Author Sadwife37 Posted May 11, 2012 Author Posted May 11, 2012 While talking about telling the OW's H my idiot H actually had the audacity to say " I wouldn't want to be the one who was responsible for tearing a family apart" I totally lost it!!!! I was going like a crazy person. Yelling that he was that person. When he chose to climb into another man's bed and put is D*** into his wife he tore that family apart. How dear he try and put this on me!!!! His actions caused all of this. He didn't care about her husband or her kids or me or our kids. His horney selfish ass already did all of this damage! He did agree of course, and apologized for choosing his words poorly. But he still says as of now even with his very wrong choices, that family is intact so I would be bringing more pain that is not needed or beneficial.
Furious Posted May 11, 2012 Posted May 11, 2012 Of course no one to being the bearer of bad news, and any one with a conscious would not want to see another marriage of family fall apart because of it. I understand that it could open up a hornets nest for your own family. But...your husband did not have a conscious when he slept with another man's wife, and did not give a crap about his OW's children....so suddenly he cares about not destroying their lives. So only you and your family will suffer, OW will have a happy family and no consequence for her betrayal. Do you think she cares about your pain and your kids suffering....I don't think so. Your husband is a coward, macho man can sleep with another man's wife but not macho enough to face the OW' s husband. 1
SomedayDig Posted May 11, 2012 Posted May 11, 2012 But Sadwife, he needs to understand that the OW's H deserves to be able to make that choice for himself. It's not up to your WH to decide what happens in their marriage anymore! He did that already. Now it's the OW's H's chance to make a decision whether HE wants to live with the OW or not. HE deserves the truth about his WW. Simply put, it seems your H is simply embarrassed about exposing. Well, he should be. And he should have thought about that before starting this tryst.
Author Sadwife37 Posted May 11, 2012 Author Posted May 11, 2012 I totally agree that my H is a coward. He was man enough to lie and cheat and sneak around for 3 years but now that he is caught he is a 100% coward. Sure his W is heart broken and he is feeling that and having to deal with that but everything else in his little world is perfect. He hasn't been outed to family and friends, his shame and humiliation stops with me. I lie to everyone and pretend that we are a happy little family. He made a monumentally huge mistake and is experiencing very little consequences. It is one thing to sneak into a man's house and sleep with his wife. It is another thing to have to face that man and the other people in your life who you let down. He is all about self preservation. In reality I bet he is more worried about himself than the OW's family. He has already proven that! 1
2sunny Posted May 11, 2012 Posted May 11, 2012 My H and I fought about this last night. A long ugly nasty fight. I had him read many of the posts here. He had no idea I was even using this site. He does not want me to expose the A. He says that the A was a mistake and is totally over. We are working on us and that is what our focus should be. What the OW does or doesn't do is irrelevant b/c she is out of our lives. He says at least one family has a chance to not be destroyed by his and her repulsive behavior. He thinks telling will bring unnecessary pain to her H and kids. There was no real end to the A. For 3 years they carried on texting/emailing and phoning. Sex happened 3 times 15 months ago but the emotional relationship only ended 6 months ago and only b/ c I discovered the A. He sent her one email that said I found out, he was choosing to try and save his family and he would never see or communicate with her again. He says he has done this. But I feel there is no closure. She may be just waiting for him to contact her. I really have no idea. At the very least I want him to tell her point blank how he feels about her and the A. That is was a huge mistake, he regrets it, wishes he could change it, feels repulsed when he thinks about sleeping with her in her H bed. I want her to know that he does not want her and would never be involved with her again. He doesn't even want to talk to her to do this. He wants me to just move past it and focus on me and him and us being happy again. I say there is so much mor to it. A big part of me feels the need and responsibility to expose it. I absolutely believe her H does deserve to know. I am worried about the fallout from that. Our family and friends do not know about the A and her H may freak and make it all very exposed. That would be very painful for me. I Do need him to tell her clearly it is over and he chooses me. I feel for 3 Years the OW got a very clear message that he was choosing her. Is this unreasonable? I know he will be uncomfortable doing this, but I don't care. I can tell her but it won't mean anything coming from me. I feel it needs to come from him. I want it known that he is not staying away because I won't let him see her. She needs to know he doesn't want to see her. I feel very hateful and full of spite and vengeance. Probably not surprising. The fact that he's STILL wanting to cover up is very concerning - id bet money it hasn't ended! Yes- tell her husband! He has a right to know!!!! Tell today! Right now! You don't need your husbands permission! He never gave you that luxury while screwing her and paying her loads of loving attention! There ARE consequences to his behavior - owning it is one of those consequences. I vote against him talking to his OW. She will know how it's going when it's all exposed to her H. But don't for a minute believe your H when he says it's over - after all - he's still protecting her- not you! Betrayal is still very big! Your H is STILL betraying YOU by even trying to hide it! He alliance is in the wrong place. He still shows all the actions of an active cheater. Exposé to family too - since your unremorseful H wants to continue with his cover up and lies.
