is it a good idea to go for coffee with ex?

[nyc152]

I need some advice...

 

I'll try to be brief with the story. The girl I've been seeing for the past 5 months dumped me about a month ago. It wasn't a really serious relationship, almost a friends with benefits type thing, but I definitely believe we started developing a bond, I really believe we had a good friendship.

 

I knew all along it wasn't going to progress to a serious relationship (mainly because she didn't want one at the moment), and therefore I didn't beleive it would be a big deal if, or actually when it ended, BUT a month later and I still can't seem to let it go... I've been out on dates with 2 different girls since and, even though they were really nice girls, I can't seem to get interested, I just keep thinking of her.

 

Now, I know it won't work as a relationship, so I don't want to reconcile with her, but I need to get past this somehow! I've talked to her by email a bit, telling her what I think, but it doesn't really help, she doesn't say much at all, which makes things worse.

 

I think it has a lot to do with how she ended it, it was very abrupt, and it was at a point where we were getting along so well. The night she dumped me, we had plan to spend the evening together, instead she texted me that she wanted to end it. I was left so dumbfounded and I think this is whats causing my trouble now...

 

My question is, do you think it would be ok if I ask her to go to coffee with me, I just really want to talk to her again. I just think it would be really helpful getting past this. I just think the text message breakup is what made things so difficult, and I believe the face to face time will fix that.

 

Do you think an invitation like this would be strange?

[tornangel]

U need closure. I think u deserve that. But u cant make her care is what sucks. She knows she has u . Make urself completely unavailable, and watch how she acts then ..

[hinatticus]

Agree. Ending with a text or phone call deserves cutting all ties. Self respect.

[PegNosePete]

I just think the text message breakup is what made things so difficult, and I believe the face to face time will fix that.

Buddy you're looking at it the wrong way. She dumped you by text just hours before a date. That says a lot more than she will ever tell you in a face to face meeting.

 

How much respect does she have for you? NONE.

Does she want to get back together? NO.

How much does she love you? NONE.

Does she want to talk to you about the relationship? NO.

 

You already know those answers. What more do you want from her? Do you think she's likely to give you answers to any more questions? NO.

 

You need to NC her and move on dude.

[hurt brkn]

Just try. I f you really need closure. But you need to be prepared whatver response she will give you

[BewitchedandBothered]

I need some advice...

 

I'll try to be brief with the story. The girl I've been seeing for the past 5 months dumped me about a month ago. It wasn't a really serious relationship, almost a friends with benefits type thing, but I definitely believe we started developing a bond, I really believe we had a good friendship.

 

I knew all along it wasn't going to progress to a serious relationship (mainly because she didn't want one at the moment), and therefore I didn't beleive it would be a big deal if, or actually when it ended, BUT a month later and I still can't seem to let it go... I've been out on dates with 2 different girls since and, even though they were really nice girls, I can't seem to get interested, I just keep thinking of her.

 

Now, I know it won't work as a relationship, so I don't want to reconcile with her, but I need to get past this somehow! I've talked to her by email a bit, telling her what I think, but it doesn't really help, she doesn't say much at all, which makes things worse.

 

I think it has a lot to do with how she ended it, it was very abrupt, and it was at a point where we were getting along so well. The night she dumped me, we had plan to spend the evening together, instead she texted me that she wanted to end it. I was left so dumbfounded and I think this is whats causing my trouble now...

 

My question is, do you think it would be ok if I ask her to go to coffee with me, I just really want to talk to her again. I just think it would be really helpful getting past this. I just think the text message breakup is what made things so difficult, and I believe the face to face time will fix that.

 

Do you think an invitation like this would be strange?

she dumped you and you want to ask her out for coffee? It's over. seeing her would fix nothing. Stay NC for your own healing.

[nyc152]

yeah closure, that's what's missing I think... I wasn't sure what you would call it. I'm not interested in getting back together with her, it just wouldn't work anyway, I just don't want to be stuck thinking about her forever or even much longer then this.

