Waiting for His Decision

May 10, 2012

Current update from my situation.

I dont know if its getting worse or better.

Last time i said that i wanted to meet him for the last time.

Last meeting to say goodbye for once and for all.

And i did it.

Its not very hard actually, to meet him and say goodbye.

Like i said, i really like MM, but i dont love him in that way.

I cant imagine having a serious long term relationship with him.

The age difference, the drama, no, i couldnt stand it.

I just enjoy his company, his attention, but get addicted to it.

This addiction actually makes everything worse.

Because without it, i will just move on with my life like nothing happened.

As a background story, my MM is my coworker too.

He is the owner's son, so i have to be really careful about ending things with him.

I cant just tell him the truth that i dont love him and the A should end.

No, i have to do it gently, so no hard feeling left.

I know it was crazy for me to get involve with him, but it happened.

I did my mistake, now im trying to fix it.

So i met him, but instead of saying that i dont love him and told him the truth, i played the part of being miserable OW.

Told him stuff like i deserved so much better from him.

I wanted more, but he couldn't gave me.

It hurts me to think that everyday he says he loves me, he misses me,

but do nothing about it.

What kind of love is that?

If you love someone, than u have to act upon it.

And its not like im lying to him about things above.

Even though i dont love him, i really care about this man.

So sometimes i feel like that too, but i know my position.

Im not his priority, its just an A, and i cant expect him to be with me all the time. I realize that, and i keep the miserable feeling all to myself, try to bury it.

And during the conversation, when i poured all my heart out,

he just went silent.

And finally with the tears in his eyes, he told me that he loves me,

and its not fair for me to go through all that hell.

Its his final word, because after that i had to go.

In my head, i think he got the message clearly, and finally let me go,

But how wrong i was.

Next day after that, he called me, said that he was in front of my house with his little girl.

Yes, he brought his daughter, because he said that his wife went out with her friend, and he desperately wanted to see me, but he cant just left his daughter alone at home, so he brought her also.

I know his daughter, i've met her 3 times, and the kid likes me very much and i love her too.

At first i wanted to say go away, but then i thought about this little girl, and i didnt have the heart to reject her.

So i open my door.

His little girl wanted us to go to the beach. So we went there. Play with the water all day, had an amazing breakfast and lunch. It was just wonderful.. Its the time of my life i guess. One of the sweetest moment.

After that we went home..

And that night, he called, said that he had a big fight with his wife.

He told her about our little vacation to the beach with his daughter, he told her that it was with me, but ofcourse left the detail that im his OW.

I believe that he told W about that not because he wanted to come clean about the A, but rather because he feels sooner or later W will find out from the daughter, so its better him that told the story first, so it wont raise any suspicion.

But as any normal woman, especially W after 1st dday,

(W discovered a text from me, went mad, and told him to call me to end things, and he did call, but after that quickly apologized and resume the A with me. But W didnt know that it was ME, her husband coworker that has been his OW all this time. She suspects anyone else, a stranger from her husband traveling work)

she just knew something was off. So she started to yell and accused that MM has something with me.

MM wont admit that, but W insisted that its not normal that a MM asked a single girl, and even brought the daughter to spend time in beach just the 3 of them.

His W then got depressed because of it, and finally gave MM ultimatum.

She told him to choose, stay with the family or leave.

But if he chooses to leave, then he will loss her daughter for sure, she will do anything to prevent him to see the daughter.

MM told me about all of this today in office.

And i was like "all of that, is it even true? its a typical story comes from MM mouth"

But then he showed me all the email from his wife this morning.

The text, the bbm, every conversation that he had with his wife from that night to this morning.

And it clearly shows that everything he says is true..

Now, he has to make a decision.

He says that he loves me so much. He cant live without me,

but he loves his daughter too..

Thats why its all so difficult for him to decide.

And now, im trapped.

I dont even love this man, and i do this to his family.

I ruin the family, i cause so much pain to his W, and all of that for what?

for nothing..

I dont know what would happen if he chooses me,

but i guess i have to take the responsibility,

i ruin his life, now i have to bear the consequences to have him in my life.