2sunny Posted May 11, 2012 Posted May 11, 2012 Since your H is still only thinking of himself- it leaves one thinking that he's not sorry he did this - he's only sorry he got caught! He has cheated before - yes? You may not have found out - but I'd bet money he's done it.
SomedayDig Posted May 11, 2012 Posted May 11, 2012 I totally agree that my H is a coward. He was man enough to lie and cheat and sneak around for 3 years but now that he is caught he is a 100% coward. Sure his W is heart broken and he is feeling that and having to deal with that but everything else in his little world is perfect. He hasn't been outed to family and friends, his shame and humiliation stops with me. I lie to everyone and pretend that we are a happy little family. He made a monumentally huge mistake and is experiencing very little consequences. It is one thing to sneak into a man's house and sleep with his wife. It is another thing to have to face that man and the other people in your life who you let down. He is all about self preservation. In reality I bet he is more worried about himself than the OW's family. He has already proven that! I hate to say it, but your H almost sounds like the OM in my W's affair. He was never outed until I contacted his wife about the true depths of their affair. Well...that self preservation is the same part of the ego that was fed during the selfishness of the affair. I just got confirmation from the OM's BS that she is filing for divorce. Tell your H that you will not play "happy family" any longer. That TRUTH is what makes the family happy. If he is unwilling to deal with those consequences, then you need to decide how much you'd be willing to live with that. I wish you the best, Sadwife. This crap ain't easy.
2sunny Posted May 11, 2012 Posted May 11, 2012 And how could YOU be expected to love and respect a man that engages in a fight with you in order to have HIM defend his actions. Not exposing is still going along with the lie! I hardly think that's what you want to do. Tell her H today. He has EVERY right to know! He's just afraid others will know how scummy he actually is... Well he should have thought of that years ago!
YellowShark Posted May 11, 2012 Posted May 11, 2012 Since your H is still only thinking of himself- it leaves one thinking that he's not sorry he did this - he's only sorry he got caught! He has cheated before - yes? You may not have found out - but I'd bet money he's done it. Quoted for truth. Here's the deal.. He drove a bus over you (for 3 years!) and now wants to do ANYTHING to hide the fact that he drove a bus over you.
96nole Posted May 11, 2012 Posted May 11, 2012 The fact that he's STILL wanting to cover up is very concerning - id bet money it hasn't ended! Yes- tell her husband! He has a right to know!!!! Tell today! Right now! You don't need your husbands permission! He never gave you that luxury while screwing her and paying her loads of loving attention! There ARE consequences to his behavior - owning it is one of those consequences. I vote against him talking to his OW. She will know how it's going when it's all exposed to her H. But don't for a minute believe your H when he says it's over - after all - he's still protecting her- not you! Betrayal is still very big! Your H is STILL betraying YOU by even trying to hide it! He alliance is in the wrong place. He still shows all the actions of an active cheater. Exposé to family too - since your unremorseful H wants to continue with his cover up and lies. I agree. He is still defending her. After I found out about the first time my ex cheated, I made some disparaging comments about the OM. She didn't like them and would defend him. Only to find out she was still talking to him. The OW is just as scummy as your H. If the other husband knows, he can keep an eye on his W. Why should the OW get off scott free? I also agree that it's time to tell friends and family. Not for the purpose of exposing him. But for them to help support you. After 6 months, you are still in pain. You need their support. And the nice side effect is that it will expose him and he will have a bit more embarrassment to deal with. Also, don't ask his permission. He didn't ask your permission to stick his d*ck in someone else.
