Furious Posted May 10, 2012 Posted May 10, 2012 In my situation, it's seems to be a lot harder to attempt to reconcile. For my WS, he wants to put it behind us, and he does seem remorseful not only in words but also by his actions. Sometimes I wish the roles were reversed.
RickFox Posted May 10, 2012 Posted May 10, 2012 My W, a year later, is still having a hard time with my betrayal...I have to remember it's not ever an easy thing to get over when you are the one who has been victimized. It's been our biggest stumbling block. 1
Author Furious Posted May 10, 2012 Author Posted May 10, 2012 My W, a year later, is still having a hard time with my betrayal...I have to remember it's not ever an easy thing to get over when you are the one who has been victimized. It's been our biggest stumbling block. How has it been for you? What has been the hardest part in this for you to overcome. Maybe your answer can shed some light on the WS's perspective.
PegNosePete Posted May 10, 2012 Posted May 10, 2012 Of course it's harder for the BS. The WS chose to engage in the nefarious activities and should accept the consequences of their actions. The BS was thrown into the situation with no warning, and without being consulted or having any choice in the matter. My heart does not bleed one iota for the WS -- they chose their path and created the entire situation. The WS was thrown under the bus, they are the only victim here. 1
ISurvived Posted May 10, 2012 Posted May 10, 2012 In my situation, it's seems to be a lot harder to attempt to reconcile. For my WS, he wants to put it behind us, and he does seem remorseful not only in words but also by his actions. Sometimes I wish the roles were reversed. I think it is harder for BS's. I'm 4 years out and R'd, but there are still times when it comes to mind. Over the years my FWW, she would be the same, just put this behind us, it's over, it's in the past, etc. She has been remorseful and did the heavy lifting to R, but saying those type of things isn't helpful to R. I don't see how it couldn't be harder on a BS. You were the one that was blindsided by being betrayed. The WS made a decision that affected the rest of your life without including you in the decision. While I can say I am R'd and love my wife, it's not the same as before her A. The same level of trust just isn't there. I hate that too. 1
YellowShark Posted May 10, 2012 Posted May 10, 2012 (edited) As a BS I can assure you it is harder. The WS wants to wipe the slate clean as fast as possible.. that is their goal 99.9% of the time. Hell, most of the time they will blame the BS for their "lack of trust" after the affair for slowing the reconciliation! HA! If that isn't priceless. Meanwhile the BS suffers greatly from heartbreak, doubt, anger, sadness, fear... etc. ETA While I can say I am R'd and love my wife, it's not the same as before her A. The same level of trust just isn't there. I hate that too. And it never ever will be the same. You can thank the WS for that. Edited May 10, 2012 by YellowShark 5
96nole Posted May 10, 2012 Posted May 10, 2012 In my situation, it's seems to be a lot harder to attempt to reconcile. For my WS, he wants to put it behind us, and he does seem remorseful not only in words but also by his actions. Sometimes I wish the roles were reversed. Furious, of course it's going to be harder for you. Your husband knowingly was cheating on you. He took to the time to get to know the panty-less woman. He took the time to make up lies to tell you. It was a slow and easy transition for him. It was exciting to him. Meanwhile, you are living your life as if nothing was wrong. You had no idea of the sh*t storm that was barreling down on you. You had no idea the day you were doing laundry, your world was about to explode. You had no idea that your life with your husband and family was a lie. You had no idea the person you thought you could trust the most, the person you knew in your mind had your back was capable of those lies. Then you, like all of us, find out in a single moment that it is all a lie. You didn't have a slow and easy transition. You immediately realize you have been betrayed by the person you thought you could trust the most. The person you thought had your back, was actually stabbing you in the back. There is no excitement for you. Only pain, hurt, betrayal, suffering, confusion, etc for you. Of course the WS wants it behind you and him. He wants things back to the way they were. He doesn't want to be constantly reminded of what happened. He doesn't want to face the consequences of what he did. He can't understand your pain. What is a lie to you, is reality to him. He doesn't have to come to terms that he was continuously lied to. He doesn't have to come to terms with the betrayal of what he thought to be true. He doesn't have the mind movies of some other man pawing all over you. To him, you are still his wife, pure and untainted by some other man since you said "I do" So yes, it will be harder for you. In order for there to be reconciliation, you have to learn to trust. He doesn't because he is not the one that was betrayed. You were. 3
Snowflower Posted May 10, 2012 Posted May 10, 2012 In my situation, it's seems to be a lot harder to attempt to reconcile. For my WS, he wants to put it behind us, and he does seem remorseful not only in words but also by his actions. Sometimes I wish the roles were reversed. Yes, obviously it is harder for the BS. Just like it is harder to be the dumpee than the dumper at the end of a relationship. Rejection/betrayal is always more difficult on the victim.
