Sitting at work broken hearted

[2sunny]

Anyone going through betrayal deserves to have support around them.

 

They can't get support and help IF THEY DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT'S WRONG.

 

Sure, their intuition most likely tells them something seems "off" - but until they have evidence that something has happened without their knowledge - they may question their own sanity.

 

Whether or not the BS OWNS their behavior and carries the responsibility for THEIR actions by taking ANY consequences that they deserve - shows EXACTLY how remorseful they may or may not be.

[turnera]

Normally, I'm the first in line to tell people to expose. I've advised it hundreds of times because it works - TO END THE AFFAIR.

 

Now, I'm also all for OW's H finding out his wife cheats/cheated on him. He deserves to know.

 

But in this particular case, the OP telling OW's H isn't for any other purpose other than to make herself feel good, as she's not getting the progress she needs in her marriage. She admits it. Is that 'the right thing' to do? That's like telling someone to kill the person who killed their spouse. Will it makes things better? Unlikely.

 

Save telling OW's H for later. When it is NOT involved in OP trying to feel good about herself, because that will not happen. Do it later, when you've resolved your marriage issues.

 

I have a question, though. Someone said something about you not having anyone else to talk to about this? Does that mean that no one else knows that your husband cheated? You/he never told his parents or siblings or friends? I have a reason for asking.

[96nole]

for D-day #1, only our immediate family knew. And she had told her parents. It was also because it was her birthday and her parents called to wish her a happy birthday. Since I had stormed out of the house, she was an emotional wreck and told them on the phone what happened. I never told our friends or secondary family members. Only parents and brothers and sisters knew.

 

D-day #2 is a different story. Since then I'm of the opinion that if it has ears, then I'm going to tell it what a cheating whore she is.

[2sunny]

Normally, I'm the first in line to tell people to expose. I've advised it hundreds of times because it works - TO END THE AFFAIR.

 

Now, I'm also all for OW's H finding out his wife cheats/cheated on him. He deserves to know.

 

But in this particular case, the OP telling OW's H isn't for any other purpose other than to make herself feel good, as she's not getting the progress she needs in her marriage. She admits it. Is that 'the right thing' to do? That's like telling someone to kill the person who killed their spouse. Will it makes things better? Unlikely.

 

Save telling OW's H for later. When it is NOT involved in OP trying to feel good about herself, because that will not happen. Do it later, when you've resolved your marriage issues.

 

I have a question, though. Someone said something about you not having anyone else to talk to about this? Does that mean that no one else knows that your husband cheated? You/he never told his parents or siblings or friends? I have a reason for asking.

 

I disagree that the motive is to make her feel good - only she knows that - but has expressed that it WOULDN'T make her feel good - but opposite.

 

And IF anyone feels that exposing truth makes the affair end - that's delusional! The affair WILL continue IF the two cheaters intend to continue cheating - whether it's exposed or not.

 

EITHER way - that BS deserves to know what's happening in HIS life.He also deserves to know who he's married to - not who she PRETENDS to be.

 

Remember - affairs are exciting and thrive on secrecy. Exposing takes part of that out of the excitement. At times it just becomes a bigger secret when/if it continues by going further under ground.

 

It's possible that this posters cheating H has just gone further under ground.

 

His reaction says "maybe it's still ongoing".

Edited May 11, 2012 by 2sunny

[Sadwife37]

There is clearly very strong opinions about telling the Ow's H. At this time I have to do what I think is best for me. I appreciate all the posts and they have really made me think - and doubt myself. Right now I am not telling her H. I don't believe it will serve any real purpose besides causing me extra drama and stress. I believe the A ended 6 months ago and I hope there has really been NC. I am choosing to protect my life from the potential fallout. 3 days ago I wasn't even considering exposing this anymore. Reading posts here made me feel like I owed it to the OW's H. Maybe I do. But right now this is about me. I will feel bad and guilty to tell and it may result in a bad outcome for me and my family.