I just hope that he would come to his sense, and choose his family.

I cant interfere in this situation, push him away, no..

i told him earlier that i wanted more, so now i just sit here..

Waiting for him to make up his mind.

Part of me wants him to choose me, because i do care about this man..

But part of me wants him to choose his family, this is actually the common sense part of me, because i cant have a life with this man.

If he chooses his family, surely i will be broken heart. But then, i will get over it and go on with my life.

But if he chooses to be with me, than i will forever trapped in the arm of cheating husband.

Argh, its all so devastating.

Im sorry for the long post.

I really need to get this out from my system..

May 10, 2012

Maybe, if you truly loved the OM, I could feel some sympathy for your situation, but this is beyond cruel. Please stop playing these games...his wife is a real person and not some cardboard cut- up, her child should not be a pawn in this sick game you're playing. Your MM has some serious issues, how can he claim to love his child and then involve her in his affair.

May 10, 2012

And now, im trapped.
I dont even love this man, and i do this to his family.
I ruin the family, i cause so much pain to his W, and all of that for what?
for nothing..

I dont know what would happen if he chooses me,
but i guess i have to take the responsibility,
i ruin his life, now i have to bear the consequences to have him in my life.

I just hope that he would come to his sense, and choose his family.
I cant interfere in this situation, push him away, no..
i told him earlier that i wanted more, so now i just sit here..
Waiting for him to make up his mind.

Part of me wants him to choose me, because i do care about this man..
But part of me wants him to choose his family, this is actually the common sense part of me, because i cant have a life with this man.

If he chooses his family, surely i will be broken heart. But then, i will get over it and go on with my life.
But if he chooses to be with me, than i will forever trapped in the arm of cheating husband.

This MM sounds horrible, involving his young daughter in his infidelity - let's hope that child never discovers the truth. But you are not trapped. The choice is yours as to whether to continue with this man or not. You could find the strength to break it off, get into therapy to deal with all the guilt and shame that comes through in your post, and start on the path that will lead you to a happier life.

May 10, 2012

I'm with the other posters. He should never have brought his child to you and this---you didn't want to reject her. Huh. How is you telling him that you don't want to see him a rejection of her? Why would that even cross your mind?

You may care about him but from your own fingertips you don't love him. WTF are you doing? If you loved him and he made a choice for you fair enough. Now you're sitting there knowing full well you'll probably dump him 5 minutes after he leaves. I can't see the logic or caring in that at all. I don't even care if he gets hurt but what will the fallout be for his family?

It feels like you're playing a game of getting him just because you can. Grow up, you're not a kid.

May 10, 2012

LOL. Romeo ain't leaving. He's just testing his limits before he does what 99% of these cheating sleazebags do - go running back to the wife when she gives him an ultiimatum.
I do agree with you that he probably won't but even if he does she's just letting him go merrily on his way without a clue---that was my point.

The OP is already stating that ridiculous excuse they all use - that the wife will 'take their kids away from them if they leave.' And her MM used the same lame excuse. These married men must have a "Liars' Guide to Cheating" handbook they all quote from.

Apparently, most OW don't understand even the simplest concepts of the LAW (in the US, anyway) which doesn't ALLOW for wives to pack up the kids and shuffle off to Buffalo because they're 'angry' or 'bitter.' And they can't take the kid and leave the house every time it's daddy's time to pick up Junior for the weekend without having to answer to a COURT for doing it. But I think OW believing that garbage - that the wife will make it 'impossible' for the cheating jerk to see his kids, helps them get through the lonely night.
From what I see most OW writing on here it's not a matter of the Mrs packing them up and taking them off to parts unknown. It's the idea they do not want to miss physically living in the same home and all that entails. If anyone says that's a bogus reason then may I point to the many BS who use the kids having a normal family life as part of their reason to stay? If it's considered a good reason for the BS why is it merely a flimsy excuse for a WS?

My responses in bold. I'm not going to go any further OT in further discussion. I think what's there is ok but don't want to push it. Happy to respond in a different thread.