2sunny Posted May 11, 2012 Posted May 11, 2012 I agree. He is still defending her. After I found out about the first time my ex cheated, I made some disparaging comments about the OM. She didn't like them and would defend him. Only to find out she was still talking to him. The OW is just as scummy as your H. If the other husband knows, he can keep an eye on his W. Why should the OW get off scott free? I also agree that it's time to tell friends and family. Not for the purpose of exposing him. But for them to help support you. After 6 months, you are still in pain. You need their support. And the nice side effect is that it will expose him and he will have a bit more embarrassment to deal with. Also, don't ask his permission. He didn't ask your permission to stick his d*ck in someone else. I agree! He's protecting his overinflated ego! There's one way for you to take some of your power back - tell the truth. Telling will put HIM in a position of having to begin to face some honesty. It also shows his true lack of character! He's only willing to keep pretending he isn't the man he really is. He's pretending to be a kind and loving husband when in reality he's a cheater and has stolen the life you THOUGHT you had! Be honest with others - then don't answer ANY questions! It's HIS to answer! Point anyone that asks in his direction and make HIM explain just how selfish he's been acting! Then wait and see if he OWNS his bad behavior and begins to get honest about what HE'S done! His ego has to be smashed or this M doesn't stand a chance with his entitlement issues!
turnera Posted May 11, 2012 Posted May 11, 2012 Ok, look. You are working yourself up and it is not productive. He has been NC for 6 months. He is utterly and completely transparent AND repentent. In the world of past affairs, you frankly can't expect a better outcome than this. Could you expose? Yes. But, while I almost NEVER say this, I see no reason for you to expose it now. YOU TWO are out of the affair. If OW chooses to cheat again, that is on her now. YOU two are done with it. Be grateful for that and cherish the marriage you saved and the man who saw his mistakes and worked to save his marriage. HE went NC, YOU verified it with her...let go. The only thing I don't see in all this is why YOU are not going to IC. At this point, the only issue I see left is your damaged self esteem. And HE can't fix that. Only you can. You are dredging this up because people here are fanning the flames and it makes you feel good. But you should be feeling good on your own, not through making someone else suffer. Get yourself an IC and start going. And count your blessings for having a former WH who saw his mistakes and learned from them. 2
turnera Posted May 11, 2012 Posted May 11, 2012 As for your marriage, have you read His Needs Her Needs? If not, get that this week and start reading it together. Fill out Harley's Emotional Needs and Love Buster questionnaires and use that valuable information to improve your marriage. Set aside ONE HOUR a week to talk about any problems you have and spend the other 167 hours each week improving your marriage. Make sure you and he are spending 15 hours a week together on non-family/school/work-related activities. Date again. Fall in love again. Focus on your marriage, not mistakes. 1
2sunny Posted May 11, 2012 Posted May 11, 2012 Ok, look. You are working yourself up and it is not productive. He has been NC for 6 months. He is utterly and completely transparent AND repentent. In the world of past affairs, you frankly can't expect a better outcome than this. Could you expose? Yes. But, while I almost NEVER say this, I see no reason for you to expose it now. YOU TWO are out of the affair. If OW chooses to cheat again, that is on her now. YOU two are done with it. Be grateful for that and cherish the marriage you saved and the man who saw his mistakes and worked to save his marriage. HE went NC, YOU verified it with her...let go. The only thing I don't see in all this is why YOU are not going to IC. At this point, the only issue I see left is your damaged self esteem. And HE can't fix that. Only you can. You are dredging this up because people here are fanning the flames and it makes you feel good. But you should be feeling good on your own, not through making someone else suffer. Get yourself an IC and start going. And count your blessings for having a former WH who saw his mistakes and learned from them. Why are you defending the deceit? The OW's husband has a right to know! Yes, the OW confirmed that there's been no contact - but we all know these two people LIE all the time! And now H wants to continue the lie! That's never a good signal for healing - just the opposite! And SHE isn't MAKING PEOPLE SUFFER - she's just telling truth! Stop getting it backwards! She didn't do this - he did it along with the OW - in the OW's marital bed!!!! Sheez!
