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Posted

Hi, I'm new here and I've never posted anything on an online forum before. I've spent the last few days Googling for answers in an attempt to make some sense out of the last week of my life, and I thought this might be a good outlet for what I'm going through. Perhaps someone has had a similar experience that they can share, and possibly provide a little flicker of hope.

 

First I want to say that I've never quite felt a pain like this. Then again, I've usually been the one to end relationships in my life. I've had some very meaningful relationships, a few long term, but I never quite felt right about any of them for a variety of reasons. That is, until - let's call him Bob - came along.

 

Bob had me from the start. We met last September and had a whirlwind romance. He was a true gentleman with a great sense of humor. Very thoughtful, smart, handy, attractive, affectionate - the whole nine yards. Bob is a simple man, but that's what drew me to him. He's in his early 30's, never married, no children. He said he was looking to meet someone to settle down with and have a family with. He's had a handful of serious relationships in his life, but just hasn't met the one. His family is great, his parents are still together (although a little overbearing), and he really just seemed like a regular guy. At any rate, I fell for him. Fast. And I'm not the type to just throw my heart around by any means. This just felt different. It felt right.

 

After dating for only three months, this past December, Bob proposed to me. A big proposal that would make any girl's jaw drop right open. Yes, I know. That's awfully soon. But this just felt right! I felt I had met the one! I was about to turn 30. I had dated many people and I knew exactly what I wanted, and this was it. Sure, it was a risk. But sometimes, you just know.

 

Well, I moved into Bob's house in January. Things were great! He always said how much he loved me being there. I put my condo on the market (luckily it hasn't sold). We really just had a wonderful life together. He suggested getting married this year, so we've been all excited and making plans. His family has been thrilled about it, too. We just seemed to flow naturally, effortlessly. We had so much fun being with each other...

 

...And then last Thursday morning, he woke up and said he was all mixed up. And by Thursday evening, he had decided that he doesn't want to get married. He doesn't think he wants to share his life with anyone. He's used to being single, and he feels like marriage is going to lock him in. He feels trapped.

 

I called the movers and had myself back at the condo the next day. I've tried to explain to him that if he needs more time, we can postpone the wedding. We can call off the engagement and take things slower! He's just all locked up and says he didn't know what he was doing when he proposed, and that he doesn't want to give up his old life. He says he needs to see a counselor.

 

He did say that he wants to be with me and nobody else, that he loves me, but that he doesn't want to lock himself in. He would like to just date me if I have it in me to do that. I explained to him that I would be more than happy to date him still, but eventually, down the road, I want more than that. I don't just want to go to the movies on a Saturday night forever and ever. He said he's sorry and that he needs help. He said he wants to have kids one day, and he's not getting any younger, so he rushed it, and it's too much for him. He said he'll check in with me to let me know how his counseling is going.

 

So here I am. Waiting. Wondering. Hoping and praying that this is just a case of cold feet and that we can salvage this and make this work. I love him and I want to be with him. This is just so confusing to me because everything literally seemed wonderful. I always told him to go hang with his buddies or do whatever he wanted. I don't know how he feels trapped.

 

Any insight would be appreciated. Is this commitment phobia? I do know that he's a people pleaser as well, from issues in his childhood. Could he have just been pretending to be so happy all the time? How could everything have been so fake? The night before the freak out, he told me that I was his soulmate....

 

Lost and confused.

Posted

People say alot of things in the honeymoon stage--he jumped in way too soon; you didn't have long enough to get to know each other. I think all that hoo haa about getting counseling is BS. Glad you are still in your condo; too many big steps in too short of a time.

  • Like 1
Posted
Hi, I'm new here and I've never posted anything on an online forum before. I've spent the last few days Googling for answers in an attempt to make some sense out of the last week of my life, and I thought this might be a good outlet for what I'm going through. Perhaps someone has had a similar experience that they can share, and possibly provide a little flicker of hope.

 

First I want to say that I've never quite felt a pain like this. Then again, I've usually been the one to end relationships in my life. I've had some very meaningful relationships, a few long term, but I never quite felt right about any of them for a variety of reasons. That is, until - let's call him Bob - came along.

