xOM's BS Emailed me...

[YellowShark]

Yup, your therapist sucks if they advocate keeping the other betrayed spouse in the dark.

 

I admire the OM's wife for kicking her loser husband out. A 5 year affair is a LONG TIME to lie and decieve one's partner.

 

Your wife doesn't deserve you in the LEAST.

 

I have to agree. 5 years is a LONG time. I could never ever forgive a WS for a 5-year affair. That's 5 years of lies and betrayal. For 5 years she looked you in the eyes, lied.. and then snuck off to bang another guy. Sorry, just too much for me to accept her back or ever trust her again.

 

Cudo's to you SomedayDig for being able to get over that. I couldn't.

 

Best of luck.

[SomedayDig]

Yup, your therapist sucks if they advocate keeping the other betrayed spouse in the dark.

 

I admire the OM's wife for kicking her loser husband out. A 5 year affair is a LONG TIME to lie and decieve one's partner.

 

Your wife doesn't deserve you in the LEAST.

 

She's told me so every day. And last night when she finally told her sister, it was the first thing she said to her. As for the OM's BS, I honestly believe she booted him because he lied. Period. In her first email to me she said she was going to try to "keep her family together", but...well, now we see what happens when the WS does nothing except try to cover their a__. This guy has had over 2 months to come clean. He hasn't because he's a coward.

 

I have to agree. 5 years is a LONG time. I could never ever forgive a WS for a 5-year affair. That's 5 years of lies and betrayal. For 5 years she looked you in the eyes, lied.. and then snuck off to bang another guy. Sorry, just too much for me to accept her back or ever trust her again.

 

Cudo's to you SomedayDig for being able to get over that. I couldn't.

 

Best of luck.

 

FIVE YEARS. I can't tell you how many times as we talk I bring that up. FIVE YEARS she would go see him and come home to me. I am not gonna say these past 9 weeks have been easy in the f'ng least. However, I'm a spiritual guy and I believe in karma both good and bad. I may one day be able to forgive her but I'll never forget and as you have said on many occasions the marriage will never be the same. We both talk about that. How we are NOT the same couple. That in essence, she divorced me FIVE YEARS ago. That's the reality. That's the honest truth. I have looked at myself in the mirror many times and wondered where this strength I have comes from.

 

Thank you for your best wishes.

[SandieBeach]

Yup, your therapist sucks if they advocate keeping the other betrayed spouse in the dark.

 

I admire the OM's wife for kicking her loser husband out. A 5 year affair is a LONG TIME to lie and decieve one's partner.

 

Your wife doesn't deserve you in the LEAST.

 

A therapist's obligation is only to his/her patient. Unless the patient is going to commit a crime or do something to himself/herself, the therapist has no legal or ethical obligation to encourage telling the OW/OM about the affair because "it's the right thing to do" or even worse, "you should tell because wouldn't YOU want to know?"

 

To your other point, I happen to agree that a 5 year affair is a long, long time to lie, and SomedayDig, I am really so sorry to be a Debbie-downer here, but sounds like your wife is doing the things she's doing because she knows how you will react and what ticks you off. How much true remorse is there, it's still too early to tell, even if she's implanting a GPS chip in her behind so that you can track her at all times!

 

I am sooooo pulling for you, Someday, you have no idea. Mostly because I want to believe that some spouses truly feel remorseful and realize that what they did was just horrifying. I want your wife (and my husband ) to be those spouses, but you and I are both still in baby stages of reconciliation. Keep doing what you are doing - show empathy to your wife and give her credit for what she is doing right (I'm not an advocate of mistrust and jealousy, though I am practicing it these days), but be realistic in your expectations too.

[SomedayDig]

If everyone could see her eyes when my wife talks to me about how she betrayed me, you would see the remorse and shame that she carries. I do believe that she is really trying. I do have tons of empathy for her and that helps. Sandie, you and I are so far in the beginning that it can be a little scary to notice. My wife even acknowledged just last night that it might take a year or more for me to really begin to trust her. She said she will do all she can to help me. I believe her.

 

I am pulling for you, too. And all who are walking this path of reconciliation.

[96nole]

If everyone could see her eyes when my wife talks to me about how she betrayed me, you would see the remorse and shame that she carries. I do believe that she is really trying. I do have tons of empathy for her and that helps. Sandie, you and I are so far in the beginning that it can be a little scary to notice. My wife even acknowledged just last night that it might take a year or more for me to really begin to trust her. She said she will do all she can to help me. I believe her.

