wilsonx Posted July 6, 2012 Posted July 6, 2012 Butterflies and unicorns and only seeing the positives. I remember those days Im kicking tires, dating girls I know I shouldnt be dating.
Author Maddy1984 Posted July 10, 2012 Author Posted July 10, 2012 Thanks for the added input! @Wilsonx - thanks for the blunt response, truly. I wanted honesty when I came on here and I'm glad to have had it. @Ruby - that does sound a lot like my situation. I want to stay because, well, I've put in the mileage it seems like such a shame to walk away now when we've built so much up together. And related to that, @rAFC - I know relationships are hard work. I know that sex is going to change over time. I know there's a difference between those first few months when you date someone, and then 20 years later. I'm trying NOT to chase that Hollywood ideal. Hence why I'm so confused. Am I just experiencing what most people go through in their mid-late thirties and fourties when they've been with their spouse for over a decade? I don't know anyone else my age who's been in a relationship this long. As far as our sex life, I totally accept blame that it's also my fault. It takes two to tango. But I have tried to get more excited, and I made a few purchases that I thought would help but even things that used to make me feel sexy don't really make me feel that way anymore. I know part of the problem is me - dealing with vaginismus as I have can really affect your view of yourself as a sexy female. But I think part of the problem is perhaps my boyfriend just doesn't light my fire. @Manimal - a friend of mine who I confided in said a similar thing - that it sounds to her that I care about my boyfriend more as a friend, a very good friend, rather than a romantic partner. --- This whole discussion of fairy tale romances is basically the source of my confusion. But then I read so many threads where people talk about how after so many years they still want to tear the clothes off their spouse, or how after a week apart they feel like newlyweds again. I don't have that feeling. But being the dumper is so painful - how can I rip this guy's heart out after 11 years? How can I destroy the only person I've loved? And at the end of the day... is there anything better out there for me? I'll continue to read over this thread and others. Thanks again everyone.
january2011 Posted July 10, 2012 Posted July 10, 2012 I’m also afraid no guy will want me since who wants to date a girl who just got out of a 10 year relationship and has only had sex with one person? You would be surprised. A few years ago, my ex and I broke up after a 10+ year relationship - we lived together for 8+ years. Everyone assumed that we would get married and have kids at some point. I got sick and tired of waiting. When he proposed, I said, "no." The attraction between us had died because I developed a very strong but temporary attraction to someone else a few years earlier - nothing happened and it was never acknowledged by me or that other person. Nor did I ever discuss it with my ex. However, the experience made me realise that I was no longer in love with my ex. I cared for him deeply at the time and loved him. But I realised that he was not what I wanted and we weren't on the same page anymore. Unfortunately, I didn't break up with him. We dragged on for a few years after his proposals (he asked again a few months after I refused him). Then, he reconnected with his ex and we broke up. He ended up marrying her later that year. I am now in an LDR with someone I met online - we've been together for over a year. However, I'm faced with the possiblity that I might never have children because time really is running out. If you break up. You will survive. He will survive. It might even be the catalyst that will motivate him to get his life back on track. Yes, relationships take hard work. But sometimes, when you hit the end of the road, you have to accept that you've given it all that you've got and have no more left to give. If you want marriage and kids and your boyfriend is not sure about either - best to make a break now while you still have the chance to achieve both. 10+ years is long enough. From what I've witnessed and experienced, there is never an ideal time for marriage or kids. There is only the feeling that it is the "right" time or not. Everything else is pretty much an excuse or rationalisation to make the other person accept a situation that they would rather not because the crux of it is that we are not ready and are not sure that the other person is the one we want - regardless of how many years we've been together. If you both want marriage and kids, physiology aside, you will make it happen, whether you can afford to or not. However, please don't drag this on for another 10 years. Otherwise you will self-sabotage your chance to marry and have children. You will both find happiness with someone else, just as my ex and I did. And you will give yourself the chance to really get to know someone before having kids with them, rather than trying to force the issue before either of you are ready.
jmjacobs31 Posted July 10, 2012 Posted July 10, 2012 your post is similar to my life. My ex and I were together for 12 years. I can honestly say I was not happy in the relationship for the past 7 years. I was not miserable, I was just content. He wasn't there for me emotionally and it finally started to take a toll on our sex life. He too like your bf has a lot of family issues he needs to deal with but even though we can afford to go to thearpy he wont. I often found myself asking if I even liked him anymore. He was the one to end things about 3 months ago and I like to called it my "blessing in disguise" I never would have had the balls to end the relationship with him as I really do love him but I know deep down inside we are not meant to be together. Now I am 31, single with no kids wishing we would have ended things sooner. This breakup has been the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with because I really wish we could have made it work. If you really don't see it working then I suggest ending it now, because its going to eventually end. At least now you still both have time to find new loves. I don't think you should feel guilty about leaving him if you do it the right way. Give him a reason so he can have closure. Good Luck. Even if this is something you want its still going to be extremely hard!