Furious Posted May 11, 2012 Posted May 11, 2012 Everyone has strong opions and it can be overwhelming to the poster. Please take a step back Sadwife. Cool off, don't feel pressured into doing anything about the advice you're being given here. When I did decide to expose to the OW's husband I did not rush out and blurt to him in a moment of anger. I waited days, thought seriously about what I would say, and I did with sincerity and calm. Never do anything out of anger, be strong and be good to yourself. 1
turnera Posted May 11, 2012 Posted May 11, 2012 Furious is correct. Do not do anything while you are emotional. I have no problem with informing OM. Just not today. Now. To fix YOU and your unhappiness. Because doing it now will NOT make you feel better except for a temporary feeling of empowerment, it will not make you feel better about yourself (only IC can do that), and it will NOT fix your marriage. Focus on your marriage and your self-improvement. Let your MC explain to your husband why OW's husband needs to know so that it doesn't turn into some power struggle between you two. Be smart about this.
2sunny Posted May 11, 2012 Posted May 11, 2012 Everyone has strong opions and it can be overwhelming to the poster. Please take a step back Sadwife. Cool off, don't feel pressured into doing anything about the advice you're being given here. When I did decide to expose to the OW's husband I did not rush out and blurt to him in a moment of anger. I waited days, thought seriously about what I would say, and I did with sincerity and calm. Never do anything out of anger, be strong and be good to yourself. I didn't see her as being angry in the telling part - I only saw her emotions flair up when her husband wanted to continue with his lies and cover up. Big difference! I see her having compassion for the OW's husband - moreso than her cheating husband does! He's only worried about himself! To the point of continuing to HURT Sadwife even further by trying to pin this on her! That's just SO wrong!
turnera Posted May 11, 2012 Posted May 11, 2012 Maybe so, but there's a constructive way to approach these things, and there's a bull in china shop way.
2sunny Posted May 11, 2012 Posted May 11, 2012 Maybe so, but there's a constructive way to approach these things, and there's a bull in china shop way. Calmly telling the other husband is constructive... It holds value for doing what's right. Think about it - her husband is sleeping in THAT bed each night! Gross!!!!! And he doesn't even know what happened in THAT bed...
Snowflower Posted May 11, 2012 Posted May 11, 2012 While talking about telling the OW's H my idiot H actually had the audacity to say " I wouldn't want to be the one who was responsible for tearing a family apart" I totally lost it!!!! I was going like a crazy person. Yelling that he was that person. When he chose to climb into another man's bed and put is D*** into his wife he tore that family apart. How dear he try and put this on me!!!! His actions caused all of this. He didn't care about her husband or her kids or me or our kids. His horney selfish ass already did all of this damage! He did agree of course, and apologized for choosing his words poorly. But he still says as of now even with his very wrong choices, that family is intact so I would be bringing more pain that is not needed or beneficial. I see two issues for you, Sadwife, in your postings. One is the much-debated decision whether or not to inform the OW's husband. You need to decide what is best for you in whether or not you should tell. For once, Sadwife, let it be about YOU. Not about what posters here think or your WH, because obviously he doesn't want you to expose because then he might be held accountable for his actions by the BH. There could be some consequences for telling the other husband and you need to consider that... A. it could re-start communication (and other things) between your H and the MOW. B. the BH could start a sh*tstorm on your H...harming him professionally, physically, you name it. Not that your H doesn't deserve this but that could also impact you and your children. C. the general drama of telling...more people might know about the affair which again, can be good or bad, depending on how you feel about it. But there is another issue that you talk about here in your thread: I totally agree that my H is a coward. He was man enough to lie and cheat and sneak around for 3 years but now that he is caught he is a 100% coward. Sure his W is heart broken and he is feeling that and having to deal with that but everything else in his little world is perfect. He hasn't been outed to family and friends, his shame and humiliation stops with me. I lie to everyone and pretend that we are a happy little family. He made a monumentally huge mistake and is experiencing very little consequences. It is one thing to sneak into a man's house and sleep with his wife. It is another thing to have to face that man and the other people in your life who you let down. He is all about self preservation. In reality I bet he is more worried about himself than the OW's family. He has already proven that! Yep, this is the start of a huge amount of building resentment for you. Please address this so that it does not destroy you. I understand your resentment, every BS feels resentment at being treated so badly but all BS need to work through the resentment so that they can go on with their life. But resentment can lead to bitterness which can be soul-destroying for you. Please think about this and seek support, IRL. I'm worried about your long-term happiness and ability to be at peace. 1