May 10, 2012

OP if you aren't in love with this man why would he have to make a choice? Can't you tell him you aren't in love with him, just wanted some attention, and that he should stay with his family? Can't you just move on with your life and find attention from a man who is single and perhaps fall in love with him? I don't see your problem here, just say NO.

Oh, and BTW the daughter told her mom how she spent her day, that's why MM had to tell his wife the truth. He didn't volunteer it.

Edited May 10, 2012 by stillafool

May 10, 2012

oyi....

ok, 1st of all -

The wife can't take his kid away from him FOREVER and make it so that he can't see his kids.

There are laws and rights that protect parents - even ****ty and abusive parents get more than they deserve when it comes to access to their kids.

2nd -

if you don't love this guy, stop being another angle in this whole mess.

What are you getting out of this.

You're acting like you simply can't say "You know what, you have too much to lose, I don't want to be the one that makes you lose it - go, try to work things out with your wife, and be there for your daughter. Goodbye and good luck"

that way, you're still backing out, but acting like the bigger person here.

I really can't understand why you're doing all this, if you say that you don't love this man or see a future with him.

oh and for what its worth - I doubt that he'll actually leave the wife - he'll just feed you bull****, act all torn and tormented by his "noble" act to be there for his daughter and try to just keep the A going without W knowing.

Please do the right thing and get out since you don't even really want him.

May 10, 2012

Well, no matter validated this makes you feel, its not likely to end well for anyone.

I would personally walk and quit the job.

You won't though.

I guess we'll all just sit back and wait for this train to crash.

Good luck, you just may end up unemployed, ostracized and single.

May 10, 2012

Current update from my situation.

I dont know if its getting worse or better.

Last time i said that i wanted to meet him for the last time.
Last meeting to say goodbye for once and for all.
And i did it.
Its not very hard actually, to meet him and say goodbye.
Like i said, i really like MM, but i dont love him in that way.
I cant imagine having a serious long term relationship with him.
The age difference, the drama, no, i couldnt stand it.
I just enjoy his company, his attention, but get addicted to it.
This addiction actually makes everything worse.
Because without it, i will just move on with my life like nothing happened.

As a background story, my MM is my coworker too.
He is the owner's son, so i have to be really careful about ending things with him.
I cant just tell him the truth that i dont love him and the A should end.
No, i have to do it gently, so no hard feeling left.
I know it was crazy for me to get involve with him, but it happened.
I did my mistake, now im trying to fix it.

So i met him, but instead of saying that i dont love him and told him the truth, i played the part of being miserable OW.
Told him stuff like i deserved so much better from him.
I wanted more, but he couldn't gave me.
It hurts me to think that everyday he says he loves me, he misses me,
but do nothing about it.
What kind of love is that?
If you love someone, than u have to act upon it.

And its not like im lying to him about things above.
Even though i dont love him, i really care about this man.
So sometimes i feel like that too, but i know my position.
Im not his priority, its just an A, and i cant expect him to be with me all the time. I realize that, and i keep the miserable feeling all to myself, try to bury it.

And during the conversation, when i poured all my heart out,
he just went silent.
And finally with the tears in his eyes, he told me that he loves me,
and its not fair for me to go through all that hell.
Its his final word, because after that i had to go.
In my head, i think he got the message clearly, and finally let me go,

But how wrong i was.
Next day after that, he called me, said that he was in front of my house with his little girl.
Yes, he brought his daughter, because he said that his wife went out with her friend, and he desperately wanted to see me, but he cant just left his daughter alone at home, so he brought her also.
I know his daughter, i've met her 3 times, and the kid likes me very much and i love her too.
At first i wanted to say go away, but then i thought about this little girl, and i didnt have the heart to reject her.
So i open my door.

His little girl wanted us to go to the beach. So we went there. Play with the water all day, had an amazing breakfast and lunch. It was just wonderful.. Its the time of my life i guess. One of the sweetest moment.

After that we went home..
And that night, he called, said that he had a big fight with his wife.
He told her about our little vacation to the beach with his daughter, he told her that it was with me, but ofcourse left the detail that im his OW.
I believe that he told W about that not because he wanted to come clean about the A, but rather because he feels sooner or later W will find out from the daughter, so its better him that told the story first, so it wont raise any suspicion.