 

Bob had me from the start. We met last September and had a whirlwind romance. He was a true gentleman with a great sense of humor. Very thoughtful, smart, handy, attractive, affectionate - the whole nine yards. Bob is a simple man, but that's what drew me to him. He's in his early 30's, never married, no children. He said he was looking to meet someone to settle down with and have a family with. He's had a handful of serious relationships in his life, but just hasn't met the one. His family is great, his parents are still together (although a little overbearing), and he really just seemed like a regular guy. At any rate, I fell for him. Fast. And I'm not the type to just throw my heart around by any means. This just felt different. It felt right.

 

After dating for only three months, this past December, Bob proposed to me. A big proposal that would make any girl's jaw drop right open. Yes, I know. That's awfully soon. But this just felt right! I felt I had met the one! I was about to turn 30. I had dated many people and I knew exactly what I wanted, and this was it. Sure, it was a risk. But sometimes, you just know.

 

Well, I moved into Bob's house in January. Things were great! He always said how much he loved me being there. I put my condo on the market (luckily it hasn't sold). We really just had a wonderful life together. He suggested getting married this year, so we've been all excited and making plans. His family has been thrilled about it, too. We just seemed to flow naturally, effortlessly. We had so much fun being with each other...

 

...And then last Thursday morning, he woke up and said he was all mixed up. And by Thursday evening, he had decided that he doesn't want to get married. He doesn't think he wants to share his life with anyone. He's used to being single, and he feels like marriage is going to lock him in. He feels trapped.

 

I called the movers and had myself back at the condo the next day. I've tried to explain to him that if he needs more time, we can postpone the wedding. We can call off the engagement and take things slower! He's just all locked up and says he didn't know what he was doing when he proposed, and that he doesn't want to give up his old life. He says he needs to see a counselor.

 

He did say that he wants to be with me and nobody else, that he loves me, but that he doesn't want to lock himself in. He would like to just date me if I have it in me to do that. I explained to him that I would be more than happy to date him still, but eventually, down the road, I want more than that. I don't just want to go to the movies on a Saturday night forever and ever. He said he's sorry and that he needs help. He said he wants to have kids one day, and he's not getting any younger, so he rushed it, and it's too much for him. He said he'll check in with me to let me know how his counseling is going.

 

So here I am. Waiting. Wondering. Hoping and praying that this is just a case of cold feet and that we can salvage this and make this work. I love him and I want to be with him. This is just so confusing to me because everything literally seemed wonderful. I always told him to go hang with his buddies or do whatever he wanted. I don't know how he feels trapped.

 

Any insight would be appreciated. Is this commitment phobia? I do know that he's a people pleaser as well, from issues in his childhood. Could he have just been pretending to be so happy all the time? How could everything have been so fake? The night before the freak out, he told me that I was his soulmate....

 

Lost and confused.

 

 

Sounds very similar to the relationship I had before my current relationship.

 

I do think it's commitment-phobia.

 

In my quest for answers during recovery, I came across this book:

 

Amazon.com: Men Who Can't Love: How to Recognize a Commitmentphobic Man Before He Breaks Your Heart (9780871319999): Steven Carter, Julia Sokol: Books

 

I was appalled to find several relationships recounted in this book where the man being described had said and done several things my ex had. It was a real eye-opener and helped me let go.

 

 

Hope this helps, and good luck.

Posted

Too far, too fast, too soon. The kind of love upon which successful marriages are built takes time to develop. It seems likely that your relationship was/is still in the infatuation stage. Lust, excitement, butterflies -- these are not the pillars of a lasting relationship.

 

Is there still hope? Perhaps. I think the problem is that a lot of guys would be more than happy to keep long-term relationships in a "three days a week mode" (i.e. -- you see each other on the weekends and one weekday). He might not necessarily miss you enough to pull the trigger on "forever" when he knows he has you in his back pocket.

 

That being said, if you really want to spend the rest of your life with this guy, give him a few weeks/months to get his head on straight.

  • Author
Posted (edited)

Thanks for the feedback, everyone. Yeah, I feel foolish for everything happening so soon, but I really just thought I had finally found the guy for me. He really seemed happy, too. Every day he told me how wonderful I am, and how he loves the person that I am. He would say that he was so thankful for me. Etc., etc., etc.

 

I would have been just fine without a ring on my finger; the proposal was a huge surprise. I suggested waiting until next year to get married, but he said he didn't want to wait. We had just sent out our "save the dates" for our August wedding.