 

I made an apt with an IC for me next Wed. A different therapist than we are seeing together. Hopefully she will help me find a way to move past this and really slow myself to heal. I am trying to trust my H. I do believe he is trying to be open and transparent. He is still working on this, too.

 

I do know that I may get hurt again. I guess that is always a possibility if you try and trust a cheater again. Hopefully he will never do this again. I will certainly continue to monitor everything and talk with him and watch for any signs.

 

He has been told very clearly that there will never be another chance for forgiveness. He will be out on his ass the first sign of lies, let alone cheating. I think he does understand and believe this. He knows I will react quickly and harshly the next time.

 

I am being very positive:). Trying very hard to be. Trying to take a deep breath a think happy hopeful thoughts. Maybe he loves me. Maybe we can be happy. Maybe he will be the rare cheater who doesn't cheat again. If I can't at least try and think positive I don't the positive has a chance of happening.

 

I know a great deal of you will disagree with me and say I am a fool. I may be very negative again soon - or maybe not.

Here's to a happy weekend!

[Ninja'sHusband]

There is clearly very strong opinions about telling the Ow's H. At this time I have to do what I think is best for me. I appreciate all the posts and they have really made me think - and doubt myself. Right now I am not telling her H. I don't believe it will serve any real purpose besides causing me extra drama and stress. I believe the A ended 6 months ago and I hope there has really been NC. I am choosing to protect my life from the potential fallout. 3 days ago I wasn't even considering exposing this anymore. Reading posts here made me feel like I owed it to the OW's H. Maybe I do. But right now this is about me. I will feel bad and guilty to tell and it may result in a bad outcome for me and my family.

 

I made an apt with an IC for me next Wed. A different therapist than we are seeing together. Hopefully she will help me find a way to move past this and really slow myself to heal. I am trying to trust my H. I do believe he is trying to be open and transparent. He is still working on this, too.

 

I do know that I may get hurt again. I guess that is always a possibility if you try and trust a cheater again. Hopefully he will never do this again. I will certainly continue to monitor everything and talk with him and watch for any signs.

 

He has been told very clearly that there will never be another chance for forgiveness. He will be out on his ass the first sign of lies, let alone cheating. I think he does understand and believe this. He knows I will react quickly and harshly the next time.

 

I am being very positive:). Trying very hard to be. Trying to take a deep breath a think happy hopeful thoughts. Maybe he loves me. Maybe we can be happy. Maybe he will be the rare cheater who doesn't cheat again. If I can't at least try and think positive I don't the positive has a chance of happening.

 

I know a great deal of you will disagree with me and say I am a fool. I may be very negative again soon - or maybe not.

Here's to a happy weekend!

Well my real reason was to help ensure NC. If you already have NC, yeah I wonder if I would have done it honestly. If it weren't for the NC issue I might never have told anyone... I might have just swallowed the whole thing. The NC issue is why I'm here on this forum!

 

But, yeah the thing I've heard over and over is they have a right to know and I believe that idea is right....even if it wasn't the real driving force behind me telling.

[turnera]

Great update. I have high hopes for you.

 

And fwiw, I know quite a few former cheaters on this and other forums who DID learn their lesson and did NOT ever cheat again; and they have become very helpful in helping other people get out of cheating situations.

 

Are there those who simply love to cheat and care only about themselves? Of course! But you don't 'seem' to be married to one. And you are doing all the right things to ensure your marriage improves. High hopes.

[Horsewithnoname]

While talking about telling the OW's H my idiot H actually had the audacity to say " I wouldn't want to be the one who was responsible for tearing a family apart" I totally lost it!!!! I was going like a crazy person. Yelling that he was that person. When he chose to climb into another man's bed and put is D*** into his wife he tore that family apart. How dear he try and put this on me!!!! His actions caused all of this. He didn't care about her husband or her kids or me or our kids. His horney selfish ass already did all of this damage!

 

 

He did agree of course, and apologized for choosing his words poorly. But he still says as of now even with his very wrong choices, that family is intact so I would be bringing more pain that is not needed or beneficial.

