I think I made him angry

[mortensorchid]

I had connected with someone online the other week. He had given my his number, we never talked at all on the phone, we had only exchanged emails through the sight and a few text messages. Last night, we were exhanging text messages (this all took place over text not anything else). I told him that I am going through an extremely busy time right now, with finals week this week, as well as some other social obligations that had been building up until now (baby showers, events planning, etc.). Last weekend I was unavailable for a get together, I told him.

 

Last night we were chatting on text again, it started off with a bad sign when he said he wanted to see another photo of me. I did send one of me, not much different than the other one I have uploaded on the sight. I don't like it when people ask for that, in that they want to have someone send them a sexy one and when they get one that is just so so it's a big disappointment. Then we were exchaning some more info about likes and passtimes. He said then:

 

Him: "You are hard to read sometimes. What are you looking for?"

Me: "Meeting new people and seeing what they are about."

Him: "Are you interested in a relationship?"

Me: "Yes, if the right person is there."

Him: "Are you ok with my having a kid?" (his son is about 4)

Me: "Yes I am."

Him: "Have you ever been married?"

Me: "No I haven't, have you?"

Him: "7 years, divorced last summer. Have you had a recent relationship?"

Me: "Yes, I have."

Him: "I was with someone for 4 months, she was bipolar so that was the end of it. Are you interested in a real date?"

Me: "Yes, this is a very busy week right now, how is next week looking for you? I have a lot going on right now."

Him: "I will let you know."

Me: "Ok ttyl"

 

I sent a text today and he said "Who is this?" and his profile no longer appears on the website. I think I made him angry.

 

I don't get this. If someone wants to meet someone through a website like this, why don't they just set a time/place and stick to it? I clearly indicated that I am extremely busy this week and I do not have my nights free until next week. But, so much for that I guess.

[gaius]

I don't get this. If someone wants to meet someone through a website like this, why don't they just set a time/place and stick to it? I clearly indicated that I am extremely busy this week and I do not have my nights free until next week. But, so much for that I guess.

I get the impression that he was having a hard time connecting to you on an emotional level and decided to throw in the towel early. One solid week of being busy isn't unreasonable, especially if you told him it was finals week.

[dasein]

I don't see anything you did wrong and no anger on his part. You never know how people are handling their profiles OLD. Many people still have a stigma about it and turn their profiles on and off constantly, could be someone recognizable in public like a teacher, could be many other reasons related to who knows. Wouldn't put too much stock in it, and there's a good chance you will hear from him again IMO.

[sid3]

He sounds desperate, needy and more than likely he's clingy too.

[thatone]

I get the impression that he was having a hard time connecting to you on an emotional level and decided to throw in the towel early. One solid week of being busy isn't unreasonable, especially if you told him it was finals week.

 

you can't connect with someone on an emotional level via email and text. it's not possible.

 

really, this is very silly, and one of if not the major drawback to online dating. you don't know anything about anyone from texts or emails. there's nothing to consider until you meet in person. nor is there any sort of emotional connection at that point, zero.

 

if people could make 'emotional connections' via text and email we'd all stay in our houses and live on porn rather than going to the effort to meet people of the opposite sex.

 

in fairness she handled it pretty well by pitching next week after saying she was busy this week, that's fine, and i agree that he reacted a bit poorly from that point on. but honestly, emotional connection from a text message? that's ridiculous.

Edited May 10, 2012 by thatone

[Fondue]

Reading your text conversation is the exact reason why I avoid texting women.

 

I'm not sure if you were interested in teh guy or not, but your text conversation clearly showed you were not.

 

You were merely answering his questions, and only asked him one back-- asking him if he was married, after he asked you.

 

Everything else just seemed so.. Dull, on your part. If I text a woman and she just answers my question and that's that, I will not be texting her again. Communication is a two-way street. If you're not contributing anything, then you're clearly not interested-- or at least, this is the way that I (and almost everyone else) will perceive this.

[Eddie Edirol]

Reading your text conversation is the exact reason why I avoid texting women.

 

I'm not sure if you were interested in teh guy or not, but your text conversation clearly showed you were not.