But as any normal woman, especially W after 1st dday,
(W discovered a text from me, went mad, and told him to call me to end things, and he did call, but after that quickly apologized and resume the A with me. But W didnt know that it was ME, her husband coworker that has been his OW all this time. She suspects anyone else, a stranger from her husband traveling work)
she just knew something was off. So she started to yell and accused that MM has something with me.
MM wont admit that, but W insisted that its not normal that a MM asked a single girl, and even brought the daughter to spend time in beach just the 3 of them.

His W then got depressed because of it, and finally gave MM ultimatum.
She told him to choose, stay with the family or leave.
But if he chooses to leave, then he will loss her daughter for sure, she will do anything to prevent him to see the daughter.

MM told me about all of this today in office.
And i was like "all of that, is it even true? its a typical story comes from MM mouth"
But then he showed me all the email from his wife this morning.
The text, the bbm, every conversation that he had with his wife from that night to this morning.
And it clearly shows that everything he says is true..

Now, he has to make a decision.
He says that he loves me so much. He cant live without me,
but he loves his daughter too..
Thats why its all so difficult for him to decide.

And now, im trapped.
I dont even love this man, and i do this to his family.
I ruin the family, i cause so much pain to his W, and all of that for what?
for nothing..

I dont know what would happen if he chooses me,
but i guess i have to take the responsibility,
i ruin his life, now i have to bear the consequences to have him in my life.

I just hope that he would come to his sense, and choose his family.
I cant interfere in this situation, push him away, no..
i told him earlier that i wanted more, so now i just sit here..
Waiting for him to make up his mind.

Part of me wants him to choose me, because i do care about this man..
But part of me wants him to choose his family, this is actually the common sense part of me, because i cant have a life with this man.

If he chooses his family, surely i will be broken heart. But then, i will get over it and go on with my life.
But if he chooses to be with me, than i will forever trapped in the arm of cheating husband.

Argh, its all so devastating.
Im sorry for the long post.
I really need to get this out from my system..

LL - he needs to figure out what he wants for his life absense of having a woman in it. Whether or not he divorces does not mean that you and he would be together. If you don't want a relationship with him, then this is a good time to just bow out. I would just be honest, tell him you need to let him go and then let him go.

Now whether or not his wife can prevent him from seeing his daughter is just bs. There are laws in place to prevent that and even having had an affair, no state would rule in that manner. So the fear of losing his daughter is a groundless scare tactic. Anything done in that manner would also be considered parental alienation and there are laws against that.

But what do you want right now? Do you want to continue a relationship with him? I think it would have been better for you to have been honest wth him prior instead of trying to tell him what you think he wanted to hear to extract yourself. So now I would tell him what you want.

May 11, 2012

Agree with everything Hockyfan said. It seems like a game to you. From the get-go, you maintained that you didn't "love" him, and didn't desire a long-term relationship with him. Then, under the guise of trying to "end" it, you decided to use reverse psychology and make him "think" that you were the typical OW who wanted more but who was sure that he couldn't give it to you. Now that he bought your OW story, you're concerned that he might actually choose you! (Even though, secretly, I think you've wanted that all along, although you've yet to admit it).

Your story contradicts itself all over the place. One minute, you love being with him but don't "love" him. The next minute you're agonizing over his "decision". Your comment of "I don't even love this man" becomes completely unbelievable when you describe the ecstasy of spending an intimate day with him and his daughter. The fact is that you DO love this man, and are afraid to say it out loud. All of your protestations about not loving him, realizing it's just an affair, etc., etc. begin to fall on deaf ears after a while. In my opinion, you DO love this man, and you DO wish that he were your own. You just can't say it. If you didn't want to be with this man, you would have never agreed to accompany him and his daughter on this "date", after you supposedly tried to end it with him. I mean, just admit it! Thats the first step. You are head-over-heels in love with this man. I'm sure I'm not the only one to recognize that.

May 11, 2012

He is the worst kind of cheating cake eater and you are the scariest kind of OW.