 

I guess it would make more sense if there were any signs of him not being happy, or being withdrawn from the relationship or from the wedding plans, or if we had been arguing. It was literally like he was a different person overnight.

 

Sigh... But you're all right in that it was too much too soon. Just need to figure out how to heal. And also need to deal with sending wedding cancellation notices to all 180 people who received a save-the-date (just thinking of that makes me want to crawl into a hole). Logically I know this isn't the end of the world, but my heart sure feels like it is right now.

 

I'm a little afraid of being screwed up in the head for the next potential relationship (way, way, way down the road). I don't want to be damaged and unable to trust because of this experience, but that may be inevitable. Who knows, I called a therapist and have scheduled a visit in order to try to get my head wrapped around this.

 

Anyway, thanks again. Just these few comments alone have helped to lift my spirits a bit. Just nice to have someone listen, I guess.

 

And Almond Joy, I am going to get that book! A coworker actually mentioned it to me today as well. Thanks a lot for the recommendation.

Edited by stlangie
Posted

your experience reminds me of my own. i also had a seemingly happy relationship, with little agruing, and he seemed happy, and i showed him a ring on amazon i was interested in, we were talking about eloping since he had both been divorced, and he suddenly did an about face, and suggested being just friends.. i was utterly confused, he insisted he cant get married, and, that i would want h more, and he broke up with me.

 

i suggest you look into a book called The Journey from Abandonment to Healing. it was very good, and i even recommended it to my ex, because of a past issue. it has some coping techniques, and i find reading kept me occupied, made my mind less likely to wander.

 

my relationship also progressed fast, and he told me, that he got caught up in the feeling and didn't stop to think about things. seemed real to me too. although, now that is has been sometime, i can see that there were signs that he was becoming less happy. but, he wouldnt talk about it, but i think he had misgivings at least the last couple of months. so, it seems sudden to us because we are still caught up in the moment, and want it to be real, we don't always see some of the little changes in behavior that indicate second thoughts.

 

be glad he didnt marry you, and then get scared. im sure it has happened. *hugs*

Posted

Like others are saying, the honeymoon period is a time of mirth and joy - and three months into a relationship is awfully soon for a proposal.

 

I have a feel that at 30, he was feeling like he should settle down and it is entirely possible you are the right girl. But you guys need at least a year or so of getting to know each other before you can know if you want to spend the rest of your lives together.

 

He may still be the right guy and it is great you still have your condo. Only you can decide if you want to continue the relationship and his reaction of thinking he may always want to be single could be a knee-jerk reaction and nothing else. Time may heal that wound and you might end up with a great relationship in time.

  • Author
Posted

I've sent him a couple of emails this week. Just short emails, reminding him that I love him and that I'm willing to work on this. That I understand if he's afraid, but we both love each other and this can be worked out. He replied last night:

 

"I'm not trying to ignore you or block you out. I got your messages and I am just trying to figure things out. I think about you and I just feel so sorry. I never meant for this to happen, but at the same time I couldnt help the way I feel. Talk to you later"

 

It's still just so gut wrenching that things could be so incredibly perfect, and now this. Literally overnight. I'm hanging in there. I'm waiting for him. But every second that I wait literally feels like it's the longest second of my life. I know I can't contact him again - this is up to him. This is his issue to figure out.

 

I also started reading the book "Men Who Can't Love" last night. I finished half of it before I passed out on the couch. I notice a LOT of striking similarities, and all signs really do point to commitmentphobia. That would explain him acting like things were wonderful and just waking up one morning and freaking out. I understand being afraid. Things did happen awfully soon for us. But instead of freaking out and completely shutting me out, I don't understand why he just couldn't talk about what was going on. I'd have been MORE than willing to call off the wedding and to continue our relationship - as I've said, he's the one who wanted everything to happen so fast in the first place.

 

Anyway, I've scheduled an appointment with a counselor for Tuesday, so hopefully this book will help me cope until I get in. I have a long day today since I have a second job on Friday nights, so hopefully that'll keep my mind occupied until tomorrow. Just gotta try to get through today. Waiting for someone to decide your fate is tough...

  • Like 1
Posted

i stopped waiting, and told him that i had decisions to make, and time to think, and to please not contact me, and that i would contact him when i was ready....

