A general comment on how social status seems to play into date&mate choices.

[Mrlonelyone]

This is just a general comment that I think will help allot of people. Such a thing might be a good journal entry but who really looks at those?

 

The basic idea is that the social status of a person has a very great influence over the quality of the mate they should expect to get. This is true for males and females.

 

For the most part people do this on an unconscious level. You just know from various social cues who goes with who. Everything from educational levels to manner and style of dress to appearance speaks to a persons social class. Then within their class the rank they have.

 

To see this in a very clear way think of a situation where just who's over who is really clear like in the military. They actually have the rules written down about this. It is against regulations in many armies for commissioned officers to date enlisted persons. Then within the ranks I know from relatives that people who differ greatly in rank dating is not viewed positively and careers suffer for it.

 

For most of us it's not that clear just which man is the Master Chief Sargeant and which woman is Major Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan. We have to sort of guess what our rank is and feel it out. It's not on our sleeve. Yet the same sort of rules apply.

 

How does this apply to common problems seen here on LS?

 

The answer to most peoples dating problems is to work on their real life social networks. Not FB not Google+ not any of those. Work on meeting people with common interest and growing your social circles as much as possible.

 

That means do not go out there thinking " I am going to meet the love of my life". Go out thinking I am going to meet new and interesting people. I am going to get to know some of those people. I am going to become friends with a subset of those people. I am going to make lots of friends." In this natural process of making friends you will increase your social status.

 

This is independent of how you look and to many accepted cues of social class. Some of the most socially valueable people are the ones who are well connected to many levels. People want to know, and be the mate of people who have such connections. People want to gain or at least not loose status by way of their chosen mate.

 

If you have ever seen a person who was not that attractive with a very attractive partner and wondered how...that is how. That man/woman has the social status needed to get that physically attractive mate. That said, I observe that the longest lasting relationships I know of had people who were matched in terms of social status/skill and attractiveness.

 

TL;DR: The way out of being single and lonely is improving ones social status. The problems I see here mirror those I have seen in others and dealt with in my own real life. Improving your real life social networks will get you dates and catch you a mate without special effort to do so. Online dating and FB can enhance but not replace real life getting to know lots of people. If nothing else, those friends will try to fix you up and be company if/when things don't work out.

Edited May 9, 2012 by Mrlonelyone

[ThaWholigan]

I think there is credence in your theory. I have had an increased amount of interest from girls and people in general whenever I have expanded my social circle somehow.

 

You can do this consciously of course, but it's probably easier if you have a genuine interest in people and actually like improving peoples lives simply by being present. When I go out, I don't think about meeting girls. Sometimes I speculate if I will see a girl I think is sexy (99% of the time I do ), but generally I go to have fun with company, even if I originally came alone.

 

I am lucky in that despite the fact I'm pretty much introverted, I have a very large social network and my extended network even includes a number of very well known people in my city. Much of that is because of my talents admittedly.

 

Sometimes just take up activities out of the blue if you think it's interesting, and make friends out of it.

[Mrlonelyone]

Sometimes just take up activities out of the blue if you think it's interesting, and make friends out of it.

 

Exactly. There is no better way to meet a new prospect than to meet lots of new people.

[Pierre]

This is just a general comment that I think will help allot of people. Such a thing might be a good journal entry but who really looks at those?

 

The basic idea is that the social status of a person has a very great influence over the quality of the mate they should expect to get. This is true for males and females.

 

For the most part people do this on an unconscious level. You just know from various social cues who goes with who. Everything from educational levels to manner and style of dress to appearance speaks to a persons social class. Then within their class the rank they have.

 

To see this in a very clear way think of a situation where just who's over who is really clear like in the military. They actually have the rules written down about this. It is against regulations in many armies for commissioned officers to date enlisted persons. Then within the ranks I know from relatives that people who differ greatly in rank dating is not viewed positively and careers suffer for it.