Do the right thing... Quit the job tomorrow and never communicate with him ever again.

Want decency and respect for yourself. It's easier to look in the mirror that way.

May 11, 2012

I feel you are playing games and it isn't right, moral or decent.

You have seen his kid 3 times and you love her? Aren't you being a bit dramatic?

I personally don't believe you have any desire to be truthful or honest with the cheater. You are enjoying playing with him. You act like "oh man I guess if he leaves her, I will just have to stay with him and suffer".

You are okay with a man who loves his child making a decision to walk away from living with his child ... and being with you - even tho you say you don't want him.

If you didn't want him, you would have stopped this a long time ago. When the boss finds out what you have done, you will probably be out of a job. As much as so many of us bag on the cheater, your actions have been horrific and I feel what you are doing fuels the fire of what society thinks of ow.

This reminds me of a guy just keeping a girl around, even though he doesn't love her, or have any plans to marry her - He keeps her around for his own ego, to make him feel good. The girl is TOTALLY in love with him, puts him first .. He knows this but doesn't feel the same towards her.. It's a total heart and cruel mind f.uck that messes people up badly.

It's just very intentional and mean to do to him, and you DO have a responsibility here. This man could very well give up EVERYTHING for you, all that he knows and loves and you're not 'in love' with him nor do you see him as your future husband. If you are not sure, TELL him. Don't play a game. This is someone's LIFE and FAMILY you're messing with. Think about that, please.

May 11, 2012

Thank you all for your honest opinion.

Yes, i feel really bad about my self.

And it really looks like im playing a game here,

but its not like that. Trust me.

I dont know how to explain it, but i do really care about this man.

I like him a lot, but love? i dont know, i dont think so..

We have too many age differences, and to be with him is like throwing my life out of the window. Too much drama, to much constant worries.

Building a future with this man is out of the table.

When i start to imagine it, i imagine the worst things out of it.

I would be a paranoid wife, always asking a question. I will never trust him. Im one of the people that believe once a cheater, always a cheater. He cheat with me, he will cheat on me.

And thats not a life that i picture for myself. I dont want to live that way.

Thats why i always say that i never want this man to be fully mine.

But my lack of courage and fear of him being mad if i say those things,

make me create a story. Story that is not entirely a lie, because i do feel like that sometimes.

Yeah i know i should've told him the truth. I know, but im too coward to do that.

And i feel so guilty causing him and his family this trouble.

I just dont want to be the one that blow the things off. I dont want to be the one that pull the plug. I want him to do that. And secretly hoping that he would do that and chooses his family over me.

And if that happens, i think i will be free.

The odds that he will choose me is very small. Its like what you all said, romeo aint leaving. So i think finally this would be end. He would choose his wife, automatically means the ending of the A, and i could move on with my life.

I know my way of handling this things is not wise, but its the only way i know and comfortable of.

Im really sorry if my poor choice in ending this doesn't suit with everyone's opinion.

I just hope the outcome of it will finally give a closure, for me, for MM and his wife.

Edited May 11, 2012 by LovelyLaura

May 11, 2012

Thank you all for your honest opinion.

Yes, i feel really bad about my self.
And it really looks like im playing a game here,
but its not like that. Trust me.
I dont know how to explain it, but i do really care about this man.
I like him a lot, but love? i dont know, i dont think so..
We have too many age differences, and to be with him is like throwing my life out of the window. Too much drama, to much constant worries.
Building a future with this man is out of the table.
When i start to imagine it, i imagine the worst things out of it.
I would be a paranoid wife, always asking a question. I will never trust him. Im one of the people that believe once a cheater, always a cheater. He cheat with me, he will cheat on me.
And thats not a life that i picture for myself. I dont want to live that way.
Thats why i always say that i never want this man to be fully mine.

But my lack of courage and fear of him being mad if i say those things,
make me create a story. Story that is not entirely a lie, because i do feel like that sometimes.

Yeah i know i should've told him the truth. I know, but im too coward to do that.
And i feel so guilty causing him and his family this trouble.

I just dont want to be the one that blow the things off. I dont want to be the one that pull the plug. I want him to do that. And secretly hoping that he would do that and chooses his family over me.

