to be / want to be with me... For me... I am me. They either liked it or they don't. For me... If someone does not know who they are or what they want... I do not pursue them, date them, want to enter a relationship with them, marry them. For me... I do not pursue EXes who dumped me. For me... If an EX that dumped me wants a second chance... It's not MY JOB to get them to want me. It's THEIR JOB to get me to want them. H, I agree with Gibson. When you find that person, you'll just know it. There won't be a set of rules. It will all come to you naturally and easily. You won't have to question why they don't want to spend time with you. You won't have to question if they want to be with you. And the likes. My last relationship was painful and when he cheated on me, I struggled so hard to make sense of it, wanting it to work out. Trying to force a suqare peg into a round hole. When an R is tainted with such negativity, it's one not worth fighting for. You have to step away. In my current R, it's the easiest thing that I have ever experienced. It almost seemed weird in the beginning, in a sense because I wasn't used to it being so "easy" and there were times I would wonder if this is how it was supposed to be. And when that person comes into your life, you can't help but realize that suddenly there are no rules, there are no questions and there are definitely no doubts. It will all fall into its place, naturally, piece by piece and that's when you'll have that lightbulb moment! It will happen for you!
Author headsashed Posted May 22, 2012 Author Posted May 22, 2012 Im determined to make my life a good 1,we ourselves make the lifes we want to lead. Geegirl,i know im a looker haha,if i think back to all my past relationships then i can say it that it was my personality that got me girlfriends,obviousley looks have a part to play and women cant think im that ugly. My personality has always been my strongest point,its shattered still but i myself will get it back. During my RS i lost most friends,but recently my friends have been here for me,for the past few days ive been really winding my friend up,its been so funny,he even laughed about it,my point is,i can feel some of my old personality coming back and its already making others laugh and smile. If i continue on the path im on right now then ill be as happy as a pig in sh** in no time.
Chi townD Posted May 22, 2012 Posted May 22, 2012 Im determined to make my life a good 1,we ourselves make the lifes we want to lead. Geegirl,i know im a looker haha,if i think back to all my past relationships then i can say it that it was my personality that got me girlfriends,obviousley looks have a part to play and women cant think im that ugly. My personality has always been my strongest point,its shattered still but i myself will get it back. During my RS i lost most friends,but recently my friends have been here for me,for the past few days ive been really winding my friend up,its been so funny,he even laughed about it,my point is,i can feel some of my old personality coming back and its already making others laugh and smile. If i continue on the path im on right now then ill be as happy as a pig in sh** in no time. Dude, you're still gonna have some up's and down's. You need to roll with the punches. Make those positive changes in your life. Leave your past in the past and start looking forward. If you're having a tough day, you know you can always post here. Even if you're having a good day. Post here. People are here to help you as well as celebrate with you. If the ghosts from your past try to haunt you, ignore them. move forward. I PM'ed you last week about what I think you should do. I hope you consider it.
Author headsashed Posted May 22, 2012 Author Posted May 22, 2012 Dude, you're still gonna have some up's and down's. You need to roll with the punches. Make those positive changes in your life. Leave your past in the past and start looking forward. If you're having a tough day, you know you can always post here. Even if you're having a good day. Post here. People are here to help you as well as celebrate with you. If the ghosts from your past try to haunt you, ignore them. move forward. I PM'ed you last week about what I think you should do. I hope you consider it. Hey chi,i know im going to have many ups and downs,im prepared for them,its what will make me a stronger person. Ye i got ur pm,100% considered what you said,you know,its really nice to have people help you out when you dont know them in person,its what makes the human race great