Samilia Posted July 11, 2012 Posted July 11, 2012 I wanted to provide an update. (It's going to be long!!) About a week ago I finally sat down with my boyfriend and started going over all of my feelings - especially my confusion towards the crush I developed and also my frustration with his lack of commitment over issues like kids. I discussed with him my lack of attraction. Basically, I rehashed this thread. We talked, and talked, and while it was so painful to tell him I wanted to leave him in the end I’ve decided to stay and fight. I came to this decision for several reasons – 1) I read a lot of threads here on LS. Lots of different breakup threads, the GIGs threads, I read and read. I noticed a common thread amongst a lot of conflicted dumpers was that they weren’t willing to put in the work to save their relationship and just wanted to chase after greener pastures. As much as I felt I was also ready to cut my ties, I wasn’t comfortable walking away without saying to myself “I did everything I could.” Because the honest truth is I haven’t. There’s a lot I can do to spice up our sex life, to reconnect with him, and there’s more ways we can continue to motivate each other to do better in life. I’m even strongly considering therapy, especially for my sexual issues. 2) He revealed that he’s willing to have children and wants them. This was a huge step forward. He also revealed he’s willing to try activities that I’m passionate about if it means keeping him in his life. In his opinion, it’s better to try something new that he may love than to be alone. I was convinced he was 100% against some of the things I wanted to do in life. 3) As far as the attraction issue, I stumbled upon a great article that pretty much described my feelings. The article was in response to a girl questioning her attraction to her boyfriend. The article weighed both options – staying and leaving. Under staying, the author recommended analyzing if there is ANYTHING you find attractive about your partner. Obviously if you find them repulsive you need to walk. But the article argued that compaitibility is what makes a great long term partnership and that chemistry fades over time. In the long run, it’s your compatibility that keeps you together. My boyfriend and I are very compatible on a number of things (we laugh at the same things, enjoy similar music tastes, we’re compatible on views of travelling, greater family issues, what we look for in friends – he has committed to creating a better home life (over the last month he has made more of an effort around the house, for example), he’s committed to finding work, and he’s committed to us finding a better sex life. So I’ve made my decision, and I’m taking things one day at a time. I’m not going to rush because I have a lot to work on from my own perspective. At the end of day – I felt I was leaving with unfinished business in this relationship. I couldn’t start a new relationship and feel equipped to deal with all the ups and downs they bring because I didn’t resolve problems in this one first. I already felt myself thinking things like: “well what if we tried X in the bedroom, and what if I tried X?” and I got excited at the thought of these things, and when I really started remembering why I find my boyfriend attractive I found it helped awakened some things. And I couldn’t walk away from that. So, we’re going to work on our issues, continue to talk and see what it goes. I know some of you will think I’m nuts for staying in a committed relationship so long, so young, but at the same time, I’m not going to throw away a good thing for nothing. Thanks for reading I’ll go back to lurking and reading now! I am glad you guys were able to talk. And try. 11 years is a long time.
Author Maddy1984 Posted July 13, 2012 Author Posted July 13, 2012 You know it's funny, some weeks I feel like I am going insane and others I feel better. This week has been better. I've come to a few conclusions about this whole thing, and myself - -I need therapy. I have a lot of emotional issues I need to work out. I've been blaming my bf for having emotional issues, and I've been trying to convince myself that I am a healed person, but I'm not. I have to figure out why I never seem happy with what I have. This is a pattern in many parts of my life - I hate some of our furniture, I dislike a lot of my clothes, I wish I went on more vacations, I wish I had more friends, etc. I need to figure out why I constantly do this to myself. I feel like if I can solve that I can avoid leaving a really great relationship. I also constantly worry about missing out on things - I hate buying clothes because I am always wondering if I can get a better deal at another store, I arrive early for appointments because I don't want to miss out on anything or be late, I always feel like my friends are leaving me out of things (this was often the case growing up because of my shyness, but my social life HAS improved, I just constantly fear that I'm a "loser" and not part of the "popular" circle). So I fear that I have just worked myself up to the point where I've convinced myself I'm missing out on a better guy - when in fact that may not be the case. -I can still do a lot more to spice up our sex life and kick start things. Starting this weekend. -I have to stop overthinking things. I've thought about little else. I need to re-focus on my day to day life in order to reconnect with things. I've got to get a handle on things (again THERAPY!) Case in point - this crush. I've worked him up in my mind to be the "perfect" guy. I have to stop that because he is basically a fictional person to me since I have no idea whta he's actually like. I know this is more and more of what I've said before. But I never fully believed before that I needed therapy. Now I accept that I do. It's been said all over these boards - I can't love someone else until I love me. And I don't love me. Thanks for letting me ramble again.