 

I am pulling for you, too. And all who are walking this path of reconciliation.

 

Unfortunately, my wife said the same thing. She even said she would understand if I didn't want to have sex with her for a year and she was prepared for that. She said she was willing to do whatever it took.

 

10 months later I find out she is cheating again with the same dirtbag. And then tried to blame me for it. Tomorrow is the 1st anniversary of DDay 1. My divorce should be final in a few weeks.

 

I sincerely hope you both have very different results.

 

PS. She didn't even have to wait a year to have sex with me.

[SomedayDig]

96...brother, that's a tough story. Wow. Time will tell with my marriage. The blinders are off. I've already told her she gets ONE chance only. Anything close to an affair, I don't care if its just flirting sh_t. I'm gone. One day at a time.

[96nole]

96...brother, that's a tough story. Wow. Time will tell with my marriage. The blinders are off. I've already told her she gets ONE chance only. Anything close to an affair, I don't care if its just flirting sh_t. I'm gone. One day at a time.

 

The bolded part reminds me of a phone conversation I had with the STBXW a few months ago. This is after I threw her out for the second time. I was telling her that since the dirtbag barely works, he could go to her bank anytime to talk to her. That I didn't have a chance since I actually have a job. She then said that since I threw her out and got a lawyer so fast that she didn't have a chance. I told her that last year, after the first time, was her chance. How many chances was she expecting? Unbelievable. But this is also the person who thought going to the beach and making out with the dirtbag wasn't breaking the sanctity of marriage.

[SomedayDig]

I hear ya 96!

 

As of today, no email from the xOM's wife. I mean, I gave her more information in 2 paragraphs than the xOM can ever imagine. That's a lot of info to digest in one sitting considering he's not told her hardly anything. No details. Nothing.

[Sadwife37]

SomedayDig, I have so much hope for you and your wife. I hope she will fully comit to you going forward and that you can have a great future together and move past this betrayal. I am currently going through a similar betrayal.

So far I have made somewhat different choices - I haven't told the OW H. I am torn about doing this. Reading your posts have helped me to see both side of that option. Somedays I feel that I need to tell him all the details since I believe he has the right to know. Other days I feel I should focus on me and my family and leave her out. Most people in my life don't know about my husband's affair and that could all change if I tell her husband. There is a possibility of a lot of extra bad fallout for me and I am suffering so badly right now, I don't want to do anything that will make my days harder. She also has 2 young children and I worry about the guilt over tearing apart their home. Reading this has certainly helped me see how telling him may be best. I have a lot to consider. I don't want to act out of vengeance but I do want to make the right choice. Your choice do seen to have been right for you and the situation.

Knowing the OW is getting what she deserves would definiy be healing for me. I know she has lied and cheated and has gotten away with no consequences. Like you, I know I would get joy from justice being done. I do also know that her H has the right to know. Lots to consider.

I really wish you peace and happiness:). Take comfort in knowing that you are not suffering alone and your spouse was only one of MANY who made this mistake. It sounds like your wife truly loves you.

[2long]

FIVE YEARS. I can't tell you how many times as we talk I bring that up. FIVE YEARS she would go see him and come home to me. I am not gonna say these past 9 weeks have been easy in the f'ng least. However, I'm a spiritual guy and I believe in karma both good and bad. I may one day be able to forgive her but I'll never forget and as you have said on many occasions the marriage will never be the same. We both talk about that. How we are NOT the same couple. That in essence, she divorced me FIVE YEARS ago. That's the reality. That's the honest truth. I have looked at myself in the mirror many times and wondered where this strength I have comes from.

 

Thank you for your best wishes.

 

A favorite bumper sticker: "Sorry, my karma just ran over your dogma."

 

My W's affair was 11 years. I can tell you from experience that 9 weeks is far short of the time it's going 2 take you 2 recover from a 5 year affair. I do believe that her remorse is going 2 help considerably, but this will take YEARS 2 recover from, not weeks or months.

 

-ol' 2long

[SomedayDig]

Just got confirmation that the xOM's BS is filing for divorce. Oh, well.

[96nole]

How did you find out? Did the xOM's BS tell you?