 

Too bad H chose to focus on the ugliness unstead of the beauty here. You come across as having very strong morals because you know telling the BH is the right thing to do, and you seem like a very empathic, compassionate person for wanting to spare him and his children the same hurt and pain you've experienced. I find it fascinating that you possess, and (maybe subconsiously?) attempted to model for H the very two qualities he conveniently ignored in himself: morality and compassion, and he viewed it as something negative! No wonder you were enraged by his insensitive comment. Who wouldn't be?

 

Don't be afraid to ask for what you need from him right now. In the wake of his betrayal, it might help you to hear him say how much he admires those traites in you, and that he aspire to be that again for you.

[SomedayDig]

There is clearly very strong opinions about telling the Ow's H. At this time I have to do what I think is best for me. I appreciate all the posts and they have really made me think - and doubt myself. Right now I am not telling her H. I don't believe it will serve any real purpose besides causing me extra drama and stress. I believe the A ended 6 months ago and I hope there has really been NC. I am choosing to protect my life from the potential fallout. 3 days ago I wasn't even considering exposing this anymore. Reading posts here made me feel like I owed it to the OW's H. Maybe I do. But right now this is about me. I will feel bad and guilty to tell and it may result in a bad outcome for me and my family.

 

I made an apt with an IC for me next Wed. A different therapist than we are seeing together. Hopefully she will help me find a way to move past this and really slow myself to heal. I am trying to trust my H. I do believe he is trying to be open and transparent. He is still working on this, too.

 

I do know that I may get hurt again. I guess that is always a possibility if you try and trust a cheater again. Hopefully he will never do this again. I will certainly continue to monitor everything and talk with him and watch for any signs.

 

He has been told very clearly that there will never be another chance for forgiveness. He will be out on his ass the first sign of lies, let alone cheating. I think he does understand and believe this. He knows I will react quickly and harshly the next time.

 

I am being very positive:). Trying very hard to be. Trying to take a deep breath a think happy hopeful thoughts. Maybe he loves me. Maybe we can be happy. Maybe he will be the rare cheater who doesn't cheat again. If I can't at least try and think positive I don't the positive has a chance of happening.

 

I know a great deal of you will disagree with me and say I am a fool. I may be very negative again soon - or maybe not.

Here's to a happy weekend!

 

THIS is what is great about a forum. Some people (me included), think Sadwife should tell the OW's H. Some do not. She has read everyone's posts and has come to her own decision. Not because of what anyone else has said, but because it is what is best for her personal situation. I applaud you SW for doing what is right for YOU. I hope for a peaceful weekend for you. As for me, I'm taking my wife out to dinner in a couple hours. A quiet, romantic dinner.

[2sunny]

I respect your decision! It's good that you decided what's best for your situation.

 

It's also great that you seem to have a plan about what happens IF your boundary is ever crossed again.

 

Best wishes!

[Cobber9]

Listen, it's not enough to check cellphone records, my supposed girlfriend couldn't afford a cellphone, so I bought her one. She was married...I didn't know it for a long time, but she was keeping two cell phones so her her husband couldn't track it. It was very simple, she would just contact me when she was away from him, and it was enough that I didn't notice the irregularity until later. Its not difficult to do as cell phone companies do electronic bills, so you would never know unless you found the other phone.

 

You must trust your instincts, and I mean always. I betrayed my own instincts, and I shouldn't have. I have dated over a hundred women since I divorced my original wife over her affair. I'm very happy, but it took me 100 women to find one that matched up again without compromise.

 

We had kids, an ideal life, I make great money, she had no worries, but something was missing from her life and rather than be honest with me, she cheated on me. From then on it was over, done, finished. Trust is the one thing that I must have, I can compromise on beauty, sex, cleaning, cooking, whatever, but I cannot compromise on trust. I am a powerful man, that runs companies, I trust no one, my house, my girlfriend, my wife if I choose to have one are my only sanctuary. I always believed that if you want a friend you can trust, then get a dog. But there are partners out there in which you can trust. For me, once it is tainted, it is over, gone forever. Trust with my loved one is my sanctuary, if I don't have it....I would rather be alone. I depend on me.