geegirl Posted May 22, 2012 Posted May 22, 2012 Im determined to make my life a good 1,we ourselves make the lifes we want to lead. Geegirl,i know im a looker haha,if i think back to all my past relationships then i can say it that it was my personality that got me girlfriends,obviousley looks have a part to play and women cant think im that ugly. My personality has always been my strongest point,its shattered still but i myself will get it back. During my RS i lost most friends,but recently my friends have been here for me,for the past few days ive been really winding my friend up,its been so funny,he even laughed about it,my point is,i can feel some of my old personality coming back and its already making others laugh and smile. If i continue on the path im on right now then ill be as happy as a pig in sh** in no time. As a woman, I will say that what attracts me to a man is 1) self-confidence 2) personality & character 3) humor. Looks are an added bonus but if you're lacking inside, she can smell it a mile away and you most likely will not be able to be yourself, therefore cheating yourself of realizing your full potential with her. And its great that you understand and acknowledge the need to rebuild yourself again and in that sense you've already won half the battle. I have no doubt you will achieve all that you want with the attitude that you'r adopting. I'm visualizing being happy as a pig in s***. 1
gibson Posted May 22, 2012 Posted May 22, 2012 As a woman, I will say that what attracts me to a man is 1) self-confidence 2) personality & character 3) humor. Looks are an added bonus but if you're lacking inside, she can smell it a mile away and you most likely will not be able to be yourself, therefore cheating yourself of realizing your full potential with her. Hahahaha! Head should read / do the the following (which I wrote elsewhere...) I am a guy but my "spidey senses" are picking up traces of desperation, neediness, trying to hard, you trying to be the person you think your date wants, you taking yourself and dating way to seriously, etc. Now a women "spidey senses" are 1,000 times better than mine. Woman can spot a man with the above "qualities" a mile away. They find them unappealing and are not attracted to them. My advice... 1. Get your self-worth, self-esteem, confidence, "mojo", identity, validation, approval, etc. from within. 2. Have a life / adventure / passions / goals / dreams / etc. of your own instead of trying to make a women your EVERYTHING. 3. Be yourself. 4. Invite a woman to share and take part in your life / adventure / passions / goals / dreams / etc. Once you do that, you will have my kind of success. and I was told this... Don't listen to the crap that woman can sense or smell anything. They can't sense any more than a man can. I agree with Gee... their "spidey senses" can see it a mile away.
Author headsashed Posted May 22, 2012 Author Posted May 22, 2012 To put it simply,i need my self confidence,character,basically my oldself needs to be back and thats when the women will find me
EgoJoe Posted May 22, 2012 Posted May 22, 2012 My advice to headsashed is to make a discreet deal with a very large Samoan woman and have your Ex taken care of. I wish I was kidding.
Author headsashed Posted May 22, 2012 Author Posted May 22, 2012 lol sounds good,well its quiet night tonight,which is good,no txts or anything. Just had a few hours at my friends house and had a good laugh,i dunno why though but now im at home on my own im startin to feel a little crappy,suppose i should have expected this to happed at some point.
rach24680 Posted May 22, 2012 Posted May 22, 2012 read you're previous post, sounds much like my relationship tbh, but I'm the gf. My bf cheated on me and I took him back. I dont trust him though cos people have told me what he's been doing on nights out, all over girls, trying to kiss my friends etc. I ignore them because he says they're lies.... I know they're true. We also hardly ever spend a full day together, he'd rather get drunk and watch the football and rugby. We have sex maybe once a month and aren't very intimate on an intellectual level either. I think people like these are nasty on purpose so we'll break with them and they're not "the victim" Let me know how it goes as I also am wondering whether to stay with bf or not
Author headsashed Posted May 22, 2012 Author Posted May 22, 2012 read you're previous post, sounds much like my relationship tbh, but I'm the gf. My bf cheated on me and I took him back. I dont trust him though cos people have told me what he's been doing on nights out, all over girls, trying to kiss my friends etc. I ignore them because he says they're lies.... I know they're true. We also hardly ever spend a full day together, he'd rather get drunk and watch the football and rugby. We have sex maybe once a month and aren't very intimate on an intellectual level either. I think people like these are nasty on purpose so we'll break with them and they're not "the victim" Let me know how it goes as I also am wondering whether to stay with bf or not If its anything like how my relationship was going then id get out now,before it gets worse and he breaks ur heart. Gibson said in a previous post that she was tryin to tell me to end it and if i dont then she will eventually explode and cheat on me,thats what eventually happend. I believed all her lies cos i was blinded in love,im just glad now that its totally over,no more worries when she goes out etc,i am hurtin but atleast i know it will eventually go away.
rach24680 Posted May 23, 2012 Posted May 23, 2012 so she ended up cheating on you? I took my bf back after he cheated, and that's when I should have split! You've broke up now? How are you coping with it?