 

he now wants to meetup, after about a month, and kept sending texts to get me to talk, he finally begged me to reply, because he says he needs closure.

so, i say, don't wait for him to decide your fate, you make the decision. no reason to give him all the power over your life and future. if he loves you, he will come back. *hugs*

Posted

Fear of commitment. A guy that is the whole package doesn't stay single into his 30s unless he's afraid of losing his freedom and afraid of commitment. Sounds like he was trying to force the issue by trying to commit too soon because he knows deep down he needs to get over this fear in order to eventually have the life he wants--spouse and children. So he was trying to force it too soon, and then panicked and called the whole thing off. Next time, don't agree to marriage until you know the guy really well and have a long, stable relationship (1 yr), and don't move in with him beforehand. The drastic change in lifestyle by having someone live with you and invading your space can create this sudden panic and need for space. If you were married before living together, he would have to adjust. Now, it's too easy for him to walk away. This guy needs to see a counselor to work with him on his fear of commitment. I suggest you let him go. This is not a short couple months' of sessions with the counselor that's going to change his thinking permanently.

Posted
I've sent him a couple of emails this week. Just short emails, reminding him that I love him and that I'm willing to work on this. That I understand if he's afraid, but we both love each other and this can be worked out. He replied last night:

 

"I'm not trying to ignore you or block you out. I got your messages and I am just trying to figure things out. I think about you and I just feel so sorry. I never meant for this to happen, but at the same time I couldnt help the way I feel. Talk to you later"

 

It's still just so gut wrenching that things could be so incredibly perfect, and now this. Literally overnight. I'm hanging in there. I'm waiting for him. But every second that I wait literally feels like it's the longest second of my life. I know I can't contact him again - this is up to him. This is his issue to figure out.

 

I also started reading the book "Men Who Can't Love" last night. I finished half of it before I passed out on the couch. I notice a LOT of striking similarities, and all signs really do point to commitmentphobia. That would explain him acting like things were wonderful and just waking up one morning and freaking out. I understand being afraid. Things did happen awfully soon for us. But instead of freaking out and completely shutting me out, I don't understand why he just couldn't talk about what was going on. I'd have been MORE than willing to call off the wedding and to continue our relationship - as I've said, he's the one who wanted everything to happen so fast in the first place.

 

Anyway, I've scheduled an appointment with a counselor for Tuesday, so hopefully this book will help me cope until I get in. I have a long day today since I have a second job on Friday nights, so hopefully that'll keep my mind occupied until tomorrow. Just gotta try to get through today. Waiting for someone to decide your fate is tough...

 

It's rough(to put it lightly), but you'll be okay. Just take it a day at a time.

 

One day you'll look back on this and be amazed at how much of the pain and confusion is behind you. Hopefully this fellow's actions will no longer plague you and suck up your analyzing capacities either by that time.

 

I drove myself crazy for months trying to figure out why my ex couldn't just be straightforward with me. Like you, I asked him several times if things were ok, if he wanted a break, mentioned that we're moving really fast. But instead of paying attention to what was clearly abnormal, I went along. I trusted that he was sure of himself, what he wanted, and was ready to make the commitment that he constructed with words (talking about marriage, family, etc.)

 

A man who's itching to sell you on promises of lifelong commitment so early in the relationship is trouble. If they're planning to stick around, why do they need to rush the emotional connection and security that develops in every healthy relationship with time? That's what I learned to ask myself. It didn't help my heartache, but it's a valuable lesson for the future.

 

Why he's chosen to behave as he did is something you may never fully understand or respect. If you can accept that, and leave it behind you, the rest of the recovery will take care of itself.

 

Also, I hate to be a downer, but I'll echo what many here often say: Waiting for him isn't likely to help you. Loving him doesn't mean you should leave yourself emotionally vulnerable. If he can't offer the commitment you need to be happy, it'd probably be better for you two to part ways.

  • Author
Posted

Thanks... yeah, I see where I went wrong and that I just shouldn't have jumped in after such a short amount of time. Throughout past relationships, I've been much more guarded than this; I guess it felt good to let the wall down for once and just go with something because it felt right.