Author Furious Posted May 10, 2012 Author Posted May 10, 2012 I have asked my husband to move out...he refuses to go. I consider us separated...he wants a second chance. I know whether we reconcile or divorce, the pain, hurt, loss of trust, the man I once loved and respected is forever gone. Reconciling is Mount Everest, and for me at this point, an impossible climb.
beenburned Posted May 10, 2012 Posted May 10, 2012 It is definately harder for the BS to try and reconcile! My FWS once told me if the roles had been reversed, he would have definately divorced me. He said "nobody cheats on me" and gets away with it! 96nole, Great post!
xxoo Posted May 10, 2012 Posted May 10, 2012 I have asked my husband to move out...he refuses to go. I consider us separated...he wants a second chance. I know whether we reconcile or divorce, the pain, hurt, loss of trust, the man I once loved and respected is forever gone. Reconciling is Mount Everest, and for me at this point, an impossible climb. What has he done to deserve a second chance? Of course he wants to put it behind you. He doesn't want consequences for his actions. Where is his empathy? Ask him how quickly he would be able to put it all behind him if you had been the cheater.
xxoo Posted May 10, 2012 Posted May 10, 2012 My FWS once told me if the roles had been reversed, he would have definately divorced me. He said "nobody cheats on me" and gets away with it! I hope he treats you better than precious gold itself for forgiving him..... 1
ISurvived Posted May 10, 2012 Posted May 10, 2012 I have asked my husband to move out...he refuses to go. I consider us separated...he wants a second chance. I know whether we reconcile or divorce, the pain, hurt, loss of trust, the man I once loved and respected is forever gone. Reconciling is Mount Everest, and for me at this point, an impossible climb. If you truly want him out, there are legal remedies. Is it possible for you to leave? Are you in IC? Are you all in MC?
TigerCub Posted May 10, 2012 Posted May 10, 2012 It is definately harder for the BS to try and reconcile! My FWS once told me if the roles had been reversed, he would have definately divorced me. He said "nobody cheats on me" and gets away with it! 96nole, Great post! WOW, what an entitled ass! I'm sorry, but he's entitled to a loyal partner, love and respect, but he can't give the same back?! 1
Steen719 Posted May 10, 2012 Posted May 10, 2012 My FWS once told me if the roles had been reversed, he would have definately divorced me. He said "nobody cheats on me" and gets away with it! Oh, me too! My XH said the same thing to me...."I would have been gone the first time", but he still found a way to blame me! Rich, right?
Author Furious Posted May 10, 2012 Author Posted May 10, 2012 What has he done to deserve a second chance? Of course he wants to put it behind you. He doesn't want consequences for his actions. Where is his empathy? Ask him how quickly he would be able to put it all behind him if you had been the cheater. The last few months, he has said and done what many BS's who want to save their marriages would wish for. But for me, I feel like it's too little too late. I am so angry...he played with matches and burned the house down and I get the equal burden of rebuilding even though I wasn't the one who set the house on fire. I hate sounding like a whiner...that's not me. I know that in every marriage, at one point or another is vulnerable, whether we know it or not. I am more than willing to own up to any problems I may have caused in our marriage but I will never forgive his affair.
PegNosePete Posted May 10, 2012 Posted May 10, 2012 Ask him how quickly he would be able to put it all behind him if you had been the cheater. No, don't ask him that. He will reply "oh, about a month". What will you say then? OP it sounds like you don't want to reconcile your marriage. So, you need to file for divorce. Don't let him talk bullshlt at you, just do it. 1
Snowflower Posted May 10, 2012 Posted May 10, 2012 Where is his empathy? Ask him how quickly he would be able to put it all behind him if you had been the cheater. This type of question doesn't usually work with cheaters and it is lost on them. Thing is, many cheaters don't have empathy at least at that juncture. From what I have read here and from what my WH has said...asking a WS that question, "how would you have felt if I had done what you did?" It just doesn't compute with most WS. They just don't get it. They are so selfish and self-absorbed during their affair (and often, for a time afterward) that they can't empathize. Otherwise, if they had been able to feel empathy, they wouldn't have been able to cheat. IMO, a WS has to first remove all empathy and compassion from their mindset/psyche in order to go forward with the affair. Scary stuff, indeed. In fact, some WS would use a statement like that as justification for their own actions. They say things like, "well, I wouldn't have cared." Or, "I could understand why you would have thought about cheating because of XYZ" blah, blah, blah This is an unpopular tangent but I can understand why a BS sometimes decides to have an RA...so that they can make their WS feel the pain of betrayal. It usually backfires because the WS is so self-absorbed in their own cr*p that again, it doesn't compute and makes the situation worse but I can understand (but don't condone). 2
findingnemo Posted May 10, 2012 Posted May 10, 2012 You sound so sad, Furious. What happens when you ask him to move out? Do want to a trial separation? It doesn't sound like you are very sure about D. Perhaps you just want some space for a while? I'm sorry to say this...but in my view there's really only one way to R when you're the BS. You simply determine that the M will survive and that regardless of your feelings there will be no D. This doesn't mean you have to pretend to be in love or to trust when you two are alone. The fact is that it takes forever to learn to trust again. I believe so because by the time I left my H (a year and a half after the A drama), I still hadn't gotten over them. I'm not even sure anybody can get over it 100%. Reconciling to me doesn't mean trying to get back to where you were before. That's a fantasy. I have heard of some getting to an even better place and others just staying stuck in distrust and disappointment. I know many who stayed but have no expectations of fidelity. They stayed for other reasons.