[SomedayDig]

If you remember, my friend "Paul" went to college with the xOM. Their families have been close since before I came into the picture. Anyway, he sent me an email letting me know that she was filing. According to the email, she's dealt with the xOM like a pitbull. Which is what he deserves IMO. If he had been honest with his BS, maybe she would have been more willing to work on their marriage. However, he chose to lie and continue to betray. He lost. My W told me the truth. Yes, she TT'd me the first few weeks but when she saw what it was doing to us, she fully opened up and committed to US. Since that day, our relationship has gotten much better. Does that make it easy to still live with what she did? Not really, because I now know the full spectrum of the A. It isn't easy knowing that, but because I have that knowledge, I have the puzzle pieces. I can put it together myself now. From the first day they met until the day I caught her. She wrote me a timeline of everything and has been brutally honest about their sexual times and the ego feeding that she sought. His BS didn't get that. All she got were continued lies and self preserving bullsh_t.

 

And yes...I still feel good that justice was served.

[2long]

Hi Some:

 

Be wary of attempts by the OM 2 re-connect with your W.

 

-ol' 2long

[SomedayDig]

Hi Some:

 

Be wary of attempts by the OM 2 re-connect with your W.

 

-ol' 2long

 

Ohhhhh...I warned her about that last week when I got word that the xOM and his BS weren't "doing well at all". I told my W that she needed to be on guard for him trying in any way to contact her now that he's out of the house. Now that the BS filed for divorce yesterday, that makes it even that much more of a possibility. I told my W to be wary of any kind of fishing he might do. Could be a text that just says "Hi", but that I don't put it past him to do something. She told me that if he did anything that she would not respond until she showed me and then WE would deal with an appropriate response. For me that means a little drive in the car to meet the guy to follow up what I told him on the phone when I confronted him on Dday. "If you attempt to contact my wife in any way, shape or form, I will kill you." While at this point in my life I wouldn't actually kill him, I most certainly would make sure that he got the full brunt of my words. I'd be willing to do a night in jail for that should he attempt to contact my W in any way.

[SomedayDig]

***Just one of those things***

 

I literally just got an email from my wife with a confirmation of a book she bought for our Nooks. "His Needs Her Needs". I never once told her of this one. And I am elated that she just did this on her own.

[Artie Lang]

And yes...I still feel good that justice was served.

 

me too(ringing my hands together).

 

although, i do feel bad for his wife.

 

 

Dig....."you're the man!"

Edited May 11, 2012 by Artie Lang

[2long]

***Just one of those things***

 

I literally just got an email from my wife with a confirmation of a book she bought for our Nooks. "His Needs Her Needs". I never once told her of this one. And I am elated that she just did this on her own.

 

I have that book. I do NOT recommend the Harley methods.

 

The Harleys believe that it is YOUR responsibility 2 MAKE your spouse love you, and likewise it's her responsibility 2 make you love her. Also, you need 2 meet her emotional needs as a DUTY. Likewise for her.

 

The ultimate goal of the Harley methods is 2 MAKE you "fall in love, stay in love" for life, as if the chemical high of romantic love can or should be sustained indefinitely. It can't! At least, not without a lifetime of game-playing, acting, and manipulation.

 

I recommend Frank Pittman's "Grow Up! How Taking Responsibility can Make You a Happy Adult."

 

I don't have my copy of it here, but his chapter on marriage is EXCELLENT. Here's are a few excerpts about romantic love:

 

Frank Pittman:

Quote:

People who think they can't endure life unless they are "in love" are dangerous. After thirty-seven years in the trenches of family therapy and thirty-seven years in a totally committed, totally realistic marriage, I have come to see "romantic love" as an absurd, albeit delicious, crisis-induced escape from sanity, a narcissistic intoxication with no relationship to loving

 

 

Quote:

Despite it all, if one is unpartnered and alone, romantic love can be a resolution to loneliness as magically ecstatic and lifesaving as Robinson Crusoe's spotting of the footsteps in the sand. While it will not last, the fact that it was once there and that memories of it can be conjured up from time to time makes a resultant marriage feel special and right. Of course misery (and/or an extensive sexual and romantic supporting cast) can result if the partners are so foolish as to require continuation of their romantic high for a lifetime.

 

 

Quote:

John Gottman finds in What Predicts Divorce that long-term marital satisfaction comes from factors such as companionship and friendship, and the ability to provide support, validation, and understanding, rather than passion and in-loveness. It seems to me dangerous for people to stake their happiness in life on romantic love. They are ecstatic when they experience that most engulfing flight from reality, but miserable when they don't. Romance can pull you out of a funk, but it has far more side effects than Prozac.