 

For most of us it's not that clear just which man is the Master Chief Sargeant and which woman is Major Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan. We have to sort of guess what our rank is and feel it out. It's not on our sleeve. Yet the same sort of rules apply.

 

How does this apply to common problems seen here on LS?

 

The answer to most peoples dating problems is to work on their real life social networks. Not FB not Google+ not any of those. Work on meeting people with common interest and growing your social circles as much as possible.

 

That means do not go out there thinking " I am going to meet the love of my life". Go out thinking I am going to meet new and interesting people. I am going to get to know some of those people. I am going to become friends with a subset of those people. I am going to make lots of friends." In this natural process of making friends you will increase your social status.

 

This is independent of how you look and to many accepted cues of social class. Some of the most socially valueable people are the ones who are well connected to many levels. People want to know, and be the mate of people who have such connections. People want to gain or at least not loose status by way of their chosen mate.

 

If you have ever seen a person who was not that attractive with a very attractive partner and wondered how...that is how. That man/woman has the social status needed to get that physically attractive mate. That said, I observe that the longest lasting relationships I know of had people who were matched in terms of social status/skill and attractiveness.

 

TL;DR: The way out of being single and lonely is improving ones social status. The problems I see here mirror those I have seen in others and dealt with in my own real life. Improving your real life social networks will get you dates and catch you a mate without special effort to do so. Online dating and FB can enhance but not replace real life getting to know lots of people. If nothing else, those friends will try to fix you up and be company if/when things don't work out.

 

Most of the time your family of origin (FOO) and economic status determines who you date.

[threebyfate]

Completely agree with your suggestion about meeting new people IRL through expansion of social network. The more people you meet, the more choice you have for potential partners.

 

I disagree with the status aspect. While there are definitively people who are drawn towards socially popular people, these same sycophantic types will ditch you if popularity wanes.

 

Instead, the more exposure to people, the more likely you'll be able to learn social cues and grow your social confidence in that manner.

[Mrlonelyone]

Most of the time your family of origin (FOO) and economic status determines who you date.

 

Yeah allot of times it does. For many people they will not date anyone their family would find unacceptable, then their close friends. This is so no matter how much they personally like their date. They would not risk those long term proven bonds for it.

[Mrlonelyone]

Completely agree with your suggestion about meeting new people IRL through expansion of social network. The more people you meet, the more choice you have for potential partners.

 

I disagree with the status aspect. While there are definitively people who are drawn towards socially popular people, these same sycophantic types will ditch you if popularity wanes.

 

Instead, the more exposure to people, the more likely you'll be able to learn social cues and grow your social confidence in that manner.

I understand what you are saying. Sycophantic, consciously social climbing people are not attractive.

 

What I am trying to describe is a almost completely unconscious behavior. It comes from that lower "reptilian" part of your brain. People do it with little or no real thought.

 

i.e. A well educated, attractive woman with a good job will not date a uneducated, deformed bum. A less extreme example is that a highly educated well employed attractive man will not knowingly marry a professional woman of the night...even if she is attractive. It would be socially frowned upon and hurt his prospects.

[threebyfate]

I understand what you are saying. Sycophantic, consciously social climbing people are not attractive.

 

What I am trying to describe is a almost completely unconscious behavior. It comes from that lower "reptilian" part of your brain. People do it with little or no real thought.

 

i.e. A well educated, attractive woman with a good job will not date a uneducated, deformed bum. A less extreme example is that a highly educated well employed attractive man will not knowingly marry a professional woman of the night...even if she is attractive. It would be socially frowned upon and hurt his prospects.

Mayhaps a varying perspective on this? That people seek familiarity, where like behaviours create comfort and like social cues engender ease of contact and communication.

 

As an example, my husband and I come from very similar backgrounds which include similarity in family function and dynamics. From the first minute I met him, there was subconscious and conscious trust and comfort since he gave off the right cues.