 

You were merely answering his questions, and only asked him one back-- asking him if he was married, after he asked you.

 

Everything else just seemed so.. Dull, on your part. If I text a woman and she just answers my question and that's that, I will not be texting her again. Communication is a two-way street. If you're not contributing anything, then you're clearly not interested-- or at least, this is the way that I (and almost everyone else) will perceive this.

 

Yeah I agree with this, you didn't even ask him anything about him. Plus you gave him the universal line that women give that are too chicken to say straight out that they arent interested: "Yes, this is a very busy week right now, how is next week looking for you? I have a lot going on right now." To him thats a pre-blowoff. It sounds like he will waste his time chasing you with no payoff of a good date.

 

If youre too busy with other things, then dont date. If youre at least somewhat interested in a guy, be able to make time for him. If you didnt want to make time for this guy because you werent interested enough, you really shouldnt have been talking to him at all.

[GardenDiva]

I agree with Fondue. That's kind of what I was thinking when I read your exchange. He asked you if you've had a recent relationship and you just said "yes I have" with no further explanation. He was much more forthcoming. Also, some people don't like to date others who have just recently come out of a relationship "rebound" and all that mumbo jumbo...so it might be one of those reasons, a combination or neither...what do we really know? But I do think Fondue got it right. It almost sounds like the guy was "qualifying" you and you didn't make the cut. Sorry, to be harsh but you asked!

[Feelsgoodman]

Him: "You are hard to read sometimes. What are you looking for?"

Me: "Meeting new people and seeing what they are about."

Him: "Are you interested in a relationship?"

Me: "Yes, if the right person is there."

Him: "Are you ok with my having a kid?" (his son is about 4)

Me: "Yes I am."

Him: "Have you ever been married?"

Me: "No I haven't, have you?"

Him: "7 years, divorced last summer. Have you had a recent relationship?"

Me: "Yes, I have."

Him: "I was with someone for 4 months, she was bipolar so that was the end of it. Are you interested in a real date?"

Me: "Yes, this is a very busy week right now, how is next week looking for you? I have a lot going on right now."

Him: "I will let you know."

Me: "Ok ttyl"

You came across as a typical online dating site flake (even if you aren't). The first two highlighted responses are way too generic and scream 'I don't know what I want'. The last one sounds like a brush off (if you've got so many things to do, why are chatting on a dating site instead of doing them?)

 

You have to understand that online dating can be a very frustrating experience. You spend time getting to know someone and then that person either disappears or flakes on you...Highly annoying. Personally, if I suggest a date and the girl tells me she's busy (especially without providing an explanation), I would likely assume that she's a flake and not chat with her again.

[Radu]

I had connected with someone online the other week. He had given my his number, we never talked at all on the phone, we had only exchanged emails through the sight and a few text messages. Last night, we were exhanging text messages (this all took place over text not anything else). I told him that I am going through an extremely busy time right now, with finals week this week, as well as some other social obligations that had been building up until now (baby showers, events planning, etc.). Last weekend I was unavailable for a get together, I told him.

 

Last night we were chatting on text again, it started off with a bad sign when he said he wanted to see another photo of me. I did send one of me, not much different than the other one I have uploaded on the sight. I don't like it when people ask for that, in that they want to have someone send them a sexy one and when they get one that is just so so it's a big disappointment. Then we were exchaning some more info about likes and passtimes. He said then:

 

Him: "You are hard to read sometimes. What are you looking for?"

Me: "Meeting new people and seeing what they are about."

Him: "Are you interested in a relationship?"

Me: "Yes, if the right person is there."

Him: "Are you ok with my having a kid?" (his son is about 4)

Me: "Yes I am."

Him: "Have you ever been married?"

Me: "No I haven't, have you?"

Him: "7 years, divorced last summer. Have you had a recent relationship?"

Me: "Yes, I have."

Him: "I was with someone for 4 months, she was bipolar so that was the end of it. Are you interested in a real date?"

Me: "Yes, this is a very busy week right now, how is next week looking for you? I have a lot going on right now."

Him: "I will let you know."

Me: "Ok ttyl"

 

I sent a text today and he said "Who is this?" and his profile no longer appears on the website. I think I made him angry.

