KatZee Posted May 9, 2012 Posted May 9, 2012 So my boyfriend and I have been dating close to three years. Before me, he was with a girl for 6 years. He's been struggling lately, he just graduated school and is focused heavily on getting started on his career. He's having trouble with finances, he's just overall stressed out. Yesterday he said we had to talk, so I went to his house last night and he said that right now he can't be in a relationship. He said that as much as he loves me, and cares about me, he needs to fix his own life, and that he wants whats best for us, and that he needs to just be single for right now. He said that he doesn't know who he is as a person, and he's never been single to even figure that out. He said he wants to find out what his interests are, what his hobbies are, and fix aspects of his personality that were flawed and which contributed to the failing relationship. I understand that he's at that point in his life where he needs to grow and he can't grow as an individual if we are together. He's always worried about me, thinking of my happiness first, etc. As a couple, we were amazing. Always loving, affectionate, respectful, caring, everything great you could think of. He had a very deep love for me, he said that he never felt for anyone the way he feels for me, and I'm the only person in his life (aside from his deceased mother) who he feels close enough to, to confide in, to really tell things to, etc. He said I am his best friend, and he doesn't want to throw away what we have. He said he doesn't want to burn any bridges, he wants to keep communication lines open, and I told him honestly that unless there was some indication in the future for a reconciliation that I don't have any real interest in being his friend, I can't go from girlfriend to friend, and that I can't be "friends" with someone that I'm in love with. He said he understood, and that he doesn't want me to hate him but that this is best for both of us right now. He did say that he could see us revisiting "us" again after he has his head on straight, and says he would like that but there is no real timeline for if/when he fully realizes and fixes what he needs to fix. I don't plan on sitting around staring at my phone, I'm moving to my own apartment this month and I will be incredibly busy fixing it up, and furnishing, and just doing well at my job. But I also don't want to give up hope 100% either. Does anyone have experience of this happening and then having the guy "see what he's lost" and come back down the line? I truly see my future with this person. I always have. And he saw it with me as well. I plan on giving him the time and space he's asking for, and just going out and living my own life. I don't want to cut communication entirely, do you think as much as it will hurt just being "a friend" that this could possibly show him things as well?
Tree_Salmon Posted May 9, 2012 Posted May 9, 2012 Sounds like you are a very understanding person. Maybe what he says is true and he just needs to find himself. That usually means he will probably move on from you though. Since you aren't willing to be friends, and I understand why. I wouldn't want to be friends right off the bat if I was still madly in love with someone. Best advice is move forward and stay happy with yourself. Don't wait on him to realize anything. He may decide he's losing someone important and try again or he could disappear for good. Either way you cant really do much but move forward.
Author KatZee Posted May 9, 2012 Author Posted May 9, 2012 Sounds like you are a very understanding person. Maybe what he says is true and he just needs to find himself. That usually means he will probably move on from you though. Since you aren't willing to be friends, and I understand why. I wouldn't want to be friends right off the bat if I was still madly in love with someone. Best advice is move forward and stay happy with yourself. Don't wait on him to realize anything. He may decide he's losing someone important and try again or he could disappear for good. Either way you cant really do much but move forward. Well, I didn't say I DON'T want to be friends, I said I couldn't if there was no indication of anything happening in the future, and he said that he could see us again, and that he would like that. I plan on doing about 3 weeks - month no contact and then casually being friendly with him. I don't want to drop out of his life for good.
Tree_Salmon Posted May 9, 2012 Posted May 9, 2012 I never buy this whole needing time thing that much. Usually when a guy is in a relationship he really enjoys it makes him a better person and he grows as a result. If he needs to be away from you to grow it could mean that he's not getting what he wants/needs out of it. "If it ain't broke don't fix it" kind of applies here. Stay in NC and see how it goes. He will probably come back but the question is do you want it by then? 1
muzik_lvr Posted May 9, 2012 Posted May 9, 2012 This sounds pretty similar to my situation. My ex-gf recently broke up with me, but while we were together we became extremely close, and she said many times that I was her best friend. So, after the break up, she very badly wanted to keep my friendship, to which I agreed to because I didn't want to lose her completely, but I was still in love with her. So, for the next couple weeks, we tried to navigate this weird post-breakup friendship and honestly it was a constant struggle for me because I still deeply loved her and she just wasn't there anymore, though she still wanted me in her life. So, it came to the point where I had to just tell her that I couldn't try to maintain this friendship any longer because I still had feelings and that I had to move on. She understood and respected that, and now we're NC. I don't know how long it will be or if we will ever be able to be friends one day in the future, but that is where it is now and I believe it is for the best. I agree with Tree_Salmon that it is best to just move forward and focus on you and your life, and to not hold on to the hope of getting back together unless he gives you a good reason to. My sister said something which I think is so true: It will be painful to try and be friends, and it will be painful to move on and try and get over them. Either way it is painful. My thinking is, the quicker you are able to get over that pain and move on, the better, rather than hold on to something that may never pan out and prolong your own hurt.
Author KatZee Posted May 9, 2012 Author Posted May 9, 2012 The thing is, right now, I actually feel OK. Things have been on the downhill for the past two weeks and I was kind of expecting this and actually had thought to myself that we needed time apart to really step back and reflect and clear our heads. I'm not devastated like some people are on here, I'm not desperate to get him back, I'm not crying, or pleading. Actually the whole time he was sobbing last night I was completely stoic. I returned all of his clothes, and even tossed in all of the scrapbooks I made throughout the years, every single card he's ever written me, and suggested I return his jewelry.I don't want any of that stuff around me. I already blocked him on Facebook, took down all pictures, and am prepared to just go NC. I do love him. I do see a future with him if his head gets screwed back on, but I think it should say something that I'm not totally destroyed at this point. I wanted space too. I was speaking to a co-worker who said that sometimes people really just need to let go and grow, and then things come back together in due time. I'm kind of hoping that that's what this situation is, but I won't just be waiting. My co-worker actually dated a guy for years, had a few break ups with him, had a FINAL break up and that lead to a 2-year hiatus and then they came back into each other's lives and now they're married and never been happier. Funny how things work huh?
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