Reconciliation...is it harder for the Betrayed Spouse

[Furious]

OK, so what consequences is he seeing from his actions?

Does he ever see this person any more?

Does he allow you to see his phone and laptop whenever you want?

 

It sounds like he is the typical "sorry he got caught not sorry he did it" type.

 

 

He is an open book now...everything is accessible to me.

He doesn't travel to that city anymore.

He's in IC...and so am I. For now I don't want to continue with MC until I truly feel I can give reconciling a real chance.

[Spark1111]

He is an open book now...everything is accessible to me.

He doesn't travel to that city anymore.

He's in IC...and so am I. For now I don't want to continue with MC until I truly feel I can give reconciling a real chance.

 

I felt exactly the same way! I was the one to quit MC the first time as I was too angry to examine anything but the affair!

 

I was also unsure for a LONG time if I could stay married to him.

 

And I let that be okay --to decide NOT to decide anything until I knew conclusively what I wanted to do.

 

I was very honest with him about my ambivalence. I also seemed to get a much better response when I was truly sad about it all, rather than angry but I sure was both often.

 

I have asked him, if the roles were reversed, would you still be here with me?

 

He claimed yes, he thought so. I doubt it.

 

But it is very common for the WS to get over it much more quickly than the BS. Love, schmove, right?

 

It's not the affair, per se....it's all that lying to our trusting faces that just kills doesn't it?

 

In time, my H got it. It took a awhile though.

[Furious]

Spark

 

You are spot on about the days and days lying in my face being even harder to get over than the actual affair...don't get me wrong the affair still feels like a punch in the gut.

 

I look at him and I see a stranger...this lying, arrogant ******* who drank gallons of ego juice...who did not confess but got caught, and who was more concerned about damage control, so continued to lie, omit, and minimize in self preservation.

 

This is the brick wall I hit....and even though he is no longer lying to me...I cannot forget that had I not been so determined to get the truth he would he would still be lying to me.

[Spark1111]

Spark

 

You are spot on about the days and days lying in my face being even harder to get over than the actual affair...don't get me wrong the affair still feels like a punch in the gut.

 

I look at him and I see a stranger...this lying, arrogant ******* who drank gallons of ego juice...who did not confess but got caught, and who was more concerned about damage control, so continued to lie, omit, and minimize in self preservation.

 

This is the brick wall I hit....and even though he is no longer lying to me...I cannot forget that had I not been so determined to get the truth he would he would still be lying to me.

 

Hmmm....I think in certain circles it is called hitting "the plains of lethal flatness" and it is a brick wall of feeling nothing but fatigue and despair and nothingness.

 

Around 8 months out, we had come from a pretty good joint counseling session and I had asked him if there was anywhere else he had taken her. He replied, no.

 

A few days later I discover one more place and I called a divorce attorney that week.

 

Here is another thing: The WS is the BIGGEST TRIGGER there is. Just the sight of them when in an angry or sad mood can set you right off.

 

If I was heading to the dark side and he was growing defensive, I would ask him to leave for the night before we both grew destructive.

 

If he refused, I did. I would check into a hotel overnight, or some weekends I would go and visit a girlfriend or family member.

 

Sometimes, I just needed to clear my head and get away from the drama that had become us; a break from it all. It helped.

[Steen719]

I imagine he thinks he won't stand a chance to reconcile if he leaves, so he won't. What if he knew that your inability to think clearly because you are in the middle of the mess would make it more difficult or impossible to reconcile? Would he be more willing to leave?

 

Of all of the emotions I have felt for the last 22 years, the one that has hurt me the most is feeling betrayed by my XH. I know the pain of someone lying right to your face and not understanding how someone you love can do that to you. I don't know the answer to that as I experienced it as you did. I suspect it is some wiring in certain people (for whatever reason) that allows them to do it, but that is most likely an unpopular way of thinking. You know how some people say that anyone will cheat if given an opportunity. I had plenty of reason and opportunity and did not, so I can only go on what I think. I don't know everything about either time and I never will. It is just as well, as it would serve no purpose for me NOW, having left.

 

Was it better when he left before? Was it better when he moved back in? Do you own the home, so you would not want to leave it? Why does he say he did it? What does your IC say?

 

Furious, I am so sorry that you are feeling so low. God knows, I have been there. Hold on to the good things in your life with both hands and sooner or later you will make a decision you can live with. The good thing is you do not have to make it today. Many big hugs sent your way.