 

I don't get this. If someone wants to meet someone through a website like this, why don't they just set a time/place and stick to it? I clearly indicated that I am extremely busy this week and I do not have my nights free until next week. But, so much for that I guess.

 

2 possibilities :

- he was looking for a quick hookup

- you told him no on the date now and as he had no way of peaking into your mind to see what your schedule was like, he could have thought you were lying. I guess he was waiting for you to show some enthusiasm or setup a date and time.

If it was me in his shoes, i would have thought you were not that interested and moved on.

 

It could be just me, but when i am in your position i make it known that i'm very interested, but that my schedule conflicts.

I usually say what i need to get done, because it looks less made-up and make an appointment around a certain date.

Not to mention all of this went through txt which doesn't tranmit body language or tonality, which makes the bulk of human communication. You can't gauge interest levels from text that well.

 

PS: Oh, and Fondue is spot on, on this one.

It does seem like you were not contributing to the conversation, which means low interest level.

Edited May 10, 2012 by Radu

[Professor X]

With all due respect, your conversation seemed so boring and formal. Didn't seem like you were interested at all (as mentioned, you asked him just 1 question). I don't think he got angry, just bored and moved on. Probably not the first one who was boring to talk to, which is why he took his profile off.

[d'Arthez]

They guy did get divorced about 10 months ago, has been involved with a bi-polar woman for four months, all by his own admission. He has a son in the picture as well.

 

Not sure what he was looking for, but it seems doubtful he was in the right frame of mind to begin with. Not to mention the personal circumstances, of which you know nothing, except what he has told you (which may be true or a lie).

 

Perhaps you did not initiate enough (hard to say without having a look at your other interactions with him), but it is quite obvious you dodged a bullet here.

 

Chalk it up to experience. Next!

[Kamille]

Other possibilities:

 

1. Maybe he's not divorced and his wife is the one who asked the "who is this" question.

 

2. Maybe he genuinely had a moment when he had no idea who was texting.

 

Point is: hard to tell what actually happened.

[Emilia]

It appears I'm one of the very few who doesn't blame to the OP for any of this. Any kind of false intimacy and being overtly friendly should be avoided before you meet the other person.

 

I'm in contact with a guy who is in the OP's position, ie he is having an exam on Monday and too busy to meet me until then. We had a chit chat, we know we can probably hold a conversation when we meet up (hopefully next week, otherwise I'll move on) but neither of us is asking questions that would imply any kind of familiarity.

 

The OP's contact wanted to know too much too soon from someone whom he had never met. Too much contact with a complete stranger. The OP was right to be cautious.

[Radu]

Exactly how much is cautious Emilia ?

 

Next thing you know women will be so cautious that they will appear as men on dating sites just because men are interested in them.

It's over text, it is non-comittal, and OP probably lives in a country where laws are enforced.

[Emilia]

You missed my point completely. Cautious in terms of not getting excited by a conversation from a complete stranger whom she may not fancy in real life. What's the point in emailing and texting back and forth? Meet and see if you fancy each other and get into the chit chat then. This place is full of people complaining that their first date didn't turn out to be the way they expected it to be. This is the reason why. Until you meet the person he is just a fantasy.

[Radu]

Then read my initial post in this thread.

 

There was no enthusiasm.

I was that guy a few times, maybe i blew off some opportunities [granted, i never answered like he did to her], but we do go by interest level.

And in that text there is hardly any interest, it's very easy to confuse the OP as a flake. It's all close ended answers, with only question coming from her ... why i think texting in these situations is stupid because you are limited in what you can say/answer.

 

For me, the fact that he answered how he answered and hid/erased his profile is something being said about him [something bad] but he wasn't the one who made the thread.

[Emilia]

There is no 'enthusiasm' for a complete stranger and there shouldn't be! The person you are picturing is in your head, you are being enthusiastic for someone that may not exist.

 

From what I have seen, people who ask a lot of questions in the beginning are looking for reasons NOT to meet up. What interest level? He is a stranger, he is a CV on a website with a photo.