 

-ol' 2long

[2long]

Frank Pittman also wrote "Private Lies" which is about infidelity. You might want 2 look in2 it, but I think Grow Up is more relevant 2 your current si2ation.

 

-ol' 2long

[Ninja'sHusband]

I have that book. I do NOT recommend the Harley methods.

 

The Harleys believe that it is YOUR responsibility 2 MAKE your spouse love you, and likewise it's her responsibility 2 make you love her. Also, you need 2 meet her emotional needs as a DUTY. Likewise for her.

 

The ultimate goal of the Harley methods is 2 MAKE you "fall in love, stay in love" for life, as if the chemical high of romantic love can or should be sustained indefinitely. It can't! At least, not without a lifetime of game-playing, acting, and manipulation.

 

I recommend Frank Pittman's "Grow Up! How Taking Responsibility can Make You a Happy Adult."

 

I don't have my copy of it here, but his chapter on marriage is EXCELLENT. Here's are a few excerpts about romantic love:

 

 

 

-ol' 2long

 

I've been pretty big on the Harleys and their methods, but I can also see a lot of validity in the quotes that you gave (which aren't quoted in my post)

 

I never believed in a magical soul mate kinda love in the first place and thought the idea was foolish.

[SomedayDig]

Artie...muahahahaahaaa. (rubbing hands together)

 

Yes, I do feel horrible for what his wife and children are going through. Hell, my friend "Paul", the one who emailed me told me he wasn't even allowed at his daughters birthday party. That said, I do know they both come from "well to do" families, so she obviously has a very strong support system. I'm curious as to the fallout on his family only because his father was the mayor for like 15 years of a very large, very popular city in America. Oh, the shame of it all...lol To hell with him.

 

2long...thank you for that. I will certainly look into that book as well as the excerpts are great commentary. As for the Harley's, one thing my wife has been consistent about is that the affair was HER fault 100%. She even argued with our MC once because the C was saying that everything in marriage is 50/50. My W looked at her and said, "Does it look like he's benefitted at all from MY affair?!" And that was that. I think my W will read between the lines and decipher what she needs from that or any book. I was just happy to see that she is doing stuff on her own.

[Ninja'sHusband]

Artie...muahahahaahaaa. (rubbing hands together)

 

Yes, I do feel horrible for what his wife and children are going through. Hell, my friend "Paul", the one who emailed me told me he wasn't even allowed at his daughters birthday party. That said, I do know they both come from "well to do" families, so she obviously has a very strong support system. I'm curious as to the fallout on his family only because his father was the mayor for like 15 years of a very large, very popular city in America. Oh, the shame of it all...lol To hell with him.

 

2long...thank you for that. I will certainly look into that book as well as the excerpts are great commentary. As for the Harley's, one thing my wife has been consistent about is that the affair was HER fault 100%. She even argued with our MC once because the C was saying that everything in marriage is 50/50. My W looked at her and said, "Does it look like he's benefitted at all from MY affair?!" And that was that. I think my W will read between the lines and decipher what she needs from that or any book. I was just happy to see that she is doing stuff on her own.

SD, to hear that your W is saying stuff like that after a 5 year A just blows my mind. I was really worried for you when you first came here...but now I'm actually jealous:mad:

[SomedayDig]

NH, I have to tell ya brother...the ordeal you've been going through has made me sad at times. To read how hard you tried to work things out only to have an uncooperative W has been difficult, to say the least. Really nothing more I can say except, I'm sorry that happened to you. You seem like a good guy and it seems like if you lived on my block, we'd hang out for a BBQ and some beers. I consider myself lucky that my wife "got it". I think it was the night I walked out of the house and she knew I just might never come back. She saw what she was losing (if I may say of myself) and that struck a chord with her. THAT was the end of the TT. It was from there that we have been able to move on the same road together as a team. I ain't saying I still don't ask questions or have bad days. I have plenty of both. Yet, most of my questions have been answered and the bad days seem to be spaced out a bit more. Doesn't mean I don't think about it and we certainly talk about it every single day as a way of bonding and reconciling.

[2long]

I've been pretty big on the Harleys and their methods, but I can also see a lot of validity in the quotes that you gave (which aren't quoted in my post)

 

I never believed in a magical soul mate kinda love in the first place and thought the idea was foolish.