 

The wierd part is I was fine when it first happen for a week or two because I figured she would just fade from my memory quite quickly because I wasn't with her that long... but after going on dates with two other girls since and only thinking about her while I was with them, has made me wonder what's wrong with me... this sucks... Maybe closure is required, that's why I wanted to try the coffee thing. Again, I'm not interested in getting back together with her, or making her apologize, just need to get her outta my mind and this non face to face talking isn't working... I don't really care what she thinks of me now, this is for my own well-being.

 

So would you girls think it was wierd for a guy to ask you for coffee for this reason if you dumped him?

[nyc152]

Just try. I f you really need closure. But you need to be prepared whatver response she will give you

 

what do you mean whatever response? you mean she might tell me to take a hike or leave her alone?

[geegirl]

So would you girls think it was wierd for a guy to ask you for coffee for this reason if you dumped him?

 

You're missing the point and not absorbing what Peg and Bewitched are saying to you. It's not about whether it's weird or not. It's about self-respect and dignity.

 

Your closure is accepting she does not want a relationship and that her needs do not coincide with yours. There is no other form of closure.

 

As much as you say you don't want a relationship or seek it, that denial translates as you actually wanting to see if there is one more chance you can change her mind. Maybe a face to face will turn her around. You're lying to yourself.

 

If you realize that there is no chance of a relationship, that should be your closure.

 

In addition, she was a friend with benefits. She does not owe you anything nor is she responsible for your feelings.

[marsha80]

What are you hoping for by meeting her? Is it going to make you feel better if you heard the same message in person? Are you hoping that her reasons are different in person, or is this a power play on your part? By getting her to meet you (do what you want) you feel a sense of satisfaction and can feel a lot better?

[jennisfora]

go nc. if you still need this closure in a month, go ahead and try to set up a coffee date then. you will have more clarity, be less emotional, and she will be less wary. if you try and set up a date right now, she is going to go, oh boy, this isn't going to be pretty, no thanks. if she broke up over the phone, she was scared of how you would react, and is a coward, if she is a coward, why would she agree to coffee with you? she is going to say no thanks.

 

after some time has passed, she may be less likely to see it as an ambush, and more likely to be open to catching up, plus be more curious, also, you may find you don't need a face to face meeting after all. win win.

[marsha80]

I also find it surprising that you call her an 'ex' when you were fwbs at most.

[geegirl]

I also find it surprising that you call her an 'ex' when you were fwbs at most.

 

I found it odd too. FWB is an arrangement. If you're going in hoping it can evolve into something more, then you're setting yourself up for hurt. These things always end up hurting the one that can't separate emotions from sex.

[Savage4]

You describe your relationship as FWB's so was it a mutually exclusive relationship or an open-ended one? Either way, considering where you are at right now I disagree with the other posters because I think getting closure will clear some things up for you to help you move on and will be a good learning experience. I also say this because you already said you have no intention of getting back together with her. She may tell you something you don't want to hear so be prepared for that, but at least you won't be confused or dumbfounded anymore.

As far as asking her out for coffee - I wouldn't be surprised if she said no. You might want to consider something less formal, or even just a phone call since she will feel more comfortable talking with you if the ball is still in her court.

[nyc152]

thanks for replying but I have to disagree with some of the more recent comments... If you're with a prostitute for a night, I agree, that is just sex, and there is no emotion or connection. (I would just like to say, I've never been with a prostitute) BUT if you decide to be with someone for 5 months as a friend WITH benefits, then as a human being you have a connection with that person, I don't care what anyone says... and if you think you can avoid it you watch to many lame movies, or you don't understand yourself. The other possibly is you actually can't stand the person and just want the sex you are truly broken. Sure its a strange dynamic, but you still have to care for that person, I did. How can you kiss someone, nevermind have sex with them for that long without caring for them? Crazy.

 

A friend with benefits isn't the wild n dirty modern "contract" thing you make it out to be, we talked like friends, we talked about our familes, we talked about our plans... we just didn't have the bf/gf relationship, because we knew, for a few important reasons, that a serious relationship wasn't going to be possible right now between us. Unfortunately I think in the end her friends thought a lot like you guys and "advised" her that our relationship didn't fit the "hollywood" model and therefore it was wierd. I thought this because she could be the sweetest girl ever and the next day she would do a total one 180 and be totally different. She also believed she could keep emotions out of it, but I don't think she could either.