And if that happens, i think i will be free.
The odds that he will choose me is very small. Its like what you all said, romeo aint leaving. So i think finally this would be end. He would choose his wife, automatically means the ending of the A, and i could move on with my life.

I know my way of handling this things is not wise, but its the only way i know and comfortable of.
Im really sorry if my poor choice in ending this doesn't suit with everyone's opinion.
I just hope the outcome of it will finally give a closure, for me, for MM and his wife.

There have been past threads describing these type of feelings, but sorry, I don't recall the names and don't think they post here anymore. But a couple described staying with MM out of guilt but worrying about ending up with him permanently. I recall one case where MM divorced, him and former OW had been together for a year or so, and she was regretting the whole thing and felt guilt over participating in breaking up his family drove her too much to stay with him.

Myself, I ended things right around the time the divorce became final, when it finally hit me like a ton of bricks, did I really want to spend my life with this man who I knew exactly how he had treated his W. I was much younger too. It shouldn't have taken divorce papers to wake me up, but there is always a lot of drama that makes it easy not to focus on some really, really important things. Such as are you really living the life right now that you want to live, can you feel really good about yourself and, if not, what can you do to feel really good about yourself.

You have to figure out your own answers, but just waiting things out might not turn out that great. First, he might choose you, then what? Second, he could just try to keep the A going indefinitely, even if he has to lay low for a while and come back sneakier.

If you are going to have to do some soul-searching and work to let go of the guilt and feel at peace with yourself, I think it is better to start that as soon as possible, because it puts you that much closer to living a happy, authentic life, confident in your connections to and impact on others. I suggest putting yourself first and starting on that now rather than later. It actually is the kindest thing to do for everyone concerned, including MM.

Edited May 11, 2012 by woinlove

May 11, 2012

Thank you all for your honest opinion.

Yes, i feel really bad about my self.
And it really looks like im playing a game here,
but its not like that. Trust me.
I dont know how to explain it, but i do really care about this man.
I like him a lot, but love? i dont know, i dont think so..
We have too many age differences, and to be with him is like throwing my life out of the window. Too much drama, to much constant worries.
Building a future with this man is out of the table.
When i start to imagine it, i imagine the worst things out of it.
I would be a paranoid wife, always asking a question. I will never trust him. Im one of the people that believe once a cheater, always a cheater. He cheat with me, he will cheat on me.
And thats not a life that i picture for myself. I dont want to live that way.
Thats why i always say that i never want this man to be fully mine.

But my lack of courage and fear of him being mad if i say those things,
make me create a story. Story that is not entirely a lie, because i do feel like that sometimes.

Yeah i know i should've told him the truth. I know, but im too coward to do that.
And i feel so guilty causing him and his family this trouble.

I just dont want to be the one that blow the things off. I dont want to be the one that pull the plug. I want him to do that. And secretly hoping that he would do that and chooses his family over me.

And if that happens, i think i will be free.
The odds that he will choose me is very small. Its like what you all said, romeo aint leaving. So i think finally this would be end. He would choose his wife, automatically means the ending of the A, and i could move on with my life.

I know my way of handling this things is not wise, but its the only way i know and comfortable of.
Im really sorry if my poor choice in ending this doesn't suit with everyone's opinion.
I just hope the outcome of it will finally give a closure, for me, for MM and his wife.

Why are you abdicating your power and decisions for your life to another? Stop. This is your life and you do not want to be a passenger in it. If you don' twant to be with him then tell him and move on. You are speculating he might be mad? Maybe he will be relieved, maybe he will be sad, maybe he will be joyous!?! Right now it is speculation and assumption. Stop allowing fear to dictate what you should do and do what is best for you.

It's hard, I know, but it is better to be proactive than reactive.

May 11, 2012

I am sorry if this makes me seem like a bad person, but I was furious when I read this! You dont even love this damn man and you are playing games like this? Here I am destroyed that I cannot be with a man I KNOW I LOVE, here I am angry that he chooses to stay married and then I read this! No wonder people wonder if they should ever decide to leave their current situation or not, they dont know the truth behind the people they are involved with! To involve his daughter? That is just wrong on so many levels.

