StripeyShirt Posted May 10, 2012 Posted May 10, 2012 My partner and I met online, and we lived three hours away from each other. We met and it was a wonderful relationship from the start. I have three small children, he has two teenaged children. After a year of seeing each other once a week or so, I moved to his city (which I had planned to do at some point anyway) and we lived together. My instinct was telling me at that point it was too soon to make that decision...he kept talking about wanting to marry me at some point, spend the rest of his life with me. But, in retrospect we agree that we got carried away with the romance of it all, and the relief that we both felt in finding each other after very difficult marriages. It didnt go so well - the external pressures got to us. His kids were very resentful that their dad was living with a woman other than his ex-wife and my kids, they stopped seeing him. My kids were fine, but his guilt over his kids put up a huge barrier between him and my kids. We were a broken family. We were both in the middle of finalising our divorces and financial settlements and it got messy. We never fought and we did our best, but nobody was happy. One night everything came to a head - we never ever fought, but this night it seemed that it all became too much after we had an unpleasant conversation about our respective children. After a couple of days thinking, he told me that he wanted to end our relationship as it wasnt working. I agreed with him, but felt like dying with the pain of it ending. A day or two later we decided that we would take a step back and still see each other and do what we should have done in the first place, and live in separate houses. We have done that for a year and its worked really well. Well, apart from his kids, who hate him even more than they did before., but I have stepped right out of that and totally disengaged. That is now his issue to deal with. Our issues with exes have been resolved, him and my kids are closer and our relationship is strong, communicative, respectful and safe. We recently started talking about our future again (at his request - I was all "la la la la") and he is insistent that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me, but he is not sure at this point if he can make that same commitment to my kids. My youngest is four years old. He is struggling still with the concept of making a home with me and my kids. He says that is it were just him and I....but its not. I am the mother of three children, so there is no getting away from it. When he is here, he is lovely with them and they spend time together, but of course that could be because he is not here permanently. I really dont know what to do. I respect his feelings, and think he is being wise and am appreciative that he is being honest with me. However, our love is strong and deep and I feel a very strong sense of commitment towards him and would love to share all aspects of our lives. Do I listen to this nagging little voice in my head that says he will never make a life commitment to me while I have the kids living with me, or do I enjoy every day that we have together, because in all other respects it is a wonderful relationship? I am taking a big chance here - we will either break up when I can see once and for all that he wants things to stay as they are, or I will decide it is good how it is, or he will get to the point where he will be comfortable sharing a home and a life with me and my kids. I would really love to hear anyone's honest thoughts.
wheeler Posted May 10, 2012 Posted May 10, 2012 Can you ever see that nagging voice in your head going away? Sometimes we feel like we need to ask everyone's advice because we don't want to acknowledge what we know already (I did this a month ago asking anyone & everyone about pre-wedding doubts, I was just looking for confirmation when someone said "if you're not happy now you definitely won't be after the wedding"); your general tone sounds a bit like you know the answer deep down? Is there anyway you could get away for a few days to reflect on everything? This worked a treat for me. And remember: the pleasant decisions in life aren't always the right ones, in the same way that the right decisions can be horrible in the short term but the right thing to do in the long run (especially when you know it deep down). Good luck
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