SandieBeach Posted May 11, 2012 Posted May 11, 2012 (edited) Ok, look. You are working yourself up and it is not productive. He has been NC for 6 months. He is utterly and completely transparent AND repentent. In the world of past affairs, you frankly can't expect a better outcome than this. Could you expose? Yes. But, while I almost NEVER say this, I see no reason for you to expose it now. YOU TWO are out of the affair. If OW chooses to cheat again, that is on her now. YOU two are done with it. Be grateful for that and cherish the marriage you saved and the man who saw his mistakes and worked to save his marriage. HE went NC, YOU verified it with her...let go. The only thing I don't see in all this is why YOU are not going to IC. At this point, the only issue I see left is your damaged self esteem. And HE can't fix that. Only you can. You are dredging this up because people here are fanning the flames and it makes you feel good. But you should be feeling good on your own, not through making someone else suffer. Get yourself an IC and start going. And count your blessings for having a former WH who saw his mistakes and learned from them. Sadwife, I am so so sorry that you are going through this. My H got caught, ended the affair, and is behaving as if he's remorseful, so I totally get what you are dealing with. I know you are trying to figure out whether or not to tell the OW's husband, and I see most people are encouraging you to do this. Obviously, you should do whatever will help you sleep at night, but I wanted to offer my view on the issue. So, first of all, let's all cut the BS with "telling the OW/M's spouse is the right thing to do," and "s/he deserves to know about their lying and cheating spouse." Who the heck are we to decide to change someone else's life like that? As a BS, I think telling the OP's spouse serves one purpose only: to ruin the life of the person who screwed our spouse. Let's not kid ourselves and claim it is a noble act rooted in empathy and compassion. We want to see that SOB suffer! Now, if you recognize these are the emotions that drive you, then by all means go ahead and tell...I wouldn't argue with that at all. But at least let's recognize what's driving us to do this. Also remember that for every action there is a consequence. Let's say you tell the OW's husband, and he divorces her. Can you honestly say your H won't feel compassion for her and resent you? Three years is a long time, and I am sure there has been a lot more sex than 3 times. This is a reasonable outcome, you know...you can have normal relationships when all of a sudden one person becomes overly possessive or jealous. Even the healthiest relationships can fail. My advice to you is that if your relationship with your husband fails, don't let it be because of your reactions. On a different note, I don't like the fact that you are keeping your husband's affair as a secret and have no one to talk to (other than a therapist and a bunch of strangers on LS). Consequently, I do believe that he has to hold himself accountable and be willing to accept the responsibility publicly. Ok, by publicly, I don't mean he needs to go yell at the top of a mountain that he had an affair, but certain family members should know what a scumbag thing he did. I told my parents the day I found out about the affair. I honestly thought that we were absolutely over. A part of me regrets it because they look at him differently, and that makes things more difficult now that we are trying to work this out. I also wanted him to tell his parents, and he fought me on this actually claiming that this was OUR problem and no one else would have to deal with it. He ended up telling them, and I took that as a serious step towards R. Anyway, my point here is a) whatever you do re: telling the OW's husband, make sure you are doing it for the right reasons. Your H should be the one to tell if anything; and b) seriously think about what evidence you will need to see that your H truly wants to be with you, and don't let some other posters tell you what you should feel. One of the most important thing to remember is yes, your H f-ed up, ruined your life, but now you get to be in control. Edited May 11, 2012 by SandieBeach Spelling