I judge myself for the things that I have done, but at least I love my MM I am not not just satisfying my own selfish need for attention when in the end it could ruin lives AND FOR WHAT???? You dont even want him!

I think I am just so angry because more than anything I want a life with my MM and here you are, ruining lives when you don't even love the man. It just seems so cruel and unnecessary.

Then again, who am I to judge anyone.

May 11, 2012

Thank you all for your honest opinion.

Yes, i feel really bad about my self.
And it really looks like im playing a game here,
but its not like that. Trust me.
I dont know how to explain it, but i do really care about this man.
I like him a lot, but love? i dont know, i dont think so..
We have too many age differences, and to be with him is like throwing my life out of the window. Too much drama, to much constant worries.
Building a future with this man is out of the table.
When i start to imagine it, i imagine the worst things out of it.
I would be a paranoid wife, always asking a question. I will never trust him. Im one of the people that believe once a cheater, always a cheater. He cheat with me, he will cheat on me.
And thats not a life that i picture for myself. I dont want to live that way.
Thats why i always say that i never want this man to be fully mine.

But my lack of courage and fear of him being mad if i say those things,
make me create a story. Story that is not entirely a lie, because i do feel like that sometimes.

Yeah i know i should've told him the truth. I know, but im too coward to do that.
And i feel so guilty causing him and his family this trouble.

I just dont want to be the one that blow the things off. I dont want to be the one that pull the plug. I want him to do that. And secretly hoping that he would do that and chooses his family over me.

And if that happens, i think i will be free.
The odds that he will choose me is very small. Its like what you all said, romeo aint leaving. So i think finally this would be end. He would choose his wife, automatically means the ending of the A, and i could move on with my life.

I know my way of handling this things is not wise, but its the only way i know and comfortable of.
Im really sorry if my poor choice in ending this doesn't suit with everyone's opinion.
I just hope the outcome of it will finally give a closure, for me, for MM and his wife.

Trust you? Did you type that?

You don't even trust yourself. And you contradict yourself with each sentence.

Then you just type the same nothingness each time - while doing nothing to clearUp this mess.

Take action - quit the job today. Never speak to him again! That is action!

May 11, 2012

The child wouldn't have been so anxious and happy about that "play date" had she known the truth about you. If she had known that you were the woman who was going to cause her family to break apart she wouldn't have been so happy to see you.

But that would have taken honesty for her to know that.

May 11, 2012

I am sorry if this makes me seem like a bad person, but I was furious when I read this! You dont even love this damn man and you are playing games like this? Here I am destroyed that I cannot be with a man I KNOW I LOVE, here I am angry that he chooses to stay married and then I read this! No wonder people wonder if they should ever decide to leave their current situation or not, they dont know the truth behind the people they are involved with! To involve his daughter? That is just wrong on so many levels.

I judge myself for the things that I have done, but at least I love my MM I am not not just satisfying my own selfish need for attention when in the end it could ruin lives AND FOR WHAT???? You dont even want him!

I think I am just so angry because more than anything I want a life with my MM and here you are, ruining lives when you don't even love the man. It just seems so cruel and unnecessary.

Then again, who am I to judge anyone.

I'm sorry this brings out such negative emotions for you.

I think it is useful to understand that different people have different capacities for love. The OP has said she loves the MM and, right now at this time, that may be all the love she has to give. I said I loved MM at the time too and I meant it then, but I later learned that my capacity for love was severely stunted - I learned that by being loved better, learning to love more, and in particular, learning to really love myself. As we see in many threads, some MM say they love and yet their actions often say something different. Getting involved with a committed person is such a complex choice, that it is not surprising there will be different circumstances and not everyone will feel the same. It doesn't mean the OP doesn't hurt too and the pain to the betrayed doesn't hinge on how much love the AP has.

I really don't think expressing love should be a measure for whether someone is cruel or behaving poorly. The actions are much more important.