 

Please trust your instincts.

[Cobber9]

By the way, I personally dont recommend telling the other party about the cheating, it brings unbelievable drama, and makes matters worse. More than likely the other party already knows instinctively that something is wrong, the cheating partner doesn't give themselves 100% over to the other person. The other party will eventually find out, but better to not be at your hand. It will give you little comfort, and the drama that can ensue can then bring you and your children and other loved ones into the mix.

 

I highly recommend that you never do this, it can seem properly vengeful, but there is little positive that will come out of it. It can do little to stop an affair from continuing if the two cheating parties still want to be together.

[turnera]

It can do little to stop an affair from continuing if the two cheating parties still want to be together.

We'll have to agree to disagree on this. I have seen dozens of affairs ended this way. And many many marriages reconciled.

[2sunny]

Listen, it's not enough to check cellphone records, my supposed girlfriend couldn't afford a cellphone, so I bought her one. She was married...I didn't know it for a long time, but she was keeping two cell phones so her her husband couldn't track it. It was very simple, she would just contact me when she was away from him, and it was enough that I didn't notice the irregularity until later. Its not difficult to do as cell phone companies do electronic bills, so you would never know unless you found the other phone.

 

You must trust your instincts, and I mean always. I betrayed my own instincts, and I shouldn't have. I have dated over a hundred women since I divorced my original wife over her affair. I'm very happy, but it took me 100 women to find one that matched up again without compromise.

 

We had kids, an ideal life, I make great money, she had no worries, but something was missing from her life and rather than be honest with me, she cheated on me. From then on it was over, done, finished. Trust is the one thing that I must have, I can compromise on beauty, sex, cleaning, cooking, whatever, but I cannot compromise on trust. I am a powerful man, that runs companies, I trust no one, my house, my girlfriend, my wife if I choose to have one are my only sanctuary. I always believed that if you want a friend you can trust, then get a dog. But there are partners out there in which you can trust. For me, once it is tainted, it is over, gone forever. Trust with my loved one is my sanctuary, if I don't have it....I would rather be alone. I depend on me.

 

Please trust your instincts.

 

I agree on some level - but for me, I do have some people I do trust. Those that have earned my trust and have never betrayed me.

 

Those that support me and show me lots of love and kindness.

[Cobber9]

We'll have to agree to disagree on this. I have seen dozens of affairs ended this way. And many many marriages reconciled.

 

Turnera, you may be right, but Im not sure if the drama is worth it, either she trusts her husband to stop or she doesn't. This poor woman shouldn't have to stress about telling the other party, she needs to focus on what she wants, and the cheater needs to repair the damage. Ultimately the cheater needs to take responsibility to stop it from ever happening again.

 

I believe her marriage may be reconciled, but I feel it stands a better chance of keeping additional highly charged drama out of it.

[Cobber9]

I agree on some level - but for me, I do have some people I do trust. Those that have earned my trust and have never betrayed me.

 

Those that support me and show me lots of love and kindness.

 

2sunny, your absolutely right to trust, I have just found that in my business life, and somewhat in my personal, that I can't trust anyone other than the one I share my bed with. It sucks, and I'm not happy about it, but it has become my reality. Not saying everyone needs to be like that.

[2sunny]

2sunny, your absolutely right to trust, I have just found that in my business life, and somewhat in my personal, that I can't trust anyone other than the one I share my bed with. It sucks, and I'm not happy about it, but it has become my reality. Not saying everyone needs to be like that.

 

I'm not saying I trust easily - I tend to need a ton of evidence that anyone new is trustworthy.

 

Lots of time and lots of situations to give me evidence of that... That's how I determine if I trust.

 

Heck - even on this forum there are a handful of folks who have earned my respect and trust with their consistency throughout the years.

[raymonddlrsr]

I completely understand you sometimes the person you love might not be the person that loves you back. For instance, Im hurt right now because my wife doesnt love me anymore and the hardest part about relationship is being with someone who does not love you. I completely understand .