 

But you guys are right in that I need to try to focus on my own life instead of waiting around for what he decides. As of now, I'd take him back in a heartbeat, even though my brain is telling me that doing that would be a mistake. I suppose I just long for things to be the way that they were, but hopefully that will change over time. Surely I can't have this gaping hole forever.

 

I also thought of something else. He's very close with his parents and feels a strong need to please them - particularly his mom. He felt that he could never please them growing up, and so he struggles with a "people pleasing" personality. Well, I remember at Thanksgiving dinner with his entire extended family, his mom mentioned during her prayer that she was "thankful for a new relationship", and she looked at us. When he purchased the engagement ring, he put it on hold first so that his mom and sister could look at it and approve. His mom always told me how good I was for him. She'd ask us how long we were going to wait before we started having kids. When I'd make awesome dinners, he would be all excited and would text a picture of his dinner to his mom.

 

He mentioned when we last spoke that he was just in a rush to find someone to settle down with, and that he has been for the past couple of years. He said he acted too quickly. And now he doesn't know if he wants to share his life with anyone.

 

So..... that makes me wonder if his actions were the result of him just trying to please his parents. Perhaps he really just doesn't want the married/kids lifestyle for himself, and he was trying to jump into that because of the pressure from his folks.

 

It has to be either that he just doesn't want commitment, or that he wants it and is just afraid of it. I know that it's not in my best interest to stick around to find out. I know I need to stop obsessing over what went wrong. With time, I suppose.

  • Author
Posted

A man who's itching to sell you on promises of lifelong commitment so early in the relationship is trouble. If they're planning to stick around, why do they need to rush the emotional connection and security that develops in every healthy relationship with time?

 

This really sticks out to me - thank you for putting this into words because I think you're absolutely right. I need to remember this.

Posted
Thanks... yeah, I see where I went wrong and that I just shouldn't have jumped in after such a short amount of time. Throughout past relationships, I've been much more guarded than this; I guess it felt good to let the wall down for once and just go with something because it felt right.

 

But you guys are right in that I need to try to focus on my own life instead of waiting around for what he decides. As of now, I'd take him back in a heartbeat, even though my brain is telling me that doing that would be a mistake. I suppose I just long for things to be the way that they were, but hopefully that will change over time. Surely I can't have this gaping hole forever.

 

I also thought of something else. He's very close with his parents and feels a strong need to please them - particularly his mom. He felt that he could never please them growing up, and so he struggles with a "people pleasing" personality. Well, I remember at Thanksgiving dinner with his entire extended family, his mom mentioned during her prayer that she was "thankful for a new relationship", and she looked at us. When he purchased the engagement ring, he put it on hold first so that his mom and sister could look at it and approve. His mom always told me how good I was for him. She'd ask us how long we were going to wait before we started having kids. When I'd make awesome dinners, he would be all excited and would text a picture of his dinner to his mom.

 

He mentioned when we last spoke that he was just in a rush to find someone to settle down with, and that he has been for the past couple of years. He said he acted too quickly. And now he doesn't know if he wants to share his life with anyone.

 

So..... that makes me wonder if his actions were the result of him just trying to please his parents. Perhaps he really just doesn't want the married/kids lifestyle for himself, and he was trying to jump into that because of the pressure from his folks.

 

It has to be either that he just doesn't want commitment, or that he wants it and is just afraid of it. I know that it's not in my best interest to stick around to find out. I know I need to stop obsessing over what went wrong. With time, I suppose.

Uh, oh. I see a big red flag here. He had his mom and sister check out the ring before buying it? He texted a picture of dinner you cooked him to his mom? His mom asks you so early on how long before you are going to have kids? Looks like we have a moma's boy here. This guy is 30+ years old. He's too much of a moma's boy to be getting married. Those types do not make good husbands. And that is probably why he has never married--because he never emotionally left the nest. If the rushed engagement, panicky cold feet and fear of commitment aren't enough of a red flag for you, then the fact that he is too emotionally dependent on his mother should be a deal breaker. Those types do not make good husbands. Trust me on that. My older sister married a similar man. Started talking marriage way too early on. Had his mother come along to help pick out the ring. Had his mother call all the shots in planning their wedding. He never was a man, but a moma's boy, and turned to his mother in making any decisions, rather than his wife. I think it may be a blessing in disguise that your guy got cold feet. Too many red flags with this guy. Sorry.