[Woggle]

What about those of us who couldn't care less about social status? As long as I have the money to the things I want I couldn't care less what people think.

[ThaWholigan]

Mayhaps a varying perspective on this? That people seek familiarity, where like behaviours create comfort and like social cues engender ease of contact and communication.

 

As an example, my husband and I come from very similar backgrounds which include similarity in family function and dynamics. From the first minute I met him, there was subconscious and conscious trust and comfort since he gave off the right cues.

Maybe I am an anomaly, as I tend to attract or seek out many different types or varying types of people. Maybe it comes from the fact that my social skills are to an extent manufactured by origin, or something else I do not know.

 

I tend to find more comfort in my own company more than anything also, as much as I love being around people.

 

What about those of us who couldn't care less about social status? As long as I have the money to the things I want I couldn't care less what people think.

 

I think it's less about caring what others think of our social circle, and more how a social circle/social status is beneficial to our dating lives somehow.

[Woggle]

 

I think it's less about caring what others think of our social circle, and more how a social circle/social status is beneficial to our dating lives somehow.

 

By me being who I am I weeded out all the kinds that I wouldn't want to date anyway.

[ThaWholigan]

By me being who I am I weeded out all the kinds that I wouldn't want to date anyway.

I suppose that can work .

 

I think what OP is attempting to do is to make the correlation between being dateless and lack of social status or social circle. I think that's probably where they are falling down to an extent, especially if ones social circle is actually detrimental to ones success, be it in dating or in business etc...

[Bob_Funk]

If you're a girl, your social status is inconsequential to your dating prospects. Just keep your weight down say say "Hi" to whichever male model athlete tickles your fancy. He'll take it from there.

 

If you're a guy, your social status is CRUCIAL when it comes to getting girls in your looks league. Unfortunately, most of us have to work for a living, which takes up a huge chunk of time. Good luck with becoming a club promoter, because that's what it's going to take.

[Woggle]

I suppose that can work .

 

I think what OP is attempting to do is to make the correlation between being dateless and lack of social status or social circle. I think that's probably where they are falling down to an extent, especially if ones social circle is actually detrimental to ones success, be it in dating or in business etc...

 

I just look for women who are happy to be on the fringe as well. Screw status as long as I have money.

[threebyfate]

I just look for women who are happy to be on the fringe as well. Screw status as long as I have money.

Woggle, this is a form of status, an anti-establishment, arbitrarian version.

[SteveC80]

I do think status and popularity turns women on even if its subconsciously..just in different ways as they get older..goes from popular jock in high school to dude making money later on..

 

I remember my friends ex came up to me one time and said she and other women in our group really admired and are turned on by how im the leader of our social circle and get people together and make the plans and how it showed masculine energy that got them attracted [ i supposed the abs at the time didnt hurt either ]

 

It was a little weird comign from her because it was my boys girlfriend so i just awkardly smiled said thanks and left the room but it showed me the effect it has on women

[ThaWholigan]

If you're a girl, your social status is inconsequential to your dating prospects. Just keep your weight down say say "Hi" to whichever male model athlete tickles your fancy. He'll take it from there.

 

If you're a guy, your social status is CRUCIAL when it comes to getting girls in your looks league. Unfortunately, most of us have to work for a living, which takes up a huge chunk of time. Good luck with becoming a club promoter, because that's what it's going to take.

So says you . People really do create their own reality.....

 

Having a social circle CAN be crucial to either gender regarding what it is they are looking for. But having a social circle shouldn't be seen solely as a strategic means to an end. That is analogous to the sycophantic examples cited earlier in the thread.

 

Believe it or not, I have met a lot of girls who get action only occasionally and sometime rarely because they are hermits. A lot of the time, they have long term boyfriends instead admittedly, who are quite similar to them. This idea that girls are only dating male models and athletes is stupid. In fact, some of those budding athletes and models are absolute cack with women . They just look good. They get better over time I suppose.