Author headsashed Posted May 23, 2012 Author Posted May 23, 2012 so she ended up cheating on you? I took my bf back after he cheated, and that's when I should have split! You've broke up now? How are you coping with it? yes she ended up cheatin on me a week or so aga while on holiday,she broke up with me the day she got back using different excuses,her friend told me a few days later that she had cheated. I was warned on here that she would and i didnt believe it. Now its happend. Im not coping too bad if im being honest rach,i thought i would have been a complete mess but im far from it which is strange. 2
Mack05 Posted May 24, 2012 Posted May 24, 2012 (edited) Headsashed from a guy thats further down the road than you it will come in waves. You will have some good days and some bad days. The bad days when they are unexpected are such a pain in the $ss. I am at a stage now where I honestly do not understand what I saw in my last ex. She is a truly nasty individual. She has severe unresolved anger issues and almost certainly BPD (if it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck, then it's usually a duck) but I am sick of people never taking responsibility and accountbability for their bad behaviour(s). She is the ultimate Wolf in sheeps clothing. She comes across as a nice, genuine person, but is a complete facade to cover up who she really is. An empty bitter woman who is angry at the world and who plays the victim over and over again. Blaming, projecting, denying. I get so many flashbacks (even now). I remember her constantly criticising my apperance, but doing it in a mean, callous and sneaky way. Her telling me a story about some over weight girl in work offering her a cookie and she saying "no thanks" to her and then saying to herself/me "you weigh over 200 pounds, enjoy the cookie". She was very beautiful but only on the outside. Theee most superficial person I have ever or will ever come across. Always spoke about apperances and looking good. Give me a kind sweet heart over a well groomed sexy woman anyday. Both would be great though haha.. As Wilsonx said, the intoxicating women are usually toxic. I remember being in her appartment thinking it was the 'coldest' place I have ever been. Very few signs of love or warmth. Everything organised perfectly and if a carpet was not in its prefect place she would get into a strop. I never felt myself around her. Felt like I could never relax or that nothing I did was ever good enough. She brought the worst out in me and vice versa. When someone brings the worst out in you, its always time to leave. Not only its time to deal with the "worst in you" so that it's not an issue in your next relationship. I have numerous mails with vicious verbal abuse from her. My crimes were never bad enough to deserve the verbal diarreohea that came out of her mouth. I never did a single malacious thing to her. Yes I made mistakes and did some silly things, but my heart was always in the right place. Part of me wants to expose her for who she truly is, but that would mean sinking to her level and I'm not prepared to do that. I have never mentioned her name to anyone or the extent of what she did and said to me (even my close friends don't know the whole story) and she accuses me of tarnishing her name. Her friend told me she was lieing to me and to stay clear of her and she accuses me of turning her friend against her. Blameshifting, denial, projecting, gaslighting..Anything to avoid turning things inward and facing her demons. Taking responsibility for her behaviour. She is in a new relationship now but like your previous one it has no chance of success and when it fails I feel sorry for the poor guy she is with. Still I blame myself for ignoring the million red flags. She used to (and still does) copies the things I say. It's quite amusing to see actually. She is like a kid copying someone's homework. Yes she might remember the solution, but she doesn't understand the reasoning, understanding or explanation behind it. The make a full recovery you need to stop focusing on the actions of your ex. It took me awhile to do that. I was so full of anger but it was directed at the wrong person. You need to focus on why you wanted to stay in such a crap relationship. It's not good enough to say I loved them and was hoping they would change. The signs are there are if we ignore them then the blame has to come squarely on us. Codependency, low self esteem and insecurites were my issues in my last R. Only you know yours headsashed. I'm enjoying life now. I have developed a huge crush on a girl but I refuse to act on it, because I need to detangle some more from the toxicity that was my last ex and me. I need to truly learn lessons. It's hard. I could see this girl everyday if I want to. I get invited all the time out for group nights out and always come up with excuses not to go. In the meantime I am reading books and training like a lunatic. I think I will know when the time is right to move on. It might lose my chance and I will accept that if it happens, but I'd rather give myself a realistic shot instead of kidding myself that