KatZee Posted July 13, 2012 Posted July 13, 2012 (edited) You know it's funny, some weeks I feel like I am going insane and others I feel better. This week has been better. I've come to a few conclusions about this whole thing, and myself - -I need therapy. I have a lot of emotional issues I need to work out. I've been blaming my bf for having emotional issues, and I've been trying to convince myself that I am a healed person, but I'm not. I have to figure out why I never seem happy with what I have. This is a pattern in many parts of my life - I hate some of our furniture, I dislike a lot of my clothes, I wish I went on more vacations, I wish I had more friends, etc. I need to figure out why I constantly do this to myself. I feel like if I can solve that I can avoid leaving a really great relationship. I also constantly worry about missing out on things - I hate buying clothes because I am always wondering if I can get a better deal at another store, I arrive early for appointments because I don't want to miss out on anything or be late, I always feel like my friends are leaving me out of things (this was often the case growing up because of my shyness, but my social life HAS improved, I just constantly fear that I'm a "loser" and not part of the "popular" circle). So I fear that I have just worked myself up to the point where I've convinced myself I'm missing out on a better guy - when in fact that may not be the case. -I can still do a lot more to spice up our sex life and kick start things. Starting this weekend. -I have to stop overthinking things. I've thought about little else. I need to re-focus on my day to day life in order to reconnect with things. I've got to get a handle on things (again THERAPY!) Case in point - this crush. I've worked him up in my mind to be the "perfect" guy. I have to stop that because he is basically a fictional person to me since I have no idea whta he's actually like. I know this is more and more of what I've said before. But I never fully believed before that I needed therapy. Now I accept that I do. It's been said all over these boards - I can't love someone else until I love me. And I don't love me. Thanks for letting me ramble again. This is all great, and I'm glad your recognizing your own issues in life and taking steps to fix them, however I have to still agree with Wilson. You're still kicking tires. At the end of the day, once you've solved your own issues, then what? Do you think you're going to magically become attracted to your partner? If you don't feel it, you don't feel it. And it won't matter if you get into therapy, or any of these other things. You just don't have that THING that keeps couples together long-term. (happy and satisfied on that physical level.) It's been a long time and that's why I see the hesitancy to leave, but you are going to seriously regret it years down the line when you're then too old to have kids because you were waffling around doing this back and forth dance. There is too much I agree with on here. If he was IT for you, it wouldn't be this difficult. If he was IT for you, you wouldn't constantly be going back and forth. From your posts you've already tried spicing things up before and you still weren't into it. What I think is going to happen here is that you're going to grow into yourself, you may address and fix your own issues, but you're still going to be missing that thing. And you're still going to be attracted to other people, you're still going to be drawn to other people, and eventually I think this is going to lead to an affair... emotional or otherwise. Your guy just doesn't make you happy nor does he fulfill you on that level. It's truly not fair to him to keep him. Put yourself in his shoes or flip the rolls around. Do you think you would enjoy being with a person who felt no attraction to you? Who was with you out of mere obligation and/or guilt of hurting you? No. You'd want to be with someone who worshiped every inch of your body. Who had no problems expressing his love, and his attraction for you. There would be passion, excitement, and you'd be fulfilled. He deserves to find that person and you deserve to be with someone who fulfills you. Edited July 13, 2012 by KatZee
Author Maddy1984 Posted July 13, 2012 Author Posted July 13, 2012 Thanks KatZee. I do have to fully admit - however, that so far our attempts to spice it up have been pretty lacklustre. There's a lot more we can do, even simple things, to bring the spark back. (I know I've said I've questioned whether I've ever been attracted to him, I know I have been and know I can be if we can figure out how to recharge ourselves). I really think that I am holding myself back. I have a lot of unresolved emotions about how I view myself as a sexual person. My struggles with painful sex have left me feeling pretty crappy as a female at times. My boyfriend has been nothing but supportive. I also think a big part of this is I'm still working to figure out how to enjoy sex. My problem is going to follow me to any relationship I enter (I have vaginismus along with a couple other issues). I think it's worth it to try and see if this one - a good one - can fulfill me if I just open my mind a little more and try more. I've read a lot of threads on this board - and so many are guys getting dumped by women who suddenly don't love them anymore. Or go looknig for the next thrill. Or are of people tempted to cheat just because they're too lazy to fix their relationship. I don't want to be one of those people. I want to make sure I am doing my best.