 

You can't use work as an excuse for not having a social circle. What kind of work are you doing? If you aren't living a life you even like, why do you expect girls to like you?

[Woggle]

Woggle, this is a form of status, an anti-establishment, arbitrarian version.

 

I don't go out of my way to be non conformist. I just do me and people can take it or leave it. I have enough money to have a house near the beach paid off at my age but I prefer to hang out with blue collar types. I had more fun at the backyard BBQ of the Mexican maintenance man at my old job than I have never schmoozing with rich corporate types. I don't do it to buck the system but because I genuinely find them to be much more likable people.

[threebyfate]

I don't go out of my way to be non conformist. I just do me and people can take it or leave it. I have enough money to have a house near the beach paid off at my age but I prefer to hang out with blue collar types. I had more fun at the backyard BBQ of the Mexican maintenance man at my old job than I have never schmoozing with rich corporate types. I don't do it to buck the system but because I genuinely find them to be much more likable people.

Being non-conformist gives you both a sense of power and freedom by rejecting the establishment. Are you aware this is a very hipster view on society?

 

You're not so unique, in that you're unique just like everyone else.

 

Actually, this ties neatly into the opening post. Woggle seeks through conscious and subconscious effort, partners who vibe similar social cues of anti-establishment or at least non-clonism.

[Woggle]

Being non-conformist gives you both a sense of power and freedom by rejecting the establishment. Are you aware this is a very hipster view on society?

 

You're not so unique, in that you're unique just like everyone else.

 

Actually, this ties neatly into the opening post. Woggle seeks through conscious and subconscious effort, partners who vibe similar social cues of anti-establishment or at least non-clonism.

 

But I don't do it to be a hipster. It just so happens that most people with money and status are complete unlikable and unbearable to be around. I have successful friends as well but they think like I do. I tend to gravitate around real people who will be real friends and I don't that kind very often amongst the yuppie set.

[threebyfate]

But I don't do it to be a hipster. It just so happens that most people with money and status are complete unlikable and unbearable to be around. I have successful friends as well but they think like I do. I tend to gravitate around real people who will be real friends and I don't that kind very often amongst the yuppie set.

I'm not suggesting you want to be a hipster. But you're behaving like one. It's the norm for every generation where there are conformists and nonconformists who conform in their rejection of conformists. Hipsters are just the '90s and current version of hippies from the '60s and '70s.

[Bob_Funk]

You can't use work as an excuse for not having a social circle. What kind of work are you doing? If you aren't living a life you even like, why do you expect girls to like you?

 

Computer sh*t. All my colleagues are male, and none of them get thin girls.

[Pierre]

What I meant to say:

 

College folks date college folks.

 

Blue collars date each other.

 

Hollywood folks date each other.

 

Ivy League folks date each other.

 

Doctors date each other

 

Etc

 

Birds of the same feather.

 

Female climbers love status.

 

High status women sometimes go below if desperate.

[ThaWholigan]

Computer sh*t. All my colleagues are male, and none of them get thin girls.

OK, well what do you do when you aren't on the computer? How many hours do you work? What do you actually want to do? Do you have passions? How do you talk to girls, and how is your social circle? What do you do to socialize? What kind of social circle do you want?

 

These are the questions you have to ask, not just sit around moaning about ****, while doing things you don't even like or feel passionate about.

[Mr. Savage]

Interesting topic. However it's not always the way people think it is. For instance my ex girlfriend was raised pretty poor. I was raised just standard middle class but in her mind it seemed I was in a way upper class. I think this intimidated her.

 

She was not used to certain things. When her and her sister rode in my car (A 2008 Impala SS, kinda fancied out) her sister said shes never rode in a car this nice before in her life. That kinda poor.

 

Not to sound condescending but she grew up in a poor family with lots of drama and there was no drama at all from any side of my family and I think it almost made her feel not normal and uncomfortable.

 

If this makes sense?