 

I think unless someone truly understands themself and has actually been in a relationship like this one they don't really understand how it works, I didn't, and I don't think she did either, even though she was the one who suggested it. Ultimately I think this is what ended it, just to much uncertainty about what we were feeling. You cannot turn off emotions, and if you try **** just goes screwy. OH and I suppose she was my ex-friend then not my "ex".

 

I also don't understand this NC thing. If someone you care about suddenly dies, what would you want to do more then anything? obviously see them again and tell them how much you cared about them. Even though you KNOW you can't bring them back, it would probably the most helpful thing someone could have in that case to help them cope. When people lose someone suddenly, they have a MUCH more difficult time coping with the loss then when they have time to say goodbye. Why is it the case when you break up with someone you should never talk to them? you still care about them? unless they did something terrible to you of coursel, even then. She obviously had her reasons for breaking up with me, and she should of done it in a better way for sure, but I don't hate her for it, the good things I remember about her still outweigh that.

 

I thank you for your comments, because they really made me think about things more clearly. You have to use your own mind. I don't know if I'll ask her for coffee... but i believe she thinks a lot like many people here do, because we've been trained to think this way, and she'll probably just think I'm weak or lose respect for me, like you said, because that's how we've been trained to think. The games of superiority are just lame. What I know is if I ever have to break up with someone in the future, I will be as patient and caring with them as I possibly can, and hear them out if they're not dealing well with it.

[nyc152]

You describe your relationship as FWB's so was it a mutually exclusive relationship or an open-ended one? Either way, considering where you are at right now I disagree with the other posters because I think getting closure will clear some things up for you to help you move on and will be a good learning experience. I also say this because you already said you have no intention of getting back together with her. She may tell you something you don't want to hear so be prepared for that, but at least you won't be confused or dumbfounded anymore.

As far as asking her out for coffee - I wouldn't be surprised if she said no. You might want to consider something less formal, or even just a phone call since she will feel more comfortable talking with you if the ball is still in her court.

 

thanks, and it was exclusive

[Savage4]

thanks for replying but I have to disagree with some of the more recent comments... If you're with a prostitute for a night, I agree, that is just sex, and there is no emotion or connection. (I would just like to say, I've never been with a prostitute) BUT if you decide to be with someone for 5 months as a friend WITH benefits, then as a human being you have a connection with that person, I don't care what anyone says... and if you think you can avoid it you watch to many lame movies, or you don't understand yourself. The other possibly is you actually can't stand the person and just want the sex you are truly broken. Sure its a strange dynamic, but you still have to care for that person, I did. How can you kiss someone, nevermind have sex with them for that long without caring for them? Crazy.

 

A friend with benefits isn't the wild n dirty modern "contract" thing you make it out to be, we talked like friends, we talked about our familes, we talked about our plans... we just didn't have the bf/gf relationship, because we knew, for a few important reasons, that a serious relationship wasn't going to be possible right now between us. Unfortunately I think in the end her friends thought a lot like you guys and "advised" her that our relationship didn't fit the "hollywood" model and therefore it was wierd. I thought this because she could be the sweetest girl ever and the next day she would do a total one 180 and be totally different. She also believed she could keep emotions out of it, but I don't think she could either.

 

I think unless someone truly understands themself and has actually been in a relationship like this one they don't really understand how it works, I didn't, and I don't think she did either, even though she was the one who suggested it. Ultimately I think this is what ended it, just to much uncertainty about what we were feeling. You cannot turn off emotions, and if you try **** just goes screwy. OH and I suppose she was my ex-friend then not my "ex".

 

I also don't understand this NC thing. If someone you care about suddenly dies, what would you want to do more then anything? obviously see them again and tell them how much you cared about them. Even though you KNOW you can't bring them back, it would probably the most helpful thing someone could have in that case to help them cope. When people lose someone suddenly, they have a MUCH more difficult time coping with the loss then when they have time to say goodbye. Why is it the case when you break up with someone you should never talk to them? you still care about them? unless they did something terrible to you of coursel, even then. She obviously had her reasons for breaking up with me, and she should of done it in a better way for sure, but I don't hate her for it, the good things I remember about her still outweigh that.