  • Author
Posted

Okay, so I finished reading "Men Who Can't Love". I couldn't believe it - it was like I was reading my life in a book. I never realized that a commitmentphobic person would actually be the one to move fast and to push the relationship toward commitment - only to bolt with no warning. I guess I always figured that the commitmentphobic person wouldn't find themselves in a meaningful relationship at all, but I was so wrong.

 

This morning I skimmed the book again and highlighted all of the bizarre similarities in our relationship. I even made a few notes in the book. At the end of the book, I wrote him a short note that said, "This pretty much sums it up for me. What you did was hurtful and wrong, and I know that I didn't deserve this. My only hope is that you never do this to another person again. Goodbye and good luck." I plan on leaving it on his doorstep tomorrow, since he just lives a few miles away. And that will be my closure.

 

I feel so much better. It's only been a little over a week since he bolted, so I'm sure I'll have good days and bad days. But today I feel empowered. I feel enlightened. And I think that's what I need in order to begin the healing process and begin to move on.

 

I turned 30 two weeks ago, and I was so excited to begin a new chapter in my life - with him. For the past week and a half, I've been living in hell. Pure agony - as I'm sure anyone who has found themselves in this section of LS can relate. All my hopes and dreams were gone when I woke up that Thursday morning. But you know, I can still begin a new chapter - a healthier chapter in which I am more aware of my surroundings.

 

I don't know how I'd have gotten through this week without support from friends and family, as well as the comments that people have posted in this thread. Seriously, when I thought my life was over, all I could do was cling to some of the words that you guys and gals wrote - and so I just want to thank you for saying kind words to a complete stranger.

 

For anyone who is caught in a situation where their loved one seems to be pushing them away for no reason, or worst case, if they just disappear like mine did, I urge you to read "Men Who Can't Love". I began reading the book with the intentions of trying to "fix" the situation, but my intentions are the exact opposite now that I've finished reading it. What a big emotional release, and an additudinal shift for the better.

 

Long road ahead, but today I feel pretty good. And that's a big step.

  • Like 2
Posted

good on you for taking charge of your life! :)

Posted (edited)

Very glad to read that the book helped you as it did me.

 

Best of luck on your recovery!:)

 

 

PS I'd recommend getting another copy of the book for you to keep. I'd bet money that when you say goodbye for good he will try with everything he's got to make it back into your life and your heart. If,he catches you on a hard day, he just might gain ground in that campaign. These commitment-phobes have a silver tongue and will tell you everything you want to hear to get what they want.

 

Having the book handy to skim through on those hard days will help you reinforce the perspective, strength, and resiliance you'll need to make a thorough, uninterrupted recovery ;).

Edited by Almond_Joy
  • Author
Posted

Well, I made it back to the "low" this morning. That awful song "Marry Me" by Train came on at work, which immediately gets the tears flowing. Crap. That song used to get me all gushy. Doesn't help that it seems to come on at work three times a day. For the rest of the day, I made sure my ipod was loud enough to block the work radio, which helped a bit.

 

I just keep getting these images in my head of our relationship, back when everything was perfect. But then I guess it wasn't so perfect if he bailed. Was it just a figment of my imagination? Did I just dream that he called me his soul mate the night before he bailed? Am I living in The Truman Show?

 

I deleted my FB account today, at least temporarily. I've found that I have a tendency to click on his page and stare at his profile picture, even though I deleted him as my friend. So at lest I'm preventing myself from stalking his picture. And his family members' pictures. Why do we do this to ourselves?

 

I purchased a very expensive camera today. Impulse buy, yes, but it did make me feel better. I've been wanting to start learning the ropes of photography for a while now, but I've always been putting off making the purchase, especially lately with paying for a wedding. I figure it's time to start working toward my own goals and such. It was nice to do something for myself, even though it was a bit impulsive.

 

And then tonight, another low. Wondering what he's doing, why he hasn't called, what he's thinking and whether or not he's missing me as much as I miss him. But then my thoughts shift to the idea that maybe I don't want someone who would do this to me. What kind of person just fills your head with all of these wonderful thoughts, plans a future with you, tells you how important and special you are, and then bails on you when things are good? Is that really what I deserve? NO. It isn't. But then why do I still want him? Maybe it's that I want the idea of him - the person I thought he was. I must must must keep telling myself that that fairytale doesn't really exist. I'm trying. But I can't say I still don't have some kind of (false) hope that he'll wake up tomorrow and realize the mistake he's made and things would just be back to normal.