Sameold Posted July 13, 2012 Posted July 13, 2012 My ex left me after 4 years never even telling me things were wrong. In fact the day before the split we were holding hands in a park eating ice cream. She has quite obviously (although she denies it) developed feelings for a guy at work who I know was flirting with her.... Your thread strikes a cord with me so let me ask you something, or rather tell you too. When I started dating my gf it was absolutely awesome, the thrill of dates, sex, seeing each other every single time was a buzz etc but eventually after moving to a strange new town everything changed, things got hard. Our friends and family were miles away and she started a new job with new people. All the feelings she had for me at the start faded away because of the circumstances and she obviously in my opinion sub-conciously was trying to replace them with someone new. I digress...but what I'm asking you is what will happen when you get with this guy at work and move further down the line? Your relationship will go through the same cycles, research and science provides this evidence. My gf never even bothered to try and work on things with me, just chucked what was essentially a damn good relationship just suffering with huge stress of commuting, work and a suffering social side. Then it occured to me, I was always happy just to be with her, screw the rest. So I started thinking, some people just can't be happy with "their lot" in this world we live in which ultimately is why some people get divorced, cheat etc. Obviously sometimes this happens for good reason but then GIG syndrome is completely different. Everyone thinks things could be different or "better". Ultimately in my opinion I think it's how you value a relationship...11 years? Well you better be sure, or are you just thinking the GIG? It might be for 12 months but 11 years down the line again? How do you value your relationship? People say exs are exs for a reason, well maybe. But at some point in a long relationship too often people never remind themselves why bfs and gfs are bfs and gfs for a reason.
Author Maddy1984 Posted August 8, 2012 Author Posted August 8, 2012 I’ve done so much soul searching lately. Therapy has beengood, but I’ve had to stop because I hit the limit already on what my healthinsurance covers and we cannot afford to pay out of pocket. Unfortunately, eventhe reduced rate was too expensive. But the few sessions I’ve had at leastallowed me to really look inside and figure a few things out. To those who have been dumpers – how did you do it? How didyou work up the courage to end it? I don’t know if I have it in me. I avoidconfrontation all the time. I put off telling people bad news, or I avoidupsetting people. I don’t like it. I’m a chicken and a coward. I’m going to ruin my boyfriend’s life. He has few friendsoutside of me. He has very low self-esteem right now. He has no financialresources. I am his world. How do I take that away from him? I know it needs to be done. Come in here and berate me allyou want for dragging him along, but this is the most difficult decision I’veever made in my life, and I am terrified. How do you break someone's heart?
Sav Posted August 8, 2012 Posted August 8, 2012 I’ve done so much soul searching lately. Therapy has beengood, but I’ve had to stop because I hit the limit already on what my healthinsurance covers and we cannot afford to pay out of pocket. Unfortunately, eventhe reduced rate was too expensive. But the few sessions I’ve had at leastallowed me to really look inside and figure a few things out. To those who have been dumpers – how did you do it? How didyou work up the courage to end it? I don’t know if I have it in me. I avoidconfrontation all the time. I put off telling people bad news, or I avoidupsetting people. I don’t like it. I’m a chicken and a coward. I’m going to ruin my boyfriend’s life. He has few friendsoutside of me. He has very low self-esteem right now. He has no financialresources. I am his world. How do I take that away from him? I know it needs to be done. Come in here and berate me allyou want for dragging him along, but this is the most difficult decision I’veever made in my life, and I am terrified. How do you break someone's heart? It's never an easy job no matter where you stand. However, you're doing your bf a disservice here if you're going to continue being with him without having any feelings. Truth is, just tell him you have to talk (that will prepare him), and tell him face to face. It's what he deserves after such a long relationship. He might hate you at first but down the road, he will understand and appreciate your honesty and bravery. Do what is right, hurt him no further
KatZee Posted August 8, 2012 Posted August 8, 2012 I’ve done so much soul searching lately. Therapy has beengood, but I’ve had to stop because I hit the limit already on what my healthinsurance covers and we cannot afford to pay out of pocket. Unfortunately, eventhe reduced rate was too expensive. But the few sessions I’ve had at leastallowed me to really look inside and figure a few things out. To those who have been dumpers – how did you do it? How didyou work up the courage to end it? I don’t know if I have it in me. I avoidconfrontation all the time. I put off telling people bad news, or I avoidupsetting people. I don’t like it. I’m a chicken and a coward. I’m going to ruin my boyfriend’s life. He has few friendsoutside of me. He has very low self-esteem right now. He has no financialresources. I am his world. How do I take that away from him? I know it needs to be done. Come in here and berate me allyou want for dragging him along, but this is the most difficult decision I’veever made in my life, and I am terrified. How do you break someone's heart? Yep. I saw it coming. But you can't beat yourself up about it. Breaking up with someone is never easy, regardless of how many friends they have or how secure or not they are. Someone or both are always going to be hurt. There's never a good time to do it. If you know it needs to be done, then just sit him down, and have the conversation. Just know that even though you're breaking his heart at the moment, you're allowing him to be free to find the woman who WILL love him fully and will love sex and everything about him. Think of it as setting him free to find better for himself.
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