 

I thank you for your comments, because they really made me think about things more clearly. You have to use your own mind. I don't know if I'll ask her for coffee... but i believe she thinks a lot like many people here do, because we've been trained to think this way, and she'll probably just think I'm weak or lose respect for me, like you said, because that's how we've been trained to think. The games of superiority are just lame. What I know is if I ever have to break up with someone in the future, I will be as patient and caring with them as I possibly can, and hear them out if they're not dealing well with it.

 

Your relationship sounds loosely defined which may have contributed to the breakup. I think the thing that is throwing me off is that you say it was friends with benefits but that it was also mutually exclusive.

In FWB's usually one person always has more feelings than the other and ends up burned. In order for these situations to work out it is more of a 'booty call' where the relationship is based purely on the physical aspect with no strings attached. This means that you don't 'hang out' and kiss each other and tell stories. Once you start getting to know the other person it is inevitable that feelings will develop and thus strings get attached. If the relationship consists only of sex and nothing else then the chance of long term success is possible. The less the partners know about each other the better. It is a shallow form of relationship and is not for everyone (probably including you).

 

"A friend with benefits isn't the wild n dirty modern "contract" thing you make it out to be, we talked like friends, we talked about our familes, we talked about our plans"

 

This is exactly why you developed feelings and why you should have considered a serious relationship or no relationship...

 

"I also don't understand this NC thing. If someone you care about suddenly dies, what would you want to do more then anything? obviously see them again and tell them how much you cared about them... Why is it the case when you break up with someone you should never talk to them? you still care about them?"

No contact is necessary to heal and move on. If you stay in contact with the person it will take you exponentially longer to move on. If the dumper stays in contact with you they are doing you a disservice by leading you on and not allowing you to heal.

 

The painful and hard thing about breakups that differs from death is that no matter how much you love and care for your partner, they don't feel the same way about you/the relationship or they wouldn't have broken up with you in the first place. They don't need your caring support to cope... they're the one that dumped you!! So when you see them again and tell them how much you care about them you are only coming across as needy and will only push them away further.

 

It sounds like you care a lot about this girl, but it's time you start thinking about yourself and your own healing. If you decide to talk with her, don't pour your heart out and mention how much you care for her. Only ask of her the closure you are seeking. I don't think she will see you as weak if you ask her this because it takes a strong person to be able to handle the truth. The question is if she is strong enough to tell you...

Edited May 11, 2012 by Savage4

[marsha80]

Agreed, I don't think she will see you as weak. It takes confidence to do something like this. Go for it, nothing to lose.

[marsha80]

And the sooner the better. Best to talk before you get the watered down version that can happen after too much time passes.

[SuperGeek]

Personally I have learned over the years that once a woman is done with you, she's done with you. No amount of talking, texting, or correspondence will change her mind. I view it as a switch that has been flipped and welded into place by her feelings. No amount of logic or reason will change their mind quickly and only a long term realization and evaluation of the situation can remove those spot welds to allow the switch to be moved into the other direction. Often by the time this happens, if it does, it is too late and you will have moved on.

 

Women have a monopoly on sex and relationships, which means it all starts with them. It is their turf and they pretty much make the rules. This is why women can be very picky and reject most guys they typically meet in a given day/week because they know how the game works. They know that relatively soon another set of guy(s) will be in the picture for evaluation and so they won't be in any hurry to make a selection.

 

My advice to you is go NC with this woman. Don't announce it or appear upset. There are just far too many other females to waste the time on one that will not give you the time of day and especially one that has already rejected you.

 

Life is short, spend the time pursuing someone that will actually give you a chance, not someone that is a lost cause already.

 

Just my .02.

 

SuperGeek

Edited May 11, 2012 by SuperGeek

[nyc152]

I did have coffee with someone else, actually two other really nice girls... why my head still keeps going back to her I don't know.