[findingnemo]

Coincidentally, I just watched a movie called The Vow. The main female character asks her mother why she stayed when she found out about her H's A. She said she made a choice. She made a choice to stay with her H for all the things he has done right and not to leave him for the one thing that he had done wrong.

 

How is this relevant? I've been thinking about how hard it is to be the BS. How difficult it is to decide what to do - to leave or to stay. To forgive or not. I know it's a movie but the mother makes a good point. It's not that she ever forgets what her H did. The A. It's that she looks at the total sum of his actions.

 

About the lying, Furious. I think you need to figure out if he kept lying out of fear that more of the truth would hurt you unnecessarily (doesn't make it better per se), or if he was lying because of a sense of entitlement. So many of them lie and then TT thereafter. Now that you have the truth...and now that he seems remorseful and does all he can, do you think he's being sincere? Do you feel that right now he is the man he used to be? Or does he still seem unrecognizable?

[nofool4u]

Reconciliation...is it harder for the Betrayed Spouse

 

I feel it is most definitely harder for the BS. I agree, I think the WS just wants to put it behind them, never talk about it again, and sweep it under the rug.

 

The BS is the one that gets to play the mind movies of the betrayal for the rest of their days Although they should diminish over time, just never will they completely go away.

[Summer Breeze]

Coincidentally, I just watched a movie called The Vow. The main female character asks her mother why she stayed when she found out about her H's A. She said she made a choice. She made a choice to stay with her H for all the things he has done right and not to leave him for the one thing that he had done wrong.

 

How is this relevant? I've been thinking about how hard it is to be the BS. How difficult it is to decide what to do - to leave or to stay. To forgive or not. I know it's a movie but the mother makes a good point. It's not that she ever forgets what her H did. The A. It's that she looks at the total sum of his actions.

 

About the lying, Furious. I think you need to figure out if he kept lying out of fear that more of the truth would hurt you unnecessarily (doesn't make it better per se), or if he was lying because of a sense of entitlement. So many of them lie and then TT thereafter. Now that you have the truth...and now that he seems remorseful and does all he can, do you think he's being sincere? Do you feel that right now he is the man he used to be? Or does he still seem unrecognizable?

 

All I could think about was how all of the good things he did for the years they were together meant everything to me and nothing to him. Every second we were together, every time we made eye contact, every word we spoke, were all lies. All of that time was full of constant lies. There could never be enough good done to offset that. I was like Furious. I found out and I confronted. I couldn't balance what he'd done against what we had before the A.

 

I didn't stay and reconcile probably because I knew I couldn't. There isn't a thing in me that says the WS comes close to what the BS does for hurting and repairing.

[Furious]

Thank you to all you for the kindness you've shown me here.

 

 

These past few days have been so hard. I haven't felt this low since a few months ago. The adrenalin that kept me going seems to have worn off.

 

I don't know what I want...it changes from day to day and I am scared I will make the wrong decision.

 

Yes Spark...my husband is also a trigger and there are times I can't even look at him.

 

Findingnemo...we've been married almost 20 years, and I weigh the sum of the good things, the beautiful moments we shared , against the debris this betrayal has thrown at us.

 

Steen....my husband is terrified that if he leaves this time, I will not take him back.

[96nole]

Thank you to all you for the kindness you've shown me here.

 

 

These past few days have been so hard. I haven't felt this low since a few months ago. The adrenalin that kept me going seems to have worn off.

 

I don't know what I want...it changes from day to day and I am scared I will make the wrong decision.

 

Yes Spark...my husband is also a trigger and there are times I can't even look at him.

 

Findingnemo...we've been married almost 20 years, and I weigh the sum of the good things, the beautiful moments we shared , against the debris this betrayal has thrown at us.

 

Steen....my husband is terrified that if he leaves this time, I will not take him back.

 

Do you have friends or family that are out of town that you can go visit for a few days? I think it would benefit you greatly if you could get away for a few days. Right now you are sitting in the middle of all the bad memories. Get away for a few days to clear your head. The weekend is coming up. Leave the kids and H at home. I know it's Mothers Day this Sunday and I'm sure they will want to do something for you. Let them wait until Sunday evening.

 

Or go to a hotel out of town that has a spa and massage area. Pamper yourself for a day or two. You need to see different surroundings and people. Perhaps it will give you your energy back.