 

But then again, "normal" was good for me. Guess it wasn't good for him, or he'd still be here. That's what I don't understand. How can you just say you're happy, and act 100% happy, but then just leave? Why couldn't we have talked about it? Why couldn't we have just worked whatever it was out? Neither of us were controlling or demanding. Neither of us were unreasonable people. Neither of us ever once raised our voices at the other. We seemed to agree on just about everything. Why couldn't he just talk to me? Blah, I just don't get it.

 

Talked to my dad yesterday for the first time since the breakup. My dad raised me, and is really the only parent I've ever had. My dad also happens to be a commitmentphobic, and wasn't thrilled about the idea of me getting married in the first place.

 

Dad's response: "You dodged a bullet! You are fortunate!! Half of marriages fail. And you you really think the other half are happy?! Hell no! I'd say five percent - tops! You're lucky you're not going through this after you've had a couple of kids! Then nobody likes ya. Your husband doesn't like ya because he never shoulda married ya, and your kids don't like ya because you won't give 'em a #*%#* popsicle! Now I'm glad you came over so I didn't have to call ya. I just wanted to let you sort your stuff out on your own and I knew you'd land on your feet. And here you are. On your feet."

 

Um.... thanks dad?

 

I have to admit that that's the first time I've really laughed in the last ten days-ish...

 

Anyway, no point to this post other than to just get my confusion and mixed emotions out there. It helps. I have my first counseling session tomorrow night, so hopefully that'll help as well.

 

Still confused, but (sometimes) hopeful.

  • Like 1
  • Author
Posted

.....aaaand, I chickened out on giving him the highlighted book. Still too weirded out to stop by his house and drop it off, even if he isn't home. Just too many good (and recently bad) memories for me to go there. But if I do, I'll definitely grab another copy for myself to keep....

Posted

I'm going to tell you something completely unhelpful, and then something maybe a little more useful.

 

First, if you're a fan of romantic comedies, your story reminded me of Sophie Kinsella's I've Got Your Number. It's a fun book.

 

Also, I'm making impulse purchases, too. I bought the Clarisonic Mia and justified it as, "Well, I need to look better if I supposed to suddenly be on the market." What's an unbudgeted $100 dollar purchase. LOL

 

And, you're not alone! That's the only thing that helps me - knowing I'm not alone.

  • Like 1
  • 2 weeks later...
Posted
Thanks... yeah, I see where I went wrong and that I just shouldn't have jumped in after such a short amount of time. Throughout past relationships, I've been much more guarded than this; I guess it felt good to let the wall down for once and just go with something because it felt right.

 

But you guys are right in that I need to try to focus on my own life instead of waiting around for what he decides. As of now, I'd take him back in a heartbeat, even though my brain is telling me that doing that would be a mistake. I suppose I just long for things to be the way that they were, but hopefully that will change over time. Surely I can't have this gaping hole forever.

 

I also thought of something else. He's very close with his parents and feels a strong need to please them - particularly his mom. He felt that he could never please them growing up, and so he struggles with a "people pleasing" personality. Well, I remember at Thanksgiving dinner with his entire extended family, his mom mentioned during her prayer that she was "thankful for a new relationship", and she looked at us. When he purchased the engagement ring, he put it on hold first so that his mom and sister could look at it and approve. His mom always told me how good I was for him. She'd ask us how long we were going to wait before we started having kids. When I'd make awesome dinners, he would be all excited and would text a picture of his dinner to his mom.

 

He mentioned when we last spoke that he was just in a rush to find someone to settle down with, and that he has been for the past couple of years. He said he acted too quickly. And now he doesn't know if he wants to share his life with anyone.

 

So..... that makes me wonder if his actions were the result of him just trying to please his parents. Perhaps he really just doesn't want the married/kids lifestyle for himself, and he was trying to jump into that because of the pressure from his folks.

 

It has to be either that he just doesn't want commitment, or that he wants it and is just afraid of it. I know that it's not in my best interest to stick around to find out. I know I need to stop obsessing over what went wrong. With time, I suppose.