 

The other thing that bothered me is when she broke it off she seemed so angry about the whole thing, like I had done something terrible to her, but I didn't. I tried to be as respectful, caring, and as kind as I possibly could to her the whole time we were together, and it seemed that she resented that for some reason. It was almost like she wanted to be mistreated? I also tried not to be pushy because in the type of relationship we had, I thought it was the right thing for her to initiate things... I think she took this as not being interested in her, or not being attracted to her, this was just the opposite as well, I was exteremly attracted to her.

 

After she broke it off, I ran into her a couple times and she gave me these very dirty looks, like I had dumped her?! (without going into details, our work places were in close proxcimity) Why would she give me dirty looks, like she hated me or something, it was so strange! I think this is why I'm still stuck on this, it was just such a strange end.

 

I don't know... I should probably just try leaving things alone... but it's never been this... tough

[marsha80]

Sounds like u just want to be the better person, and don't want her to go on thinking negative things when they weren't what u meant, and it's bothering u to know that she doesn't remember you well.

 

It's always more genuine when someone wants to 'right' something sooner rather than later. Reach out. The worst that can happen is she says no, but she'll know that you did try. Also, if u try to reach out and she comes around later, it still makes u look genuine, and not shady (like trying something w/ ulterior motives in mind).

Edited May 12, 2012 by marsha80

[nyc152]

Sounds like u just want to be the better person, and don't want her to go on thinking negative things when they weren't what u meant, and it's bothering u to know that she doesn't remember you well.

 

It's always more genuine when someone wants to 'right' something sooner rather than later. Reach out. The worst that can happen is she says no, but she'll know that you did try. Also, if u try to reach out and she comes around later, it still makes u look genuine, and not shady (like trying something w/ ulterior motives in mind).

 

but I never did anything "negative" to her, that was the wierd thing about it, and yes it is bothering me she doesn't remember me well, which is probably strange because I shouldn't care, but I do.

 

I'm not really sure how I would even approach this. She used the phrase, "we're not on the same page" a lot when she put an end to things, so its very likely shes has long moved on and hasn't put a thought into us in a long time (it happenned over month ago). So it's probably the case she would be very confused as to why I haven't moved on. Like I said it was always very difficult trying to figure out what she was thinking. She also said on a few occassions, that she thought she wasn't being pursued enough, and she liked persistance, what does that mean? It seemed as though when I tried being more persistant she ended it.

 

marsha80, it's interesting you say I should try this, have you dumped someone but really wanted them to come back to you? at least as a friend? what if someone you dumped asked you to coffee a month later?

[jennisfora]

you can ask, but i really think she will decline. as long as it doesn't bother you if she declines your invite, i guess you are okay. just dont expect anything. so you wont be disappointed, i am probably going to coffee with my ex next week, but i dont expect to reconcile. i think he just wants to apologize in person. im okay with that, i think i can handle it now. one month from the breakup, i couldnt handle it, i was a complete mess. but, each person is different. *hugs*

[tornangel]

I dont think anyone meant anything offensive towards you. They are really just trying to say that because of how cold hearted her break up with you was , it shows her lack of genuine feelings for you. And they say to go NC to prevent urself from getting hurt even more. It is to protect yourself. Love can hurt the longer we hold onto something that the other person has already let go of. we go NC so that we can start living again, for ourselves. Sure it hurts, but it is the best way. And she has really disrespected you sadly. It hurts like crazy to not have any closure. My ex of 4 yrs that I waited on for 10 months had drove kept accusing me of cheating constantly until I had to break it off, and I really loved him and didnt want anyone else. But I couldnt handle the stress of his insecurities anymore. He a week later was, in a relationship on fb. Then when he came back on leave he completely ignored me until the last few days , and I was so furious. And felt so hurt. I wanted closure more than anything, and the more he wouldnt give it to me, the more angry I became. So I decided to block him from fb. FOr ME.... Because he didnt care about me at all, and didnt respect me enuf to be decent to me. SO I needed to respect myself and stop feeling sorry for him or pretend he ever gave a crap... Cause he didnt. I had to face reality. It is harsh, but u will have to do the same . Sorry... I feel a million times better not worrying about him anymore, and we have a son together. And I still am not ready to date anyone, but thats okay... I am just fine by myself : ) Good Luck to u..