Ninja'sHusband Posted May 11, 2012 Posted May 11, 2012 (edited) Ah I see we are on the "TELL THE OTHER BS" bandwagon. Ok, I'm in. I agree with the mob ;-) The people here convinced me to tell, and I'm glad I did. Reason #1: The other BS has a right to know. If their spouse is sleeping around their M is at risk from STDs, growing disconnection, illegitimate children, etc. Reason #2: It gives you some piece of mind. It's a lot harder to cheat when both spouses know. Honestly reason #2 was my big one...but the real reason should be #1. That's what almost everyone told me here and in real life (with only like 1 exception, and eventually they agreed too) Here's how I did it: Made a packet of info and included proof. I had a cover sheet that said: "Your H has done something hurtful. You do not have to read this, but I wanted to give you the opportunity." On the inside I gave the gist that an A had occurred between my WW and her WH. I said I would withhold details until the following pages. I gave my contact info(emails and cell) on that page, saying she could call me with questions if she only wanted specific info. I told her the best place to hear things would be from her WH, but it was important to be able to verify the truth. I told her if she never wanted to hear from me again, that was fine too. I delivered it into her hands at her doorstep while her WH was at work. All I said to her verbally was, "Hi, I'm <name>. I know your H <name>, I wanted to give you this." She took it, thanked me. I went back to my car and waited 10 minutes in case she wanted to talk to me in person. She never came out so I left. I waited for 2 months and never heard a peep from her. Finally I called and spoke to her because I was thinking about exposing the A to other people and it would affect them. She had read the packet, and as was predicted was mad at me for a time but had come to a place of acceptance. She was very sweet and soothing as we talked in-spite of the anguish I know she has gone through. I've talked to her 2x now on the phone, and both times were immensely important to me and her as well I think. The second time I called to tell her my W and I are getting a D. She deserved to know that. So, yeah I agree with the mob. Tell, give the other BS a choice of turning their M around from where it is or getting out of a situation they don't want to be in. Also give yourself some piece of mind. Oh and you might be concerned if they have kids. It's not you who hurt their kids, it's the unfaithful who did that. By getting this out in the open sooner maybe you can minimize the impact. This is reverse thinking of the typical faulty WS logic that hiding it minimizes damage. WRONG, the continued lies and deceit make it WORSE. This farse needs to be destroyed so both families can begin healing from the hidden cancer that is eating both. Edited May 11, 2012 by Ninja'sHusband
Furious Posted May 11, 2012 Posted May 11, 2012 SandieBeach I do agree with your last post, but there is one point I disagree with. In my situation I exposed the affair to the OW's husband, not because I seeked revenge, but because I felt compassion for someone whose choice and truth about his own life was denied him. He was thankful and also said he would have contacted me if the shoe was on the foot. By painting all BS who expose as vengeful does not sit well with me. I believe no one should be coerced into exposing, and respect any who chooses not to.
SandieBeach Posted May 11, 2012 Posted May 11, 2012 SandieBeach I do agree with your last post, but there is one point I disagree with. In my situation I exposed the affair to the OW's husband, not because I seeked revenge, but because I felt compassion for someone whose choice and truth about his own life was denied him. He was thankful and also said he would have contacted me if the shoe was on the foot. By painting all BS who expose as vengeful does not sit well with me. I believe no one should be coerced into exposing, and respect any who chooses not to. Fair enough, Furious. I don't want to paint all BS who expose the affair to the OP's spouse as vengeful either. I do stand by my statement, however, that such an act serves more to make ourselves feel better than to perform an act of compassion toward the OP's spouse. That's all I am saying. Especially most exposures do happen while we are hurting a LOT.
Ninja'sHusband Posted May 11, 2012 Posted May 11, 2012 Yeah I get offended when people say that I was out for revenge when I told the people I told. If I was out for revenge I would have done it straight away... A's thrive on secrecy, I was destroying that secrecy. I told people I thought had a right to know and that could possible have a positive affect on the situation. I DIDN'T tell my family because I felt that would only hurt the relationship between my WW and them. But now that D or S is starting, I've told everyone including my family...that's more for me and for my family's understanding of the situation. I can't go through such a huge change and not tell them what's going on.
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