 

Caveat: I was booted from MB after 8 years there (and coaching with them) for posting those quotes. No jive!

 

Another favorite quote of mine about romantic love. Stronger than Pittman, if that's possible, LOL!:

 

From M. Scott Peck's book "The Road Less Traveled"

 

Of all the misconceptions about love the most powerful and pervasive is the belief that "falling in love" is love or at least one of the manifestations of love. It is a potent misconception, because falling in love is subjectively experienced in a very powerful fashion as an experience of love.

 

Falling in love is not an act of will. It is not a conscious choice. No matter how open to or eager for it we may be, the experience may still elude us. Contrarily, the experience may capture us at times when we are definitely not seeking it, when it is inconvenient and undesirable. We are as likely to fall in love with someone with whom we are obviously ill matched as with someone more suitable. Indeed, we may not even like or admire the object of our passion, yet, try as we might, we may not be able to fall in love with a person whom we deeply respect and with whom a deep relationship would be in all ways desirable.

 

This is not to say that the experience of falling in love is immune to discipline. Psychiatrists, for instance, frequently fall in love with their patients, just as their patients fall in love with them, yet out of duty to the patient and their role they are usually able to abort the collapse of their ego boundaries and give up the person as a romantic object. The struggle and suffering of the discipline involved may be enormous. But discipline and will can only control the experience; they cannot create it. We can choose how to respond to the experience of falling of love, but we cannot choose the experience itself.

 

Love is not a feeling. Many, many people possessing a feeling of love and even acting in response to that feeling act in all manner of unloving and destructive ways. It is not only possible but necessary for a loving person to avoid acting on feelings of love. I may meet a woman who strongly attracts me, whom I feel like loving, but because it would be destructive to my marriage to have an affair, I will say vocally or in the silence of my heart, "I feel like loving you, but I am not going to". My feelings of love may be unbounded, but my capacity to be loving is limited. I therefore must choose the person on whom to focus my capacity to love, toward whom to direct my will to love.

 

True love is not a feeling by which we are overwhelmed. It is a committed, thoughtful decision. Genuine love implies commitment and the exercise of wisdom. When we are concerned for someone's spiritual growth, we know that a lack of commitment is likely to be harmful and that commitment to that person is probably necessary for us to manifest our concern effectively.

 

Genuine love is volitional rather than emotional. The person who truly loves does so because of a decision to love. This person has made a commitment to be loving whether or not the loving feeling is present. If it is, so much the better; but if it isn't, the commitment to love, the will to love, still stands and is still exercised.

 

The common tendency to confuse love with feelings of love allows people all manner of self-deception. It is clear that there may be a self-serving quality in this tendency to confuse love with the feeling of love; it is easy and not at all unpleasant to find evidence of love in one's feelings. It may be difficult and painful to search for evidence of love in one's actions. But because true love is an act of will that often transcends ephemeral feelings of love, it is correct to say, "Love is as love does".

 

 

In view of this, it's easier 2 understand the oft-heard statement from a wayward: "I love you but I'm not in love with you." They're ac2ally telling a truth that's deeper than they realize (or even are, in that state of mind). They're describing the deeper "love as a choice" they might still hold for their spouse, because of their his2ry 2gether, or their family, or the "needs" their spouse can meet but the AP can't.

 

They could just as truthfully say 2 the AP: "I'm in love with you but I don't love you." But, though equally accurate, that would kind of spoil the moment, rather than invigorate it.

 

-ol' 2long

[findingnemo]

2long...this is great stuff! While I haven't ever read anything like that before, I always felt like the whole falling in love thing was a curse rather than a blessing for me. It seemed contradictory somehow to "feel" love for someone who just wasn't right for me. But I believed that those feelings were an indicator of something important and went with it. Funny how my culture doesn't place such a huge importance on love at first sight, or even second sight. Maybe I need to get back to basics so that I don't make any more mistakes.

 

SDD, I like your W. Yes she did something bad but she is an example of real remorse. She seems to be the kind of person who thinks clearly about what she wants and goes for it. If it turns out to be a mistake, she again thinks clearly and changes paths. While the length of the A is disturbing, it goes to show that she isn't a serial cheater. She obviously has more allegiance to you based upon her defense of you to the therapist, than to anybody else. She owns her actions and is willing to do whatever it takes. So she not only tells you that she's sorry but she "acts" in ways to ensure the R is repaired/restored.

 

*Nemo anxiously praying that SDD and W make it!!!*