Edited May 11, 2012 by woinlove

May 11, 2012

I agree......as I said.........my emotions are raw. My own situation with my MM has left me broken, hurt and completely devastated. All I could read was here was a man trying hard to hang onto his OW and even went so far as to tell his W and for what? A woman who didn't really love him nor did she want to be with him. What I wouldnt give for my MM to want to be with me and to tell his wife. No doubt I was seeing things through my own pain. Hence why I commented that I am not one who should judge anyone.

May 11, 2012

I agree......as I said.........my emotions are raw. My own situation with my MM has left me broken, hurt and completely devastated. All I could read was here was a man trying hard to hang onto his OW and even went so far as to tell his W and for what? A woman who didn't really love him nor did she want to be with him. What I wouldnt give for my MM to want to be with me and to tell his wife. No doubt I was seeing things through my own pain. Hence why I commented that I am not one who should judge anyone.

He should be divorcing becuae is what he wants to do, end the marriage. It should be separate from whether or not there is someone else in the picture. So whether or not the OP is there for him afterwards is really not her problem nor should she be a safety net for him.

Telling one's wife that there is someone else is a cop out way to end the marriage. It puts all the eggs in the other person's basket and they become the cause, the result, the salvation, and the destroyer all wrapped up in one! God that is too much pressure.

I left my marriage while I was in my affair, I did not leave for my affair partner. I left because the marriage no longer was a relationship I wanted to be in and I felt I had done my due diligence to give it a fair shot. Whether or not my Ap was in the picture was independent of it and I have never once regretted leaving the marriage.

I am sure if I left for my AP then I would be quite upset on every fight or break up and would be clinging to keep any relationship going. That is not a healthy way to be and would have been easier to have just stayed in the marriage.

I do not agree that because she doesn't love him makes her worst than others. I don't understand what love has to do with it? It sure doesn't lessen the impact usually when individuals are railing against affairs saying "at least they love(d) each other" so I am surprised at the vehement reactions because there isn't love in play.

May 11, 2012

Laura if you feel you cannot be entirely honest with him because of the context, you can at least tell him you do not want to be responsible for breaking up his family. That will allow him an "out" where he can feel that he is doing the responsible thing should he choose to remain with them, or if he chooses to divorce, it at least absolves you of any need to play any further role in the situation.

Right now you are setting yourself up to be trapped in a situation you do not want, if he chooses you, or for feeling rejected, if he does not. I agree with other members who have suggested that you take your own agency and remove yourself from the decision. Even if you cannot be completely honest about not loving him or not wanting to be with him full-time. At least if you act and choose to step away in that way you are not a victim of someone else's choosing and doomed to unhappiness whichever way the choice turns out.

May 12, 2012

Laura if you feel you cannot be entirely honest with him because of the context, you can at least tell him you do not want to be responsible for breaking up his family. That will allow him an "out" where he can feel that he is doing the responsible thing should he choose to remain with them, or if he chooses to divorce, it at least absolves you of any need to play any further role in the situation.

Right now you are setting yourself up to be trapped in a situation you do not want, if he chooses you, or for feeling rejected, if he does not. I agree with other members who have suggested that you take your own agency and remove yourself from the decision. Even if you cannot be completely honest about not loving him or not wanting to be with him full-time. At least if you act and choose to step away in that way you are not a victim of someone else's choosing and doomed to unhappiness whichever way the choice turns out.

That's what I would have written if I were a better writer. I hadn't thought about what you've written in the last paragraph but it is so true. I really hope the OP takes action and ends things in whatever way she chooses.

May 12, 2012

OP, I think you just want attention and this older man provides that for you. When I was your age I was so busy dating men my age and going out with my friends I would never have time, or interest in dating some old married man. I have to wonder are you pursued by men your own age? Do you get asked out on dates by men your own age and do you go out with your friends and do age appropriate things? If not, could this be the reason you let this sick relationship continue on with this man because you are in desperate need for a man's attention? You yourself said you were not in love with him so what other reason would you allow yourself to hurt a family. I think your first step should be to get counseling as to why you need so much attention that you would accept it from anyone.

May 12, 2012

I think first step is quit the job. Stop communicating with the MM.

And yes set up a counseling appointment.

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