everything is perfect when in reality it is not. This site used to remind me of my ex so I don't post like I once did, but I am pretty close to being able to post here again because I am not far from indifference. Now that will be worth a pint or 8! When the bad days come headsashed just sit with the uncomfortable feelings. Turn the tv off and take deep breaths until it passes. Come post/vent here. Venting here is awesome (just don't mention her name!). Its anonymous and the people here are going through the same thing or have been through the same thing. I am still angry but soon enough I will forgive, let go and move on. I don't try to force it. U can only forgive when u are ready to forgive. I'm not quite there yet. Once you geniunely forgive you can get rid of any baggage and any grip she has over you. You will get there and when you do it will be "what the hell was I thinking, now where is that hot chick with the kind heart I deserve" :-) Edited May 24, 2012 by Mack05 3
MissBrunette84 Posted May 24, 2012 Posted May 24, 2012 That put a smile on my face geegirl lol,that pic is from when i was about 20 years old,tbh i dont look much different now lol,ill have to try upload 1. Im glad u stuck to my story,u must have had faith in me,many left too because i failed to listen to peoples advice,i dont blame them. Im defo goin to help others when im fully healed and u will be readin a story about me where im happily inlove with this amazing girl. Ill continue to learn lessons in life and thats what makes us better people. You know what? you seem like a genuine nice guy and have a great personality and I really hope you do find that girl who knocks you off your feet. You deserve it:) 1
Author headsashed Posted May 24, 2012 Author Posted May 24, 2012 That was a brilliant read mack and made so much sense to me,and thanx miss,yet another smile on my face lol. I know im going to have my bad days as much as good days and the reason im not feeling too bad right now is probably because im still angry,not only at her but at myself for ignoring all the read flags. I know i gave this RS my best shot so i can hold my head up high for that part,i just have issues i need to deal with before i get into another RS and that wont be happening for sometime thats for sure. My problem is mainly self confidence,self esteem,i need them back,i used to be full of them both and thats what made me the person i was back before i met her,yes its all shot with sh** now but ill get it all back in time. In time i will forgive her and that will be another wieght off my shoulders,as much as i hate her right now i cant forget the good times she gave me and eventually i will forgive her,but not before i forgive myself and become the person i used to be. I know that im a good person with a big heart and that some girl really does deserve me,but again,all this will come in time and i have to focus on myself now. Its kind of exciting thinkingg about who my next gf will be,what my next job will be,where i will be in 5 years time,but only i can make this happen. 3
geegirl Posted May 24, 2012 Posted May 24, 2012 (edited) My problem is mainly self confidence,self esteem,i need them back,i used to be full of them both and thats what made me the person i was back before i met her,yes its all shot with sh** now but ill get it all back in time. In time i will forgive her and that will be another wieght off my shoulders,as much as i hate her right now i cant forget the good times she gave me and eventually i will forgive her,but not before i forgive myself and become the person i used to be. I know that im a good person with a big heart and that some girl really does deserve me,but again,all this will come in time and i have to focus on myself now. Its kind of exciting thinkingg about who my next gf will be,what my next job will be,where i will be in 5 years time,but only i can make this happen. The good and bad days will come in waves. You just have to let it pass. At some point the finality of this all will hit you and it is most likely at this point your grieving will begin again. You're running on anger and it's feeding your rationale. But when your heart starts to hurt for what was and what you hoped for, you will grieve. Let it come and feel it and it will pass. Just don't seek comfort from what ails you. You'll get the self-confidence back H. In time, when your emotions begin to fade, you will begin to feel better about yourself, you'll have a different outlook and perspective and in turn that will build positivity in your life moving forward. It's difficult to capture your true self when you've been wounded. But it's there and it will re-emerge again one day but it takes work. It's perfectly normal to hate her and I did too with my ex but now we're able to communicate when we see each other and be normal. Forgiveness for her will come in time, you won't even think about it until one day it dawns on you that she has no effect on you. When that day comes, you will find your freedom and the ability to let go. It won't be something you decide consciously to do but it comes to you as a realization. Don't be so hard on yourself. You loved with an open heart and hoped for the same. There is nothing to forgive yourself about. The only thing that you need to do is love yourself enough to never want to put YOU in a situation that is self-destructive. It is exciting wondering what's ahead of you. And when you least expect it, it will happen. And when you are whole and complete, you'll be able to weed out the bad and let in the good and live your life according to your boundaries. I'm excited hearing you speak about the future! Edited May 24, 2012 by geegirl