 

I could not believe that your story is 80% like my case, from meeting a guy, decide to tie a knot in short period of time, tell me how wonderful I am and how thankful for us to be together, etc, the guy somehow please & listen to Mum, and then everything cancelled all of a sudden without proper discussion or negotiation.

I know how you feel because I am exactly in the same situation, I was so shocked and could not believe it happened to me like that. I did not know what I should do, only sleeping can make me not to think of him, otherwise, he would be the last person I think of at the end of the day and be the first one I think of every morning. I don't know how long it will take me to forget him or at least move on with my life normal again.

But I think we have to be strong and move on, if he loves you, he will come back but we "don't need to waste our time on someone who is not willing to waste his time on us". I believe that time does heal all wounds, for you & for me hopefully.

Posted

Wow, this story sounds almost exactly like mine. In my case we weren't engaged, but moving in together. His idea btw. He suggested we move in together after a year of dating. He didn't like the idea of us renting a place since we both already owned our own places so he was quite insistent on the idea of buying. Then, 4 days before the big move he called off the relationship. Said he had some issues he wanted to work on and was going for counseling and didn't think we could be together while he was working in his isssues. So painful as it was I moved into our new house hoping that some point he may resolve his issues and we'd get back on track.

 

But, then I discovered that less than a week after the breakup he was at a party introducing people to his new girlfriend :(

So clearly all the talk of him getting help was BS. He just told me the one thing he knew would keep me hanging on for a while so he had the option of coming back if it the grass in fact didn't turn out to be greener on the other side.....

 

So I totally feel your pain. Eve though we weren't engaged wed both met each others parents which in ou culture is a big deal and generally signifies a forthcoming commitment. From reading other people's posts though it seems that unfortunately there is no quick and easy way out of heartbreak...I think this guy cared about you, just as I believe my ex did and still does love me. The thing is you have to realize that it isnt all about love. Someone who can love and still hit you this badly - that isn't the kind of love you should want for yourself. I read somewhere that God sometimes removes someone from your life for your own safety and protection so you should twice before running after them....

 

Good luck! Hope it helps to know that there are more of us in this club than one would think...

Posted
Wow, this story sounds almost exactly like mine. In my case we weren't engaged, but moving in together. His idea btw. He suggested we move in together after a year of dating. He didn't like the idea of us renting a place since we both already owned our own places so he was quite insistent on the idea of buying. Then, 4 days before the big move he called off the relationship. Said he had some issues he wanted to work on and was going for counseling and didn't think we could be together while he was working in his isssues. So painful as it was I moved into our new house hoping that some point he may resolve his issues and we'd get back on track.

 

But, then I discovered that less than a week after the breakup he was at a party introducing people to his new girlfriend :(

So clearly all the talk of him getting help was BS. He just told me the one thing he knew would keep me hanging on for a while so he had the option of coming back if it the grass in fact didn't turn out to be greener on the other side.....

 

So I totally feel your pain. Eve though we weren't engaged wed both met each others parents which in ou culture is a big deal and generally signifies a forthcoming commitment. From reading other people's posts though it seems that unfortunately there is no quick and easy way out of heartbreak...I think this guy cared about you, just as I believe my ex did and still does love me. The thing is you have to realize that it isnt all about love. Someone who can love and still hit you this badly - that isn't the kind of love you should want for yourself. I read somewhere that God sometimes removes someone from your life for your own safety and protection so you should twice before running after them....

 

Good luck! Hope it helps to know that there are more of us in this club than one would think...

 

I think you are referring to the quote "God never take away anything/anyone from you without replacing something/someone much better in its place"

Good luck to all who are suffering from break up.

I always think and believe that he still loves me & cares for me but I should not think about it, otherwise, it just makes my heart torn. I am trying to move on even though sometimes I hope he will come back to me one day saying he was wrong and want me back.

  • 4 weeks later...
Posted

I know this is an old post, but I came across it and it sounded very similar to my current situation. how are you doing? I don't feel like its ever going to get easier, but I know it's only because it's so new.

Posted

im so glad this post was re-opened as it is VERY similar to my situation..

While the thread author can add an update and reopen discussion, this thread was last posted in over a month ago. Want to continue the conversation? Feel free to start a new thread instead!
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