 

Yes it sounds like you blew some opportunities. Perhaps you should ask yourself why you didn't go through with it. Perhaps you should have been braver and meet quickly rather than texting and expect enthusiasm from someone who doesn't know you from a bar of soap. Perhaps you yourself weren't that interested in meeting them in the first place.

[Radu]

So, is your entry on a dating site a mirror of your CV ?

 

You should give off enthusiam about meeting someone ... or you shouldn't.

As a man who doesn't multidate, it's best for me [and others] if i go by enthusiasm because it's no fun to actually proceed along in these situations only to have 2 weeks of my time wasted with arranging meet-ups that get cancelled at the last minute.

 

If you don't show enthusiasm, or are at least interested in me and you view me as a CV to feed that big pile of CV's you have lying around [btw, this is something every recruiter will tell you ... CV's which don't get noticed in a good way are not looked at], then i'm better off without you.

 

But this is outside of the spectre of the OP, let's end it at this ... you have your opinion from the female side, i have my opinion from the male side ... no need to derail this thread.

[Feelsgoodman]

You missed my point completely. Cautious in terms of not getting excited by a conversation from a complete stranger whom she may not fancy in real life.

There's a difference between not getting too excited about a complete stranger (which is a bad idea, I agree) and lacking basic communication skills. Before you meet someone from an online dating site, you need to build up a little bit of rapport. Otherwise, the first date would be awkward. The OP seems to be incapable of carrying even a basic conversation.

[d'Arthez]

Can someone please explain why OP should be enthusiastic about the guy in the first place? In that text communication itself there is already a major red flag to begin with. And possibly two.

 

Just because the guy has a pen!s does not oblige OP to be running over to city hall, get the certificate and start popping out the babies.

 

It is not a bad idea to actually explore compatibility in words in the first place. It is easy to write a profile pretending to be someone you are not. You actually need to build up a bit of a rapport to actually prove your profile is not a pile of manufactured BS. Once the rapport is established, it is a good idea to meet that person as soon as reasonably possible.

 

Perhaps OP was not overly enthusiastic. But to go as far as blame her for things going sour is to be glaringly oblivious of his role in this text chat as well.

[Fondue]

Let me preface this by saying I do not do this online dating thing.

 

But I can't help but wonder how someone is actually expected to do so WITHOUT at least establishing some sort of affiliation for one another. If you're going to be stone cold to someone during the very first stages of communication, how in the the world is the other person supposed to know that you're actually interested in meeting up-- or anything at all, for that matter?

 

It seems a bit asinine to assume that men/women will disregard the "oh, she's not really talking to me because she just wants to meet up, not that she's not interested" and just go ahead and beat their head against the wall anyway and try to do something with you.

 

If I went up to a girl on the street and started a conversation, and she just answered my questions and that's that, there is NO way I will be there for more than 30seconds. Hell no. There is no interest there. If you're expecting the guy (or sometimes, the girl) to think you're acutally interested in them without showing that you're interested, then I simply have no idea how you may have any success in dating whatsoever.

[Els]

Plenty of possibilities - anyone in this thread could be right, really, and we'll never know which it is now. But the point does remain that I, at least would never be interested in getting to know better someone whose texts to me read like yours. I swear. Yes, you can't do everything through text, but there is still a fairly large range of what you -can- do... and that doesn't even come close to 1% of it. If someone can't even keep a conversation running via text, or can't be bothered to, that means we'd be a lot less likely to connect IRL as well.

Edited May 10, 2012 by Elswyth

[bean1]

I don't think either of them did anything wrong.

 

As for his 'interview' questions, he's divorced with a young child. Automatic dealbreaker for many singles so why should he waste going out on a date (and pay for it, presumably) for her to turn around and say she wouldn't date someone divorced with a kid. Likewise, it wouldn't be fair to her to spring that later on anyways, it should be upfront info.

 

You're both testing the waters, you were busy this week, maybe he was in contact with several women, decided he wasn't ready, it didn't work out, no biggie. Nothing wrong for either. Perhaps next weekend was "his" weekend for the child and busy schedules weren't worth the effort for a text contact.

[make me believe]

Don't you think it's a huge red flag that he's been divorced for less than a year, has already had a 4 month relationship, and is now looking for a new one? That would have sent me running immediately.