Author headsashed Posted May 24, 2012 Author Posted May 24, 2012 Im actually excited about what my future holds,i could win the lottery,anything could happen. Thats what life is all about i suppose. I know 1 day i will be happy again and ill look back at this and proably just laugh at myself. It will be hard to love and trust again but thats probably just because im hurting right now,plus i wont let what 1 person has done to me ruin my chances of happiness with another woman. Everything is gonig to take time,that i know for sure,just wish it would hurry up lol. Ive been pretty busy all day but i have still thought about her,on and off really,but now im finally sat at home its hitting me more. I kind of wish all the pain would just come now so i can get through it and then i can get on with life. My ex txt me last night,basically saying sorry for what she has done and knows shes a messed up girl,i didnt reply,today my phone has been cut off lol,i can still recieve txts and calls but cant send,thats a good thing for me too,just incase i do ever get the urge to reply.
geegirl Posted May 24, 2012 Posted May 24, 2012 (edited) My ex txt me last night,basically saying sorry for what she has done and knows shes a messed up girl,i didnt reply,today my phone has been cut off lol,i can still recieve txts and calls but cant send,thats a good thing for me too,just incase i do ever get the urge to reply. And she will keep busting your boundaries but it's up to you to put a stop to it because you WANT it to stop not because you are dependent on on a phone plan to make it easier for you to resist. Resist because you never want her to treat you like that again. Resist because you will never allow her to dictate what you hope for yourself. Resist because you know she will never be what you hope for her to be. Resist because you know that no matter what you say or do, the situation will not change. She may be sorry today or she'll be unkind the next. She will probably fluctuate depending on the reaction/non-reaction as she's shown you that side of her. Tugging at your heartstrings is her way to see if she'll get something back from you. "Oh, she's sorry, let me be nice and kind to her." It will not pay off, for your sake. You must not read whatever she has to say as it will urge you to react. Just hit delete and let it go H. It will only fuel the urge to respond or the need to defend yourself. Don't read. Delete. Move on. She will try to get in because she has no respect for your boundaries. Don't let her get in. If you do, you stand the chance of going back to where you once were. Please do all you can to eliminate her from your life, at least for now until you completely heal. Edited May 24, 2012 by geegirl 1
Author headsashed Posted May 24, 2012 Author Posted May 24, 2012 Tbh geegirl i havent had any urge to reply,im done with her,she can txt all she wants,she lost when she cheated,simple as that. I know i shouldnt read her txts but i just find it funny that she still has the balls to contact me,ive been the bigger and better person this time and i wont fall for her games. Im now tryin to move on with my life,and believe me,i will get through all this and become happy once again.
geegirl Posted May 24, 2012 Posted May 24, 2012 Tbh geegirl i havent had any urge to reply,im done with her,she can txt all she wants,she lost when she cheated,simple as that. I know i shouldnt read her txts but i just find it funny that she still has the balls to contact me,ive been the bigger and better person this time and i wont fall for her games. Im now tryin to move on with my life,and believe me,i will get through all this and become happy once again. I'm completely with you. Cheating is a dealbreaker. She has the balls to contact you because she's of a different mindset, emotionally and mentally. Aside from that, you've shown her in the past that it's okay for her to break your boundaries and to mistreat you so in her eyes, there are no limits to what you will take and accept. So she pushes to see how far she can go. Your job is to put the brakes on. If she can cheat on you, contacting you means nothing. It's not about balls anymore. It's pure selfishness. She doesn't give a s***. Someone with a conscience and a moral compass would have 1) never treated you this way 2) let you go to be kind and considerate of your feelings. You will get through. If you can read without reacting, then you know your limits. If it gets to a point where it is interfering with your life, then delete and let it go.
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