96nole Posted May 10, 2012 Posted May 10, 2012 The last few months, he has said and done what many BS's who want to save their marriages would wish for. But for me, I feel like it's too little too late. I am so angry...he played with matches and burned the house down and I get the equal burden of rebuilding even though I wasn't the one who set the house on fire. I hate sounding like a whiner...that's not me. I know that in every marriage, at one point or another is vulnerable, whether we know it or not. I am more than willing to own up to any problems I may have caused in our marriage but I will never forgive his affair. You're not sounding like a whiner. You're hurt and pissed off and needing to vent. Let it out. I am so angry...he played with matches and burned the house down and I get the equal burden of rebuilding even though I wasn't the one who set the house on fire. That's a great analogy. It's so true. The BS is the innocent victim that's stuck with the lions share of the work left to do. How long has it been now since DDay? Are you two in separate bedrooms? Are things getting any better between you two?
Sadwife37 Posted May 10, 2012 Posted May 10, 2012 I found out about my H A 6 months ago. I believe 100% that the easier option would have been to end the marriage and walk away. Trying to forgive and move past the betrayal and learn to trust, love and respect your spouse again is such a huge hurdle. I am choosing to try this because of my family. I want my children to have a happy family that isn't broken by their father's horrible selfish act. He is showing remorse and regret and takes full responsibility for his actions. He says he loves me and will do anything to save our marriage. At this point I don't know that I can do it. I am struggling with the grief everyday. I want to trust again and believe we can be happy. I feel for what you are going through and know the pain involved. I hope you find happiness again. I am sure you are shocked by the strength you never knew you had. Good luck! I hope your spouse turns out to be worth the struggle.
xxoo Posted May 10, 2012 Posted May 10, 2012 They just don't get it. They are so selfish and self-absorbed during their affair (and often, for a time afterward) that they can't empathize. Otherwise, if they had been able to feel empathy, they wouldn't have been able to cheat. IMO, a WS has to first remove all empathy and compassion from their mindset/psyche in order to go forward with the affair. Scary stuff, indeed. In fact, some WS would use a statement like that as justification for their own actions. They say things like, "well, I wouldn't have cared." Or, "I could understand why you would have thought about cheating because of XYZ" blah, blah, blah The affair is made possible by lack of empathy. I can understand that. But is reconciliation possible without it?
96nole Posted May 10, 2012 Posted May 10, 2012 Thing is, many cheaters don't have empathy at least at that juncture. From what I have read here and from what my WH has said...asking a WS that question, "how would you have felt if I had done what you did?" It just doesn't compute with most WS. They just don't get it. They are so selfish and self-absorbed during their affair (and often, for a time afterward) that they can't empathize. Otherwise, if they had been able to feel empathy, they wouldn't have been able to cheat. IMO, a WS has to first remove all empathy and compassion from their mindset/psyche in order to go forward with the affair. Scary stuff, indeed. I agree 100%. When I asked my STBXW (in this case the W stands for Whore) that question, she didn't really give an answer. She was so disconnected that idea of me screwing some other woman didn't compute in her head.
Author Furious Posted May 10, 2012 Author Posted May 10, 2012 You're not sounding like a whiner. You're hurt and pissed off and needing to vent. Let it out. That's a great analogy. It's so true. The BS is the innocent victim that's stuck with the lions share of the work left to do. How long has it been now since DDay? Are you two in separate bedrooms? Are things getting any better between you two? Eight Months ago I was clearing out the basement closest and putting aside some clothes to give away, I found a receipt in my husband's jacket for a ladies designer handbag, the receipt was from the city my husband traveled to frequently on business. I just knew what it meant, and I slid to floor. I don't remember how long I sat there with that stupid reciept in my hand. I did not confront him...i had no other proof...his cell phone was a company phone, I had no access to the data...his laptop same deal. For days I tried to act as normal as possible even though I felt like death inside. Things started to make sense to me...the way he seemed to start some argument just before his business trips. The way he was home but not home...him spending less time with the kids...moodier...complaining about how stressed he was at work. I hired a PI...and he subcontracted another PI in the city my husband did business in. A week later my husband left on his business trip and within days I had solid proof...pictures of them together...her identity from her lisence plate. D-day was the night he came home. For months he trickled truthed, I had proof, but not the details. I kicked him out. He was gone 6weeks. Finally when he confessed every single bit of truth and after 6 sessions of MC he moved back home. Things have been up and down since...but lately I feel like I've hit a brick wall....am so tired... I think I just need space right now.
PegNosePete Posted May 10, 2012 Posted May 10, 2012 OK, so what consequences is he seeing from his actions? Does he ever see this person any more? Does he allow you to see his phone and laptop whenever you want? It sounds like he is the typical "sorry he got caught not sorry he did it" type. 1
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